Bored husband causes trouble at Target...

Here are some ideas to keep retirees occupied.

After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her

trips to Target. Unfortunately, like most men, I

found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out.

Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women -

she loves to browse. Yesterday my dear wife received the

following letter from the local Target.

Dear Mrs. Samuel,

Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a

commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this

behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the

store. Our complaints against your husband, Mr.

Samuel, are listed below and are documented by our video

surveillance cameras.

1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in
   
   other people's carts when they weren't looking.

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at
   
   5-minute intervals.

3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading
   
   to the women's restroom.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official
   
   voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right
   
   away'. This caused the employee to leave her assigned station
   
   and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that
   
   in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to
   
   lose time and costing the company money.

5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of
   
   M&Ms on layaway.

6. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted
   
   area.

7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told
   
   the children shoppers he'd invite them in if
   
   they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding
   
   department to which twenty children obliged.

8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began
   
   crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people
   
   just leave me alone?' EMTs were
   
   called.

9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used
   
   it as a mirror while he picked his nose.

10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department,
    
    he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

11. October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly
    
    humming the 'Mission Impossible' theme.

12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna
    
    look' by using different sizes of funnels.

13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed
    
    through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'

14. October 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker,
    
    he assumed a fetal position and screamed 'OH
    
    NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES
    
    AGAIN!'

And last, but not least:

15. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited
    
    awhile, then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's
    
    no toilet paper in here.' One of the clerks passed out.