he just told me to leave

13 years ago

right now, I swear, he's delusional. A few days ago, everything was fine. Wednesday, we had counseling because of communication issues. We came out solid, and in good spirits. Or he was hiding it. Thursday, I stayed home from work sick. He came home and went straight to bed. Yesterday, after work, he came home and said he needed to go out and get his head together. Last night, I held him while he cried. Then he started saying things that were not true. Things I've done, that I haven't. Things I feel that I don't. I said he was being irrational and there is no rationalizing with an irrational person, I was done talking to him now and we could talk later. He posted on Facebook that I said we were DONE and that I am hateful. This morning he asks if I'm making arrangements, cuz he wants me gone.

So..do I go? now? or do I wait until he comes to his senses?

My god...I went through this with my husband who was eventually diagnosed with schizo-affective disorder, and I damned well won't do it again.

I really have no close friends where I live, only work acquaintances. There is no where I can go...TODAY. Or tomorrow or next week for that matter.

Seriously, there was NO hint this was coming on. I'm not dense. I knew there were issues, and that's why we started counseling.

it's really hard typing through tears..................

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Comments (36)

susie53_gw
13 years ago
If he wants out, tell him he can leave!! Don't make any rush decisions!!
glenda_al
13 years ago
I'm sorry! Can't what to or what not to do.

Holding you in my thoughts that things work out for the best for you.

Hugs to you!
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lydia1959
13 years ago
I'm sorry. It does sound like he is delusional. I wouldn't rush into leaving... is it his house? Is there any chance he could be using drugs that might be causing his behavior? I hope things are better soon. ((Jean))
yayagal
13 years ago
Call the counseling service that you both attended and ask their advice. He's obviously having a silent nervous breakdown and needs treatment. Worse case scenario, if he gets aggressive at all, call the police. Keep your cellphone in your pocket. I know that sounds drastic but one can never be too careful. Does he have any friends that would talk to him?
suzieque
13 years ago
Is he your husband or unmarried SO? (You said you went through something similar with your husband; that's why I ask). That matters, of course, as to what you should do (from a legal perspective, at least). Why should YOU leave? Normally when someone is unhappy they are the one to leave.

How long have you been with him? You said he was crying; I find that a little odd. Not that a man was crying, but I would've more expected him to be haughty or nasty. Any explanation there?
chisue
13 years ago
If you feel this man is delusional, you may be in physical danger and should leave immediately.

Call the counselling service for advice.
graywings123
13 years ago
Get on your local craigslist and look at the listings under housing: sublets/temporary, rooms/shared.

Get out of there and then you can decide whether you have a future with him or not. Staying with him because you have no place else to go is not a good situation.
kayjones
13 years ago
Who owns the residence you are living in? Married or not, states have laws that protect people from being 'kicked' out of their home.

Of course, if you feel he's a physical threat to you, leave now! There are shelters you can live in until you figure out what's going on, but If he's just being mouthy then stand your ground - you have rights, too.
jeaninwa
Original Author
13 years ago
No, we're not married. I've been here over two years, and this is the worst it's been. He says I show him only hate. I shake my head at that. Is it hateful to hold someone while they cry?
This month is the anniversary of the death of his last gf. Not sure of the date, but could be NOW.
He hates his job, so much stress and abuse. He works at a call center for a cable/internet company, and gets calls all day, every day, 5 days a week from 5:30-1:30 with people belittling him, yelling at him, calling him every name in the book. And, all he's doing is trying to help them. If any of you have WOW for your cable or internet provider, please be kind to the call center people. Or to ANY call center people.
I do have someone I can stay with for a little while if it comes to that.
I cannot call the counseling center...it's a private practice, and today is Saturday. I thought of that.
I went out to the grocery store and was gone for about an hour. He's sleeping again. I hope when he wakes up he's back to himself.
We are both on the lease, so he can't just kick me out, but he can make it very uncomfortable to stay. I don't fear for my safety in any way. He wouldn't even shoot a rubber band at me in play. If anything, I fear for HIS safety. That's the first thing I did when I got home, was to check he was ok

For now, I will
OklaMoni
13 years ago
Don't leave. If you name is on the lease, you have every right to stay.

If he really wants out, tell him, here's the door.

Once you leave, you may never be able to go back and get your stuff.

Moni
SunnyDJ
13 years ago
WOW, If you're married and unless you're in physical danger, I wouldn't leave...That could be used against you as abandonment...But, for sure, if you feel he's going to harm you, you can file for a PFA (Protection From Abuse) and they will physically remove him from the house and he won't be allowed within so many feet of you....If you not married, unless it's your house, I don't see any what else you can do...But, you have to make sure you take all your belongings...It would be best, if you could stick it out until you have a plan or money saved up to be able to live on your own.....
My daughter just went through a messy divorce after 29 years of marriage...He had been using drugs and an alcoholic for many of those years but she stuck it out for their 3 children until it got to the point, kids were all out on their own and she really couldn't take it any longer....They talked about a divorce, he agreed and then he went to the bar and came home, threatened her life...After letting him rant for hours, he finally fell asleep and she called her attorney and they went to the police and got the PFA...She was allowed in the house until they sold it and she was awarded all the money from the sale, which was a large amount....She had also been putting money aside so she wasn't really holding the bag when they separated...Of course he didn't know this and expected her to come back needing money...I'm very, very proud of her...She did keep most of this hidden for years and still, will not bad mouth him to the kids...She's has in the mean time moved out of state because she still is afraid of him but she's really gotten very independent......

So sorry you're going through this but hang in there, it will get better......
morz8 - Washington Coast
13 years ago
That's coming from a place I can't really understand, but my sis told me once, 'if I ever marry again it will be to someone who loves his work'. My DH does love his work, always has, he can get up in the morning so stupid happy as he's starting his day sometimes he's hard to be around :)

But my point is I know it can take a huge and sometimes fatal toll on a relationship when a man isn't happy with his job.

Your partner sounds a little fragile right now. I don't know enough about the two of you to really offer advise, but I think I'd do nothing, see if he has an explanation when he's had some rest. I'd keep in mind though, hoping I'm not sounding too harsh, that he wouldn't be the first man to lay a big guilt trip on a woman, try to make her feel should she leave, when he's hiding something guilty himself.

He posted your personal issues on Facebook? I'm assuming I'm older than you are, and married, but any bag I might be packing wouldn't be my own. I know people use social media for all kinds of personal things these days but I find it a little too 'jr high-ish' to tolerate myself.

I'm sorry you're being hurt and I wish things were easier for you this weekend. Life is difficult enough without having the people we trust be hurtful to us, worse when we aren't expecting it.
chisue
13 years ago
Are you saying the counselling center has no one 'on call' for emergencies?

A hospital might be able to refer you.

Our police department has a non-emergency line.
jeaninwa
Original Author
13 years ago
well, it's not a "center" it's one therapist's private practice.
linda_in_iowa
13 years ago
I would think a therapist in private practice would have someone taking calls for her on weekends and at night. Therapists can't just abandon their patients during off hours.
sjerin
13 years ago
Since I'm so bossy, I'll go ahead and say that it sounds like your SO is either having drug/alcohol problems, or is so stressed that he's having a bit of a breakdown. I hope he can see a doctor asap; sometimes in the middle of a traumatic time, it can help to have someone (you) steer the sufferer towards help. Overall, it's harder for men to ask for help. I sure don't envy him his job--sounds awful. Did he ever allow himself to fully grieve for his former gf? My dd lost her bf in an accident and it took her well over a year and some visits with a counselor to deal with it.
samkaren
13 years ago
Jean
Also watch your bank accounts just in case. I don't know if he would take the money you have saved but be cautious. I wasn't in the same situation but when I decided to leave my DH I looked for an apartment right away. As everyone said.....if you feel like you are in danger leave.

I too do not have close friends.....only work aquaintances. But remember this......everyone here at the KT is there for you. I wouldn't have gotten through my mess without their love & support.

SamKaren
your resident DJ
susanjf_gw
13 years ago
it's almost like he's suffering from military pts, only from stress...while you can't do much, without the counselor, you can make sure he's eating properly, no alcohol, and getting some stress relieving exceise...(even a short walk)
pam_25f
13 years ago
I hope things will be better in the morning. I can only imagine the emotions you are dealing with.
jeaninwa
Original Author
13 years ago
thank you all very much. After talking with a close friend, I'm just hanging in there. I left the house for a while. Brought him back fresh bagels which are his favorite. Took a nap this afternoon, and afterward, he asked if I had a nice nap. That's been the extent of conversation, but it was something.

I will continue to be supportive, but not allow abusiveness.
Only time will tell.
He's got it in his head that I don't love him............
glenda_al
13 years ago
Special thoughts that things work out!
fran1523
13 years ago
How much do you care about this man. I would run in the other direction, take care of any financial issues and see a lawyer. I don't see any happy future for you here.
jeaninwa
Original Author
13 years ago
At our last counseling session, he did ask the therapist for referrals to drs who treat depression. He also asked about individual sessions with him. The therapist will have those ready on Wed. when we see him again. This is NOT a bad man. He is going through something I don't understand, but that does not make him a bad man. I love him very much, even tho he hates himself, and feels I do to. And, I know he loves me too.
tami_ohio
13 years ago
Prayers for you both.
suzieque
13 years ago
Jean, how are things today? I hope that you have been able to reach the clinic and I hope that he can get some help for this serious depression. All so very tragic. i hope that progress can be made to help him and, therefore, you. If not, I am afraid that you will just need to distance yourself. You can do only what you can, and he has to be willing to get better. You do not deserve any kind of abuse. Physical, emotional, verbal. Right now, you are experiencing a lot of emotional abuse.
ruthieg__tx
13 years ago
Yes I came back to see if you had been able to get any counseling or any improvement in the situation...Thinking of you.
Alice_sj
13 years ago
Jean, I am very sorry to hear this. I hope that you both get the help that you need to be happy, healthy individuals and together as a couple. Love is worth fighting for, but it also understandable to take care of yourself first. *hugs*
jeaninwa
Original Author
13 years ago
TY you all for your concern.
Yes, things are better. When I was out for groceries, I also stopped by the bagel store and picked up fresh bagels (his fav) and made him coffee when I got home. That really confused him. He asked me why. I said because I love you.

We always hug and kiss before he leaves for work in the morning, and this morning, he held me soooooooooooooo tight.

I made an appt. for today for him, but he didn't get my message, because he never thought to charge his phone all weekend. So, since I didn't hear from him, I went instead.

The counselor said I was doing the right thing. In fact, he was rather impressed that in the midst of everything, I went and got the bagels, and made him coffee. When I got home...he's talking to me. I told him I would never leave him, even if he told me to. He had tears in his eyes. We have a joint appt. on Wed. That may be a good time to bring this all up.

Thanks again for all the advice, encouragement and good thoughts
suzieque
13 years ago
Good. I'm glad that today is a better day. Of course, tomorrow may not be as good, or may be better. I hope that the doctor can help (can he/she prescribe anti-depressants or would you have to see a separate specialist for that?).
jeaninwa
Original Author
13 years ago
the counselor is getting referrals together for us. Oh, we know it may/probably happen again. That's why we are in counseling. We know. And we know we need help.
katlan
13 years ago
Jean I have been thinking about you since your first post. I pray things will get better for both of you. Kudos to you for sticking around. No one EVER said it would be easy. That's what love it, you stay.

I know there are times when the right decision is to leave. I think you're the only one that can determine that. It sounds like he can be helped, which means you will be helped.

Too many people are ready to bail at the first sign of a rough spot. There's a whole lot less "stick-to-it-tive-ness" in our world today.

I hope you guys can get this worked out and make the decisions that are right for you.

Take care.
chisue
13 years ago
It does sound as though you each need some individual counseling -- to be two individuals, each standing secure -- choosing freely to be together, neither of you dependent on the other to stay upright.

Glad you are *both* going to address your individual issues and 'couple' issues.

IMO everyone can benefit from a reassessment of his own character at least once in adult life. (We all have internalized some mistaken 'child think' beliefs.)
sjerin
13 years ago
It sounds like you're both moving in a positive direction--so glad to read it! Thanks for posting, Jean.
amyfiddler
13 years ago
I've heard this before and it's true for me. We are still together because we never fell out of love at the same time.

Leaving seems so simple but working through stuff is what refines us. Good luck to you.
suzieque
13 years ago
>> We are still together because we never fell out of love at the same time.

Wow, Amy. I love that.
phoggie
13 years ago
Quite some time ago, I dated a guy for several years who was like this....many years wasted!..... He would flair up and tell me we were done, then he would call and say he had tickets to Vegas! Ups and downs went on and on...then in a rage he put his hands around my neck...that ended it..I was out of there. He was by-polar, would not admit it or take meds for it. Depression to manic and back within a day!..it will make an old woman out of you trying to keep up with his moods...for me it is good riddance!

he just told me to leave

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