I think your first statement says it all....how long do you think about whether or not to continue the relationship - if you have to think about it (and it seems like you need a lot of time to think about it) it's not the right relationship for you to be in. About their 'things' and 'key' - why prolong the agony? Leave them a voicemail saying you'll be dropping by and leaving the box of stuff on their doorstop on such and such a date, another option is to ask a mutual acquaintance if they would mind you leaving the box of stuff with them, then advise your friend (again by voicemail/email/etc.) when/where it could be picked up. Extricate yourself from the situation altogether. UNLESS, OF COURSE, YOU'RE PLAYING SOME KIND OF MIND GAME, THEN ALL BETS ARE OFF

Welcome to the Kitchen Table, Silversword. I don't have any suggestions for you, except to say arguing goes with any relationship, to a certain degree. I don't like to argue, so I just walk away from a conversation that entails arguing.

You may or may not like my answer depending on which party you are but here it is.

I think walking away to "think it over" is often plain a old passive aggressive behavior. The old silent treatment. Mature ,stable people work problems out by talking about them. They don't run away. It's OK to walk away to cool off for a bit if things are too heated but it is not OK to leave someone hanging.

People in healthy relationships have arguments. It is how you deal with resolving them that makes or breaks a relationship.

I would drop everything and go help with the pet. Kind of petty not to.

Texting is for kids. Grown-ups break-up in person and make arrangements that work for both parties to exchange keys, get back their stuff etc.

People should be able to go in and get their own stuff.

None of this applies if the relationship is dangerous or abusive.

If you let us know your approx age, working? school? that might help both you and the people here. You might not like the answers you receive, but most here are wonderful compassionate people. Just read what they offer and then YOU make up your mind.
Good luck

I couldn't have said it better, Wildchild. One thing...are these people of mature age? Doesn't sound like it....neither side....

Maybe they can just break up via Facebook...and then take a poll among their friends about whose side people are on....

Go with your gut instincts. They seem to be saying this is not the relationship for me. Nothing else should come into play....sick pet, etc.

Silver, all the advice that the hot topic group gave you seemed quite compassionate & good for the most part.. no?

Wildchild has my vote. Exactly right.

I agree with Wildchild, also, although I'm a little confused. But I would certainly have been there for someone I care(d) about and their beloved pet. Why wouldn't you offer compassion to someone who was in need? It's not like they were using the pet's illness to woo you back.

Before this get out of hand go to Hot topics and read the responses to her request there. Is the pet his or her's? Slightly different story, There are other sides to this story. Just be careful of the advice, and yes I do wish her the best.

Glad I read hot topics, at least I know who is doing what!

Silversword I am sorry your pet has passed. I know the pain and it is awful. Take care and hope things work out for you.

"I posted the following at the single life forum but no response"
Well, actually you posted it at Hot Topics and have 140
responses so far which you have read and responded to.
And now you're posting your story here.
Why? Not enough opinions yet?

Here is a link that might be useful: Post at HT

Just how much affirmation do you need?

You have 140 responses on the Hot Topics forum! Where, by the way, you made it much clearer about who is whom, and whose pet died.

Here is a link that might be useful: Silversword on Hot Topics at Gardenweb

Sorry, marie-ndcal, matti5 & lindakathy - I was typing as you all posted!

But then, great minds, etc.

Well, I didn't read the 140 responses at Hot topics, just your post. It seems my original response was meant for him, not for you. Sorry about your loss but that really shouldn't come in to play when making a major life decision about a relationship, as sad and as devastating as losing a furry friend is.

Well, I knew I was confused but after reading some of the stuff at Hot topics, I'll echo what others are saying. At least the story is more clear in my head, and my condolences for the loss of your pet. Just wondering why you posted after all the replies you received.

I think maybe she was just trying to be fair to the "opposite side", to see if the opposite perspective could be validated.

Okay, I am prone to question everything that seems dubious to me.

We have some odd or strange posts here from time to time, but this one takes the cake.

I've glanced at this post, I've come back and reread it. I went to the Hot topics link, and I don't know why that was called "single life." I didn't read all that nonsense there, and I'm surprised that the regulars there gave it so much attention.

I searched all the sites, not just the KT and Hot Topics, there is no Silver Sword other than those two.

So here is my question:

Where does it say in the two posts, that Silver Sword is a female? I googled Silver Sword and there are varied and interesting sites listed.

Sue

No need to be so suspicious, Sue-va, Silversword (no gap) has been a regular on the Stepfamilies forum for years.

silversword also used to post on the marriage forum.

I read many of your old posts. Your life reads like
a romance novel. You're in your early 30's. You have a 10 year old. Your second husband moved out March 26th. You're now having problems with another relationship that's 3-4 months old? You have issues with your father and your stepmother and your husband's ex. Interesting read, I must
say. You write very well.

It is unreasonable to go from Lovers to Friends immediately. Whomever got dumped would have a hard time with that. Always an unreasonable and insensitive request.

If someone takes a break they are just not that into you.

And if you need this many responses, it is likely that you have a dependent personality. I might would take a break from that too - it feels very claustrophobic to me when I'm in a relationship with someone with that diagnosis.

OK now I've read the HT.

Silver you have some major dependency stuff going on right now. You are not yet divorced, am I reading that correctly? You came to this forum under false pretences: That NO one would help you. Not sure why you would present it that way? You've received a "lot" of help - nothing wrong with asking for more, but why not present it as such?

You are still referring to him as your boyfriend in the present. You hate therapists the way my family hates cats. Not all therapists are bad, not all cats are bad. Incidentally though, the things you report about your bad therapy indicate to me that perhaps the therapy wasn't bad, rather your prejudice against therapy and unwillingness to spend money on what you dont trust.

I'd recommend you set aside your defenses and get some referrals to a "good" therapist, and be willing to look at your family of origin issues. A lot of your "stuff" was created back then, and you are likely to continue repeating your stuff over and over and over. You will only attract to you someone as healthy or as unhealthy as you are, and your kids deserve not to get involved with temporary relationships. If you're looking for advise I would say next time dont' introduce your kids to your partners until you "know" it's long term - minimum 6 months. And also perhaps spend some time alone, without a partner - especially while you're still going through the process of divorce. Vulnerability and temporary weaknesses will cloud your judgment of worthy partners.

Your boyfriend might be a decent guy, and you may have a special connection, but he's not interested enough in you. That is what I call "information". Do with it what you will.

Sometimes it's hard to remember that this is the Kitchen Table & not feeding time in the shark tank.

Tell the truth and there won't be any problems.
When you have people that put very vulnerable things out here, like struggles with cancer, dying children, and people are very supportive, there becomes a new level of trust developed. Suckering people in to feel sorry for you threatens that trust that so many here depend on.
Silver has had trials to be sure, and is entitled to be encircled like the rest of us, but to elicit concern on the basis that no one else would help her makes "me" feel manipulated. I don't like that in an environment that we work to keep safe and supportive.

Who knows -- maybe she is just trying to set a record for the most responses!

Big problem with this kind of board is that you don't know who you're dealing with, or what kind of mental issues they're dealing with. Is she playing with a whole deck, or is she a few cards short???

It sounds like Silversword IS now divorced, at least per her most recent posting at the GW/Marriage site. Too much drama for me.

Your Little Voice is telling you this is not a good relationship/love match/friendship. Run ,don't walk away. Listen to that voice. The sick dog has nothing to do with this.

Sorry, I made a boo-boo on the screen name. However, I do believe that a screen name tells us a lot about the person. Makes you wonder why certain names/terms are used; that is why I googled the term, and I found it very interesting, and possibly telling. (it is also why I use my real name and State. I am just me.)

The replies following mine have all backed up my curiosity. I did suspect that there was a lot more to this story, and I don't understand the need to be untruthful.

I just now took a look at the Stepfamily and the Single Life forums.

At the Stepfamily forum was this:

So live that you wouldn't be ashamed to sell the family parrot to the town gossip. Will Rogers

And at the Single Life forum was this:

You do not need to be loved, not at the cost of yourself. The single relationship that is truly central and crucial in a life is the relationship to the self. Of all the people you will know in a lifetime, you are the only one you will never lose. Jo Coudert

I love that kind of advice; a far cry from the "You go, girl." stuff we hear today.

Sue

Thank you for the responses. And Sylvia, thank you. I posed this question neutral/to the other side on purpose.

Su-va, I'm not being untruthful, I wasn't trying to be sly by posting, and Amy, I didn't say "no one would help me". I said no one responded except for Kay at the single life. That was very clear. I didn't mention I posted at Hot Topics because I wanted unbiased opinions.

Silversword has dual meanings. The plant, and Silver's word. I don't think there's much mystery or intrigue in that.

Thank you Wildchild, for giving actual advice. And Lefleur, yes, my advice on HT was EXCELLENT. I just wanted to make sure I had both sides, as I was and am still getting feedback from the other party that I'm way off base. It's not life or death, I'm just trying to figure out people and being back on the dating scene after 15-odd years.

JustLinda, yes, it's all about the drama for me, however did you guess?

Thank you for the responses. It's amazing that Kitchen Table is actually more suspicious and down on newcomers than Hot Topics!!