Your daughter sounds a lot like a friend of mine. Sounds like she is depressed and maybe just not able to really let go of what is on her mind. Does she have friends? I know I am not much help, but email me if you would like to talk.

Trin

it could be several problems..including depression to jet lag...i'd try an organic approach first...making sure she has certain foods, plenty of water to combat the fatigue of travel...giving her "space" to decompress...

if these don't work, then i'd gently suggest she see your family dr...just make her aware of your concern...

here's just one of several sites on how to deal with it...

Here is a link that might be useful: http://www.medicinenet.com/jet_lag/article.htm

Has the girl shown herself able at another time to build strong friendships, e.g. during school years?

When she spends those long periods away, is it at one or only a few locations, i.e. does she have an opportunity to build ongoing relationships with the same people at the distant place(s)?

Does the young woman feel concern about her situation? Seriously so, or only marginally so?

Do she and her sister get along well?

Is the sister substantially concerned about this/these issue(s)?

What ideas does the sister have to offer about the situation?

Do you have a connection with a doctor? Spiritual advisor? Does she? If so, is that person a skilled and empathetic listener? Skilled in assisting someone in evaluating and thinking through various aspects of his/her lifestyle, without being seen as intrusive? An effective facilitator of someone working through problems, a few steps at a time?

Good wishes as you seek to help this person improve her situation.

But ... please remember ... you can't live someone else's life for them. In the long run, it's every adult's responsibility to learn how to pick up his/her own marbles, in this life.

ole joyful

I have suggested that she go and see her doctor but she at this as a failure and I think because others in the family suffer from anxiety she doesn't want to admit that maybe she does too.

He sister has tried really hard to be her friend, has invited her over for dinner and to include her with her friends, but there again she just feels she is a looser that her older sister has to do this for her.

It is hard to watch her being in so much mental pain. But I can't do anymore than what I have done.

Until she can face her problems herself, there's not a lot you can do for her. There is still a social stigma about having a mental disorder and a lot of people won't admit it. My nephew is 17 and took himself to the doctor just this week because of depression! That really surprised me. Yet I'm so proud of him facing his problems head on. Depression is in my family, at one time I was the only one of my sisters who wasn't on medication for it.

Right now, all you can do is show her how much you love her, give her her space and make sure she knows there is help out there if and when she ever wants it. You may just want to let her know that she is making your home a place you don't want to live in when she's there, and that's not right. Does she live with you? If so, maybe suggest she get her own place.

Does she live with you? Maybe it's time she go out on her own. If she has a good job, she should be able to afford it. Have you tried talking with her? I would tell her how you feel. Strongly suggesting a Doctors visit.
Best of luck!
Judy

Who's DD is this? Classact's or Enjoyingspring's?

The only person that can make her happy is herself. Maybe you could encourage her to do some charity work over the holidays? Join a club or a forum like this one? Anything to get her mind off of whatever is bothering her and to meet new people.

Sorry about the confusion of names, I posted this on my husbands name by accident. We each have an account.

Yes, I have suggested charity work over the holidays, going to the gym to work out, but nothing interests her.

Yes, she lives with us only because with her job she basically lives out of a suitcase most of the time. She only comes home every few months for about a month at a time. Believe me it is a long month.

Honestly, years ago when I went to the doctor with depression he told me that something like one in five people suffer from it to some degree, so there's no shame in seeking help for what is essentially a chemical imbalance. Your DD would go to the doctor if she was diabetic, wouldn't she?
I do find that taking large doses of fish oil also helps, if I stop for any reason after a while the depression starts to creep back. Friends who have struggled with mild depression I have suggested fish oil capsules to and they have told me they are amazed at the improvement. So maybe in the short term your DD could try those.

Yes, I too have heard that fish oil is good for depression, I will try and make that suggestion to her. Thanks

You know, at 25 years of age this woman really should be standing on her own two feet and dealing with her own life.

You've done your job, and you deserve some peace in your lives.

I don't think there is anything more you can do but be supportive and firm, but not enabling. She can't continue to drop into your home every few months forever - she needs to start building her own life.

It's quite true she may be clinically depressed and require medical intervention, but you can't shove those pills down her throat. She needs to be ready to accept help, and she's not there yet.

I'm sorry if I sound harsh, but you can't help someone who doesn't acknowlege the need for help. And you could be simply prolonging her facing that reality. There's nothing to be gained by you being miserable as well.

As I said, be supportive, let her know she's loved, let her know you'll be there when and if she needs you, but in the meantime you have your lives to live and she has to learn to live with hers.

I know it's hard to stand by and watch, but I don't know that there's much more you can do. It's a sad and difficult situation, but nothing is to be gained by you going down with her.

I agree with Tally all the way.

It's time for her to be on her own.

Yes Tally, I know in my heart you are right, I am enabling her. I just hate watching her act like this when I know there is a simple solution. But, I just have to stand back for a while and see how things go.

Keep your fingers crossed for me.

She might be happier if she had a place of her own. She would probably feel better about herself if she was on her own. At 25 she doesn't need to make her problems your problem.
I hope she gets the help she needs and builds a life for herself.

You say she is acting like this when she's staying at your house, where she stays infrequenty, every few months.

Does she keep in touch when she's not with you? Or do you call her? how often? If so...is she angry and not sociable on the phone?

If she is just like this when she's at your house...she may feel smothered at home, and needs to rent her own place for when she's between trips.

Actually she is not good at keeping in touch when she is away working, I usually e-mail her and then she responds (if I am lucky). I agree, I am sure she does feel smothered by me, I know I do that.

I am always giving my advice, most likely advice she does not want, but it is hard to stand by and not say anything.

I will try harder.

My daughter was overly sensitive and anxious for years. Finally at age 30, she began seeing a counselor, got a new job and seems much happier. What you need to do is reassure her that you love her and want her to be happy and encourage her to see a counselor and perhaps her doctor for possible medication. Maybe it will sink it at some point. You might also try having her sister talk with her.

I am puzzled why you write "I just have to stand back for a while and see how things go." What I understood from your original post is that you and your husband are wanting a change from the status quo - that you want a peaceful household. If that is the case, why are you going to do nothing?
I completely agree with Tally.
I'm pretty sure that doing nothing is sending the message that her bad behavior is accepted and tolerated.

I'm trying to figure out what is the bad behavior?

Her mother said she is always giving advice, and the 25 year old daughter then gets angry. Otherwise, she rarely speaks to them when she is staying at their house.

I agree with others that she should be allowed to live her own life, without parental interference. She needs her own space.

She needs a different job. This is a medical and quality of life issue. DD had a friend who travelled like this for her job. She was on the move every day or two or three. So she moved back home rather than pay $1000 or so rent for a place she did not sleep. But she had no social or love life. I think the solution is to change job to an employer who keeps her in one location. She can get a place of her own and have friends.

She's 25. I'm not sure we can even begin to understand the pressures on a woman in her mid to late 20's in 2008. Pressure to have a solid relationship, pressure to still be having fun like she did in college, pressure to be wonderfully successful in her career, pressure to always look good because that's what our culture expects; it just goes on and on. I work with a few women in their 20's and they can be delightfully fun one minute and crying the next. And it's almost daily! They are smart and professional - and emotional basket cases. Any advice I could give them would be 30 years past it's relevance so I never do it unless they specifically ask about a work situation. They don't want it from me and they certainly don't want it from their mothers. They all (yes, all) tell me they feel like failures compared to their mothers! They see Mom as someone who has a long term relationship (usually), successfully raised kids, and has enough money to live comfortably. They don't have any of that (yet). Plus, they are exhausted all the time, especially the ones who travel like your daughter.

Try to just love her without judging or advising (or hovering). For you, those things equate to love, but to her it probably doesn't feel like that at all. When she shows up at your house she's probably already decided that her life isn't measuring up to what you expect, that you are going to say something about it and that she'll end up feeling terrible. She's already gotten to that emotional place before you say anything!

The next time you want to tell her to cheer up, or get professional help, instead tell her that you know she's smart and creative and that you know she'll work it out. You can even admit to her that you would like to be her friend, but you're not sure how to stop being a mother all the time! I bet it will make her laugh and help her to understand where you are coming from when you do slip and start to hover. :~))

Monica - IMHO, not speaking to people whom are allowing you to live in their home is bad behavior. I agree with others who think she may profit from professional help, but I still don't think Mom & Dad should be treated that way.

Deep down she may be really unhappy with her job and not know how to get out of it or another job. Besides getting medically checked out, maybe talking to a job counselor would help.

I feel as bad for you as I do your DD. My 16 y/o DD just started anti anxiety meds last month. She has some trouble with them making her feel sick but she is doing somewhat better.

Don't you think with the chance she suffers from anxiety and depression that her type of work is too much on her?

Sorry, I really don't have any advice. At her age you can't force the issue and of course she isn't willing to listen. Sometimes things have to get really bad before someone gets the help they need. That's what happened in our case.

Just wanted to say I understand what you're going through. And it's got to be harder with her being an adult.

Yes, I think her job plays a big part of her anxiety, wish she would change careers, but, she likes the "big bucks". I am afraid it will come down to her health or job in the future.

It is more difficult when dealing with an adult, when they are teenagers you still have a certain amount of control.