Thanks for the update, Barb. I'm so sorry to hear about your father's infection. I hope he can get some relief, but I also know it's very difficult for infections, breaks, and you name it to heal in the very elderly. My mom just fell last week and cracked two ribs. There's nothing much they can do for her other then give her some pain killers. The ribs will have to heal on their own. But, as I just said, since she's 94 years old, there's no telling how long that will take. Or if they will ever heal. I'm also sorry to hear of your dad's increasing confusion. I agree with what you said. You know with your mind to expect that kind of behavior. But when you come face to face with it, it's still hard to deal with. I hope you are doing OK, and pray that God will give you the strength for the days ahead. Keep us posted.

Barb, sounds like you've had some pretty good visits and that your dad is adjusting little by little. I know his talking about going home is hard for you, but you're doing the best you can for both him and you. Bringing my mom to my home for the holidays is out of the question now. She just gets too confused about where she is, and that makes her afraid & agitated. Last year my daughter & I joined her at the AL dining room for Thanksgiving dinner & Christmas dinner. It worked out really well. We were able to spend some time with her in familiar surroundings. Then we opened her presents in her apartment. Now she's in the memory care wing, but I think they'll have a similar set up. Thanks for the update.

BTW, having Power of attorney is not a substitute for the HIPAA privacy releases. Because of the vagueness of the HIPAA laws, every single doctor and medical facility can interpret them in different ways. Our estate attorney drew up not only regular power of attorney docs, but also healthcare power of attorney with HIPAA releases that can be used in every situation with any medical facility or personnel. First of all, it sounds like you may need to talk to a geriatrician, if you can find one (a dying breed, unfortunately). You don't necessarily need to replace his doctor, but get some second opinions here if you can. Second, it is sad but true that many people have these kinds of anxieties and will only go into facilities when they are forced to. Is there any chance you can at least get one of those medical alert systems so that your dad can remain independent a bit longer? Talk to your dad's doctor; they often get discounts for patients for some of these systems. Certainly there are bad facilities as well as good ones. You should start investigating what's available now, because good ones have a waiting list. At the very least this helps calm a lot of your own anxiety because you will have a better idea of what to do when the time finally comes. Once you've found some good prospects, see if you can get your dad to visit with you during social hours, so he can see what kind of activities are there and what the people are like. It takes time, so don't expect to change his mind quickly. My MIL lives with us and it's taken us a year to get her to visit a local senior center for a weekly seniors exercise class! Now she's getting comfortable enough with the people that she's considering taking an additional line-dancing class on a second day - for her, that's amazing progress. Certainly there's a basis for your dad's doctor to dislike putting people into facilities - it's been proven people are happier and live longer in their own homes. But your dad seems to be falling into that 'gray area', where he may not be capable of being independent much longer. It's hard for parents to recognize that they are failing and need to be taken care of by their children. It's especially hard for women, because the older generation and much of the medical establishment does not take women as seriously as they do men - that's just fact. I find I have to speak pretty forcefully to my MIL for her to take my word for things, she keeps saying, "Well, I'll ask my son when he comes home." It's just habit and cultural differences, so keep plugging away. Don't fuss or get emotionally upset over it - if you remain calm and logical, people will start to take your concerns seriously. It may not be obvious now that your dad is starting to get confused, but if dementia is indeed happening, there are tests that can help determine how fast the mental deterioration is progressing over time.

Thank you everyone for your words of encouragement. It has really meant a lot to all of us to know that there are others out there who care and share our outrage at this injustice. We are finally letting ourselves talk about what he'll do when he's out, his first wish is to go to IHOP. Whatever, we'll do it! He will probably want a private homecoming, get used to being home and free and able to use a bathroom with a door. Then we plan a party for friends & family. If it's after the holidays that he's home, we're having Christmas in February, where the house will be decorated with every holiday theme, and we'll serve a traditional Thanksgiving dinner and open presents. Jon is planning to go back to school...he's talked about going to tattoo school, but also getting a degree in business...he thought tattoos will provide him back up income. For the short term he would like to travel the US, but has to wait till he's allowed to leave the state. We think he's going to go live with his sister in a small town where no one knows him and he can attend the college there. I think it's a great idea, and it suits his personality. All I know is that I'm so happy my son has retained his sense of humor and is probably even more compaasionate now than before. Especially because he's run into many people who don't have any sort of support system,education or hope for the future. And he's run into the worst attitudes of homophobia, racism and hatred, and it's more firmly entrenched his ideals of fairness. We are planning to petition the court to expunge his record once he's completed all post-prison supervision. We'll also petition for a pardon, but that's not as likely to happen. We're confident we can get his name cleared, but it's not going to happen fast enough.