How to prepare for the Christmas holidays - LOL!

12 years ago

Martha Stewart's Holiday Calendar

December 1 Blanch Thanksgiving turkey carcass. Spray paint gold, turn upside down and use as a sleigh to hold Christmas Cards.

December 2 Have Mormon Tabernacle Choir record outgoing Christmas message for answering machine.

December 3 Glue doilies to everything I own.

December 4 Repaint Sistine Chapel ceiling in Ecru with Mocha trim.

December 5 Get new eyeglasses. Grind lenses myself.

December 6 Fax family Christmas letter to Pulitzer committee for consideration.

December 7 Flog Gardener.

December 8 Have secretary file back copies of my magazine, "MARTHA STEWART's (I'm Better Than You At) LIVING"

December 9 Hand-dip candles so they flicker in time to recorded Christmas music.

December 10 Align carpets to adjust for curvature of Earth.

December 11 Lay Faberge egg.

December 12 Take dog apart. Disinfect. Reassemble.

December 13 Collect dentures. (Note to self: They make excellent pastry tools when creating decorative pie crusts.)

December 14 Install plumbing in gingerbread house.

December 15 Replace air in mini-van tires with Glade "Holiday Scents" to enhance experience in case of flat tire.

December 16 Organize spice rack by genus and phylum.

December 17 Build snowman in exact likeness of God.

December 18 Try to find someone who dares invite me for dinner.

December 19 Adjust legs of dining room table chairs so each dinner guest will be at same height.

December 20 Dip sheep and cows in egg whites and roll in confectioner's sugar to add festive sparkle to the pasture.

December 21 Drain city reservoir; refill with mulled cider, orange slices, and cinnamon sticks.

December 22 Float votive candles in toilet bowl.

December 23 Seed clouds for a white Christmas.

December 24 Do annual good deed...be seen engaged in last minute Christmas shopping to make people feel less inadequate than they really are.

December 25 Bear son. Swaddle. Lay in manger scented with homemade potpourri.

December 26 Disassemble life-size model of Gingerbread Coliseum.

December 27 Continue work on "Virtual Garden" project.

December 28 Save the Rainforest by noon.

December 29 Sew leaves back on maple tree in front yard.

December 30 Gild lilies.

New Year's Eve: Give staff their resolutions for the new year.

-- Anonymous, December 04, 2001

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Comments (3)

jannie
12 years ago
I love it. I remember one Thanksgiving, I was having my inlaws and one of their daughters over. I had my turkey in the oven. I then got out bottles of tomato juice and vodka and made myself a series of Bloody Marys as I continued getting food ready for serving. By the time they aqrrived, I was so sloshed I didn't care anymore that my MIL would perform an inspection on my housecleaning. That's how I prepare for holidays!
kayjones
Original Author
12 years ago
Good go, Jannie!
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kayjones
Original Author
12 years ago
Here's my FAVORITE Rum Cake:

Recipe For Christmas Rum Cake

Ingredients:

1 or 2 qts. of rum
1 cup butter
1/8 tsp. sugar
2 large eggs
1 cup dried fruit
baking powder
1 tsp. baking soda
lemon juice
brown sugar
nuts

Directions:

Before you start, sample the rum to check for quality.
Select a large mixing bowl, measuring cup, etc.

Check the rum again. It must be just right! To be sure the rum is of the highest quality, pour 1 level cup of rum into a glass and drink it as fast as you can. Repeat.

With an electric mixer, beat butter in large fluffy bowl. Add 1 seaspoon of thugar and beat again. Meanshile, it's important to make sure the rum is of the finest quality - try another cup.

Open the second quart of rum if necessary. Add 1 arge leggs, 2 cups of fried druits and beat till high.

If the druits get stuck in the beats, just pru it loose with a drewscriver. Sample the rum again for cinscistincy.

Next, sift 3 cups of salt and feffer (it really doesn't matter). Sample the wum again.

Sift 1 pint of lemon goose, add 1 bablespoon of brown thugar, of whatever color tou can find. Mix well.

Grease oven, turn cake pan to 350 greeds.

Noe, pour the whole mess sinto the boven and ake. Check the crum again and go to bed.

From: joeks.com

How to prepare for the Christmas holidays - LOL!

Comments (3)

jannie

kayjones
Original Author

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How to prepare for the Christmas holidays - LOL!

Comments (3)

jannie

kayjonesOriginal Author

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kayjonesOriginal Author

COMPANY

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CONNECT WITH US

kayjones
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