(((firemanswife)))

Is she close to your DH? Perhaps he could explain to her that a 12 hour drive is not advisable after major surgery. She's scared, too, and obviously not thinking clearly.

Best wishes for a speedy recovery.

Sounds like your mother is scared too and probably not thinking too straight right now. Don't take it too personally (yes, I know easier said than done).

Your doctor should have the last word how long and far you can travel after surgery. I'm sure he/she too would agree that 12 hours by car would be a little too much for you.

My thoughts will be with you as you travel through this trying time.

Jodi-

Bunglogirl said what I was going to.

When your Mom calls back, give the phone to your DH. Sometimes I think we forget that is one of the reasons we have/need a DH. Let him handle this one.

Sue

Your mother need to be sat down, given a good talking to...and told this isn't about her.

I'm with the others...get DH to do it.

This is a very scary time for you (and DH)...my prayers and thoughts are with you.

Does your Mom know the extent of your illness? Perhaps if you've been downplaying it a bit, but ... nevertheless, she should be there for you, not the other way around. Get your DH to talk to her. My prayers are on their way up.

I agree with the others. My thoughts and prayers are with
you. Good luck with the surgery and a speedy recovery.

I'm so sorry you are going through this.

I agree with what has been said here. Your Mother is being unreasonable. Has she ever had surgery? The Meds after surgery could really make you car sick not to mention sore.

Stand your ground with love.

My thoughts and prayers to you next week.

Gayle

I'm so sorry to hear you're needing surgery - apparently I missed that post(s) - and the stress from your mom doesn't help any. Hopefully, she'll 'wake up' and realize her fears are causing her to be unreasonable. Don't feel guilty about having to hang up. Right now YOU must take care of YOU. ((hugs)) and Prayer.

(((fireman's wife))) Big hugs for you right now! This is one time in your life you need to think about what is best for YOU. Your mother is not being reasonable. You don't need to deal with that stress now..... so don't. If you have caller ID, let your DH answer the phone when she calls.

I do hope she will come to her senses before then and come to your house to take care of you after your surgery.

So sorry you have this additional aggravation at what is already a difficult time. Hope your mom comes to her senses. Please don't let her make you feel guilty with that mother/daughter guilt thing. You and DH just concentrate on doing what needs to be done to take care of YOU.
God bless you!

Barb

My prayers are with you all the way around. Your mom may be a wonderful person but right now she's adding to your burden, not helping at all. I agree with others, let your husband deal with her for the time being. I'm glad you're close to your inlaws.

Shirley

Family can be very frustrating can't they?? I agree with everyone else-your priority right now is YOU and getting better after your surgery. Don't put any more stress on yourself. I wouldn't like to take a 12 hour car ride at any time much less after a surgery!!!!!!!! Blame it on your doctor or have DH talk to her. Your own bed is always more comforting/relaxing then somewhere else! If your mom can't understand it, then she'll have to deal with it herself.

Good Thoughts for you this weekend!!
Teresa

She sounds a bit like my mom. I would say she is scared for you and just wants her daughter close so she can be a part of what you are going through. She isn't being realistic, but I wonder if her emotions are clouding her reasoning. Take a moment to step back, take a breath, and re-think the situation. Try and talk to her from her point of view and see if you can't reach her that way. Then show her what your side is. Maybe she'll be able to see the bigger picture then.

(((((((HUGS)))))))

Sorry about your mom, I think she is just being emotional and not thinking logically. I know how scarey it can be, I just went through a similar situation in March. Good luck with the surgery and hope you have a quick recovery.
Clare

Hugs to you.

What can be going through your mom's head? I find that when someone is unreasonable, or out of line, there's often some actually acceptable reason *behind* their unreasonableness.

And that if you address THAT, and reassure them on those points, then they'll be much more sensible.

Like, maybe your mom wants to baby you and thinks she can only do it at home

Maybe she's scared and at the same time resentful that her rivals (your ILs) are right there and will be more important to you than her

Maybe she's scared and wants reassurance that you'll be OK, and she sees the trip to see her as a way for you to "prove" that you'll be OK.

Who knows? But if you can figure out what it is, then you can directly address *that,* and maybe she'll chill.

I also sometimes wonder if we could send them to someone else, what would other people they know think of their actions: Like: "Mom, please go next door to Mrs. Murray, and tell her about my surgery, and show her the map and the driving times, and then tell her what it is you think I *ought* to do, and what it is I *want* to do, and see what SHE think is the right thing."

Because nobody sane would tell you to drive 12 hours away from your home
less than a week after cancer surgery.

(actually, give her a day or two; it's probably good you hung up on her, bcs now she'll be mad, and she'll complain to people about you, and they'll hear her objections, and they'll tell her she's nuts! Let them do the dirty work for you)
And yes, you don't want to be 12 hours away from the doc at this time.

We did that, and the doctor was p.o.'d; he'd have had me on the operating room the next day, except I'd drive 12 hours away.

First of all, bravo for hanging up on her - you need to be taking care of yourself right now and that was a proper response to her behavior.
I do think that she is probably scared and sometimes when we cannot control a situation, like a loved one's health crisis, we try to control someone, like a loved one (in this case you).
You don't have to deal with her right now.
For you: I think that knowing what is going to happen next helps relieve some fear. If you have questions, go ahead and get them answered now - it may make you feel better. It sounds as if you know what the schedule is and that is good. Can you also plan some comforting things on your trip?

Sending you hugs right now.
I am so sorry that your mother is adding to your stress. I agree that she is being unreasonable. Hopefully she will settle down soon and end up being helpful...on your terms, not hers.
Know you will be in my prayers.

I'm sorry that you're having to deal with your mother like that now - you certainly have enough on your plate without her being difficult. I hope the surgery and recovery go well and will keep you in my thoughts.

I agree with everyone else.Most dr's don't want you doing a lot of traveling so soon after major surgery,so there is your excuse if you really need one!! Just tell her you can't and won't and let that be the end of it.She'll get over it,and hopefully realize how unreasonable she is being.

Hugs,prayers and good thoughts to you.
Kathi

Sorry that this is so tough on you. What she is asking is certainly not fair and she needs to be told. Seems like you have a lot of good advice here. Let your dh do it.
One thing I want to say is be thankful that you still have her to drive you crazy. Some of us will never have another shot to hang up on our mother's when they irritate the bejeezuz of out of us. Perspective...
And get well soon!

I would think if you ask (told) your Doctor he would say NO to a 12 hour drive. You have enough to think about, don't let this upset you.

Hugs,
Donna

I am so sorry you are going thru this. A 12 hour drive is certainly not advisable right after any kind of surgery. Your Mom should think it over and offer to come stay with you and "nurse" you back to health. Sorry she didn't think of it. She seems to mean well, she would like to take care of you, but she's not thinking clearly. Stick to your guns!

This is indeed a situation that needs to aliviate the stress on you. Since Mama does not see the big picture here, maybe it would be best to tell her," surely you would not want to jeopardize my life riding that far." We all know how important, while on a long flight, it is to get up every so often and stretch our legs to prevent blood clotting.

I too think what others have said about being that far from your doctor is not advisable.

Maybe your Mother is jealous of her perception of your relationship with the in-laws.

I wish you the best. My prayers are with you.

Having surgery, then healing, is easier with a positive attitude.

I do believe you would like to have everything even out. Concentrate on yourself. Women are trained to think of others, especially our love ones, first. Now is your turn to think of yourself.

Concerning your relationship with your Mother, what is the worse that could happen? Sounds like she will get over it.

Your mother sounds as if she's scared, too - her way of dealing with it is to make demands.

Try to relax and realize she is handling it the best she can - she may decide to come and stay with you, but if not, tell her 'thanks, but I can't stay with you - you are very welcome to come to our house if you can see your way clear to do so - we'd appreciate your help, but I must be closer to my doctor right at first'.

I am saddened that you are having extra stress at this difficult time - my best wishes are headed your way.

Would you like to be with her?

Do she and your husband get along well?

If your answer is yes to both of the above, have you invited her to come to you instead of the other way around.
Maybe that is what she would really like

All the best to you

Definitely call your Mom and invite her down. She is scared to death and is not thinking clearly.

Thinking about you!

I can't believe your Mom is acting that way! But if you want her to come to your house then I would explain to her that making a 12 hr trip is out of the question and that you can't be that far away from your doctor, but you would love for her to come stay at your house.

I'll be thinking about you!

Wow! Your Mom needs a reality check. I would tell her that if she wants to see you after your surgery, then she needs to come to you. Surgery is not to be taken lightly. Taking a 12 hour trip right after surgery can delay your healing. And wouldn't she really rather you be 3 hours from your doctor in the event that something happens, versus 12 hours?

My thoughts are with you and I hope it works out for you with her. Good luck.

(((HUGS)))

I am so sorry you are having to deal with this on top of everything else. The last thing you need now is additional stress.

I went through something very similar with my mom when I had brain surgery. I agree that your mom is VERY scared right now and not thinking clearly. I don't think she is being selfish, if she was then she would not be offering her help. It is obvious that she wants to help take care of you and maybe was hoping that you would invite her to your house. She may feel that you are shutting her out (my mother felt this way, even though I included her on every detail).

I initially did not want my mom to help out when I came home from the hospital, I thought my DH could manage, but he too needed a break sometimes, so thankfully with my mom there, he was able to take a little breather and because mom's know us better than anyone, she would know what I needed, even before I asked. Doesn't seem to matter how old we are, our mom's in someway still feel responsible for us :)

Don't stress too much on this, you need to focus on positive thoughts and energy. I'm sending a big hug your way!

((((Firemanswife))))

Not much else to add except my Special Thoughts & Prayers are going out to you & your family.

Don't fret about you Mom. Apparently, she is self-centered and is unable to imagine herself in someone else's shoes. She may come around to your point of view, and if not, that's ok too. You don't want her around interferring until she has an attitude ajustment.

((((Firemanswife))))

Like...you have nothing better to do but be concerned about your Mom's sensibilities?
I hope she comes around.
If not, I hope you can shake her off.
Stop answering her calls.
You will need all your strength to get through the next day.
I'm sorry your mother is acting all weird and selfish about this.

Cancer is running it's awful course through the online peeps lately, isn't it?

Damn disease!

I wish you luck firemanswife.
I hope only the best for you.

Lori

Everyone has given you good advice, so have nothing more to add but sending special thoughts and prayers your way.
(((HUGS)))

No matter what, you need to focus on yourself right now. Hopefully your mom will come around and understand why you cannot drive that far after surgery.

We will be thinking of you! (((hugs)))

Sheryl

((((Firemanswife)))

no advice...but I'll sure be thinkin about you...(((Firemanswife)))

Best wishes to you on your surgery & recovery.

Is your mom always like this? Or is she just doing this now because she's upset & worried? That's still no excuse, just a thought. I'm sorry you have to deal with this. 12 hours is a very long drive even if you're feeling well. I've only had minor surgery & I certainly wasn't up to traveling that far afterward. And of course you want to be in your own bed & home. That's where you're most comfortable. Do you want your mom to be with you? If so, just tell her that she's welcome to come to your home but that it's completely unreasonable for her to think that you should travel that far right after surgery.

Hope things improve soon.

Hugs to you!

You'll be in my thoughts & Prayers-

Donna (^_^)

Hey, I haven't been around at the table too much lately, but first of all, just wanted to offer my sincere good wishes for you. I'm so sorry that you are having to have this surgery.
As far as your mom goes, I believe that your mom is probably as terrified and upset about this as you are. She isn't thinking clearly because of her worry. Explain to her that driving 12 hours after surgery would not only be very uncomfortable for you, but also unsafe.
Be sure to thank her so much for her wanting for you to be at her home, but tell her you'd prefer if she goes to you.
Good luck and I hope it all works out. Try to interpret your mom's unreasonable suggestion as her just loving you and worrying about you.
Lu

from my experience, no dr is going to be happy at the 3 hour trip let alone 12 hours in a car...while i was very lucky and didn't have any follow up chemo, i'm still seeing my oncologist at least 2x a year. he has a very strigent recovery plan...

mom probably is thinking if you're at her house she knows where everything is, including grocery, drug store, etc...if she's anything like my mother was, she'd balk at driving in a "strange city"...

i have to agree with the other ladies...this is one time i'd let dh tell her, sorry we're stuck at home for at least 6-8 weeks...shoot my friend had "bandaid surgery" in june, and the doc just released her for "normal" activities...(ovaries removed)

Lots of hugs and positive vibes coming your way!

I think the others have put it in a nutshell....
this is about YOU not Mom and she needs to be set
straight no matter how good her intentions are.

Your health and recovery is more important than her
hurt feelings.

Best wishes for a speedy recovery!

I just want to wish you good luck with your surgery, Firemanswife, and I hope your mother comes to her senses in time for you to focus on what's important, your health and well-being.

I'm sorry you've got the added stress of all this right now.

Thank you all so much for the kind words and support.

I have not spoken to her since all this happened. I am very close with my sister and she agrees with me that going all that way is just insane.

I have told my mom on several occasions to come stay with us and help out. That I am going to need her and my DH is going to need a lot of help also. She won't do it!

I love my mom with all my heart but she has always been very high maintance and is spoiled rotten. My sister and I have always teased how spoiled she is and is just so used to getting her way. I know she is worried about me and the fact that I am not doing everything she says has her totally frustrated.

I am learning there is nothing I can do and this is something she is going to have to deal with.

I only have one chance at healing!!

LOL at Tally NYC! That's what I thought, let your mom's friends tell her she's being nuts.

You will be going through some trying times and surgery is tommarrow (sat). Wishing you all the positive thoughts that the docs do a great job and that your mom comes around to support you in the way that gives you the most satisfaction. The kt will be here when you want to talk. Toni

Oh My, Firemanwife, I feel for you. You have enough going on without having to deal with a *spoiled rotten* Mom. It sounds like her reaction to all of this is not completly unexpected, no surprise. She is 12 hours away and, spoiled or not, I'm sure she would like to be the one to take care of you after your surgery. I'm sure she is worried about you and, reasonable or not, she is feeling frustrated and a little left out. At this point, you have done all you can do. You have talked to her about all of this, you have explained it. The rest is up to her. You need to consentrate on YOU!

I will be keeping you in my thoughts this next week. Good luck and please let us know how you are.

sooey

Sending along my best wishes for a speedy, peaceful recovery.

Dee

((((((fireman's wife ... and family))))))

How is it that some folks just can't seem to realize how selfish that they're being?

Can your sis talk some sense into your Mom?

How about your Dad?

I agree that your hubby should carry the ball - if he gets along at least reasonably well with your Mom.

Does she have a connection with a religious agency?

Maybe someone in your family could put a flea into the ear of the clergy and perhaps instigate them paying a call on your Mom: they deal with illness all the time and can explain to her in no uncertain terms how unreasonable she's being, how stressful even a 3 hour trip is in such a situation, let alone one that goes on and on, and on again ... for 12 hours.

((Maybe she'd offer to charter an air ambulance??))

Really sorry that you're having to deal with this extra load, right now. Sorry too that you have to travel so far - that's surely no fun.

Good thoughts, some good hopes and prayers that things go well during the coming days, with the surgery and all of the rest of it.

ole joyful