You aren't being uncharitable at all. Being a friend means that sometimes you have to be tough so that a person gets the proper care needed. Sometimes it is better for a person to lose their independence and safety of their own home so that they can get the health care that is needed. It sounds like your friend really needs some nursing support at least until she is stronger.

Take a DEEP breath, in/out/in etc. Oh yes, breathe. You are doing the best you can and like said you can only do so much. You are right to protect yourself. Hang in there it will get better. Be firm and take care.
Marie

Not uncharitable at all! Tough love is much more difficult to give than giving in. Sounds like she wants more attention and less helping herself. They probably told her she has to get up and do this and she doesn't want to hear it, much less do it, especially if she gets what she wants at home. Plus this way she's probably getting some craved attention perhaps? Kids are gone and nice to have someone wait on you, cook for you and feel sorry for you.

I fully understand how anyone would prefer to be at home. You're going to be more comfortable there. But sometimes you have to earn the privilege of staying at home. Don't feel bad Dotmom! You're doing the right thing. And often that's tougher than doing the wrong thing.

If she gets too weak from refusing to do what she needs to do she won't be able to move at all, use the bathroom by herself or anything. You can't support her in those needs. She needs to step up a bit. You've done more than your share, I believe.

Stick to your guns sweetie!

It could very well be that she is afraid of never being able to leave and go back home alone. My grandparents put themselves through hell for that very reason. A neighbor called my parents and they went to California to take care of them for 2 years. One died in a nursing home, the other at home.

And now, my mother is also difficult and demanding and refusing help that she is desperately needing.

Dot, you are a very nice helping person. You helped. Now, you know the situation is different, just go with it. Don't fret about it. Let go.

You should not have any regrets.

Moni

Moonie has a good point. The fear of losing independence is strong in many if not all of us. Similar to when a person has to quit driving there's the "loss of independence" felt. It's more of a phobia actually, but if she realizes that she probably could be on her own a bit more if she does what she needs to do, it could help. Sounds like she might need to look at an assisted living situation and if that's the case she should look at moving in there before she gets worse, because they don't let you in unless you can do certain basic things for yourself. At least around here that's the way it is.

In a way it's too bad some can't see what some of the good nursing homes are like today. They're not the plain, tiled, hospital-like operations of yesteryear. I've seen some that I wouldn't mind moving into right now! Same with the assisted living places.

Dotmom, you did the best you could. As your friend negotiates the nursing center, they will honestly evaluate her and her ability to care for herself and live on her own. . She may be sent home with visiting care, or her family may come to a different decision. I wish I had a friend like you. Wait, we are friends here on KT. God Bless You for caring about her and letting us know how this unfolds.

I stopped in to see Dee this morning and she had a call into her Dr. She would like to go into a care center in a town 10 miles from here. If they can't take her, she might settle for our local one. I'm keeping my fingers crossed. I want her to get hte professional help with the right therapy to get her legs strong enough to walk again. She'll always need a rolling walker but she used to get around quite well, before.

Don't feel bad. You can't help everyone especially when they won't help themselves. There is only so much you can do.

What about her kids? Are they not involved with her at all?

I don't know the story about Dee's kids. The son is OTR trucker and his job might be in jeopardy if he takes much time off. I can understand that, He does come over on his day off and grocery shopped for her. Dee mentioned that she doesn't talk to he daughter hardly at all, they may be estranged. (sp>) I did go to our local American Legion where they lend medical care devices and borrowed a wheel chair, so she can use it for transport and to use as a walker in the hall. As of late this aft, noon, she hadn't heard back about a place in the care center. Sometimes these 'wheels' turn slowly. Still keeping my fingers crossed that she gets in.

She might have trouble getting Medicare to pay for a care home. If you go straight from hospital discharge (after a 3 day-stay), Medicare will pay for three weeks of care/rehab. But you can't go to a nursing home straight from home, I don't think.

She may have a real problem getting around this one.

Shusipup....that is what I'm afraid of. If she had gone straight from the Hosp. when it was offered, but now that she has been home since Friday, and now changed her mind, she might not be eligible to go now. I'm truly hoping she hears from the social worker today. By the way, I had to cut my visit to her short yesterday because of her attitude and complaining about why it was taking so long. I wanted to tell her this whole fiasco was her stubborn makings. Sigh****the saga continues.

Again, Dotmom, bless you for your interest in helping this lady.

Dotmom, you have done what you could to help this lady. Sometimes we just have to walk away like you did yesterday and I can certainly understand that. She should have gone directly from the hospital. I doubt that Medicare will cover it three or four days after she was discharged. God bless you for trying to help!

I would guess it's going to depend on who makes the decision on it. Possibly a doctor's input would help, IDK. But Dotmom, I wouldn't have a problem with telling her exactly what you said. Sometimes people need a slap upside their head to start realizing that they don't call all the shots. And sounds like she needs to hear it. You and your neighbors are so great for helping out, none of you needs to put up with abuse. Sounds more and more like she's a bit "spoiled" and gets her way all the time. Hard to change at that age, but that doesn't mean some reality checks aren't in order.

Try not to take it personally either. She's probably scared and nervous and lashing out a bit is her way. Hopefully, deep down she appreciates what all of you are doing for her.

Good luck and hang in there! :) Keep Buster handy! ;) Which makes me think a bit.... how does she feel about cats? Maybe a visit from him might calm her down a bit?

We got Dee loaded up in Shelby's van yesterday late aft. noon, it only took 4 of us. Shelby, with balance problems. me with bum legs, Tory & Leon, both with just the use of one arm, each. Aftermany phone calls to Dee's Dr, social workers, care center people, Dee's dr finally told us to take her back to the hosp she had been in, but to the emergency room where they will evaluate her and the put her in the correct care center. He was to notify the ER people she was coming. Shelby got her there and they didn't know anything about her coming. (this was at least 6 hrs after the Dr's call) They admitted her in the hosp for the night, and will make the decision where she is to go this morn. Shelby said Dee told her, just before she was to leave to come home....if they think I will go to just any care center...their nuts. I'll come first!! I told Shelby I think if Dee calls her to come and get her to bring her home instead of going to where she'll get the therapy she needs, she should refuse. Dee is going to be needing some tough love. She is so used to getting her own way and being waited on, she needs to realize her actions are affecting other people. So the saga cont.

I know for sure Medicare will not pay for long-time care in Assistive Living ,nursing homes, etc . It wll pay for 20 days care if a person is transferred there from a hospital (not from home). But Medicaid WILL cover long-term care. The problem with Medicaid is it's based on a person's assets and resources (money) and there's a look back period. If she wants to persue Medicaid eligibility, she'll need legal help for sure. Her family's next step should be to get her a lawyer who specilizes in Elder Law.Dotmom, you've done everything a friend and neighbor can do. Time to step back and let her family handle it.

I agree, Shelby should just say, I am sorry, I cannot pick you (her) up and bring her back. My health (Doctor) said NO lifting. She would be responsible if something happened. If she cannot stay in the hospital, the hospital should contact relatives. There is a way that if the hospital transfers the person to home etc, either Medicare or Medicade will help out, but then it is the responsibilty of the person/relatives, not friends. Sorry, this is called Tough Love. You and your friends will be rewarded for helping out as much as you have, not money wise but in other ways. Just put it in God's hand and HE will guide and help you and your friends.
Marie

Sure sounds like most of the people in that apartment are fabulous people (there's *always* an exception or two!) and I understand why you really hated the thought of moving out of there when you needed a ground floor apartment.

So nice of you to help and yes, tough love is what she needs. But often people like that can be more talk than action. They have a hobby of complaining. I wonder if that's part of her thing.

Cynic, you hit the nail on the head, altho she has been known to put her gripes into actions. She is now in a care center in Brainerd,(abt 20miles from here) The one she wanted to go to in Aitkin (10 miles ) but her reputation preceded her and they refused her. I do care for her, but could not be a buddy or close to her, because of her nastiness and negativity. Shelby and I help because....well, she is a person and needed help.