I re-read your letter. I applaud you for not abandoning your children, and leaving them to fend for themselves if you left. That is a real father. A father who will make sacrifices for the children. It sounds as if your wife was in the wrong type of counceling. It sounds as though what she really needs are classes in anger management for the well being of your children. Perhaps that is one of the things you will require of her that you will not waiver on. After re-reading your first two posts, I believe that what I suggested in the above two posts sounds like a long shot. And I can imagine how difficult it would be to pull off with a person who is angry and bitter. Especially given how you feel about her. Does she have ANY good points? If so, what are they? I think it would be so depressing to live with someone who has been depressed for 20 years, and is so angry and bitter. If it were me, (OK, I am climbing up on that soapbox for a speech) I think I would tell them that I am sick of them using depression as an excuse for rotten behavior. I would tell her that if it is real depression...meaning chemical imbalance of some sort, then to get herself to a doctor and get her medications right. And if it is depression caused by her own disappointments in life, then suck it up and put a smile on your face and start doing some of the things you need to do. Because the kids and I hate living like this, and your anger and bitterness is destroying our family and the childhood of these children. They do not get a second chance at childhood...this is it, and it is going to be happy from tomorrow on. And if you cannot be a part of making this family a happy and good place to be, then I (meaning you Dave) will step up to the plate and raise these kids and give them that happy, safe childhood. Your 14 year old has so little childhood left, and I (meaning you Dave) am going to make sure it is great! Are you on board, or are you going to continue to hide behind your depression and anger and bitterness, doing your best to make sure home life is crappy for us all? She has a choice to make here. And you may find she is on board, and will begin some new changes, or that she likes being angry and miserable...and then you will know what you need to do. Forgive me for the two messages above, as after I re-read your original posts, I realized how they must sound to someone who is really in the pits in a marriage to someone who is so angry, and bitter all the time. I am not sure any of us could actually rise to the occasion if we were in your shoes and actually pull off what I suggested above. It sounds as if the marriage is just too miserable to actually bring yourself to do as I suggested. Not that it couldn't be done, but it would take a better person than I am to pull it off. Unless she actually makes a decision to change. If she does...perhaps she will surprise you all! In my best pollyanna view...I sometimes think that we can change someone else by being really kind to them. I sometimes have these wierd thoughts that you could take her for a morning of pampering (facial, massage) and then take her for a new outfit, and take just her out to dinner. That by you treating her differently, that maybe she will thaw out, and begin to see herself differently, and begin to change and laugh and smile. That she will "want" to be a better woman for her family. Perhaps it is just wishful thinking...but just maybe????? Anyone, I forget that some people actually "like" to be angry and bitter and miserable all the time. That is their comfort zone. Perhaps she is one of those people. I don't know.

OMG, how did I miss the awkwardness of my subject heading? Good call on the dangling participle thing. I'm a high school teacher, actually, and normally a crazy person about conventions in syntax and grammar... Anyway - thanks to everybody for the warm welcome and the wonderful advice. I've actually been reading your posts for at least 3 or 4 months now. I think I stumbled over here once we were done with our kitchen renovation and the kitchen forum no longer held the same interest. I will definitely look for a couple of the book suggestions that have been recommended...my daughter is a big American Girl nut, so I will look for the one that is offered there. Actually, "Where Did I Come From?" is the one my own parents gave me in the 70s - I'll never forget that the pleasure of sex is described there as something like you might feel when you sneeze! And for another flashback, my daughter actually has my old copy of "Are You There God, It's Me, Margaret?" --I keep hoping she'll pass it over for another title - at least until I've actually had "the talk" with her... maybe this weekend, in honor of her b-day. Thanks so much...

When she was about three, we started calling our youngest child "Avalanche" because it seemed that wherever she went, things collapsed and fell down - store displays, book shelves, stacks of papers, etc. She is 23 now, tall, willowy, beautiful, educated. Never clumsy, actually quite graceful and athletic. Well...This morning she left to teach English in S. Korea for a year, Last night, perhaps as her parting shot, she knocked over a plant her daddy and I received as a wedding present in 1968, just as we were about to sit down to dinner! All our "big kids" and their families (19 of us) were here to say farewell. At the sound of the crash, almost in unison the big kids called, "AVALANCHE!!!" When the cloud of dirt/dust settled, you should have seen the look on her face. Every surface in two rooms was covered in black grit and we had to toss dinner. I have kept that plant alive for 40 years, given it away a hundred times to acquaintances and each of our kids as they married, sort of as a symbol of longevity. As big as the mess was (actually, still is - I have to repot the plant and clean the rooms) I'm oddly glad it happened. My little Avalanche is going to be gone for a year, and I am terribly sad about that.

Just wanted to let all of you know their decision. We tried out all kinds. She liked a lot of them, but they both liked the Joya best for their room. The size and style fits them and it is a little firmer than many of the others which she liked as well. They are getting it in navy. Mtn, in re your comment about the child's rocker, there was one chair at Crate and Barrel that she tried out and her feet did not touch the floor. She looked liked Lily Tomlin as Edith Ann. I thought of you! Ha. So, thank you all for your ideas, suggestions, and kind words. It gave the search some direction, so she wasn't overwhelmed with way too many possibilities-they all seem to blur into a mishmash after a while, don't they? It was also such fun to read all your posts. What a generous group you all are!