Welcome to the table, buehl! I hope you'll stay around!

I'll be interested to see how everyone responds to your question ... the circle I run with, the daughters/granddaughters would all be mortified to have a party announcing their menstrual cycle had begun. I know times are changing, and there are different attitudes in different areas of the country, so this could be enlightening to me!

I think basically...Just a Sweet Sixteen Party is fine.

Gayle

I'm with stoney on this one.

Heck, in my day, such things were only spoken of in whispers.

Sue...giving away her age here

No cause for celebration. I told my girls they would hate it every month and it would be with them a LONG time. Not a thing to rejoice in!

I agree with all the above!!

Donna (^_^)

Yeah, I would have been mortified. I remember when I told my mom I had started, she called to tell her best friend and I was so mad. The idea is nice, but I wouldn't have it be surrounding the whole period thing.

I agree with the above. My daughter would have absolutely killed me if I had celebrated it. When I got my period, I had already lost my mom & no one else was around who really cared so I don't remember telling anyone but my best friend.

I can see that a public celebration is out of the question...but what about something just between mother & daughter?

I would have been mortified, mortified, mortified. Having a period is nothing to "celebrate." I would not ask any of my young nieces or friends if they'd been cursed yet. If they tell me on their own accord, that's a different matter.

Now as for "Sweet 16," party, or a first grownup-type dinner party, that would be a nice celebration. Pick an age that represents "on the brink of maturity" and go for it. I'd say 16 or 17.

Don 't do any such thing! My DD was mad that her period started, which reaction was not what I expected. You can do something special with her, just the 2 of you, but no party, please. A party would only make it more traumatic with a very embarrassed daughter.

I think a mother & daughter time would be perfect! Maybe take your "young lady" out to a tea room for a special grown-up tea party.

I agree with the above posters - this should not be a public event. Keep it between you and your dd and make it special!

Let us know what you decide.

~Betsy

I have heard of other cultures that celebrate this "occasion" but like stoney,my daughters and grandaughters would definitely NOT be grateful for a party! LOL They prefer to forget it ever happened! I just don't think this would be a tradition that any young lady in this country would appreciate,but you know your daughter better than I do.I would certainly discuss it with her before I threw a party.I think there are other more discrete ways to make her feel confident about it than throwing a party or celebration.
Back in the dark ages (I'm 66) when I started my period it wasn't talked about and my mother never told me anything.So you can imagine how I felt one day to have that experience! There were no older girls in the family to talk to either so I was totally in the dark until after the fact.Add to that the fact that I started at school and was too embarrassed to tell the teacher or the nurse and had to call my mom to come and get me.I felt like everyone knew what was going on.I was very shy anyway so you can imagine how traumatic that was for me.Not a good experience at all.I vowed if I ever had girls that I would prepare them better than I had been prepared,and I did.I also educated my boys at an early age because they also need to know about that part of a woman's life.The girls knew from a very early age what to expect and carried something in their purse,"just in case".Now days,unless a girl is totally sheltered from life they most likely know long before the age of puberty what to expect.It's something that girls talk about among themselves,see on TV,etc.It probably isn't going to be as traumatic as you might think for your daughter,especially if you have been totally honest and discussed it openly with her.Sorry,but I think a celebration/party would be the "traumatic" experience!

I promised that that's when my girls could get their ears pierced, to try to make something to look forward to. But it was quiet, subtle, and between just us girls...

No disrespect meant to any previous posters, but please don't teach your daughter that her monthly periods are "the curse"! It is not something to think bad of for pete's sake. It's what makes us women and gives us the ability to reproduce! It's a fact of life and should be treated as such.

~Betsy

Hi Buehl, I certainly recognize your name from the Kitchen Forum as I spend many, many hours there in preparation for our total kitchen/home remodel which begins two days after Christmas.

Anyhoo, to your question ... in the circles my daughter (now 22) runs in, mother's take their daughters out for a nice lunch. Kind of like a "woman's" day out. No announcements are made out loud, just a pleasant meal together.

Jodi-

RHome, Jodi, & Tannatonk...great ideas. I was going to wait until she was 16 to let her get her ears pierced (that was my mother's rule for us girls), but I think that's a great idea...and maybe pair it up with a woman's day out...but not a tea room (sorry Tannatonk!) We went to a tea room once w/my mother and while my son loved it, my daughter hated it (she doesn't like tea and she didn't like any of the pastries they served with it)!

Yes, my daughter is very well-prepared. Not only have I talked with her about it extensively, we even got the American Girl book that talks about it. I guess I was lucky growing up, my mom prepared me for the "event" as well. My mom was/is very good about talking about these types of things.

Most girls have a least an idea about what to expect these days. In our school system boys & girls (separately) have a couple of weeks of health classes concerning "growing up" and very basic "human reproduction" in 5th grade. In middle school they learn a little bit more each year.

Thanks everyone!

Since you indicated it is celebrated in some cultures, I'd want to know if it is something to do with your daughter's background? I can't think of how to phrase my questions, but... In other words, if you married someone from another country and it is part of the culture he is from, then you might want to at least explain to your daughter how it is done in her father's home country. Does that make sense? I'm all for educating children about their ancestors and culture.

I have my own horror story about my first period. (I'm almost 50 now, and I keep thinking every one will be my last. *sigh*) Period were never discussed at my home, but the 5th and 6th grade girls watched a film at school once each year. LOL just thinking about that! Anyway, one day after school I went home and sat down on the toilet. When I saw my awful undies, I called my mom into the bathroom, pointed at them, and just said, "Look!" She said, "Well, you can just put them right back on because I'm not ready for you to grow up yet!" She was kidding, of course, and told me so. Then she had to go to the store to buy a belt and those big old honkin' napkins we used to wear. LMBO!!

Are you kidding? Not in this lifetime.

I think having a mother/daughter day together would be just lovely. Take her to a nice lunch, maybe get a new outfit that is more mature, or go to a movie together, something like that.

I'm 50 now and anxiously awaiting the end of this era! I never "hated" having my period, but I am getting tired of it.

Welcome to the KT, Buehl.

Sweet Sixteen Party? My DGD is 10, (she'll be 11 next month) and has started hers 2 months ago. LOL with Rita. I remember those stupid belts. They caught your pubic hairs and pulled. Bwahahah. Not to make light of this subject if it is part of your culture. I hated mine from day one, and I'm so gald I'm done with them. The periods that is. Those honkin pads though, I wear now as a blotter when I'm coughing so hard. To heck with those tiny teeny postage stamp sized ones.
Leslie

A party for getting her first period? Seriously??? OMG, I would be completely mortified. There is no way in he!! I would ever have wanted that and would've died if my parents did that for me.

There are plenty of other milestones to celebrate. Getting a period isn't one of them. It's not that it's a bad thing but it's certainly not something I'd be I'm sorry. It's nice for you to want to do something special for your daughter but I'd personally recommend doing something else.

Great you want to make this a "positive" experience. But you no longer need to applaud her every bodily function like you did when she was being potty-trained. Let her know *she* can feel good about the mental/emotional as well as physical maturing that happens during this stage of her life.

A girlfriend of mine did something I thought was truly great. She had me wishing my mom had done the same and that I had done the same with my daughter. She did not make menstruation the focus, but rather the fact that she turned 13 and was now a bonafide teenager. Don't know how old your daughter is, but I should think 12 is just as fine a time and so is 14.

She planned a weekend away for just the two of them in Sandusky, Ohio so they could also spend a day at Cedar Pointe. That's the big amusement park we Michiganders go to. The purpose for their weekend was so she could talk to her daughter and explain everything she could think of about being a teenager, and that included menstruation. The way she told me of their weekend made me wish I were there LOL. She talked about the changes that would take place in her body, the changes in hormones, and that her way of thinking would change. "There are going to be times you won't agree with anything I say and will think "Mama's crazy!" but I need you to continue trusting me. They talked about boys, sex, birth control, drugs, and peer pressure. Everything from diet to dying LOL. You would naturally seize the opportunity to discuss expecting menstruation and what it's all about.

It was her rite of passage, so to speak, that mom and dad took a lot of time to plan for all their five children. There's only one boy, so dad planned for their weekend together. Their time together served to bring each child closer to the parent they probably most identified with. My girlfriend is not a teacher, but she kept/keeps all her children home and home schools them. This one is their eldest daughter, who now attends Yale. Their only son entered Wharton in September on a full scholarship. The other three are not out of high school yet.

I think you're a special mom to plan for your daughter's milestone and to seek suggestions. Best wishes to both of you.

I must say I'm surprised to see so much negativity attached to this subject. I remember my first period. . . I remember practically skipping through the lobby of our apartment house, thinking, Now I'm a woman!! L0L

I would have loved some sort of small female celebration. (No boys!!!)

NO...I've never heard of such a thing here in Iowa.

patti

Maybe the negativity is relative to each person's experience of their periods. I know I wouldn't wish mine on my worst enemy so besides the ability to give birth, I really can't think of that much good about it. My old boss told me that she doesn't mind hers because she's never had a cramp in her life. I just about smacked her right there and then, hahahahaha!

alisande, it's not that the idea of getting a period is negative (at least in my mind), it's the idea of having a party or celebration.

I also agree with the majority of the posters here. You have to remember, not all of us has had a "positive" experience. I cried and cried. Then again, I was 10.

Mother/daughter time together sounds great to me!

It's a personal matter, I think, and private also. Definitely not much of a celebration, maybe lunch in a nice restaurant at the most.

Since our city has lots of Mexican Culture, I have heard of these "coming of age" parties. I think the girls usually about 15 years of age. I am not sure if it's around the time of her having her first cycle or not. It is a huge deal though. Almost like a wedding, and I am not kidding. They buy a real pretty dress, have a band/DJ and tons of food and have a great ole time. There is always alot of family and friends present.

Anybody else know what I am talking about?
Judy

Good Lord - Now I've heard everything. Is nothing sacred?

Personally, I think its not a thing one would want to celebrate. Some countries also hang the newlyweds sheets out after the wedding night to prove she was a virgin.To each his own...common customs for them ,but not ones I would want to adopt...

Yeah, Judy. I lived a couple blocks from Mexican Village for a short while and learned of it there. It's around their 15th birthday, whereas American girls often celebrate the Sweet 16. I couldn't begin to spell what they call the celebration. Not sure I could pronounce right. That's what I assumed Buehl was talking about since I've never heard of any culture celebrating a girl's menstruation. They're all more so a rite of passage into womanhood and centered around a certain age, not a specific milestone event such as that. Not that I've heard about every culture, of course.

Caroline, I always thought that was awfully unfair (not to mention stupid, but to each their own). Not every woman bleeds at that time. I didn't until 3 or 4 days later. I used to hang out with a few Chaldean women, who told me they know of women who cut themselves so they'd bleed on the sheets. I can see a woman having to do that just to save face whether she was a virgin or not.

good 3... looked it up...it's a coming of age party (15), and have posted a site (one of several)not close to the subject above.. as are the celebrations of jewish girls at the age of 13 with a bat mitzyah...

i was going to mention a sweet sixteen party is a little late these days for girls to celebrate (the last 10 years or so the age menses are starting is getting younger)...aka brit spears little sister...how sad that is! instead of a sweet sixteen she's going to have a baby shower!

Here is a link that might be useful: http://www.zonezero.com/exposiciones/fotografos/LeVine/default.html

Buy her chocolate then clear a space in the freezer for it, right near your stash. :~)

It was never discussed when I was growing up but I've heard of mother-daughter celebrations and/or a trip to have the ears pierced something considered grwon-up in any event.

I think we should have a celebration at the END of it not the begining of it IMHO

LOL I like Bluejeans4ever's suggestion.

I must admit that had I known how my moods would become hostage to my hormones I might not have skipped through the lobby that day. ;-)

I think the 'celebration' was originated in some cultures who were anxious to marry off their daughters and have them start families in order to populate the tribe.

When my DD started her period, we had lunch out, followed by shopping afterward where she picked out a nice basket organizer with lid in which to keep her supplies. I used the opportunity to tell her that her cycle indicated she was healthy and probably had a great chance of being able to have children of her own someday, in the far, far, future. That got a laugh, because she knew exactly what I meant, since we'd had the bird and bees talk when she was younger.

If you really want to have some kind of celebration for her, I suggest talking to her and seeing how she feels about it. My advice would be to let her pick out the "cover" story. Depending upon her social group, maybe you could have a new year's eve party for her friends. It's a new year, she's becoming an adult, it fits. And unless she tells anyone, nobody will have a clue what the original impetus behind the party was. Though if you do go through with it, be prepared to be sworn to secrecy to never mention the "other" thing, cause if you do, you will be in TROUBLE!

Even though I think it's nice you want to celebrate this with and for her, I woulda been mortified, too. Nobody else needs to know that unless SHE decides to tell them! And if the boys find out, that's it--end of the world. The teasing in my jr. high was merciless any time the boys found out. Heaven help you!

In any case, proceed with caution ;-)

(tiptoeing in here)

With the increased participation of fathers in modern families' activities ...

... is there any place for Dad to be involved in the girls' lunch out?

I am rather ashamed that I didn't tell my offspring much about those kind of things (son was 9 and daughter 6 when our family split) and there was only slight discussion ... but I've always felt rather close to daughter.

But I got involved only very marginally with that part of her growing up.

Which troubles me even more, in that I've tried to be a rather open person, in some parts of life, rather than holding my cards of life as close to my chest as many do ... as many of you have learned here. Perhaps one feels more comfortable with such an approach as one gets older.

Do modern fathers get involved with that aspect of their daughter's growing up, along with the other varied issues that develop during their maturing?

I've said for years that I've felt that one of my major tasks as a parent is to help my child prepare, step by step, for independence.

I felt rather sad to hear someone refer to the situation as a "curse", though I've heard similar descriptions before, of course.

ole joyful

I think this is a much more interesting question that it might seem at first. Almost every woman remembers clearly the day of her own youth when her first period started, no matter how long ago it was. Get a group of women together, and they can all tell you details of the day: where, when, what they were doing, how old, the time of year, maybe even what we were wearing! And, almost always, we remember what our mother (or aunt/grandmother/older sister) said to us.

So maybe we should give more thought, what impact we want to have on our daughters, knowing they will always remember what we say and do at that time. I think it does set a tone for the mother/daughter relationship in the years to come.

So I have given a little thought to how I wish myself to respond to my daughter. Just a little, she's only 8. I know it's happening younger in this generation than their mothers, but since I was almost 14, she's hopefully got a little while! I also want to make her feel comfortable about seeing a GYN and staying in control of her own body, including birth control. I don't know how to accomplish it, but I want to do/say something that makes her feel empowered. I think it's an easy time to feel like one is losing control, that the body has a mind of its own. I want her to feel in charge of her own body, the guardian and keeper, in charge of keeping it healthy and strong.

I would not exactly celebrate, I don't want her to feel like having a period is a defining part of who she is or that doing so has made me more proud of her. But knowing she will remember the day, and what I say/do, I want to make sure it's a good, safe feeling memory. I've considered waiting for that time to pass on a family heirloom to her, something that was my mother's or grandmother's, or just mine. Maybe I'd tell her ahead of time, like when we're talking about body changes coming up, saying "When that happens, I'm going to give you this." And she'll know it's a code. If saying "Mom, I started my period today" feels weird to say, or she has trouble getting me alone long enough to say it, she can say "Mom, I'm ready to wear that ring today." And only she and I will know what that means.

I can't see a "coming of age" party or celebration. That seems inappropriate, not quite what the occassion calls for. But a gift, keepsake that comes with a promise that "growing up" doesn't happen all at once, I'm still your mom, I am here to help you through this journey, this is a beginning, not an end. And with this new chore added to your month, (not so) lovely new products to shop for... it might make a girl feel a little better to get something pretty, too!

Thank you all for your honest thoughts. My DD is 11 (12 in March). I hadn't really planned on having a big public party or announcement, but I'm hoping to do something special. She actually appears receptive to the idea. As I mentioned before, I want it to be a positive experience, or at least not a negative one. I can't help but think that we, as adult women, color our daughters' perceptions of menstruating by our negative comments ("the curse") and feelings ("can't wait 'till it's over"). I guess it's that idea of trying to change the world one child at a time coming out. If I can let my DD know that yes, it can be an inconvenience, but it's not the end of the world or something to be dreaded, then perhaps at least one woman--and maybe others--will have a better image of herself as a woman and realize that it's OK to be a woman--even in a "mans' world".

No, I'm not saying that if you hate your period you have a low opinion of women or yourself as a woman, but I'm trying to help my DD's overall image as a woman be a positive one...and not just now but in the future.

I'm probably not making sense...I'm having a difficult time explaining myself for some reason. *sigh*

BTW...I used to hate my period as well until I finally realized that it's part of being a woman and that it's one of things that sets us apart from men...and I wouldn't trade places with a man! It's not that I had/have an "easy" time of it...just the opposite! I've had cramping so severe that I've been incapacitated and heavy periods that used to last 7 days! (I'm over 50 now and I find that the cramping is much less and periods only last 3 or 4 days, but I remember what it used to be like!)

++++

All this was precipitated by my daughter's announcement to me yesterday that two of her friends have started their periods since Thanksgiving...they're the first in her circle!

Stephanie, I hope my daughter has only good things to say about "that day". Although, I only remember that I was 11 and that it was around the time I made my confirmation...I don't remember much else...maybe it's b/c my mother had already talked to me about it and, knowing what to expect and what to do when it happened, helped make it less traumatic/memorable...or maybe my memory is going ;-)

Thanks again everyone!

I think it really depends on the girl and her mother. My DD is 12 and if she follows the generation of women in her family, she won't get her period until she is 15. Her doctor actually told me that girls can't get their period until they have a certain amount of fat on them, and DD is only in the 10th percentile. I was the same way. Right now when I casually mention the word "period" I can see that DD doesn't want to talk much about it. She has no idea which of her friends has a period. She's just not there. I'll wait and see how things go as she gets older.

As for me personally, I am so glad my mother didn't do anything special for my first period. I certainly didn't want to celebrate! I always hated it when I heard people refer to getting a period as now being a woman.

If your daughter seems receptive to something special, go for it.

Sheryl

When I 'came of age', Ma made a nice aarti - an oil lamp, some vermilion, rice grains, a gold ring, a betelnut, and sweets - all together in a plate; first she put the vermilion tikka on my forehead, then the rice grains (those symbolise blessings), then the betelnut in an arc around my face, same thing with the gold ring and the oil lamp - and fed me the sweets. And I got a cash gift. (This is pretty much what we do on birthdays, weddings, when a newly-married couple visits us for the first time, for brothers & husbands during Diwali, etc). Then Papa did the same. I don't remember being embarrassed at all - could have something to do with Papa being a doctor. That was it - just me, Ma and Pa. Pa said to let me know if I was unable to tolerate the cramps, and he'd give me some meds. And later, if I needed supplies urgently, I knew I could always count on my brother to get them for me.

At Gran's house, they were so orthodox that a girl would have to sit in a room and not touch anything during 'those' days; she wasn't allowed to touch others, either. I didn't go through that; I just never told Gran about it ;) They say that in the older generations, since the woman took care of a big family, this was the time she was given complete rest by letting her be by herself in a room. LOL What I remember vividly is the cousins who didn't know why the girl wasn't allowed to go play with them were told that 'The crow touched her' - the guys would come to me and ask - 'Is it true, Panju? Did you see the crow touch her? How did it get inside the house?' and then they would make fun of her, she would threaten to touch them (if she did, they had to take a bath) -- LOL, life doesn't get any more crazy! I'm glad these practices are not prevalent now. We aren't supposed to do the 'pooja' for God during those days either, though not everyone follows it.

In Sri Lanka, they celebrate the occasion by throwing a huge party, elaborate rituals are followed, lavish feasts for hundreds of guests; it's like a wedding.

Buehl, I think a mother-daughter outing would be very nice, if your daughter is OK with it. Or a special gift for her. I think it's very nice of you to be thinking about making this a special time for her, making it a positive experience.

Sign my name to Stephanie's post. Well said!

And Pranjal's post just goes to show that cultures are different and we not should presume that everyone shares our background. What many of us consider unworthy of celebrating is entirely different for others.