My ex told me he is still in love with me.

20 years ago

What would you do? Isn't it ironic when you get married how ex's want to come back around? I always have advice for everyone else so I'm going to listen to what everyone else has to say. I have been married for a little over 2 years, things are going well but the sex truthfully just isn't good to me. I overlooked the not so good sex because he has other great qualities that i love about him and i said we can always work on the sex. I was with my ex before him and we broke up because my ex chose to leave me and yes i was devastated and i was really in love with him and never fell out of love. The thing is he left i hadn't heard from him in over a year and after a year a wonderful man came in my life and we got married. I did tell him i was still in love with me ex and it's not a good idea to marry but i let him pressure me into marriage. Things are going well as i said just not in the sex department. I was never physically attracted to him.

Now my ex shows up, yes the one that i never fell out of love with even though he chose to leave and all of those feelings for him are coming back. Ladies and you know when we have a man that can put it down sexually we go crazy anyways. He told me that he never stopped loving me and he is still in love with me. I didn't want to play into it so i said is that right and just walked away. But the truth of the matter is i never fell out of love with him.

Would you divorce and go back to the good ding-a-ling and just deal with some of the other issues or would you stay with the man with the great qualities and bad sex?

I'm laughing because i know i'm going to get alot of funny posts off of this one. I know one will be an ex is a ex for a reason.

Featured Answer

biwako_of_abi

20 years ago

I just reread your post, Rosewood, and now I guess I won't worry about you, if you can be laughing about what funny advice people may send in. Even your final question seems to be more a way to provoke conversation than a real request for advice.
If this situation is real, I *am* still worried for the sake of your husband, though.

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Comments (18)

Karen_sl
20 years ago
God no....you need to grow up.
You can work out the sex issues with new hubby...you can be that the first one will get a piece of action and leave you again.
I believe there is more to love than just good or bad sex..
and you know that a good part of your satisfaction is in your own hands.
Karen L
asolo
20 years ago
Keep reality and fantasy on their appropriate shelves. Or if you're dissatisfied and see you always will be then get out now. However, don't get out to chase after the other fellow. There will always be temptations to chase after. The world is already over-populated with rudderless/goal-less vessels.
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biwako_of_abi
20 years ago
There is so much more to marriage than sex. Quite apart from the fact that your present DH deserves better than you leaving him (It was awful when the ex did it to you, right? Apply the Golden Rule.) and the fact that your ex has no rights whatsoever anymore, I think Karen is right: Your ex has shown what sort of man he is, and there is no guarantee that he wouldn't do the same thing all over again.

Sometimes we need to work on our own minds so as to fall out of love with people like that. I can understand where you are coming from, because in my foolish youth, I was also in love with someone who made me miserable, really a completely selfish guy. It is strange how that attraction can make one want to find a way to get around the ugly facts of a person's character, but I did it by keeping on reminding myself of what he did to hurt me and of what that showed about his character.

Your ex does not deserve, or have a right to, any sympathy from you at this point. (I know you didn't say so, but I think he might appeal to you for sympathy.)

So ask yourself, what do these facts tell you about the ex?
1. He left you.
2. He wouldn't mind breaking up your marriage, just so
  long as he can have what he wants and once threw away.
  That is a terribly selfish and irresponsible attitude.
  
  If I were you, when I find myself thinking that "all of those feelings for him are coming back," I would go over points 1 and 2 above, reminding myself that this is not a great tragic love story, but something to forget, and then redirect my thoughts to something else--find something very interesting: a great book, a crafts project, or sit down and make a list of the good things about the "wonderful" (your word!) man you are married to.
And don't give the ex any more chances to plead with you, either. The time to do that would have been before you remarried. There are even some people who leave mates who love them and then the minute someone else wants them or marries them, THEN the exes find their discarded mates desirable again and want them back.

Sorry if this is too long. With my history, I can't help feeling anger and disgust towards your ex, but for you, I have a lot of sympathy. I know how hard it is to control one's heart; controlling one's head makes it easier. I hope you will make the right decision about this and not break your DH's heart and quite likely have your own broken again by your ex someday.
carla35
20 years ago
It does sound like you and your first husband are probably a lot better suited for each other.
popi_gw
20 years ago
Biwako

Excellent advice. I agree with you.

Rosewood...you seem very flippant about your situation. Its not funny, is it ?
robinwv
20 years ago
DON'T believe the ex! He just wants what he can't have - as soon as he has you, he'll be gone again! Been there - done that! Thank God I didn't bite! And yes, he is your ex for a REASON! Sex is not everything in a marriage - you can have sex with a vibrator! Think seriously about what you will be leaving, the effect it will have on both you and your current hubby, and then take a long hard look at what you will be getting into. Is sex worth it, if there is nothing else? If that is what you want - get the vibrator - because it would be the same thing!
aaronsmallets_hotmail_com
18 years ago
Some of these postings on here disgust me. Has anyone ever been in love???? I say if you're still in love with this man go for it. You said it yourself you told your current husband you were still in love and he still pressured you to marry. So if it's the other love that splits the marriage it's just as much his fault as yours.
True, this guy broke your heart before, but sometimes it takes certain life events to find how you truly feel about a person..and if this person has finally come to that point, and realized his feelings then great.
The worst that can happen in this scenario is you break up your marrieage...get this guy back..he leaves you...then you're alone again, to go out and discover more but without that question haunting you for the rest of your life.

Never settle. We only live once...there's no reason to waste a lifetime with someone that makes your feel "okay" then take the jump and get the person that makes you change the world. Too many people settle for "okay" and I think that's a waste. Madonna had it right "don't go for second best baby put your love to the test"

And just the fact that the best you can say about the man you're with is that he has "great qualities"...says a lot. not a lot of romance in that sentence.

If the sex is bad...it means there's no passion...if there's no passion...move on.

Good luck...please let me know how this goes or went.
sweeby
18 years ago
If she hadn't actually married husband # two, that advice wouldn't be quite so putrid.

But she did.
And now she owes him honorable treatment.
Well, she owed him that anyway, but the standard for what constitutes honorable treatment is higher when you're married.

Yes, it's important to have a 'spark' in a relationship.
But there's far more to a successful marriage than passion in the bedroom.
Ex already proved that he's not successful relationship material, and the fact that he would come crawling around to possibly destroy Ex-wife's marriage all for his own selfish sexual conquest proves that he still doesn't have what it takes to make a marriage work.
And if OP, knowing all that, decides to have a fling with Ex, then she doesn't deserve the good man she's got.

I hope you do a lot more growing up before you get married Aaron.
finedreams
18 years ago
I don't believe this post is real. Sounds too immature.
asolo
18 years ago
"Immaturity" is precisely where a huge proportion of our society lives. I have no trouble accepting likely authenticity of the the post. The world in which I live is well-populated with adults having the minds of children. I'll bet yours is, too.
finedreams
18 years ago
I just think this it is unrealistic: She told him she is still in love with someone else but he still wanted to marry her. In fact he pressured her to marry. How is that possible? And now this guy who is good in bed comes around. What a temptation..How did she put it: good ding-a-ling. lol It sounds dumb, excuse my language.
noah99
18 years ago
I hope all of you read what she just wrote:...

"Things are going well as i said just not in the sex department. I was never physically attracted to him. "

I don't know what the deal is with you and your ex, even though to me i agree he isyour ex for a reason...but you married a man that you were never physically attracted to??? I mean..come on..i know personality is a huge part of a relationship but if you arent physically attracted to someone you shouldnt even think about being with them...let alone marriage! What is going on here?!
carla35
18 years ago
Hey guys, you do know this post is way over a year old? I bet she's on to some new lover by now.
scarlett2001
18 years ago
Well, Prince Charles had it right when he said "Whatever love is..."
pris
18 years ago
Blame it on aaron, looks like he's the one that "bumped" it to the top.. I have better things to do than look for old posts to disagree with.
suelien
17 years ago
The key question is whether you would have stayed with your husband long-term and been happy if the ex had not reappeared. I already knew I was leaving my husband and could not continue living with him and be happy long-term. I was lucky because I was separated/almost done with my divorce when my ex reappeared, so I had much less conflict and no regrets. Hope that helps! Good luck!
profitannette_yahoo_com
15 years ago
Do you believe you deserve a ding a ling or a good man?
Why did the ding a ling leave you?
Once shame on him
twice shame on you

My ex told me he is still in love with me.

biwako_of_abi

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