In the long run, my opinion is that if you care about your children and their relationship, you give to them equally. Just because one has more need, is it fair to punish the other? Now, you don't have to give to them in the same ways. Maybe for one you pay the airfare, for the other, you might put that $600 in a trust fund for her children's college or just set aside that money, in a POD account in that daughter's name, so that if and when something happens to you, she will get what's fair.

No matter how close your children are, the easiest way to drive a wedge between them is to treat them differently.

Of course, reading your post, I notice that you say 'we're taking...'--so why not pay everyone's way including airfare? That way, there's no question of favoring one side of the family over the other.

You give alot of money to the grandchildren. Pay the other daughter's airfare and don't worry about it. It'll all even out.

Hmmmm....

I tend to think you should give to your children equally. Of course there can be exceptions (generally maybe related to severe health issues, etc), but nothing you listed sounds like it really would apply... Just because one child is financially better off than the other, isn't a good enough reason to give money to one but not the other.

I also think kids count as separate entities and should not be lumped together with their parents. They are your grandkids... You can give to them or you can't.. What you give to them shouldn't count against their parents IMHO.

Finances are funny because different people have different priorities... You say the one daughter is secure, but can she pay to send her kids to med school; what if her husabnd looses his job? Those things may mean more to her, than plane fare for your other daughter. You never really know who needs what money and who spends it on what.. But, it really doesn't matter. By giving money just to one you'll be showing favortism and the weathier daughter will most probably have some resentment, not just against you, but more importantly, against her sister. Keep that in mind.

Give both daughters the same... If your one daughter doesn't want or need it... Tell her to give it to your other daughter... But, let her decide if she wants the money or not...

good luck thoughts

What Lindakathy said. In our family we help each out according to need at any given time. Assistance comes in many forms. It's not always monetary. My kids are grown and we have even switched roles now and then. It really does even out. The worst squabbles among adult siblings I've seen are where they grew up in homes where the parents had to make sure every little thing was even.

My DD & Hubby (no children) do better financially than my Son. My Son is in the A/C Business and works long, long hours and has 3 children.

When we plan a family trip DD and I split the tap and Son and family aren't asked to pay. It's our agreement with DD. She worries about her Brother who works darn hard to provide for his little family.

If we have jealous Siblings I'm not aware of it.

We have something similar. We'd like to help the one more, but the opportunity doesn't present itself now, though if he buys a house some day, then we will kick in more.

Since you give to one child and her children, then you ought to look at that total as what has been given to that one child and try to help out the other more with some equalization of financial gifts.

I say give as equally as you can.

Sue

Very often the term "equal" is a very vague and subjective term and certainly subject to interpretation. It's one view to just say dollar for dollar to your kids. But it's also a very reasonable thought that when you're giving to grandkids that certainly benefits their parents so that isn't really equal to the others. It's also hard to say paying a $200 airfare for one is equal to a $1000 airfare for another so do you look at the item or the cash? It gets confusing and complicated and can have you pulling your hair out to overthink it.

There's no way to be 100% equal and totally fair all the time. Life isn't fair. It sounds to me that you're trying to be reasonably fair as best you can so I wouldn't worry about it.

My opinion is that one that works hard and doesn't get the breaks isn't exactly taking advantage of someone if you want to give them a little more assistance. You said she doesn't like to take it so I say kudos to her for wanting to stand on her own two feet. You've clearly raised her with strong morals and ethics.

I really think you're giving equally. Sounds like you have a lot to give and are very generous. Keep doing what you're doing and don't second guess it. We don't know all the facts so it's hard to give good advice. Pat on the back to you and good thoughts your way. Enjoy your family and friends and enjoy what you have now while you can. I'm sure you'll have a wonderful time on the cruise.

I may be reading this all wrong but it seems to me that dex's point is not whether the younger daughter is going to be upset if dex pays the older daughter's airfare, but rather if the older daughter is going to feel funny about accepting the airfare when dex is not paying airfare for the younger daughter.

The thing is, the amount dex is paying for the trip is already lopsided. Older daughter = 1 fare for the cruise. Younger daughter = 4 fares for the cruise. Younger daughter is already costing you 4x the amount older daughter is.

So my opinion is that you should pay airfare for the older daughter and tell her that you feel you want to pay more toward her trip since you are paying so much more toward her sister's trip.

Now, if I'm misunderstanding and younger daughter is going to balk about paying airfare for the four of them while older daughter is getting a free ride, then two things come into play. Can you afford to pay for the four additional airfares? And ARE there issues of sibling jealousy?

Some more unknowns: did both daughters accept the trip knowing they would have to kick in the airfare? What about all the incidental expenses while on the cruise, such as excursions, aloholic drinks, souvenirs, etc.?

I think if your kids are keeping track of what you give to each of them monetarily and getting upset about it, something else has gone wrong in your family and dividing the money evenly isn't going to help. Certainly it would be unfair to say, pile money on one undeserving lazy child, but if you are just offering gifts (yes, gifts - parents don't owe their adult children anything) based on real need, it's ridiculous for siblings to keep track.

I don't really get why parents try to make things even since, for one thing, it's impossible to do that, and for another, that's just not how life works.

My mom and dad always helped out whoever needed it at the moment. We all understood that and had no problems with it. We were just grateful to have the help. I say give the daughter the airfare and say no more about it. My mom, too, wanted to give to us while she was here to see us enjoy it. They are both gone now and I miss them all the time. Enjoy your cruise with your family and happy 50th anniversary!!!

I'm still in the arena that life is unfair enough... and that a parent shouldn't knowingly contribute to that unfairness. Outwardly playing favorites hardly ever turns out good. We're not talking about taking someone out to lunch or spending a little more on their b-day gift.

I'm not really understanding why a single working women doesn't have a lot of money of her own.. but that's another post.

I did reread your post - Does everyone but your poorer daughter live by the ship and not need plane fare? I think the way you worded your post kind of suggested your were giving a certain amount of money/ a gift...I'm not sure if the plane fare will cost $200 or $2000. Possibly you could pay for her fare and it would make it look more like part of the trip instead of just giving her a set amount? I still would mention it to your other daughter though... Just talk to her. I'm amazed at the families that can't and don't talk to each other. But bottom line, you either have money to give out or you don't...If you can't afford to offer to both.. you probably shouldn't be giving to either. Maybe you could offer to give $300 to both instead.

It's easy to say you don't have to be fair. But, how many have truly been on the short end of the the stick in a family matter? How many would complain if grandma got your niece a $600 gift, but your daughter a $30 one? How many would complain if mom bought your brother a car, but not you? Life's not fair, but when mom or dad makes it that way, it especially hurts.

Our family has the same vacation arrangement as gaylemarie and DH and I are the appreciative recipients. We now have only a 1/3 of the income we had up to 10 years ago and my sister has double of what she did back then. In other words, my parents, sister and her DH paid for gas and hotel/rental and I only had to pay for what DH and I spent on the trip. 10 years ago it was the reverse.. sister was the appreciative recipient. It all works out in the end with a close-knit family.

I would just pay for the plane ticket. You will probably spend alot of money on the g-kids during the trip.

I've certainly been on the short end of the stick as the youngest of four. With three older siblings passing through college before me, my parent's finances were at their tightest when I was in high school. I didn't hold them personally responsible for the situation. That's just the way it was. Same with grandkids. My sister had her children years ago when both my parents were working and had no kids to take care of so they were able to spend more on my nephews than on my kids who arrived after my parents retired. So what? My kids don't know the difference and I understand my parent's financial situation. I am just glad for any time my kids have with my aging parents. It is sad to see so many people focused on money.

Sounds like she is a responsible daughter, you are blessed. If you can afford it, give equally.

What azzalea said. Keep it equal.

I think you should keep it equal as well. It does sound like your older daughter is having a harder time financially. So many times though.. one child may just manage their money better, make better decisions in life.. I don't think they should be left out if you are giving away money. If they say they don't want it.. at least you offered.

Carla said How many would complain if grandma got your niece a $600 gift, but your daughter a $30 one? My MIL does this once in a while. One year she gave my husband a $300. gun for Christmas, her other 3 kids and all the grandkids got the usual $20. gift. She did a similar thing a few years later with the other son. She's not my Mom, so I just thought it was kind of odd and funny. My Mom on the other hand makes sure everyone's gift costs the same.

I really have issues with people who count the monetary value of a gift to see if what they got is equal to what Sister Susie got. That just drives me nuts.
You give according to what is right at THAT MOMENT. Sometimes Susie gets the most, sometimes Danny gets the most. It should even out, over time. If you sit down and realize that Susie has gotten the most repeatedly, then it's time to make adjustments.

In many situations, a divorce will just plain wipe a person out (BTDT). If your daughter has recovered enough to qualify to buy her own house, then she is doing very well in my book. It could take her a bit more time to get re-established to the point where participating in a family celebratory cruise is not a hardship. You certainly don't want your chosen anniversary celebration to be the cause of her having even more financial difficulty.

Paying for her airfare is very considerate of you and I think is a very nice gesture. I don't think you have to pay airfare for the other four, also.

we tend to take care of our own..for instance ds2 has been out of work for a year. we "hired" him to redo our bathroom. ds1 has done the same thing, and dd2 has had him babysit now and then...we did offer if they wanted to come on vacation with us..however they took the better road, and declined...no feelings were hurt. dd1 and her hub are now taking monies they usually give at church and are sending it to sil's sister...

the only time we try to be equal is over the holidays and with 18 of us in the family, you can see why...

There is no way to answer this because people have different ideas of what is "equal". My father considers things given to grandchildren to be a subset of what he gives that child's parent. My sister has 2 kids, I have none (not by choice, if it matters). To him, completely "equal" would be giving me $1000 and them $1000 combined. I think this is based on inheritance, my sister and I each get half, it isn't divided equally among all offspring including grandchildren. The g-kids get nothing unless their parent is dead (and then they get their parent's share). He doesn't keep things "equal", he gives whatever seems right at the time, but in his mind he is more generous with my sister because of what he gives her children. This came up recently because of something he wanted to buy me and I said it was too much and he said it was more than fair considering how much less I get compared to her and hers.

I say give the dd the extra money and call it good. What you're giving them is a vacation. It takes a little more money for the one dd to get a vacation. So what? If you've got the money and you're willing to give it, then have fun and enjoy the trip. I wouldn't give it a second thought.

Have you asked the daughter who you feel isn't getting her "fair share"? If she is really as close to her sister as you think then she knows her sisters NEEDS out weigh her own. Life may not always be "fair" but we should try and make it just. When one person has been blessed then they should be ready to share with those who are not. If it makes you feel better keep track. Then if there is an inheritance in the future it could be subtracted then.