I think people are more likely to regret that decision than the decision to have a child. They might change their minds when they're older. Hopefully, it won't be too late.

I also think some people are not cut out to be parents, and there are others who couldn't have children for whatever reason, and manage to make good lives for themselves.

As for me, I'm so grateful I was eventually able to have kids. Sometimes I wish I'd been able to have more.

Nobody should be pressured to have children just because their parents want to be grandparents. That said, I'm very grateful I was able to have the one child I did.

I can see why she'd be disappointed, but by having only one child, it certainly limited her chances.

I never wanted children, I wanted pets. I don't think I would have been the best mother because I never yearned for any and I'm not really interested in kids' activities and I think I made the right choice. My parents are cool with it, too, and aren't depending on grandchildren to complete their lives. Just the opposite, really, in my mother's case. They have 2 grands from one of my brothers, but she never bonded with them at all. Maybe because they lived abroad so much, but she even says if she had it to do over, kids (her 3) would not be on her agenda. And I don't blame her. Raising kids is hard and not everyone is cut out for it.

I don't know if she'll regret it. She really won't know what she's missing. I never planned on having children and if I had never had them, I think I would have been perfectly okay with it. Of course, once I had a child, I regretted not having one earlier so I could have had more of them. I was never a kid person until I had my own.

I think it's none of my business if somebody doesn't want to have kids.

I never had any desire to have children and I don't think anyone should be pressured to have children and it's none of anyone's business....not even parents who want to be grandparents!!!!!

I only have one child. I married at 19 and put off having children for many reasons. I caught so much flak for not having children. Got really fed up with how many people who berated me, called me selfish, etc., etc. Most of them were not exactly what I would call good parents. So, I was childless by choice for 15 years and then I got pregnant by accident at 33. I had not taken any permanent steps to not have children, like having my tubes tied or husband getting a vasectomy, because I wanted to have the option.

Anyway, I think I was an excellent mother. I was older, more settled, had had a chance to really think about how I would raise a child.

My daughter is 28 tomorrow. She said she doesn't have any plans to have children. I support her decision 100%. I think if she changes her mind later on and does have a child, she will make an excellent mother because she is very caring and conscientious.

I was raised alone...my brothers and sister were so much older than me and were gone from home by the time I was old enough to notice. I have always had my own interests and always busy doing something. I never babysat or was around
babies or small children until my daughter was born. To tell the truth, like Flamey said, I had no interest in children.

I can truly say I loved being a mother and my daughter was so much fun. I think about how sweet little children are and I think I would make a wonderful grandmother. I have so many things that I shared with my daughter, that I would love sharing with another little child.

However, if she chooses not to have a baby...that is okay with me. It is her life and I support whatever she does. She may change her mind. I can't see her having more than one child. I am not sorry that I just had one. I still got flak for doing that, but I grew up enough to tell people to take a "running jump and...."

I know several people who have chosen not to have children and almost without an exception, I believe they would have made better parents than many of the people I know who did have children. At least they gave it a conscious thought and didn't just have them willy nilly.

I think it's her choice and everyone else should stay out of it.

How old is the daughter? I didn't have a child till I was 32 and have known friends that waited till they were in their 40's. So she could change her mind later if she is young.

But I think it is her decision and her mother shouldn't be pressuring her to have a child just so she has a grandchild. She could have valid reasons for not wanting a child, that her mother doesn't know about. And she may resent the child if she has it just to please her mother. I would hate for a child to grow up being resented.
Clare

Marilyn, your relatuonship with your daughter sounds like mine with my oldest son. Only I was young when I had him and then 17 & 19 years later I had my other 2 sons.

I think it's a personal decision and if someone doesn't want children I think that is fine and no one else's business. A mother shouldn't put pressure for a grandchild.

I don't think it's selfish at all to choose not to have children. That's a mature choice, to recognize it's not what you want and so not do it. Motherhood shouldn't be seen as the natural order of a woman's life if she doesn't want it to be.

If this woman who wants a grandchild has things she wants to share and teach to a young child, she can find a way to bring that into her life without her daughter taking on unwanted responsibilities. Then everyone wins.

Even though I have 4 kids, I would never try to pursuade someone who doesn't want children to have them. Motherhood isn't for everyone. A jet setting business career is not for everyone. Beautiful thing that we have choices. I would, though, caution a young woman who says she wants 4! LOL.

I feel that it is the daughter's decision ONLY and her mom should keep her opinions to herself. If she wants to be around little children, she can do as many of us have done and enjoy the children in the neighborhood or volunteer at schools, crisis centers, etc. Bettye/AZ

For her Mother to be critical of the decisions shows the kind of Mother she was...I think a woman or couple should do what they think is best for themselves. As far as I am concerned the Mother should back off and support any decision the daughter makes.

I have a Granddaughter that had a baby and graduated from college in May with very high grades. She is a single Mother because she/they chose not to marry. They got pregnant in a loving and caring relationship but not one where they were totally committed to living the rest of their lives together. We are all totally supportive of their decision...Why should some one be stuck with children or husbands or any relative because a family member is going to be disappointed. I'd say tell the Mother to butt out.

PS...DGD is in her first appartment, a brand new job in charge of payroll and taxes for a large company and enrolled in college already chasing her Master's Degree.

I never had the desire to have children, and at 28 I was advised not to have them because of my uncontrolled hypertension. My mom and I joked years later that my decision was a good one....entirely too high strung, especially when it came to my sister's daughters!

In fact, I did not marry until I was 49, so I'm still a newly-wed, who is frankly considered a wonderful aunt and stepmom!

Based on what I've seen in the world, many people should NEVER have children.

Main Man's oldest DS and DIL have chosen not to have children. They both have careers and travel several days a week. They have one Dog who has a sitter and they feel guilty when they have to leave him behind.

My DD and SIL have chosen not to have children as well. They both teach school and feel they get their "kid fix" at school. Plus they have Nieces and Nephews they can send home. They enjoy their "summer vacation" without ties.

Gayle

It is their decision not the hopeful grandparents

The "mothering" instinct can manifest itself in many ways, not only by being the mother of your own child.

I decided early in life that I didn't want children. I didn't have the desire and in the 1960's it seemed evident to me that women with children lead a very different life from women without children. I was lucky to find a true love who was good with my decision. We've been married 32 years and I'm 55 years old. I have never regretted my decision, although I expected there would be times of regret. There weren't.

We've been active in the lives of our nephews, nieces and the children of our friends, including 2 godchildren.

Haven't we fought a long time to be able to have some control over our lives? If other women won't respect our decisions than how can we expect men to? No one can possibly know all the factors that go into such a serious decision as not having children. For someone to pressure a woman into feeling guilt over her decision or to tell them they will later regret it, is simply wrong.

Frankly, if more people were thoughtful about their desire to be a parent prior to becoming pregnant, the world would be a better place.

I always said I would make a great grandmother, so I do want grandkids.
If my kids told me they didn't want any children I would support them in their decision, silently sad. THEN I would find a couple of grandkids who's "real" grandparents lived to far away to visit very often. With the parents approval, I could be someones grandma anyway.

ok im going out on a limb here. ive flip flopped for years about having children of my own, been married 3 times, adored my step kids, but i figured if i was flip flopping like that i wasnt ready to be a parent, thats a lifetime commitment. why would someone want to have someone else bring more children into the world when theres already way more than most people can take care of. look at todays economy, we can barely take care of ourselves. so i vote that its up to the individual/partner and its none of her business. sorry that sounds harsh, but it seems like people who choose not to have kids are doing so for a reason. just my 2 cents

I almost didn't have children. I spent my twenties and thirties in and out of love affairs. I was depressed most of the time. I didn't think I'd make a good mother. I finally married a great guy, he convinced me I could do anything, and I had my two daughters when I was age 35 and 36. I try not to judge other people. If a person doesn't want kids, leave them alone.

I don't think I would have regretted not having grandchildren near as much as I would have regretted not having children.

All my life I knew I wanted to grow up (haven't accomplished that very well yet...I'm still working on it.."S")get married and have a family.

I had three...but now I wish I would have had more...

Maybe your friend could babysit and get close to a young couple who do not live close to grandma....I'll bet they would be very happy to have someone to leave the child with once in awhile so they could have a night out together...

Although we never left our kids with ANYONE...except my older cousin Dorothy when we had to go to a funeral.

patti

do my dh & i regret not having children, dh is 38 & i am 41? HECK NO!!!!! never ever in my life have i ever wanted chldren, only pets & my dh feels the same. i would not have even dated him if his views did not agree w/ mine. i have always wanted my freedom & to have plenty of money to waste as i choose, kids to me take away both. my parents knew better than to even think they'd get g-kids from me and honestly i was raised in a family that upholds your academic credentials, earnings, job and possessions over anything else in life. if you had to sacrifice any of those to have kids you would definitely avoid holiday gatherings w/ the family LOL. my sis does have a 3 yr old set of twins, she is one of two in that generation to have children. she & her DH have 2 ph'ds, 2-MBA's, 2-master & BS degrees each & he is a head pharmacetical researcher for Roche pharm. my sis doesn't work since the twins came and has not had to scale back their lifestyle at all by doing so. the cousin w/ a 9 yr old daughter owns a stable full of show horses for her to travel around the country w/ going to dressage and steeplechase horse shows. to me if this is how you can have kids then great but if not then i can definitely see why there are more unhappy families than unhappy childless couples who chose that fate lol.

i also don't buy into the b.s. of children to take care of you when you are old, i can afford to pay good money for better care than any family member could provide. not to mention who in their right mind would anticipate & plan ahead to be such a burden to someone you shoud love? plan ahead w/ money, save your family ties and give someone who actually wants to do that kind of work & accels at it a job.

BTW geneticists consider it a higher form of evolution to choose to not have children. ~ liz a major THINKER (two healthy incomes no kids early retirement)

I'd support my daughter's decision. It's her's to make and not mine to question and I'd never voice a differing opinion. No matter how much I'd love to have and cherish a sweet grandbaby.

I am one that wishes I had followed my dream and did not have a child.
I gave up too much- my goals, my dreams, which did not have room for a child. now I am too old to do what I wanted, and I have a spoiled, self centered 34 y/o child that nothing you do for her is enough.
If this girl does not want any children, nobody should put her in an awkward position to do so.
It is her life, not her mother's. Let her live her own life. Being a mother is not for everyone.

I find that society stresses on having children and its hard when you can't have them don't want them and just don't have any children.

Its up to each and every individual to make that decision and for no one including parents to pressure them.

Accept no matter how hard it is.

I see so many have children and go why did have them as they are living a life as a single person, not a parent, they don't want to be with them be around them.

So, don't pressure, accept that person deciding there will not be a child in our/my life/lives.

I have no children. I never had the maternal instinct. I don't enjoy children. I have no regrets whatsoever.

I agree with most of the above posters - Potential Grandma should just butt the heck out.

People who really don't wish to be parents should make that choice on their own with no parents pressuring them.

I find that parents who desperately want grandchildren from their adult children are usually being selfish. THEY want something - grandchildren - which they do not have to provide and care for. Totally selfish.

I am 54. My girls will be 34 and 32 before this year is up. So far, neither has a child.

I was perfectly happy about it, but I also jumped at the chance, to be a "practice" grandma for the little girl of a friend of mine. Both hers, and her husbands parents live in Germany, but the baby and parents live near Tulsa.

Now things are changing, and I will be a grandma in May.

I am very happy for my daughter (the younger one) because her, and her husband really want this baby.

But, if they hadn't, I think I would be fine too.

Grandma's are special, but some woman are happy not being one.

Moms are VERY special, but again, some woman are happy not being one.

To each, whatever works for them.

Moni

I never regretted having children. In fact, there have been times when I've been downright grateful I don't have kids.

I find it sad that some women stake their life's happiness on their children's procreation.

To expect your children will provide you with grandchildren is completely selfish. It's not all about you, so find something in your own life that will fulfill.

I would be interested in hearing back from the original poster. You seemed certain the woman would regret her decision. Have all these posts given you a little different perspective or do you still feel the same? Just curious.

Kate

I have never wanted children and the older I get the happier I am that I didn't have any. My dear Grandma was concerned when I hit a childless-25. She said I would regret it in my later years. It's the only advice she gave that wasn't "right" for me.

I was "broody" for a few weeks in my early 30s. I was single, in the military, stationed in Spain far away from family and long-term friends. I didn't have a particular boyfriend and was more interested going out and having a good time than having a "relationship". I didn't think I'd ever remarry, and I thought, "Why not have a baby? Time is ticking."

Being the long-range planner I am, I checked out the day care on base; I talked to other single active-duty moms; I talked to the legal office about the guardianship forms all military parents must have in place.

I went to the commissary and checked out the prices of diapers, formula, baby food, etc. I priced all the car seats and bouncy-things.

I thought "Why would I have a child and then pay someone else to raise it 10-12 hours a day, along with longer time periods when we had exercises or deployments?" What would I tell this precious little child when he asked, "But where's my daddy?"

Also, I loved my single lifestyle. I could go out with a different guy every night of the week. I could leave for long weekend trips at the drop of a hat. I could have guys over to the apartment for dinner. I could not and would not live this lifestyle if I had a child; I'd be a "mom," and "moms" (in my opinion) are held to a much higher standard. They have an example to set; the health, happiness, mental, and moral development of their children depend on it. I wasn't ready for that.

Monday morning found me at the clinic; getting a refilled on birth control pills. Broodiness over.

I did marry at 36; DH was 30 and he was as certain as I that he didn't want children. We discussed this before marriage and have never regretted it.

I LOVE kids; I'm the "fun" auntie. I have 12 nieces and nephews, and now "greats." I love every one of them. My neice spent many summers with me, and my oldest nephew lived with me for five years. I'm still glad I'm not a mom.

My mom is perfectly accepting of my no-kid status. His mom complains, in a veiled way, on occassion. I've told her I'm sincerely sorry she's not a grandmother, but it's not going to happen.

I know I'm weird. I know most women long to have children. I've never felt that. The slight twinge I experienced was more of a "well, I'm 32; I should have a child."

I am one that has always known that I wanted kids. I recently found some Christmas letters from when I was 4 and in them my mom was talking about how I am always helping and mothering my little sisters. I am the oldest of 6 and in high school did a lot of the cooking an taking care of siblings. I went to college and became an elementary teacher. I love being a mama. I know some who don't want to be parents and some that shouldn't have become parents. I think it is up to everyone. My 2 ds's that are married have 3 kids and the other is pregnant with twins, and my youngest brother has a little boy. I have 2 siblings that aren't married yet but wonder if they will have kids. I guess in my case I identify myself as a mama, but it was something that I always wanted to do. Sure money is tight since I stay home, we don't have the freedom to go and do what we want, but the smile of the little ones it makes my life perfect.

Stacie
girlsingardens

I remember the first words out of my ex mother-in-law's mouth the day after our wedding - Is she pregnant? What??!!! None of your business.

I wanted to wait and make sure the marriage wasn't going to turn out like so many of my friends had - divorce. Every one of them had children and it was really hard on all concerned. Plus, I had doubts about being a father.

Turns out it was a good thing I waited as we were divorced 5 years after we were married. I was a career military man and she couldn't adjust to being a military wife and the traveling involved and being away from mommy. She wanted a white picket fence near mommy with a dozen kids.

Why she ever married me knowing that is beyond me. We had discussed marriage and kids, before we took the plunge and she knew I wanted to wait at least 3 years.

I firmly believe that not everyone is meant to be a parent. I'm glad I didn't have any kids and don't worry about my old age. I'm a volunteer in an assisted living facility, and I can't begin to tell you have many families drop off mom or dad and visit infrequently, if at all.

Some people are just not cut out to be parents. I feel as if DH and I have done a poor job in the parenting department, not from lack of trying, but we don't have the skills it takes to be -good- parents. Of our 3 children, we've had 2 of them give us big problems. It falls back to bad parenting I think. Although at times we feel like we're doing the right thing, it turns out not to be, therefore problems continue.

We aren't very good grandparents, either. I'm not just down on ourselves, it's the truth. DH has issues stemming from his childhood that impairs his abilities, and I'm much too softhearted and try to "help", often enabling.

I'm sure that couple is making decisions they feel are best for them.

What an interesting thread. It's all about "choice" isn't it?

I was never taken by babies growing up and I babysat older kids for a short time just to earn my .50cents an hour. I didn't really care if I had kids or not but I married a man 8 years older than me and he wanted children right away. I had my son at 22, my daughter 5 years later. Being a mother of a baby was "okay" but I really loved it when they were a bit older and started learning and we could actually communicate with each other.

I have survived the loss of my son when he was 28 and had not experienced marriage or children. I celebrated when my daughter gave birth of my first grandchild just 9 months ago. My daughter was 34 when she had her first child and 31 when she got married for the first time. I can't tell you how much I love this "baby". It's has if I never experienced having baby before! I think I was so worried about protecting my kids, and doing the right thing with them that I forgot to enjoy them when they were young. I tell you I could just sit and watch Andre' for hours...it's so much fun to see him learn and explore the world at such a young age.

As I look back I remember my daughter saying she didn't want children either. I think she was in her late 20's. I thought that whatever she decided was fine with me. Then she met the right man, and together they decided to have a baby. She says he might be the only one they have and I that will be their choice...not mine. I am fine with whatever she and her husband decide.

After all it is their "choice" isn't it?

~Susan

I admire your friend's child for already knowing how she wants to live her life.

If I'd given myself a chance to mature, I don't think I would've married or had children. I would've been a career woman, and hopefully, would've known enough of myself and life to make better choices.

Why do people with kids think that seeing people without any is such a tragedy? On the contrary, we are very happy!

I think it's a personal choice. I doubt if my children will ever have children but it's not a major thing to me to be a grandmother so I'm fine with their choices.

I am the original poster. I never said my friend tried to encourage her daughter to have children, I just said she was upset about it.

I personally was interested why people choose not to have children.

I can understand her being upset, but if the girl is still young, she certainly may change her mind. I have a young friend who said the same thing. She now has a little boy (as she chose to get pregnant) a year old and wants more. Life is full of surprises.
Lulie Cosby

Why do some people think that everyone has to have children?
Just because you like being a parent doesn't mean that everyone has to like it too...or feel any lack.

I never missed having children, and still don't.

I like children...just never felt a need to live with them.

I prefer dogs...why?
You can cage a dog without going to jail
Kibble and water are cheaper than diapers and formula
Dogs don't grow out of their shoes every two months
Dogs don't ask why, dogs don't ask why, dogs don't ask why

My son has 2 children and my DD has none. She and her husband are great with kids and love their nieces and nephews a lot but are very happy not having any of their own. It's a personal choice and no one else's business. Do I think she might regret it - yes, but it's her decision

I'm 52 and knew at a very young age that I didn't want children.
All the time I was a youngster, I wanted to be a teacher.....love books, paper, writing, etc. But when I realized I didn't really like kids all that much, I changed my mind on being a teacher. (thank heavens).
I never played with dolls, would rather play with my brother's farm toys. I didn't babysit as a teenager.

When I got married I got my tubes tied at 22. It was VERY difficult finding a doctor who would do that 30years ago, when I didn't have any kids. That was the very best decision I ever made.
My mom and brother knew that I'm not mother-material and they are supportive and are probably glad! lol

Now animals.....I would do anything for an animal, and have always had cats in my life, and have successfully raised abandoned baby squirrels.

Sherry

I knew that I would never feel that my life was complete unless I had children of my own. That being said, I can sure understand people who do not have that desire, for whatever reason! Not everyone in the world is cut out to be a parent - whether it's a desire to travel, a career choice, family history, health issues, or simply a knowledge that parenthood is simply not for THEM.

I think there's less pressure on young people today to have children than there used to be and it's probably a good thing.

I would have been disappointed in not having grandchildren. My DS has children, my DSD has children, but my DD does not. To me that's her and her DH's decision, not mine to make. I can understand your friend's disappointment. It's easier to accept their wishes if they're not an only child!! LOL

I should probably NOT have had a child, but in the early '60's that's what one did. Get married, have a kid, and live happily ever after. NOT! Many mistakes were made raising my son alone, but happily he has turned out to be a quite well-adjusted man who owns his own business and does well at it. He recently told me "you did a good job raising your son." He has been married for 25+ years, and has raised a wonderfully self-sufficient daughter (recently married to a nice young man whom I don't know that well) and a precocious 7-year old boy who will be a dynamo in whatever field he chooses. I'm certainly not sorry I have a child, in fact I'm grateful. My GD and I have been linked like you wouldn't believe ever since her mother first put her in my arms at a few weeks old! I can't describe the emotion!

My younger brother and his wife decided early on not to have children. That was the choice appropriate to them, and most importantly, it was THEIR CHOICE. I don't know if they regret it or not, we don't talk about it. I know they have enjoyed a great many experiences which would have been curtailed, if not eliminated, if there were kids involved. They too, have their own business and run it very successfully.

To have children or not? This is a question which must be discussed, and discussed again, and again, as couples grow together. And always, it is THEIR CHOICE.

My soapbox speech is done. Not sure if any of this is even to the point anymore.

I always knew I wanted to have kids. I would have regretted if I never did. But it's HARD, HARD and HARD. Much harder then I ever realized-so now I know that some people aren't cut out for it. If you can make that decision and not regret it later on, I applaude you for making such a mature choice. I do daydream about what we'd be doing if we didn't have kids. I think the main thing is you'd be CAREFREE. I envy that sometimes, but seeing my baby smile is pretty great!

If people don't want kids, then I don't want them to have them. If I could be queen of the world for a day, I'd offer free birth control to anyone who wanted it!

If my girls grow up and don't have kids, I'd be disappointed (grandkids are all the fun without the work!) but it's their decision to make and live with.