Who still has Adult children...............

17 years ago

living with them.

My daughter is home for the holidays and staying until January.

I had posted before how difficult and unhappy she was. Anyway, just wondering how many people still have adult children living at home and how do they get along.

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Comments (37)

pattico_gw
17 years ago
ME....it was supposed to be just for a couple of months while they recooped....it's been a year and a half.

Now...while I still love my son to pieces and we have a lot of fun and laughs...

I'd like to have our privacy back...

But then I'd miss him again.

patti
mad_about_mickey
17 years ago
We have a 22 year old who says he never wants to leave....

We are finishing the upstairs to move him up there.

He and I get on each others nerves. If I would never ask him to do anything, he would be happy as pie.
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I am recently estranged from my 26 year old son. It happened last summer after what was supposed to be a wonderful family trip to Hawaii. We invited my oldest son and his wife to come along with us, all expenses paid. We had been fortunate to have free air travel due to mileage. To make a long story short, are daughter in law has never liked us. Almost as soon as I met her I told my husband that she was very comfortable with us (i.e. lack of respect!) As soon as they were engaged I started hearing about things I had done that 'hurt her badly," from my son. This went on up to the wedding, with me continually apologizing and making amends for crimes I didn't commit. My husband told my son at the wedding that we really wanted his wife to call us Mom and Dad now, not by our first names which she had been given permission to address us by (reluctantly.) 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I wouldn't use the word "wrong", but I would call it perhaps short-sighted and lacking in awareness. You seem to have no idea HOW or WHY the problem between your children, your husband and yourself developed. Why is it that you don't have any insight into this? Have you ever tried counseling or even a good heart-to-heart with any of your kids? have you sat down and pondered what might be underlying their distance? (I'm not presuming you haven't, I am just asking.) The children you gave birth to are too important (and not just them themselves, but to YOU as their mother) to not probe this deeper. By insisting that you delve int the source of the problem, I am not necessarily assuming that your kids have a great reason for keeping their distance from you and your husband. Their reasons may range from completely valid to terribly selfish, or --if they're like most people--- some combination or somewhere in between. They would certainly not be the first children of divorce in blended families to have such mixed feelings, or to find it hard to connect with their role in the newly blended family. They also wouldn't be the first to have some unresolved anger, or an attitude about it, not necessarily because you or your husband have done anything so awful but simply because of the fact that their family is not what it once was. Often, unfortunately, this kind of deep-seated upset can manifest by the kids choosing ---consciously or unconsciously--- to keep their distance, knowing no other way to effectively deal with feelings they may not even fully recognize in themselves. You are asking for a reasonable amount of consideration from your kids, but I would ask on their behalf for a reasonable amount of consideration on your end as to what their underlying needs and feelings might be. I don't know your kids, but maybe you don't know them as well as you could, either. It's possible they truly are despicable oafs who are no longer worth your time or consideration. But wow, what a thing to say/feel about your own kids. Is that really how you want it? I doubt it, or you wouldn't be on here asking about it. I might also ask you at this point what sort of input your husband and stepchildren have on the matter of your kids. Do they encourage you to explore the issues or seek counseling or literature on the subject of blended families? Do they express any empathy for what it may feel like to have been in your kids' shoes, post-divorce? Are they welcoming when your kids are around? Basically: are they a force for trying to build bridges or do they encourage you to build walls? Again, I am not assuming they are or are not one way or the other... just that this can have a big impact on the cohesiveness of the blended family and either ease or exacerbate tensions and distance...
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Oh my. In my opinion, you need to speak to husband. He is making things harder than need be. Your husband being overly stubborn over the title 'grandma' is going to work against you, not in your favor. Husband can not stomp his foot and demand his grandchildren call you anything other than politely address you by your name. When and if the kiddies choose to call you 'grandma' they will do it on their own (and I don't think the adult children should object if the kids themselves choose to call you this title). Refusing to go to the party because DH could not sign the card 'grandpa and grandma'? Ouch. It really sounds like you are being very willing to work with everyone involved to make things comfortable and agreeable to everyone concerned....it's your husband that needs to stand back a bit and let things take a natural course. The kiddies may never call you grandma, but if they are receptive to you and respectful of you they very well may come to appreciate your role in their life. Just because you are not called 'grandma' does not mean you can't have a caring/loving relationship with the kids if they are willing. I think the important thing is the relationship itself and not what you or they call it. If they want to call you Grandpa and _______ , so be it. The important to me would be that a title does not get in the way of the actual actions and relationship. I would not be offended if I were called _______. I would be offended if Grandpa was called Grandpa and I was called 'hey you' and treated rudely. If I were not wanted to actually participate in the parties and family events or mistreated because I did so, then I'd have issues. Being called _______, I could be happy with. Afterall, bottomline, I not grandmother and should not demand a title they are not willing to share. My youngest daughter has no living biological grandfather. My mother's SO (22 yr relationship before he passed on)was 'Grandpa' to her. The gentleman helped full a otherwise empty role in her life. But no one made her address him as 'grandpa' and no one made him take on the role of 'grandpa'. It just happened. She crawled up on his lap one afternoon, hugged him and said 'I love you Grandpa'. We (mother and I) never called him anything but his first name to my daughter. She did it all by herself. The gentleman just totally beamed with joy when she took him by surprise by doing so. Mother and I kept our mouths shut and let them have their grandpa/grandchild relationship. No one tried to sway their relationship one way or the other. They chose it, they developed it, we (mother and I) stayed out of it. That's not to say though that my daughter does not know he was really not her biological grandfather. It does not mean she does not know about my father. I've shared many stories with her about my dad. So did her fill-in 'grandpa'. The gentleman was my father's first cousin and they (the two gentleman) grew up together. Perhaps your husband needs to quietly discuss things with his children. Kinda one by one he take them out to lunch and just open up to each other. He can't demand things that they are not comfortable with and he can't race things that sometimes just need to take time. An so too, dad needs to realize somethings might never happen. All he can do is expect respect. Both towards himself, towards you and towards your new life together. He also needs to let the adult children know that he is open to discussions with them when/if something arises that they are uncertain of and/or uncomfortable with. I actually suggest some of the attempt at open communication comes just between Dad and the adult children at least to start. I don't think the kids should be put on the spot by having to have a group family meeting (you included in it) where they might say something that would hurt feelings or not feel like they can openly speak ...I think the goal would be to get an understanding between the father and his children, know how each one of them feels, what they are and are not comfortable with. The adult children have to realize that Dad is moving on with his life, there are changes, just like the children need to move on with their life. Life is for the living. While we all have changes in our life and some changes are easier to cope with than others, we can't hold back the blows and hardships life tosses at us and all we can do is work towards making it through the ups and downs as a team aka family. You sound as if you could be a very positive addition to both dad and the adult step children's life. You just have to take it step by step, one day/event at a time and keep the communication lines flowing. First the first time in being a parent to Dad's children, he may have to learn to make father/child decisions on his own. Sure you and he can discuss issues together, he can ask for your advice, but in the end, Dad has to learn how to be a parent to his adult children on his own just as his children must learn to go on through life now without their mother. Your situation does not sound hopeless. It just kinda sounds like you all got thrown in these changes in all your life without a roadmap to help guide you through. Patience, time and a little empathy all around got my sister and I through the unexpected changes we faced. I wish you all the best.
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OklaMoni
17 years ago
Well, sort of?

My 33 year old daughter is living in my "house for sale", the one we moved from this summer, but it hasn't sold yet.

But, to her credit: She is paying all the utility bills.
bigack
17 years ago
We do, We do! Our son, 39, is here, got himself deeply in debt with gambling/emotional problems, nearly put us in debt also, but now he's on meds and counseling and doing much better. We kind of miss our privacy, but he's such a help with the dogs and chores, indoors and out. He's not working, but we hope that will change in spring.
jannie
17 years ago
My two daughters, 19 and 20, still live home. They both attend the local community college and have jobs, so I rarely see them. They come home late at night, feel free to eat food from my refrigerator, use my washer and dryer and take 30 minute showers.
mad_about_mickey
17 years ago
Jannie LOL I know about the shower thing!! And the food just gets gone. you know you have it some where,
you just bought it and you know you are not nuts-
go looking for it and its GONE.

He has a job, works 4 days a week 12 hour days.
The rest of the week is vacation!
Jodi_SoCal
17 years ago
21 year old son still lives at home. He told us when he was very little that he wants to live with us until he's 80. I'm starting to believe him. :-) Actually, he was out looking this last weekend for a house or condo to buy.

Jodi-
enjoyingspring
Original Author
17 years ago
Yes, I know too about the 30 minute showers, my daughter makes a lot of money but she doesn't even offer to buy us a "donut".

I don't understand it.
doxiemom
17 years ago
I have 2 grown daughters still living at home. My 22 year old has OCD and Asperger's Syndrome. She is going to the local community college and should have a degree in about a year and a half. My second daughter is 19 and tells me she is never leaving me. She is also going to the local community college. She tells me she will always take care of me so she can't leave!! I think she just likes being lazy at home!!
azzalea
17 years ago
My dd stayed here until she was 26 (she boomeranged back after one semester at the university, and stayed for about another 7 years). It was tough in the beginning, but as she matured, she became much more easy to live with. Once she got her degree and a good job, I expected her to pay room and board. She did--with a little grumbling at first. Without telling her, I stashed that money away with the remainder of her college account. When she needed to buy a new car and would have had to finance $10,000, I lent it to her out of 'her' money--and she paid me back. When she eventually bought herself a condo--I handed over the passbook to her, and she was amazed at the savings she had, without realizing she'd been saving all along.

As far as living with her? For the most part it worked out fine. And I think, in the long run, we're better friends today for having that extra time together. In all honesty, I think, if she'd left when she was an older teen, or young 20's (during that time when kids are so sure they know everything and need to get away from their dumb parents)--I really don't think we'd be as close as we are today.

Sure there are challenges--those interminable showers, the fact that it's hard to tell a 24 year old to clean her room, the 'stuff' they accummulate in hopes of getting their own place... but all in all, I think those years were well worth it for all of us. Not the least of which was the fact that she and her father had a bit of a disagreement when she was 19, and they had time to work through all that, and are closer than ever now.
country_bumpkin_al
17 years ago
My 28yr old son still lives with me! We get along great and respect each others privacy! He's been a tremendous help to me since his Dad died (June 21st). More than once I've come home from work to supper already fixed and the kitchen cleaned up!(he's a great cook BTW!)
softball_80
17 years ago
DD#2 (23) & DD#3 (22 on 12/16) still live with us. Times are different these days; how is a person that young going to get up even the down payment on a $200,000 home, even with college degrees which both have? In this part of the country that's what it takes to live in a safe neighborhood. Call me old fashioned but the prospect of a 4 figure mortgage payment every month for 30 years would scare the (bejabbers) out of me.

One advantage, both are really great with my MIL, their grandmom (lives with us), who is at a point where she can't be by herself; one or the other is usually available to keep an eye on her.

They can stay as long as they want.
vannie
17 years ago
Our son lived here for a year after his divorce and I loved it. He's funny, good company, and would do anything I asked. Between work and running around (you gotta find another girl!) he really wasn't here that much. I was sorry when he left, but it's not natural to live w/ your parents when you're 37 years old!
mimi_boo
17 years ago
All of you are so generous!

I lived at home the first two years of college and again between jobs, but I was expected to pay room and board and abide by all the rules of the house.

Fast foward to 1999 when my mother and I bought a house together and now it has turned around where she needed care - I was happy to assist. She now lives with my brother and his family as they have more people to assist with her care.

Just my opinion, but I'm glad my father required me to pay my own way - and without any "reimbursement" later on. It has taught me to be responsible and independent.

Will any of your children take care of you when it comes time?
kathyg_in_mi
17 years ago
One of our sons lived with us until he was 30. We had to sell the house and move up north to get rid of him, really!
But, he was great, my fridge broke and he bought me a new one. I wanted a treadmill and he bought it. If there was no dinner, or one he didn't like he would eat cereal. Many times he bought pizza for us, or took us out for dinner.
I'd take him back in a minute!
Kathy G in MI
terilyn
17 years ago
We do, our 20 year old is still here, we keep telling him to leave, he does, just for the day, then he comes back! He is mildly autistic, emotional age of about 15, don't know when we'll get him out of here!
User
17 years ago
I gave my youngest the boot in August and it was the best thing we ever did. No more kids at home. My 27yo moved out about 5 years ago, a few months before we became foster parents. Then our daughter moved out 3 years ago. We were left with our youngest son who was giving us a lot of grief. We kicked him out while I was in Holland. I emailed him and said he had to be out by the time my vacation was over. He was gone but circumstances forced him back in with us 2 months later. For a *short* time. Yeah right. That turned into 2 years. While he can be the biggest sweetheart, he is so aggravating at the same time. We came to a blow out in August and he moved in with a friend and has been there ever since. His girlfriend (and I use that term loosely) lived with us for just over a month after Christmas last year. I learned when she moved back to Nova Scotia to quickly renovate rooms so they couldn't be lived in again. So her room became my craft room/office. My sons room became my guest room, as in guests who only stay a few days and bring a suitcase, not all of their belongings. LOL Life is so much calmer now.

I always told my kids when they moved out they were allowed back to live with us a short time only ONCE. My boys have used up their pass. My daughter still has hers, but is still on cloud nine with her boyfriend so we won't be seeing her anytime in the near future, with the exception of visits. :o)
carol_in_california
17 years ago
My Dad always told us after we left home, we could only return once and we had better be darn sure the second time we left home. He wasn't kidding. I thought I needed to leave my DH when my DD was born 17 months after first baby.
He told me NO! So, DH and I recently celebrated our 46th wedding anniversary and are mostly happy.
My kids have been gone from home since they were 18 and 19, fortunately. We love our privacy.
My sister has her DD, her DD's boyfriend and their child living with her....was only supposed to be until after Sky was born. Sky is ten now and her mom is 47. My sis is so used to taking care of everybody I have no idea what is to become of her kids when she is disabled or dies. She even has our younger brother, age 62, living with her.
gmom74
17 years ago
Carol in Cal.- your dad sounds like us. After watching the 4 children of a neighbor move in and out with them for years, we told our kids they could come home one time. They all did need to come back that one time but then they were able to live on their own. Of course, if one needed a place to stay again we wouldn't have turned them down but they didn't know that.
rosemaryt
17 years ago
My daughter lived at home for several months while she got back on her feet - financially and physically. In early 2007, she donated a kidney to her best friend and I was so proud of her. :) After that, she lived with us for about seven months and saved up to go to college (she was 28 at the time). I loved every moment. It was delightful to have her in the house and I still miss her every day.

I guess it depends on the kids, but I think you're blessed if your children are still living with you. I sure felt like that with my daughter, but she and I were only 19 years apart in age and have always been very close. And she's a good girl and a hard worker. :)
caflowerluver
17 years ago
My 24 year old DS has OCD and Asperger's Syndrome or High Functioning Autism, depending on what expert you talk to. He went to Community College for 2 years but no degree and it is hard for him to work at a job behavior wise. He has lots of quirks and idiosyncrasies. So it looks like he is here to stay forever.

I would love to convert the office on the opposite end of the house into a MIL suite with bath. His BR is right across from ours and he stays up really late and his TV noise drives us crazy. And I would like some privacy at night occasionally too.
Clare
susan_on
17 years ago
My 23 year old son lives with us. He is still in school, and although he owns a house, he rents it out. He did live on his own for a year. Anyway, sometimes he can be a pain, but mostly he is very pleasant to have around. He is fun and entertaining, and helps out with things. He will do jobs around the house, and be here when service people come. He does his own laundry. Tomorrow he is taking the dog to the vet for me. But most of, he is fun to settle down and watch tv with, the odd time, or we play games and stuff. He has a broken foot right now, and I was sick the other day, and it was nice to just sprawl out with him and watch a movie. He is good company.
sheilajoyce_gw
17 years ago
I welcome my kids if they ever need a place to stay. Their rooms are here for any visits, and we love having them. The oldest lived here during the first two years of her first job out of school as the pay was too low to allow for buying a car and rent at the inflated rates here. She eventually moved to a better paying job in a metropolitan area and found what she knew would be true--that her social life picked up from living at home. Our kids are always welcome if they ever need to come home. They all moved out as soon as they could, and we miss them. We also know they will be happier if they are out on their own and prepared to make a living.
mornie_nm
17 years ago
I don't have any grown children living here but am curious what your cut-off age would be for an offspring coming home if they do not have any health problems.
mornie_nm
17 years ago
Well guess I killed this thread. LOL. Giving it one more chance to troll for opinions.
Linda Wayman
17 years ago
My ex and I divorced when my dd was 4. The job I had was rather seasonal at the time and I was laid off a lot the first two years. I was 23 and also had legal custody of my youngest brother who was 16 at that time. I had a very hard time. When my dd got married I told her I was in no way encouraging her to ever leave her dh, but I wanted her to know she didn't ever have to stay in a miserable relationship because she had no other place to go. She was and still is always welcome if need be. I also told her if she ever did move back home she was expected to get a job or go to school to train for a job, because she needs to know how to support herself in case something unexpected happens. She has beem married 25 years and all is well, thank goodness.
My mother has moved in with me twice. Once when I was single. It was supposed to be until she could get a job and a place for herself and my youngest sister. Four years later she moved out when she remarried. She moved back in in 2001. Her other option at that time was to live on the streets. She stayed 4 years that time too til she remarried again. Four months after she moved in Anna came to live with us. We adopted Anna. I told her recently I hope she will live at home til she gets through college and saves some money to help buy a place of her own.

I did the same thing for my mother and plan to do the same for Anna as Azzalea did. My mother was giving all her money to my sister to buy drugs, so I started charging her to live with us. I put the money back to save for her in case of emergency.
I will charge Anna rent too with the intention of saving it for her if she chooses to stay home.
Wow!! I didn't intend to go on and on. Sorry!!
Linda
User
17 years ago
Mornie, the absolute ONLY way my kids could ever come back home without a health problem is if they had absolutely no other place to go, but they have to be working. No job? There's the homeless shelter. See how fast they find a job then. If you can't pay me rent, then too bad, so sad go live there. I thought my parents were mean when they said that, and thankfully I've never had to stay at the shelter, but they were right not to coddle us. In my house, when you're done school you have 2 weeks vacation. During those 2 weeks, you find a job. You get your first paycheque and start paying bills, which includes room and board. Nobody gets a free ride and nobody gets their room and board back to them when they want to buy a house or car later on. The bank doesn't give me back my mortgage and I've never had a landlord give me back more than my damage deposit. Kids have to learn the hard way right away or they'll keep coming back for more. I enabled my youngest one by not being tougher on him for the 2 years he was here. When I put my foot down in August it shocked him, but it shocked him into reality.
sheilajoyce_gw
17 years ago
I guess it all depends on your area and your kids. My kids always wanted to be on their own, and if I saw that they just wanted to mooch and have a life of ease, I would change my attitude and rules. Thankfully, I have not had to. They know if an emergency comes up, they do have their childhood home to return to. Since we live in the distant suburbs, that would mean a long commute or an impossibility for the one on the other coast, but at least we are here to help if the need arises. I hope it does not, but I watched my parents struggle with 4 kids when my dad was hospitalized for months and my mother had to go east to train so she could keep his business alive till he recuperated. The two youngest stayed with our grandmother, and the two older kids helped mom maintain the house. As he got well, she came down with incurable cancer and died. By then we were old enough (11 and 12) to come home and help run the house.
Eliza_ann_ca
17 years ago
Mine have left and moved back home more times than I can count,but finally they are all settled and happy.
Somedays I wish they were here,but then I also enjoy the peace and quiet with just the two of us.
Since we now live halfway across Canada from them I expect they will all descend on us at one point or another this comming summer.
Then we'll be staying in our big old rambling summer house out on the island,where it's come one come all...I'm so looking forward to that.
mornie_nm
17 years ago
Well I am happy to see no one has their adult child, their spouse and 2 children who have moved back in, allegedly to save up for a hefty down payment(supposed to be only 6 mos or so but has now been 3 years) on a house after selling one they already own. This is a dear friend of mine who doesn't say anything about not liking it so it really is none of my business to try and protect her. LOL. Molly
susan_on
17 years ago
I don't think there's any right or wrong answer. Every family makes that decision based on what is right for them, and their situation. It is interesting to see how other families handle it though.
loggerbaby123
17 years ago
i just had to respond to this because there are 2 sides too every situation. im 41 i semi live with my parents, i have on and off for years, i do have my own trailer, but my dad was so busy it will not be completed until spring. no i do not pay rent, but in my family its like one hand is there for the other. i do all the logging taxes, road taxes, book taxes..taxes taxes taxes ( WERE ALL GETTING TAXED TO DEATH) oops sorry about the caps, when it gets col d i have my own room, but i also cut firewood, still work in the log woods, do whatever my brother wont do, i clean up, sometimes i make dinner..depending on my moms mood long story there, i shovel in winter, i do everything that will help them out because theyve always been there for me. so its only right i do the same, and im happy to do it even if its just for something to do. i try to stay out of their way as much as possible because i feel like im intruding, but that just makes them mad lol this should be their time but noooo...they are stubborn lol maybe it has something to do with i was 15 when i moved out on my own went to school and held down a job and had my own place... they stuck by me then....and we will always stick by each other no matter what!! oh and a ps..i am totally sure i drive them up a tree every now and then lol after all what are kids for!! so yes i do semi live with my parents
lindasewandsew
17 years ago
The title of this thread reminded me of a story about an old couple who were married for 70 years and announced that they were getting a divorce. When asked why they waited for sooooo long, they said, "We wanted to wait till the kids were dead." lol. Linda
sjarz
17 years ago
My daughter who is 20 still lives at home and no sign of her leaving any time soon as she has anxiety issues and rarely leaves the home.
Such a long story I could write a novel about it all but the short of the long is it is such a great worry for me as my own health is not the greatest. If something happens to me I don't know what will happen to her as she is not equipped to live on her own.
Always weighs on my mind and makes holidays like Christmas harder as I always view them as 'one more Christmas and no progress with the DD'.
Suzan J
sjerin
17 years ago
Susan-- has your dd seen anyone (therapist, psychologist, psychiatrist) for this? I have a relative who had a similar issue plus ocd, and has made great strides. The group therapy she eventually went to has helped immensely, as she learned she's not alone and it has been so helpful to talk with others in the same boat. (She was only able to talk in a group after some time, but now loves it.) The hardest thing to do by far, was to make that first appointment.
blueheron
17 years ago
LOL, Linda, that was a good one! I laughed out loud.
sjarz
17 years ago
Sjerin - thanks for asking. My DD has only recently (last few months) agreed that she has a disorder. Up until that time she thought we (the family) were all nuts and were picking on her -
now that she agrees there's a problem, it's going to be a long road to help - she needs to plan an outing for days and can't do anything spur of the moment. She actually did call to make a doctor's appt yesterday, but they were taking a day off, go figure.
I agree with you that therapy and talking or listening to others with the same issues would do wonders for her, but that's a long ways in the future for her, i'm afraid.
Suzan J

Who still has Adult children...............

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