MaryLu, I completely agree with your feelings about switching to the pellet stove vs continuing to burn the parlor stove. Here's why: I have both a Harman pellet stove (Accentra) and a Vermont Castings (Defiant Encore) wood stove. They are the ONLY sources of heat in our 160 yo, minimally uninsulated, farmhouse in northern NY. First: the pellet stove is much less work to fire and run. And it requires only a fraction of the cleaning necessary to keep your exhaust stack/chimney safe. Also produces almost insignificant amount of ashes over a whole winter. We burn 4 1/2 tons of pellets per year, and would hardly fill two large sheet rock mud buckets with ashes for the entire burning season. My woodstove produces enough ashes over the winter to fill a garbage can! Second: Although I am a very experienced wood burner with more than three decades of burning under my belt I worry a whole lot less about the pellet burner than I do the woodstove. Both stoves are correctly, and very safely installed (my DH and I are both former Vol. firefighters, so we are fire safety nuts). And even with a highly attended-to woodstove I have a low level of anxiety about it all the time. I never fuss about the pellet burner, though. Third: Fueling the pellet burner is a snap compared to a woodstove. My DH has back problems so I haul all the fuel (wood and pellet) into the house (4-5 tons of pellets, and 4 to 5 full cords of wood, every year) so I am very familiar with the physical effort required and the pellet burner wins, easily. Four: Your Harman stove will burn all day, or all night, with no need to add more fuel. You could go away for a very long Thanksgiving day visit and come back and find it's still putting out the same heat as when you left. The woodstove will have burnt down and need to be refired. Now, the only downside to a pellet burner vs a woodstove is that the pellet burner requires constant electricity to run. Ours is hooked up to a heavy duty uninterruptible power source (like for a large computer) so it will continue to operate for a short time in a power outage. Some people have big battery packs for extended use. And because it uses electricity, unlike a woodstove which heats by radiating, the pellet burner is effectively a "forced air" system so you have the downside of a continuous (or intermittent, depends on how you control it) stream of hot air, and the noise (though low) of the circulation fan and feed auger. Compared to the nearly silent operation of a woodstove, I find the pellet burner mildly more obtrusive. There is also the a small amount of fugitive dust from the pellets which is blown around by the circulation. The other thing about a pellet stove is that it is very convenient for the early and late season burning period when you need just a small amount, or a few hours of heat. We have been firing the pellet burner intermittently for about three weeks, but not kindled the woodstove, yet. The pellet burner is quick to heat, and simpler for small fires just to take the chill off. And one other note: the pellet burner has a much lower surface temperature compared to a woodstove, so I find it particularly comforting when I am chilled as I can safely snuggle right up to it, putting my hands on the top surface, for instance. It's kind of a rapid re-warmer, at least for me. And finally, although many people here seem to like the looks of the old parlor stove (I do, too), I find them messier and more problematic to burn than modern woodstoves or pellet stoves. If you, like I, get a substantial portion of your heat from the stove, it needs to be less of a decorative object and more a functional one because you have to fire it so often, with all the attendant smoke and mess that the old stoves create. Fortunately the Harman stove is also a handsome, though less late 19th century, style than the parlor stove. I think you will be happy (ier?) with the pellet stove. We have had the Accentra for two winters (starting on our third) and are much impressed by Harman's quality and unique technology. Ours, BTW, is installed with direct (from the outside) feed for the combustion air path so we are not pulling our heated air out of the building. I vote for the pellet burner! HTH, Molly

Cat, I'm sorry you're going through this. It sounds so similar to my SD's mom. A couple of years ago, they shared 50/50 and we came to an event during BM's time, she grabbed SD and kept her from talking to us because it was HER time. She says she gives SD her medication but she probably hasn't even filled the prescription because she won't spend the money on it... sounds SOOOO familiar. Fast forward to a year and a half ago, she met a guy and dumped both her girls after knowing this guy two weeks. She moved three hours away to be with him. She doesn't bother coming to school events... tonight was SD's play & no BM. SD tried to call her twice after and got her voice mail... no call back. She's going to be 10 next week & she is beginning to see what her mom is all about. It has been about her mom, not her. When a parent grabs the child to keep the child from seeing or talking to ANYONE else that the child cares about, the parent is hurting the child. The child will eventually see that it's more about mom wanting to be in charge/control and not about mom caring for the child. Kids will figure it out, even if it's when they become adults. Sometimes they side with the parent that does that because they feel sorry for or obligated but eventually, they will resent or even hate them for it. I've been dealing with it for almost five years now. It does not get easier. It has been hard for me to see a mom that was what I thought so involved.. she used to be at her school all the time, take her to activities, etc. and now she is hardly involved at all. One of the factors may be that we simply try our best to disengage from BM. We are not 100% successful and I come here to vent when it gets to be too much, but when we stopped fighting with her (and she does try to start spats all the time over trivial things as well as big issues), she backed off. I'm sure the boyfriend helped take her attention too, but I hang on to the belief that if she truly was the involved parent she first portrayed herself as... 'lovingly possessive' of her daughter, she would never have cut off her daughters at a time when they probably need her most. I wholeheartedly believe she is so self absorbed that her prior 'involvement' in her daughter's life was more about 'appearances' and making herself appear to be a great mom rather than genuine concern for her own kids. I don't doubt she loves her kids but she is so wrapped up in herself that her own happiness is more important than her kids. So I do understand what you are going through. I used to stay up late, wake up in the middle of the night and lose sleep over BM's antics and at times, it's put a strain on my marriage and it's a constant strain on my relationship with my SD. When I have to pay for fillings and BM doesn't make her brush teeth; When I have to take SD to the doctor and stay home with her because BM let her play outside with shorts in the freezing cold or let her eat nothing but junk or let her stay up all night or whatever else she does there; When I would try to fix things for SD because she counted on her mom but mom let her down... SD resents me, probably because she wants her mom to do the things she knows I will do but her mom won't. I resent BM for doing these things to her daughter and I feel I am forced to sit by watching SD suffer. The only thing that has helped is me letting go of the resentment I have for BM, which isn't easy at all. Like making a lame excuse for not coming to SD's play after she promised several times over the last few weeks that she'd be there. She told us nobody told her about it.... well, her daughter told her many times and heard her tell us she knew nothing about it. Sadly, SD pretended that she 'forgot' to tell her mom and repeatedly apologized to BM for not telling her.. then cried on the way home from BM's house. I guess my point is that there is nothing you can do about what BM does. She doesn't give meds... nobody can 'make' her, not even a Judge. She doesn't bathe him... nobody can 'make' her. The Judge can change custody. The Judge can put her in jail. She can be ordered to pay money or perform community service. But, nobody can 'make' her do anything. Jail is about the only thing they can 'make' her do... and it's usually a last resort. It makes me sick to think of kids being treated that way and the courts give crappy parents too many 'chances' in my opinion but hopefully.. the child eventually ends up in a better situation. Either the parent that doesn't really want to parent will get tired of playing the 'battle' game because the other parent won't play back... or the courts will intervene and put the child with the clearly better parent. Parenting gets harder, it doesn't get easier and the older a kid gets, the harder they are to control/manipulate and if the parent is only using the child to stay engaged in the battle with the other parent, then they will eventually go away when there is no longer a battle... it isn't 'fun' anymore. Without the battle, there is just the hard work of parenting the children. If a parent is focused on doing the hard work of parenting, they don't have time for games. You need to let it go, support your husband if he seeks custody and focus on having a better relationship with your stepson when he is with you. His mother may be trash but she is his mother and always will be. It already says a lot that his mom is right there and he asks you to do for him, not her. As angry as I get at BM, it makes it easier when I change perspectives and feel sorry for her. I was SO angry when she lied to say she can't make it tonight because nobody told her about the play. As I was sitting there watching her play, I thought 'BM is missing out on watching her daughter perform and I get to see it.'

"My exhusband was a good father who adored his children, who shared a strong belief in attachment parenting, and who worked hard but made it clear to his employer that this family came first. He rocked the babies, read bedtime stories, cooked, took them places like the grocery store to give them extra one-on-one time, went to all their school events" This would be YOUR opinion or idea of what a good father is. Someone else may think a father that was a good provider or good role model is just as good a father. Like I said, it's a matter of each person's opinion or expectation of what a good parent is. "Just wait until you get Alzheimer's and turn into a cranky, paranoid old woman who doesn't recognize her own grandchildren, and your children start to whine about how you have abandoned them and how your behavior at that time negates all of the good you have ever done in your life. Oh wait - Alzheimer's is a disease, and mental illness is - according to you - no more than a moral weakness." Perhaps someday I will have Alzheimer's but it doesn't run in our family, but I guess I might get it. I would hope that my kids are learning that in our family, we value family. They see me taking care of my step mom. They see me bathe her. They see me feed her through a feeding tube. They see me clean her trach so she can breathe. They see me administer her medication so she isn't suffering in pain. They see me clean her when she has a bowel movement. They see me bandage her sores and brush her teeth and cover her up so she doesn't get cold. Now the example that they get from me is that children take care of their parents when the parents need them. Hopefully they will learn from what they see me doing. They hopefully learned through my example that I set as they were growing up, that parents don't abandon their children. It might have been easier for me to dump them off with a grandparent all the time so I could have a life. I didn't run from relationship to relationship, having multiple men in their lives. (the oldest was 3 when I had the youngest and I was alone except the 7 years I lived with my exBF) I did everything to keep my family together as they were growing up. At times, it might have been easier to run away or let someone else raise them, but I was always there for them. So, if I were to get Alzheimer's or some other disease and need care, I don't think my children would feel that I've abandoned them. I can't say for sure, but they have had a mom that has struggled at times with depression and I've always been here for them and I guess if I chose to leave them instead of dealing with my depression, they might feel like I abandoned them and might think I'm a bad parent. I don't know because I never did that. (and btw, under your philosophy, my mom was an excellent mother when we were young, but that didn't stop her from the things she did. Just because she took good care of us as babies doesn't mean she's a good parent because she bailed on us anyways. Blame alcohol or depression, but she chose to do the things she did instead of getting help)

When we lived in town we got to meet everyone in a three block radius, giving them the mail we had erronelously received. Of course, they got to meet us while giving us our mail, too! We had mail delivered to our driveway, complete with tire marks; one who always delivered the mail slightly damp (he had a sweaty palm problem, to put it mildly); packages delivered to the wrong address and when we complained, "someone from the post office went and picked it up and we don't know where it is". When we confronted the Postmaster and the mail deliverer about the missing packages and mail delivered anywhere to anyone, the deliverer said, "Well, I'm just human" and the postmaster backed her up! Now we are on a rural delivery route, and the difference is amazing! When we moved in, Bobby, who delivers our mail, stopped and introduced himself and asked the names of the people living here so he wouldn't be delivering the previous owners mail to us. If he has a package he honks his horn, and if we don't come out, he puts it in the mailbox if it fits, and on the porch if it doesn't. He is definitely on my "cookies at Christmas" list!