I think everyone has "family secrets." I know my family is full of them (shock treatments, locking children in closets, raising other relatives' kids, "premature" babies, etc.).

The best one I found out - just by Internet research, and by pure chance - is that my mother's parents married about 4 months before she was born. I find this hilarious, especially when I consider how judgmental my mother is, with regard to people getting pregnant outside of marriage. I'm holding this little "secret" until I need it - it will be my ace up my sleeve should my daughter get pregnant. LMAO I will zing her with it and shoot her right out of the sky.

Grwat attitude, Chloecat. I've heard some strage stories about the past, inckuding my best friend who had a sister and niece killed in a horrific car-train crash just before my friend was born. Looking at the situation with my Dad, I think Mom is right. Everyone involved is gone, and I know for sure my parents were legally married in 1946 and all 4 kids are definitely "legitinate" so I shoudn't obsess about this.

I bet most families have secrets as well. They are interesting bits of knowledge but certainly not worth frettng or obsessing about. The past is over and done with. We cannot correct it. I believe in living in the present because we can't predict the future. All we can do is try and make our own lives happy.

And my three siblings and I get along well. We are all looking forward to a wedding next year, the first of the "next generation". My niece (sister's daughter) is planning her wedding for August 2012. Now I have to think of a nice hand-made gift for her. Embroidered pillowcases or a knitted afghan?

Take a deep breath, and don't let this bother you that much. The situation you describe was VERY common back in the days before it was 'okay' for a woman to be a single mother. And really, is it all that much different than things are today? When young girls get preg. and let their parents raise their child? The only difference really, is the secrecy. But as you noted, the shame factor was very different in those days. Your father would have had major problems growing up if his true parentage was known.

Of course, you have to understand, our family background includes: a similar 'adoption' where an aunt and uncle raised the out-of-wedlock child of one of their nieces, a bank robber, 6 suicides, embezzlement from a charitable organization, stealing from a relative....and a few other juicy scandals. None committed by my husband or I, thank goodness, but the point is ALL families have issues in their past. Some are better covered than others, of course. But you just look at the situation, find the good in it, laugh about the rest and go on.

My family has its share of secrets! Especially my mother's side--she would never talk about any "flaws" in her family, but my aunt told me about all the skeletons in the closet.

My parents also led me to believe that their generation, and their parents' generation were much more moral than people today. I have learned that they were just more discreet!

My parents never told us, that our oldest brother had a different dad. We (sis one year younger than me and I) found out, by snooping... in dads papers one day, when we were 12 and 13.

Then we did some math, and found out, I was "on the way" when my parents got married. I am my fathers oldest child.

My sis (same one mentioned above) didn't tell her oldest that he was adopted by hubby number two, till he was 13, and had lots of questions.

History does sometimes repeat itself.

Moni

I have to throw in an anecdote about snooping children. My husband and I were both married previously. Never discussed with our two children, just not important, and way back nearly 40 years ago. Anyway, our older daughter "Patricia" went snooping in Dad's drawers, found his divorce decree. His first wife was named Patricia. So our daughter concluded she must have been named after this other woman named Patricia. She thought I wasn't her real mother. She told our other daughter about this. . If only they would have asked us, we'd explain and give dates of the marriages, divorces, etc, which makes them both fully legitimate and my children. By the way, our Patricia was named after my husband's sister, her Aunt Pat. So much for children snooping...

Whenever I get together with my cousins on my dad's side, our parents are all deceased now, one of us will say "Now we can talk about anything, like cancer or that our great uncle Louie jumped off the Golden Gate Bridge". When we were kids, the big C was never discussed and of us, somehow, found out about great uncle Louie.

I know obssessing over things isn't good but holding in things you want to talk about isn't good either. There are 2 types of people (well probably more) --- Those who don't like to talk about things. (They sweep problems under the carpet thinking hopefully they will go away they generally don't like confrontation. And, that's fine for them but if you are not that type of person, it's hard). And then there are people who like to talk about problems and bring things out in the open to resolve. Sometimes tears flow and voices get raised... but things are out in the open. I personally see no harm in talking about it (but that's me). I think talking about it may help you come to terms with it and the fact that you think you can't is disturbing you and making you obssess.

If you don't feel you should discuss with relatives, maybe a counselor would help but I really would feel no need to hold it in forever if you don't want to.

My in-laws are hiding a secret and I think it's really bad that they are doing so. When it gets out, someone is going to be really hurt -- more about the fact that they weren't told than about the actual secret.

We 4 kids are still planning a memorial for our parents. Dad died in 1998 and was cremated, Mom passed this January. My Brother is the executor and still getting ready to sell their house. Anyway, when we have the memorial, I intend to discuss our parents' adoptions and hopefully lay everything to rest. I certainly don't think any less of my parents because they had somewhat muddled beginnings. I know in 1920 an illegitimate birth was a scandal, not so much today.

I've seen a lot of families healed when 'secrets' are cleared up. Where truth is not, fear and evil are free to work.

I co-led a search and support group for adult adoptees and birthfamilies for 15 years. I saw many fearful adoptive parents (belatedly) stop fearing that they would be replaced if their children ever met or knew their birthfamilies. I saw adoptees stop feeling they had to protect their adoptive parents from those fears, lest they lose those parents too. I saw birthparents able to stop fearing what might have happened to their babies.

jannie -- The shame is that your father's birthmother (and her sibs who 'knew') were afraid to express love for him. The natural affection he would have felt for his sisters was something they had to fear because of this perversion of truth.

The attraction your father felt towards his genetic sisters is natural. It's something our support group taught our searchers to understand.

When Mom brings New Baby home, the family bonds -- in appropriate roles. If Baby is estranged from his family, natural familial attraction is confused -- and can be mis-interpreted as sexual attraction by adult family members (inappropriate roles).

None of our searchers believed this emotion could overwhelm *them* -- until they had searched and found. Not every person experienced it, but many did -- both those searching and those found. Because they knew this emotion could occur, most remembered to let things settle so that the desired relationships could take shape. A few were carried away, temporarily complicating or completely ruining lasting bonds.

There are no *good* family secrets that last beyond the opening of Christmas presents. It's sad that secrets do so much harm within a family, especially as they are so often created to deflect the temporary disapproval of strangers -- who will gossip anyway, and who couldn't care less in the long run.

this is such a sore subject for us, as well...fil kept a dd and ex-WIFE! secret from dh along with his mother having a ww2 baby (we're assuming the unmarried dad was in the service and didn't return)

i on the other hand had a half sister and knew about her from day one..she had 2 girls who the same age as i was, lol..we loved each other and were friends til the day she died...

fil is now 88, in frail health, anas much as wanting to know the "rest of the story" hesitate in doing so...while half dd is active in our lives, the half brother who dh was raised with has cut off contact..he's a alcoholic who wants beer more than family...

My husband has a skeleton in his closet I actually found funny. His mother was the youngest of three children. Her parents were both Italian. Grandpa Paul (Paulo), her father, was married in Italy and had several children, then around the time of World War One, he abandoned the family, came to America on a boat, married and started his second family, which included his third US baby daughter, who was my husband's mother. She was embarassed about this but apparently knew all along. Her older sister (my hubby's aunt) loved gossip and talked very freely about Paulo's questionable behavior. I simply find it interesting that hubby has relatives in Italy he's never met.

I have a very interesting one also.. My GG-Grandmother Sarah Bailey Moore Henderson.. she first married a Lewis Witcher.. then 6 months later married my GG-Grandfather John Hutchinson Henderson, using her maiden name on the license..... 4 months later gives birth to a baby boy who only lived 4 months... the next year's census shows Lewis Witcher living with her parents... So whose baby was this?.. Lewis's or John's?.. did she know John, he left then Lewis came along and married her, then John showed back up??? Or did she have an affair with John while married to Lewis?... Poor ole Lewis died in the Civil War... I have ask my oldest living cousin if she knew anyting about it, thinking she might keel over with a heart attack after even hearing about it.. she didn't know a thing but had always wondered why John married a woman (Sarah) quite a bit older then him. Mystery indeed that will never be solved....

Whether you tell or not will depend much on your family's set of conditions. My grandmother birth came about due to destitute conditions after the Civil War. She was born out of wedlock. Her mother sacificed her dignity to get food for her younger brothers. Her father had died of disease in a Union prison. Their farm had been sold by the county to settle the estate and to pay property taxes. After the sale, she was left with a paltry $100 or so and was homeless.

My grandmother grew up, married and had 10 children. Here's how ahe handled the problem. When each child became old enough to understand (9 to 11 yrs ols), she took the child aside and expalined who she really was and who her biological father was. This was done to prevent intermarriage with a close relative. This was a very valid reason for revealing the truth.

No big secrets in our family, well, except for the fact that my dad's father lied to his 2nd wife about his age. When she passed, a friend of dad's spoke up about the birth year on grandfather's grave marker.. Said, I went to school with your dad and I know he was older than XX years. Turns out granddad was afraid 2nd wife wouldn't date him if she thought he was 'that much older than she'.. shaved off about 5 years. He was a lawyer & judge... wThe family just laughs & laughs about that one!!

In my family we don't have family secrets because in the last 100yrs or so, most of them have been published on the post office wall.

LOL lazy pup thats funny