No one here will be able to find my registry at BB&B, as I registered under Kevin's name, and I'm pretty sure that no one here knows our last name. I decided to change the party invitation to say "Open House", which I think is not the same as "House Warming", and certainly does not have the connotations of gifts. So it's simply an "open house" party to orient my friends to where we live now, and it will be very casual. I've been very sick for the past three days with the flu and did not go to work on Tuesday and Wednesday. I had to go in Thursday morning for a half day, but did not have the strength to go today. I had thought about canceling the party altogether, but Kevin had already invited friends from where he works. I had no idea that BB&B had a separate website for California!! It is a very popular store here, and we've already bought a lot of stuff there, including our new stainless steel garbage can for the kitchen. We had to get a nice one because it's in a prominent area of the kitchen and visible from both the living room and dining room. For those of you unable to attend, Kevin will create a video that he will post on YouTube. As for comparing the cost of a wedding to the cost of a housewarming party - what about the expense of just getting into the house? And it is my first house. Suzie, I hope you do have a nice housewarming party, and I was in the same situation as you - I didn't think of having the party until people asked me when I was going to have it. As you can probably tell, I like to be accommodating to my friends, although at first I really didn't want to have the party, since it will take quite a bit of effort to get everything ready in time. However, Kevin said his friends were really anxious to see the house, and so I agreed to have it. I won't cancel the registry, but will keep it very private and only share it with those who ask for it. Some people are gift challenged and appreciate getting help. I do feel better now that I have sent the invitations as I did for the Open House and no mention of a registry. It didn't seem right to me from the beginning, but I really have no experience with this, since I've never been invited to a housewarming party and don't know what is expected or not expected. That's why I had to ask. It didn't seem right to me either when I was told that I should register, but having had no experience, I had nothing else to go on than what my friends here had told me. I think I'm on track now - thanks for all the help! Lars

Congratulations! How nice for your mom and for you. Here's another vote for a nice party that isn't exactly a "shower." Your mom is not some kid needing all the basics because she is just setting up housekeeping for the first time, which is sort of what showers are usually all about. Besides, the guests are probably going to get her wedding gifts; for a later-in-life marriage, you don't as often see multiple gifts (engagement, shower, wedding), I guess for the reason above. Anyway, as her daughters, you are close relatives. Showers are usually given by a friend or a more distant relative, like an aunt or cousin. I'd just give a lovely, fun party, whether an afternoon tea, a cocktail party, a spa day, a lunch, a brunch -- whatever suits her style the best -- in honor of her forthcoming wedding. Are you planning on inviting only women? If so, it will have the "feel" of a shower or a bachelorette party without your calling it anything. The invitation can just say something like, "Please join us at for [tea/cocktails/whatever] in honor of our mother, Jane Doe, who will be married to John Groom on September 18, 2004. [Place/Date/Time/RSVP info]." People will probably bring gifts. But whether or not they do, you're not planning this as a way of getting gifts anyway -- you're making a really fun day at which your mom will feel special and her friends will have a ball. That's easier to do if you don't tie yourselves to shower/bachelorette party concepts. You and your sister are just terrific to do such a nice thing for your mom. Whatever you plan, it's going to be great! Have fun.

You sound like a smart, strong woman that is taking all the right steps toward becoming a stepmom. For me, I think the first thing I did prior to becoming a stepmom was realize that it was going to be HARD, but if I worked hard at doing the best that I could it would be worth it. One thing I told my SK's prior to marrying thier dad was that I expected them to treat me the way that I treated them, and that as I long as I respected them and I expected the same treatment from them, and it has worked so far. I try to remember that sometimes they need me to be a "mom" and sometimes they just need me to be a friend. DH and I have been married since December, he was 40 when we met had sole custody of his four children from a previous marriage, and I was 33 and had never-been-married single woman that traveled 70% of the time and had lived alone by choice for 13 years prior to making the commitment to marrying my husband. We dated for just over a year and also lived together for about 6 months prior to marrying so that all parties involved (including the kids) could adjust to the changes that were going to take place in all of our lives. It may not be the ideal situation for everyone, but it worked for us. I have an incredible relationship with my husband, and a great relationship with all of my stepkids as well, I love them and feel blessed to have them in my life. I believe that they truly love me and I received beautiful, heartfelt handmade cards from all of them for mothers day, it was truly incredible. We have HUGE ex-wife problems, but we handle them together and sometimes when necessary we handle them through the court system. One thing that I did when I met my husband was make sure that he understood that there was only room for ONE wife in our marriage (he was still doing a lot for his ex, when I first met him) and he respected that and made it clear to his ex that she was just that from that day forward. She doesn't always respect our wishes, but DH treats her like an ex and that is good enough for me. One thing that I would recommend is that you and your SO always present a united front to the kids, even if you disagree about the way something is being handled, have the disagreement in private and away from the kids. My SK's are great but there was a battle the beginning to see who would have the most "power" with their dad - them or me - and he was great about not giving it to them (or to me, for that matter) When we have a disagreement (the kids and I) DH listens to ALL sides and discusses everything with everyone, and we always seem to come to an agreement without to much of a blow-up. I also used to ask DH to tell so-and-so to pick up the bookbag on the table, put the socks in the hamper, but after a couple of months I just started asking them myself - once I started I just continued to do so. I still let DH handle the huge issues (things having to do with the kids bio-mom, etc.) but for the most part we share responsibilies equally. One thing we all did while prior to the marriage was go to couples and family counceling - an it made a huge difference for us. I learned that no matter how much the kids love me, when I married their dad it was going to be very traumatizing, and ruin the fantasy that every child of divorce has that mom and dad will get married again someday. I think it is one of the best things we could have done for our family. One thing I will warn you about is this - DH and I are having a baby in November, and it was very hard on my SK's at the beginning. The older kids got over it pretty quickly, and are now seem as thrilled as DH and I are, but our youngest (10 SD) was hysterical and distraught and even though she has known since Feb. she just this month has gotten excited about it and expressed happiness about it. We worked with her to help her through it, but it was hard on all of us. Good luck to you and I will keep you in my thoughts. Candy

Hey LouiseDawn, I can at least offer a silver lining of hope that I see in your situation. If SS is in college and SD is in grad school, there is at least some hope that they will be successful and eventually make enough money to finance their own lives. I also believe your situation will get better with time. I look back and I don't know how in the world I got through the last six years with my husband's family, but I did which is the important part. Having no prior experience at all in a step situation as step mother or step child, I was CLUELESS and felt guilt for the feelings of resentment I had and still sometimes have towards them and their father. I at least feel better to know that I am not this evil person for having these feelings anymore. That's a start. It seems that the biggest hurdles towards happiness in these situations most of the time are SDs for SMs. SSs seem to have a different relationship with their fathers that doesn't trigger that "drop everything and go be a hero" button in their fathers like SDs. I finally won the trust of my SD (I think) and she doesn't try to push my buttons anymore to create conflict. She had a bad experience before me with SM #1 so I have tried to take all that into consideration to cut her some slack and focus on the long term goal of all of us getting along. These days SD's biggest offense is using the guilt her father feels to manipulate him into openning the checkbook for her whims. All children manipulate, but steps have an easier time because they can use the guilt of their broken home life to loosen the purse strings. This has been the core of my own turmoil but has nothing to do with the purse at all. There is no reason for their father to feel guilt other than simply building a life with me, which hurts me because I have no regrets and his guilt feels like regret to me. BM left them all when the children were toddlers. There were 12 years between the time BM left and I met my husband so that breakup can't be put in my lap. He's paid for their tuition solely and provides for them to be more than comfortable. Why should he feel guilt? I FORCED him to discuss these feelings this week and it seems to be helping. He's finally recognizing that his guilt isn't all meritted here. Sometimes his children just didn't go to classes that we paid for and sometimes they told us stories that sounded good while they just did their own thing. They are in their 20's and should have some accountability in their lives. Other than walking them to class and doing their homework, I really don't see what else we could have done. He finally seems to also understand that my concerns aren't dollars and cents but the part we are playing in a pattern that insures failure in the future of our children, who just aren't prepared for the world. The biggest part of our job as parents is to prepare our children to become adults in this world (I think women get this where men don't. Men seem to want to be providers or heros.). If they aren't prepared, their growth is stunted and they lack confidence in themselves and their decisions in life. I am hoping that now he is getting past the guilt and focusing on helping to prepare them for the world (NOT dump them, just set boundaries and expectations that aren't forgotten later) we can work together to repair the damage. Is that such a terrible thing to be want for your children? I want that for my own bio son so how can that be a bad thing? I do not "know it all", but I feel like in your case, you should hang in there, support your husband and insist that you communicate on these issues together. Divided you fall, after all. Try to look at everything with honest objectivity. Yes, it is normal to have these feelings of resentment, but then take that knowledge and do something positive with it by feeling a new liberty to discuss it with your husband and grow from it. Understand that your stepkids also have their own feelings they aren't sure how to deal with. (I've found that it has helped me to read some of the few posts on here by stepkids, to understand their perspective.) We should look at what drew us to our husbands in the first place. What we loved about them from the start can't also be a reason to break us up now. In my own case, I had to offer him my trust that he would do the right thing for all of us. I just assumed he would go and make some terrible, crazy decision that would stunt all of our lives. I was asking him to trust me with his children, when I didn't trust him with his children. Again communication helps to work together. Hang in there, girl. I know you are hurting from the behavior of your stepkids right now and you are justified in that. Stepkids are notorious for behaving aggressively towards us at least in the beginning. Be the bigger person, gain their trust and when they have grown enough to hear you, explain your side to them and hear theirs. This takes time and doesn't happen overnight. My husband is a good man. He's worth the time and the strength it takes to get through it. His children are too.