Sounds like your Mum is really stressed out, as we get older our stress level is off kilter sometimes. Just bear with her and say you are sorry if you said the wrong thing and let it go.She probably feels just as bad as you do. Merry Christmas .

She's 96? And she's baking and roasting a turkey and having overnight guests?? Your mother is amazing!!

I agree with Teddybear. This sounds like a combination of stress and an exaggeration of less-than-stellar personality traits that can come with old age. I wouldn't be surprised if your mom is feeling a tad overwhelmed with Christmas preparations.

I'm sorry, but what is your niece thinking????? That is an enormous imposition, no matter how hale and hearty your mom is. If I were you, I'd call Niece and ask her to change her plans, nicely of course. There's no way I'd let a 96-year-old make Christmas dinner AND have house guests for two days!!

Maybe your mom thought you were saying she misunderstood the niece...by you saying the niece "requested" rib roast maybe your mom thought you were saying she misunderstood the difference between a request & the niece commenting she usually makes rib roast.

I second the what is the niece thinking??!!! She is getting free room & board and having a 96 yr old cook for her LOL the niece should be either paying for all the food & helping at the least if not doing it all or finding some restaurant or meat market that sells premade! ~ liz

Are you friendly with you niece? I would talk with her. Its a lot of work for anyone. I know I would be exhausted from all that work and I'm much younger then your mom. Maybe you can help with the preparations. Or the niece. Personally I would be making reservations at a nice restaurant. We have done this in the past with my MIL and her sons. That way everyone was relaxed and enjoyed the meal. Just serve dessert at her home.
Mary

my mother was a real "b" when she hit about 75-80...and when she moved in here, it was woe is me...refused to drive, then developed that attitude where we went she had to go...the thing was, she missed her own mobile home, missed vegas and the dry heat (we're mi) it really put a barrier between us...

it could be a med your mom is taking or not enough of her contemporaries left to be with....any number of things...as long as she's able to do for herself, let her...I bet she'll welcome the overnight guest but I would remind them to be very GOOD guests (clean, ect..)

First of all, you are extremely lucky to still have your mother! I thank God everyday that I still have my father--he is almost 92 and independent. Sometimes he gets a little "testy" - we just let it pass...and it will. Don't fret about it. Your mother probably just used you to "vent" about the rib roast. (She doesn't have the KT family to vent to!) She would rather make the turkey, but she will likely make the rib roast to make her granddaughter happy. We have had similar things with Dad, where he will want to do one thing, but compromises to make someone else happy...then vents his frustration to us.

Wait until later today, or tomorrow, and then call as if nothing has happened. It will be fine. Let us know how it works out.

I don't think you should involve yourself, as others have suggested, in the already made plans between your mom & your niece. The woman is 45...she should know the do's & don'ts by now. It could really set your mom off if you try to "rearrange" things. And who knows what the conversation *really* was between mom & niece. My experience was that at her age they aren't always reliable in their interpretation of current happenings,,, just like you just experienced. Some times the oxygen just doesn't get totally infused into the brain. Glad she lives close to you & you can keep close tabs on your mom. When her status & abilities change it will likely happen very quickly, as you well know I'm sure. Just keep letting things roll off your back. I have known your frustration. Hugs to you.

I disagree that you should just let it ride. Perhaps you could take a swing by her place while you're out, and tell her that you're concerned that there was something of a disconnect during the conversation. Replay it to find out and clarify what each of you meant.

Why have this on your mind and hers when it could (likely) easily be addressed?

I agree what a blessing to have her alive and well at 96!
My mother in law has been extremely active and is 91, till this recent illness that everyone including her specialist thought would do her in. I was not about to let her try to do Thanksgiving dinner by herself like she normally had to do on the years I was not there to help. I did the meal making her sit in her chair and visiting with her family, the whole time of course she would pop in to help. No way.
I am just amazed that your mom at her age is doing any part of this kind of thing. That is a tremendous amount of work for a much younger person with the stress that goes with it. And omg the neice! What kind of self centered Brat is she? She should be thanking the Good Lord above that she is still able to get a visit with her. I would be very upset with her.

My mom is also 91 but in a very different condition, she is totally bed bound, extremely frail, some days she knows us some days not. Some days she is thinking she is back at the old house with daddy and her little girls, but they seem to be happy times and she is laughing. That's our blessing, she is alive, she is feeling well, she has happy days, and the days she knows us and tells us she loves us well that's the cherry on top.

Know how precious the time is with this amazing woman who is 96 and still able to slam the phone down! I would be thrilled to have a phone call.

I would let "it" rest for a few hours and then I would call her again or stop by her home. If she's still as negatively responsive, I would consider calling her doctor and discussing it with him/her. The stress the niece's request has caused her may have triggered a health issue. I certainly wouldn't let it pass under any circumstances...unless this common behavior.

Anne

Are you joining them for dinner? Whether you are or not, check with your niece first about the conversation, then how about you cooking a rib roast and bringing it over?

There's no right or wrong in family disputes. I like to side-step them or correct someone's gripe whenever possible to defuse misunderstandings or feelings of having been done in. Usually the remedy is simple and anyway has little importance (to me) compared to having an ongoing rift.

Perhaps she thought you would volunteer to help her out and that didn't happen. I would not let it wait and fester. Stop by her house and talk to her before you go shopping. That way if she changes her mind, you can still pick up the items she needs.

I'm 91 and I can tell you it would stress me to have overnight guests plus preparing Christmas dinner.

Your mom may be feeling bad about her lack of energy to do this but I know from experience we all want to "keep on keeping on." I'd suggest that you help her all you can without discussing the whys and wherefores.

I can't help but think that the niece shouldn't impose herself on your mom this way.

Senior gal I was hoping you would chime in!
I agree everyone should be pitching in and carrying a good share of the load.
I think everyone can appreciate the effort put forth in this kind of thing.
I have never understood how some people just expect it to be done for them with out any contributions on their part whether it be assistance or monetary.

Good to see you here! Have a very Merry Christmas, same to your husband.

OMG!! 96 and still preparing dinner and hosting people. I'm so impressed. Probably she's feeling overwhelmed. I think the 45 year old should be helping instead of demanding.

Your mom might have agreed to make a rib roast for your niece and when you said she should just stick with the turkey, it might have angered her to have someone agree with her after she considers it "too late", since she might have already told the GD she'd do beef. Perhaps she was just a bit exasperated by it all and blew off some steam.

My mother always told me that people blow up with the ones they feel the safest with, so consider that a compliment. :)

Hopefully it'll blow over and all will be well. Good luck! I'm sorry she unloaded on you.

Wise women that you are, you have hit many nails on the head. I think now that she wanted me to join her in being angry at my niece instead of more or less coming to her defense.

Yes, she is just astounding for her age. She volunteers in a hospital thrift shop two days a week. She runs the donations side and is on her feet and moving things around from 9:30 to 4:30. No one can believe her age. It's nice for her to be out with other people of all ages and using her brain. She has not lost any of her marbles!

This is one of those complicated family matters. My nieces have been asked to please NOT come for holidays any more, but this one seems to think it does not apply to her. In fact she and her family were just here last weekend (they live in NC and we live in PA). They flew up for a family wedding (her husband's side) and had dinner at mom's and spent the night. They could very well have stayed at his father's house, but I think the father (a widower) has made it clear that it's too much for him (he's in his early 70's).

My mom;s house is very big and there is a wing with three bedrooms and two full baths that is great for visitors. I always feel bad that I cannot have everyone come to my house but it is small and we sit with our knees bumping (almost). She also has a huge piece of land and the kids like to mess around out there. The biggest attraction is an abandoned swimming pool (they are teenagers, not likely to drown).

You are correct that the holiday stress is too much for her. If no one came to visit, she would just send checks to all and be done with it. She absolutely will not give up the cooking. That is her domain. I have had everyone to my house a few times and it has worked out well and I always offer to have holiday meals here, but she never agrees. The entire family pitches in with setting the table and the clean up. Everyone tries to do as much as they can.

Anyway, I got the dates and almond paste anyway since I was at the store, plus some of her favorite candy. I also dropped off a casserole I made last night. I went after my library volunteer duty and she was not home! My son was there and he had just put up her outdoor Christmas lights. I waited for half an hour but she did not show up so I left. I will call her later. I bet she went out and bought the stuff herself, just to show me. LOL.

Anyway, we are not a family that has much drama or hold grudges. This will blow over. Soon, I hope. Thanks for listening. It helped and I appreciate your thoughts.

She sounds amazing! Very spunky. Here's my take. I'm only in my 50s, but the thing that stresses me out so much when guests come is not so much the cooking, but the cleaning before and the laundry afterward. Could you come over and do some dusting and vacuuming for her and offer to do the bedding and towels after the niece leaves? The niece doesn't sound like the type that would think to strip the sheets and start the laundry. I protest when my (and if) my guests do this, but I'm secretly relieved, lol.

I think because your mom is so active, family members tend to forget just how old she is. I don't care how good her health is and how amazing she is, 96 is still 96. Yes, there are some 66 year olds who are older in spirit and energy but no matter how spry your mom is, 96 years takes its toll on the body. You should print this post out and send it to your niece. p.s. Your mom is amazing!!!

Mom has a cleaning lady who does all the dusting, vacuuming and takes care of cleaning the bathrooms. Mom does the laundry. My niece does take the sheets off the bed. I always tell Mom to leave the sheets and I will put them back on the beds, but she wants things done immediately, so she ends up doing it herself. Then she gets exhausted and starts sniping at everyone.

Niece #3 is coming to visit later in the week and has asked to stay at mu house, which is fine and I enjoy having them. However, my mom's feelings get hurt because they are not staying with her -- but if she were, Mom would complain bitterly. You are damned if you do and damned if you don't!

Well, she just called to say thanks for the stuff I dropped off and no mention of the turkey-rib roast conversation, so all is well. I asked where she was when I went to her house and she said the liquor store, the grocery store, the thrift shop and the drug store. Oy.

I did get the wrong kind of dates but she was happy with the almond paste! Mothers.

Pam, I know what you mean. You love them to bits, but they drive you batty. Hug her, kiss her and make like a duck, let it roll off you. I wish I had mine to grouch about.

But then again I have Dad at 86........

86! He's a youngster. I had one uncle who lived to 106. You may have your dad for another 20 years.

This was a really sweet post. I had no doubt it would all turn out fine. Thanks for the memories.

Here is a link that might be useful: http://www.amazon.com/dp/0449215296/ref=rdr_ext_tmb#reader_0449215296

I lurk her every night and feel like I know you all. I may be way off base but I have a 94 year old dad who still lives by himself, drive, shops, cooks and everything except what the cleaning lady does. A few years ago I also, with his blessing, told all his grandchildren, great grandchildren plus everyone else that there would no longer be any overnight visits at grandpas. Everyone was welcome to visit for a few hours but it was just too much for him to plan for dinners and breakfast for overnight guest.

I have one niece who thought that it applied to everyone but her. She would show up unannounced with her family and just take over his house. I tried talking to her and was told in no uncertain terms that it was not my business. Well I walked in on one of her visits and she was questioning my dad about his will. I interrupted her and ask just what do you want to know. She again said it was not any of my business she was talking to her grandfather. My dad finally said if you want to know anything you better listen to your aunt she is in charge of all my money and the executor of my will and all my trusts. Turn out she wanted one of his vacation homes. I explained to her his entire estate would be left to her mother and me and if she wanted to know
anymore about it she should talk to her mother.

Well needless to say that visit ended shortly and funny thing is she has not been back. It really hurt my dadâÂÂs feeling to find out she only visited him because she wanted something. Now I think I know where some of the things missing out of the house have gone but dad would probably given her anything she wanted if she had ask.

I know what you mean about you are damned if you do and damned if you donâÂÂt. I am the one that looks out for my dadâÂÂs best interest. After my mother died he handed all their business dealing to me said he just didnâÂÂt want to do it. I give him a monthly report that he signs off on, all very legal, but sometimes I feel like an employee reporting to the chairman of the board instead of a daughter. He told me to sell the vacation home!

I've been there and done that. My mother lived to age 96 and was an independent woman. what kept us from each other's throats was 350 miles; that's the distance between our homes. It is possible that what you said and what she heard (understood) were two different things. She may have read too much into a tone of voice, and she may not have heard an accurate renidition of 'tone'. When we get old, we have collected a large mental library of speach nuances that we depend on for reading 'between the lines". Its used as a crutch to prop up our dull hearing. My mother was a dear soul, but her logic, or lack of logic, could be exaperating and it clouded our relationship. I found it was best not to make a big deal out of everything and let certain comments ride if those did not affect the outcome of the day. I did not have to always be 'right' or prove a point.

from the tone of your description, is seems to me that you mother really wanted to get out of the house and browse the merchandice herself. Independent? Yes, but one who is still alive and desires to maintain some control over her surroundings.

Its the unspoken, missing items, that can create discord. I foundthis happening with my mother. During a conversation, she had supposed that she had spoken a particular thought, but, in reality had only thought it and failed to voice it. A short time later, she would not understand why I was so ignorant about it. Those episodes created much ill will until I at last caught on what had transpired, and that was one of those items it was best to let slide.

God bless all the elderly moms and dads out there, and all the children (of all ages) who take care of them. Just wanted to add that little bit.

What an amazing woman you have for a mother. I'm 74 and taking on overnight guests AND cooking is no easy feat. I understand you being upset that she was upset. I think she wanted validation about her feelings that were upsetting her. Sometimes it's better just to listen and not respond. She may have heard "just make the turkey" as an order rather than a suggestions. However, It all worked out well in the end and that's all that matters.

I do not have any relatives that old - but could it be possible that your niece said "Grandma you know I love your rib roast - are you having that?" trying to compliment her cooking & the memories & your Mom was disappointed that she couldn't re-create the past & you called & she took her anger out on you?

I was going to second the suggestion made by some that you drop around to visit Mom soon, preferably later in the day, to have a second look at what happened, maybe get some of the other person's understanding of the situation and feelings clarified somewhat, but without making a big thing of it.

Sometimes as we get older, even though coping well, as your Mom is in spades ... we get a bit crotchety ... memory bad, hearing not up to par (sight, either), and the body isn't enthusiastic about doing all of the stuff that it used to do with a song.

ole joyful