I miss him so much.When will the pain get better?

15 years ago

I miss paps[my DFIL so so so much.I Lay and cry because he was just the sweetest person I ever knew.When will it get better.Sorry I come here and cry on your shoulder but I really wish I could give him one more hug.I told him just hrs before he passed Paps you are so sweet and you have been so good to me and others.he grab my hand and kiss me.I never never will forget this.If you all had know him you would have loved him too.In the pic is Greg,Paps,Ashley

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Comments (18)

jel48
15 years ago
(((((catlady)))))))
hgl_gaylemarie
15 years ago
I understand, I lost two loved one in the matter of 4 weeks this past month.

Hard to believe, but it gets better with time. Just remember all the good things about them.
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I'm so proud of him!
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Good for both of you! A lot of women just can't give up their authority in the kitchen, just like a lot of men think of cooking as something they shouldn't be expected to do. imo, both groups are missing a lot of fun. DH took over the grocery shopping shortly after he retired. The first few months were both exasperating and hilarious, but he's gotten to be very good at it. Of course an incentive is that if he wants 'junk food' like ice cream or potato chips, he has to buy it himself. He doesn't do a lot of cooking but he did learn to read a recipe... as long as I annotate it as to pan size and list the exact order of steps. Some time ago Suzi mentioned writing everything down that she wanted to remember. I'm trying to do that with all the kitchen details and recipes. A lot of my cooking is seasoned with a 'dash' of this or a 'glug' of that, so I'm having to measure and experiment before the recipe can be used by anyone else.
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Well I better get better at this fast
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Comments (16)
Leava, The watering issue always will be with us so I try not to stress over it when I have to stop watering and let plants die, which generally happens about 1 out of 3 years here. Unfortunately, it often happens 2 or 3 years in a row, but then after that, I know it likely won't happen for a while again. It is excrutiating to leave our lovingly-raised plants to suffer, but that's just how it is when you live and garden in an area prone to drought. It is a shame that some years we have way too much water and other years we have way too little, but we sure can't do anything about it. Succession planting sounds harder than it is. If you know you're planting broccoli, for example, and it matures in 60 days from transplant, just look at the calendar 60 days out from your transplant date and ask yourself what grows well if planted in that month. I usually start seeds of succession crops in tiny bathroom-sized paper cups with the bottoms cut out about 5-7 days before I expect to harvest the in-ground plants. Then, with harvest in the morning and transplanting the new crop (cups and all to lessen transplant shock) in the afternoon (or evening if the weather is very hot), that bed doesn't stay out of production long. You also can plant many succession crops by direct-sowing the seed in the ground, but with each crop you have to know your soil temps and air temps and make sure it isn't too hot for the succession crop to sprout. I just like starting mine inside in cups so I'll have an "instant replacement" and fill up that space and put it to work right away. I hate sowing seed in summer, waiting a week or two for it to sprout, and then having to thin or replant in areas as needed. I'd rather have the sure think of plugging in a growing plant into each bit of available space. Really, if you're replacing cool season crops, you have to replace them with a warm season crop so that narrows down your choices a lot, and it shouldn't be tomatoes or peppers (unless they're a new batch for fall) since they already should be in the ground before you're harvesting something like broccoli or cabbage. It can be harder to decide on succession crops for fall because you can choose from both some shorter-season warm-season crops or some of the cool-season crops. For fall, I try to plant more of whatever we have put up the least of or whatever we like the best. I don't necessarily succession crop after mid-summer if it is a very dry summer because there's no point in planting something that will struggle with a lack of water. Dawn
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HELP!!!!! Problem flirt- did I lead him on? how do I ditch him?
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Comments (20)
Em, I'm sorry I am late getting back, but I'm very glad to hear that you've had no further contact from him. I hope he has gotten the message and moved on. I really think you need to let your dh know how very upset you have been over this and how it has really affected your well being. He probably saw it in a whole different light and never realized that you have been stressing about it in a big way. I think he needs to know exactly how you feel and how this other man has intruded in a manner that leaves you feeling extremely vulnerable. These days, especially, you have to be very cautious with anyone who continually makes inappropriate approaches without encouragement. Your dh isn't worried about you wanting to fool around, but that is completely beside the point. It isn't about YOU at all; it's the unknown of what is going on with someone who is playing mind games with you on your cell phone. That's scary and deserves support. My situation was entirely different but nevertheless gives me something of an understanding of how you must feel. Before the days of cell phones and caller ID, I began getting very frightening phone calls. It began as a "wrong number" call. The guy made some joking statements to which I responded jokingly as well and then we both hung up. But he called again, and again, and again. At first, it was light-hearted banter and I am sorry to say that I did not hang up immediately, but kind of enjoyed the chat. But it didn't stop and it got weirder. He made it clearer with every call that he knew exactly who I was. Gradually the tone shifted to a menacing one. I would walk in my house to hear the phone ringing and he would say, "Welcome home, Cheri! I'm going to get you soon," or something like that. There was always a threat to "get" me or something similar. I was petrified. If I didn't pick up the phone he would leave a message. If I shut off my answering machine, he would call and call and call. If I unplugged my phone, I felt so scared and vulnerable anyway, as it was obvious from the things he said that he knew when I left my house, came home, even where I went sometimes. He also knew how to play the game because I couldn't get anything done to stop him. The police refused to put the thing on my phone that would trace calls because he never made a specific threat to kill me (is that ludicrous????). The phone company recorded the calls but wouldn't trace them either for the same reason. They wouldn't change my number because they were recording the calls and even if I could have gotten them to change it, they were going to charge me a fortune to do so! Can you believe that? I was a single mother. My kids had to spend every other week with their dad, so most of these calls came when I was alone and most of them were at night. My ex was/is very capable of having orchestrated the whole thing and I suspect he may have been behind it, but I had absolutely no way to prove it. The voice was not his. It just stopped, finally, but after months of being terrorized, I had a very hard time getting over it. It seemed like an innocent thing at first, but it quickly escalated to something way out of my control. I was also a lot younger and had been pretty much...well, brutalized, I guess you could say, in my marriage, so I just didn't have the personal resources at that time to tackle such a situation. Predators sniff out the vulnerable, so the best thing to do if you can manage it is to not appear vulnerable! Sorry to say that I don't exactly know how that's done.
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Just speculating on making changes to make better sale. Long, so
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Comments (2)
My concerns, if I were looking to buy your home, would be that the dining, living and family rooms are well-located with a nice traffic flow, pleasing windows that match the rest of the house, and finishes that work well with the older parts of the home. If the family room feels like a garage, has garage-like windows, or an inconvenient or non-existent entry space, a big closet in the master would not overcome that for me. If the dining room is finished like the kitchen, and feels more like a kitchen than a dining room, then I wouldn't care whether you had 3 closets in the master. I If the modified and already-added spaces were pleasing to me, then the bigger closet would be frosting on the cake. It sounds like your neighbors cared more about expanding personal, bed and bath space than about living areas. Or perhaps the change to the bedroom areas is more natural and cheaper given how the homes are laid out and oriented on the lots?
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cheekybones
15 years ago
(((catlady)))

I wear my grandmother's wedding ring and find that a comfort when I miss her. Also just bought charms (on a necklace) that are her birthstone and my brother's birthstone. I find myself clutching them at times during the day and that helps.
mariend
15 years ago
Maybe starting a scrapbook, with pictures, poems, favorite songs, thoughts etc would help. I too miss my grandparents and wish I had done that years ago.
patti43
15 years ago
I'm so sorry you lost your Paps. He looks like a really sweet and happy guy. Glad you had such a nice relationship with your dear FIL. Hope you can get past the tears and be happy again like he'd want you to.
cynic
15 years ago
Think of it this way, if you didn't keep missing him, you'd be forgetting him and that's not what you want. He sounds like a very memorable person and worthy of remembrance.

The pain will dull as you become numbed to it. The best thing is still to not concentrate on how much you miss him but rather, why you miss him and that's the great memories you have. Every time you feel saddened, feel a tear or something, think about a good time, a funny moment, a joke he told or a practical joke he pulled. Think about your favorite moments. Think about why you're proud of him or what he might say or do in a given situation. It even helps to sit down and write out those favorite moments. Have a laugh, it's OK. It good in fact.

It's been 33 years since my mother's death. I miss her as much now as ever. I'm resentful that she was cheated out of so much life she deserved but I also realize there's nothing that can be done so I cherish the memories I have and it makes things better.
chisue
15 years ago
The pain will never go away completely, but it will become bearable. If you hadn't loved and been loved, you would have no pain -- but that's hardly a life worth living! I'm sure you GAVE as much as you GOT.
socks
15 years ago
I'm so glad you were able to speak your heart to him before he died. He knew how you loved and valued him. It will get better, but you will always miss him. Cry all you need to...it's ok.
ruthieg__tx
15 years ago
It just takes time but I always tell myself that I can better serve my loved one by rejoicing in their memory instead of feeling self pity at their loss. One day soon hopefully thinking of him will make you smile, not cry and I am sure that is the way he would want it.
tralynn
15 years ago
Catlady, It's okay to miss him and cry. It hasn't been that long. And yes if you didn't feel sad and miss him then there wouldn't have been love there. I lost my grandma a week before you lost your paps, and I just went to my grandma's brothers' funeral viewing tonight, They were the last two living out of 13 children and they died within a month of each other. I still cry (almost every day) because I miss my grandma, but I am finding that I am starting to laugh alittle more too. I am remembering some pretty good times with her and how funny she was.
It will get better with time. When your really feeling sad and missing him there's nothing wrong with crying, but also try and remember the good times.
My heart aches for you, because I know this isn't an easy time
trisha57_ny
15 years ago
(((catlady)))))))))
I'm so sorry.
ont_gal
15 years ago
Awww Judy...I am so sorry that you are hurting so badly...it will get better with time
joann23456
15 years ago
Cynic and Chisue are right - the pain will lessen with time, but it won't go away. My mother has been gone for 13 years, and sometimes when I think about her, the loss still takes my breath away. It only means that we loved them.

What's that saying, "The only way around the pain is *through* the pain." Something like that. It's true.
juellie1962
15 years ago
I'm sorry you're hurting so badly. Maybe if you try to think of how lucky you are to have known that love.....my fil hardly gives me the time of day; or his own children for that matter. You were lucky to have such a sweet man in your life!!! :) What an awesome role model he was!
catlady15
Original Author
15 years ago
Thank you all so much for your caring words.He was the sweetest father anyone could have asked for.He loved people.I can not say enough about him.I am crying as I am trying to type.Only if you could see my broken heart.I will always hear those words he would tell me as I stood close to his bedside rubbing that little hairless head of his telling him how much I love him and I told him he was the best father,granddaddy,husband,anyone could ask for.If I could reach out one more time and hug him.We did not think Greg was going to make it before he passed so we had several cell phones on letting Ashley and greg tell him bye and how much they loved him.I heard Greg tell over the cell phone its okay daddy I will always love you,and you go and rest now.Thanks for letting me share this.Love Judy
Marcia Thornley
15 years ago
Ahh, I can relate. I miss my Mom so much. She had Alzheimers for years and I really don't even know if she knew who I was, but I miss that smile when I entered the room so much! All I can tell you is that time is a wonderful thing. The pain will ease some and soon you will smile instead of cry when memories come to you. Just remember how lucky you are to have had him for such a long time.
Hugs,
Mush
joyfulguy
15 years ago
Were you present at the visitation before the funeral?

Often many of the friends bring stories of various interesting or humourous experiences that they had with your FIL, over the years ... as they've had a couple of days to think of their relationship, since the death. If you were not, perhaps if you ask some of the people who were there, they'll have some stories to tell that will ease your pain some (and theirs, as they recount it).

I've thought that we should take a tape recorder into the funeral homes to record some of those stories.

Often it's good to do something, rather than sit and sweat. Perhaps if you know of some task that he would like to do for some mutual friend, to warm someone's heart, and go do it in his stead, it would warm your heart, as well, and ease its pain some.

ole joyful
dollydolots
15 years ago

My Dear Catlady 15
Here is a poem I wrote when I was grieving
for a Dear Dear Friend who gave us so much
happiness. He was gave a lot of himself and was
only concerned for our happiness. It took
a number of years to get over his loss but now we
only think of the happy times with him.

"Our Dear Bumpy"

Our thoughts have no end
for our memories of you
Like a continuous wave,
flowing through and through

You are a part of us
and you always will be
Now you're held in God's
arms through eternity

Many Hugs to you and yours
Dolly

I miss him so much.When will the pain get better?

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jel48

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I miss him so much.When will the pain get better?

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catlady15Original Author

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catlady15
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