My grandparents were very old when I was very young so didn't have much of a relationship with them. But There were no mean people in my family. I wanted to comment on being lonely in a care home. You need to look at another side of it. If I need a care home, barring a stroke I will put myself there when I can no longer care for myself. I am a loner by choice now and will be alone in a care home...BUT that does not mean "lonely". I am not a joiner will not join in activities such as crafts. I would attend if speakers were invited or if there were musicals. People will look at me and say "poor lonely old woman", what they won't know is that I will prefer to be a lone and I will not be lonely. The only thing I would need is someone I trust to see that I am cared for properly.

Look in the phone book, papers, contact medical center YMCA etc for grief support groups. There are many resourses avaiable. Many of these are quite resonable and or free. If you have other relatives this will help. Start a journal to write memories

...my participation here is more theoretical than specific to this situation, only because the topic of family secrets is so interesting to me. So what's to gain from sharing a family secret "like" this one here? Really, it's about the relationshp between father and daughter. A secret puts up walls due to the shame. So being able to say "I know your secret and I still love and accept you" is really really a powerfully healing thing to the person who holds the secret and potentially increases intimacy between two people. Also, the assumption that the secret holder has put it entirely in their past is often false. People hold on to shame for years and years, and often it nags daily, silently, and bleeds into areas that are not easily detected. Another way of seeing this, rather than simply "He's old, why bring it up now" is to say "He hasn't many years now, he deserves peace". OF course, we don't know in THIS situation what is best for him, so we cannot presume to say that he "should" or "shouldn't" be told. The other thing I know about humans is that we gravitate to status quo. It's familiar, it's comfortable, and the devil we know is more attractive than the devil we don't. To be fair, I choose to keep certain secrets too. I have one that I'll go to my deathbed with - however, I HAVE gone to therapy for it, and a bulk of the shame of it has been dealt with. Certainly makes life easier for me. Hopefully this dad has been able to do the same. However, if someone approached me lovingly with the information and asked me about it, I would likely be scared but relieved as well. It's just not my secret to tell, if that makes sense. Maybe dad feels some sense of loyalty to his mom.

Oh my. In my opinion, you need to speak to husband. He is making things harder than need be. Your husband being overly stubborn over the title 'grandma' is going to work against you, not in your favor. Husband can not stomp his foot and demand his grandchildren call you anything other than politely address you by your name. When and if the kiddies choose to call you 'grandma' they will do it on their own (and I don't think the adult children should object if the kids themselves choose to call you this title). Refusing to go to the party because DH could not sign the card 'grandpa and grandma'? Ouch. It really sounds like you are being very willing to work with everyone involved to make things comfortable and agreeable to everyone concerned....it's your husband that needs to stand back a bit and let things take a natural course. The kiddies may never call you grandma, but if they are receptive to you and respectful of you they very well may come to appreciate your role in their life. Just because you are not called 'grandma' does not mean you can't have a caring/loving relationship with the kids if they are willing. I think the important thing is the relationship itself and not what you or they call it. If they want to call you Grandpa and _______ , so be it. The important to me would be that a title does not get in the way of the actual actions and relationship. I would not be offended if I were called _______. I would be offended if Grandpa was called Grandpa and I was called 'hey you' and treated rudely. If I were not wanted to actually participate in the parties and family events or mistreated because I did so, then I'd have issues. Being called _______, I could be happy with. Afterall, bottomline, I not grandmother and should not demand a title they are not willing to share. My youngest daughter has no living biological grandfather. My mother's SO (22 yr relationship before he passed on)was 'Grandpa' to her. The gentleman helped full a otherwise empty role in her life. But no one made her address him as 'grandpa' and no one made him take on the role of 'grandpa'. It just happened. She crawled up on his lap one afternoon, hugged him and said 'I love you Grandpa'. We (mother and I) never called him anything but his first name to my daughter. She did it all by herself. The gentleman just totally beamed with joy when she took him by surprise by doing so. Mother and I kept our mouths shut and let them have their grandpa/grandchild relationship. No one tried to sway their relationship one way or the other. They chose it, they developed it, we (mother and I) stayed out of it. That's not to say though that my daughter does not know he was really not her biological grandfather. It does not mean she does not know about my father. I've shared many stories with her about my dad. So did her fill-in 'grandpa'. The gentleman was my father's first cousin and they (the two gentleman) grew up together. Perhaps your husband needs to quietly discuss things with his children. Kinda one by one he take them out to lunch and just open up to each other. He can't demand things that they are not comfortable with and he can't race things that sometimes just need to take time. An so too, dad needs to realize somethings might never happen. All he can do is expect respect. Both towards himself, towards you and towards your new life together. He also needs to let the adult children know that he is open to discussions with them when/if something arises that they are uncertain of and/or uncomfortable with. I actually suggest some of the attempt at open communication comes just between Dad and the adult children at least to start. I don't think the kids should be put on the spot by having to have a group family meeting (you included in it) where they might say something that would hurt feelings or not feel like they can openly speak ...I think the goal would be to get an understanding between the father and his children, know how each one of them feels, what they are and are not comfortable with. The adult children have to realize that Dad is moving on with his life, there are changes, just like the children need to move on with their life. Life is for the living. While we all have changes in our life and some changes are easier to cope with than others, we can't hold back the blows and hardships life tosses at us and all we can do is work towards making it through the ups and downs as a team aka family. You sound as if you could be a very positive addition to both dad and the adult step children's life. You just have to take it step by step, one day/event at a time and keep the communication lines flowing. First the first time in being a parent to Dad's children, he may have to learn to make father/child decisions on his own. Sure you and he can discuss issues together, he can ask for your advice, but in the end, Dad has to learn how to be a parent to his adult children on his own just as his children must learn to go on through life now without their mother. Your situation does not sound hopeless. It just kinda sounds like you all got thrown in these changes in all your life without a roadmap to help guide you through. Patience, time and a little empathy all around got my sister and I through the unexpected changes we faced. I wish you all the best.