Vala, I'm not sure what you mean by "just invite them" -- to the wedding itself, or to everything we plan? It's not really for me to invite her parents to the wedding; actually, I don't know who will be the "official" hosts for the wedding itself. We (the couple and all the parents) are all contributing to the costs, and we're all (maybe not so much her dad, at least not so far) participating in the planning, too. I don't know (or especially care) how the invitations read. We aren't planning on paying for anyone's hotel rooms, although everyone will be staying at the same hotel, where the reception will be. As for meals, other than Friday and Saturday nights (and the wedding on Sunday), we'll have bagels and coffee available in the hospitality area at the hotel at breakfast times, but not a "real" meal, except for more substantial food, but still drop-in buffet style in the hospitality area, for brunch on Monday. I feel very confident that that will work out fine, because at the sister's wedding last week, everyone stayed at the hotel, which had a breakfast buffet in the lobby, and everyone hung out there without any problem. In fact, they crossed paths often and were gracious to each other. So really, only Friday and Saturday nights are at issue, and after last week, I really am feeling confident about that, too. I think we are going to get through the wedding weekend just fine and, I hope, feel close with both her parents and their families. We got a really good start last week. I am grateful for the insight and advice you all are giving me. I have another question for AFTER the wedding, but I'll start another string!

Ima, I think the rules above are for the main part very well written, and I believe I will share them with my SD and DH. I am able to see where some of them may differ from home to home and do not attempt to make this fit like a blanket over every situation. The main idea is such a simple one - be the adult, not the child. Act your age, not theirs. Do unto others. Threat your step children as you would want your children treated. This does not mean every one abides by these rules. There are some step moms who treat their skids better that the bio mom does. There are some step moms who are horrendous, and some bio moms who are selfless. There are a lot of step moms who are not even given a chance because others can't look past their own situation to the situations of others. They lump all 2nd wives/girl friends into the mold of their situation. This is as ridiculous as saying I don't like 'Sally' and 'Sally' has red hair, so I dislike all redheads. So what I am saying, Colleen and Ima, is save your breath. We've all joined this board and tried to open the minds of TOS and KKNY and we have all failed. We've tried to make them see the damage they are doing and we've all failed. I've learned that occasionally they can make a worthwhile point, but I can't change them any more than I can change the bio mom in my life, and the defeat I feel from that is more than enough for this girl. The benefit to them is that all those things you want to say to *your* bio mom and can't when she twists your words to fit her ugliness you can say here. So appreciate them for the outlet they give and ignore the rest. Martha out!

Dear all, Thank you for your thoughtful comments. I know I wrote a long post, but mkroopy, I do not expect everyone would understand my position in a short post. Thank you Sylviatexas, Readinglady and Justmetoo. You have been very understanding. In explanation to my position : 1. Before I got married, my parents had warned me that is anything were to happen (Inter-racial marriages in my country had boast issues like this before) I am not to return home crying when my marriage fail. I know my parents loved me and meant well, they only warned me of what would happen and they were absolutely right. but they are now retired, I cannot bear to burden them with my issues. If I am to find money, it will be on my own responsibility. 2. Like I mentioned above, by Muslim law, a wife can only divorce her husband for several reasons. You can refer to this : "Men have the right to divorce. If a man dislikes keeping his marriage for any reason, he divorces his wife and compensates her financially by paying her what is termed mut'a payment. This is in addition to the regular financial sustenance for her living, in case she has the custody of their children. Divorce becomes in effect once the husband utters or writes down any of the legal formulae of divorce such as: �I divorce you� or �you are divorced��etc. The husband can do these either by himself or through a messenger. In case it is the woman's desire to end the marriage, the situation becomes different. Her reasons might be that she has received ill treatment, the husband is unable to sustain her financially or he is sexually impotent. She can prove these defects in front of the judge, then the judge grants her divorce with a full access to all her financial rights. Also, if the husband was good to her but she does not want to keep on for an emotional reason, then she asks for what is termed khul'. This means to be granted divorce but without any access for financial rights, plus paying back the husband the dowry that he already paid on marrying her." I have made it clear to my husband that I don't want anything from him if he divorces me, but it seems like he is smart, he knows I won't be able to find a reason to divorce but for emotional reasons. I'm sure do hope that I'm wrong; I hope he doesn't want my money, after all his late wife did leave some for him. I am just like a pawn, I am only to suffer in a position where there is nothing I can do. 3. To Justmetoo, the solution you proposed was exactly what I did. Like I mentioned above, after my parents told me to ignore her coz eventually she will leave, I did exactly that. I ignored her. I stopped whatever I did before ie.plates to the dishes, pick up your mess, ask for permission first, spend your money wisely, you don't need another concert etc, MY HUSBAND DEEMED ME UNCARING. And again I say, I had established an understanding that I am not going to do anything anymore to make it better with her, unless she starts to do so herself. This are how things are now, she doesn't need my permission for anything, and in fact even if she does ask me, it is because she was told to by her father. And even if she did, it was, "I'm going out now, Ok Annie?" or "I'm going to borrow the bathtub, OK?" or "Can you send me to my friend's house later?" I know because her father asks her to do so, she knows I was the one who made the changes in the first place, so she behaves worst. 4. About her mother's things, you are terribly right. It was definitely my fault for clearing up the things. I just couldn't bear to live in the bedroom, which is the house under he name willed to the daughter (we are moving out sometime in 2013, AT LAST =( ) with no where to put my things. I felt really not at peace living here, everywhere I look it was just her possessions and reminders of her. Like I said, my Husband seemed very ignorant about how I felt. He had in fact mentioned I didn't know her and had no rights to hate her. She cheated on him and I didn't, I still don't understand why I get treated as if I was the one who did him wrong. I hate her terribly, It was because of what she did, that my husband is bitter and refused to clear up the mess. It was his responsibility and he dutifully neglected it and left me with the bitter consequences. I was told that the daughter was not very close to the parents. In fact, with both working adults and one spending too much time with someone else, a lot of things were left to other people to be responsible for. The maid handles a lot of things and she was given all she wanted so she wouldn't whine and cause troubles to her parents. Most definitely, I read her blog and she wrote that "my mum bullies me and don't support me" and "I didn't cry when mummy died." In fact, there wasn't an issue at all, until I came in the house. God knows what did she realize, but I doubt she appreciated her mother much until she realized someone else became the new woman in the house. The only thing I can think of now, is to live like nothing happened. Ignorance is not my forte, my blood boils to see her mess and her unthoughtful attitude about eating her share of food at home. It's makes me terribly sad that my husband says I don't care for either of them. I would have to save up my money wisely, study hard and start building a better life for myself in the future. Meanwhile, I would just have to take everything thrown at me. PS : My husband has mentioned in the past the one thing he wont tolerate is cheating and that consents a divorce. I can't do that, and even if I faked it, the bad would just be reflected on me. My husband is very smart of pretending like everything is beautiful and on cloud 9 in front of people. No one would believe of his character or assume something is wrong with our marriage.

Kind of along kswl's post above, even if one does not see a divorce attorney, there are practical things that people often overlook that should be done anyway. Even if one's relationship is hunky-dory, both partners should have account numbers for all accounts, information on retirement accounts, etc. easily available to them. If there are changes, those need to be kept track of. Both partners should also be keeping tabs on where money is going, etc. All of this is incredibly important in the case of divorce but also necessary should one partner die unexpectedly, etc. I think it is easy to overlook during stressful times, but the cost of doing so can be very high. It is not romantic to think about, but it is an important reminder. Along the same lines, from the practical/common sense standpoint, if one is considering the future of the marriage, don't muddy the waters with other things. For instance, now would not be the time to take on a major remodeling project, by an expensive car, or whatever. Some people think doing a project together will bring them closer, and it may, but alternatively it often drives people farther apart and costs a lot of money which would be significantly more useful in the starting of a new life. One thing I do feel the need to say is that while some people may seek a divorce too quickly, staying married out of the respect for marriage, because it is a wonderful institution, etc. can be terrible. Marriage has the potential to be a wonderful thing, and like all wonderful things, has the potential to be a terrible prison. There was a time when marriage was really the safest place for a woman, but that is no longer the case. There was also a time that due to life expectancy, the length of a marriage to one person was not really all that long. One spouse was likely to die and the surviving spouse was likely to marry someone new. I admit from a religious perspective it is something that I struggle with. My faith is important to me but I look at my aunt who is with a shmuck, whose drinking is worsening and the fact that she will likely never leave that situation and I have to wonder, why is a good thing for her to stay? It breaks my heart. Even without the alcohol, I look at people who are just miserable together and wonder what the good is in that? Is there a chance some of them may work through it? Of course, but there is a chance that many will just disintegrate (as noted by pinkmtn above) and how very sad that is. So I do feel compelled to say that if one does decide to divorce, there will be some who condemn it, but there will be others who will look and say, you know what, I know it was hard, I know you tried, but I get it. It is okay, you are a still a worthy human being. The OP may not need to hear that at this point, but I suspect there are many lurkers reading this who may need a reminder of that as well.