Family secrets are toxic.

My DH didn't discover he was adopted until he was in his 40's. His adoption as an infant by two people over 40 was 'washed' through an agency. Money accomplishes wonders.

His adoptive father -- the one of the two who wanted a child and needed the adoption kept secret (to 'prove' his manhood) -- died when DH was 10. The secret was kept. DH thought all his life that he would be like his father and all of his male 'relatives'; they all died of heart ailments before age 60. He wondered why his adoptive mother was so cold.

Don't perpetuate 'family secrets'. They destroy families.

My grandfather, who I never knew, was a bigamist. Seems he married in another state, then deserted his family, moved, and married my grandmother. She did not find out until long after his death.

A friend of mine's father tells the story that, around 1920, his newborn baby sister died at home and his mother was so distraught that the father went out immediately and "got" another baby sister. No one ever knew where the baby came from, and there are no records whatsoever of the first baby's death or burial.

Are you really sure you want to share all your secrets with the whole internet? We need to be careful with information.

Well, if there are any secrets, they are very well kept. I don't know of any in our family. I think we're pretty much an open book.

Much like chisue, my father was adopted just 1 day after his birth. he never knew until he was drafted into the army prior to WW2 and the state sent him his real birth certificate. He was shocked to say the least. In talking to one of his best friends growing up, they were all having soda in a diner, and he walked in white as a sheet and told them what he had found.
After he served in the war, his adopted parents legally adopted him. He was in his late 20's by then.
A stroke of luck happened, when my brother called and said he had found a lockbox in the garbage that belonged to my dad. It was outside in the rain, and about 10 minutes from being picked up by the garbage men. Inside where his adoption papers, handwritten on small stationary. I have spent years trying to track down my dads birth parents, and have finally come to the realization that they had to have used fake names. His birth was even listed in the papers, naming a hospital, but according to the papers I found he was born at the home of a nurse/midwife.
Dad's adopted mother was a sibling of a well known doctor, and I am sure how this was slipped by.

Trin

I'm adopted (at birth), and always knowing I was adopted I can only say this...adoption should never be a secret. There's no reason for it and no good can come of it. It amazes me the number of people who think they have to keep it a secret. For what reason would someone even consider keeping something like that a secret I just don't know.
People are idiots.

chisue's right, of course;
family secrets are toxic.

They protect only the ones who are guilty or ashamed.

but I think the thread's initial topic was maybe directed at the kind of secret that's now ancient history...

& in any case, I'm a big believer in rooting up shameful behavior & exposing it to fresh air & sunshine.

Keeping a "family secret" so often enables & perpetuates evil.

& some things don't have to do with evil but with shame:

I was 18 years old before I knew my father had been married before he met my mother (the first wife married him for his WWII GI allotment, & while he was at scenic places like North Africa & Anzio, she met someone with lots of money & sent the person-who-wasn't-yet-my-Daddy a Dear John letter).

My mother claimed that I hadn't been kept in the dark on purpose, that the subject just never came up.

huh??

I think my mother was ashamed of my father, ashamed that she'd settled for used goods.

& some things really are evil, & some things are kept secret because they might not be evil but they might be:

I also didn't know until I was over 50 that my mother's mother was not the first wife of my mother's father (follow that??).

He was gone before I was born, but from what I've heard & pieced together, he was a mean devil.

He'd had 2 wives & several children before my grandmother.

They all died.

The 2nd wife & the children supposedly died in an influenza epidemic, but no one seems to know what happened to the first wife.

I think the first wife was kept secret for a "real" reason, & the 2nd wife & the children were kept secret because the first wife had been kept secret.

joann -- I'm not worried about anyone reading what I've posted. Heck, DH has been on "Oprah"! He, DS and I have been interviewed many times as we fought for open records for adoptees. It can't be a *secret* after nationwide media 'exposure'.

Our secrets are not that exciting. My Father's parents were not married until after their 4th child. As you know this was not normal for the times. My Father lied about almost everything having to do with his family. He told me for years that he was a twin. Not according to his birth certificate! He was a single birth. My Mother's mother did everything in her power to keep my Mom from having a normal relationship. She busted up my Mom's first marriage. My brother has only recently found his dad. He is a lovely man and I think of him as family. He tells me everytime he sees me how beautiful I am, just like my mom. My Grandmother tried to hire someone to kill my dad. She did not try very hard, but still....

I think that is it. Most of my family is dead so they won't mind!

Trish

I can not think of any secrets! hummmmm!

Doing genealogy *often* turns up family 'secrets'. I've never seen any that were beneficial to a family. Usually they exist, as Sylvia says, due to someone's fear, selfishness or unnecessary *shame*. They drive people crazy!

mrsmarv -- I've found that often adoption is kept secret (or put on the Do Not Discuss Fully List) by adoptive parents who are insecure that they ARE parents. They fear the blood tie is stronger. I've seen a lot of adoptive parents only fully relax after their adoptee has met birth family -- and is still coming home for Sunday dinner. Sad. So many insecure years.

All my husband knew about his Uncle Jimmy was that he died in a car crash. When DH became an adult, his Mom said Jimmy was drunk driving.

I didn't know that I had a half-brother until I was 51 in 2005. I found him in June 2008 & we met for the first time this past November where he drove from Colorado to be with me on my birthday. One of the most special days of my life. I was lucky to have a "Happy Ending" or Begining in this case and am getting to know him. It turns out that even though he had things rough, he turned out to be a wonderful man and his family means everything to him.

But finding that information out was like a kick in the heart. I understand why my Mother & Father felt they had to keep this secret. (He was my Mother's child) But, I couldn't understand, why, once I was an adult, they felt they couldn't tell me. I couldn't act on finding my brother until they both passed--a promise to my dying father.

Now, I wonder what my Mother felt everytime his birthday came around or a holiday. Did she think of him or try to forget??? She gave up so much & she lost so much, not knowing him. But I never knew the circumstances about his conception, so I will always have questions that can't be answered. I feel like he was cheated & I was cheated from not even knowing he was out there. I would have looked for him in a heartbeat years ago.

ITA with sue. "Your only as sick as your secrets" The truth may hurt, but lies hurt much worse & do more damage, imo.

When my mother and father were dating,father was in marines when he came home my mother got pregnant only thing was she was seeing another man,well down the road 25 years,
I met the man and by darn he looks just like this other man.We use to sit on floor watching tv and wed say who are you,you dont look like the rest of us,We could see it then but nobody ever said till I was at my grandmothers funeral,I asked my aunt she said yes the other man was his father.

chisue ~ Thank goodness my parents weren't worried about being "real" parents because I've always known. I adored my parents and wish they were still with me. My dad died when I was in my early 30's and my mom died when I was in my early 40"s. They were the most wonderful, courageous, strong, caring, intelligent, loving, funny, honest and hard working people and I am blessed to have had them as my parents.
I've never felt the desire or need to seek out my biological life-givers because, to me, it just doesn't matter. My parents are my parents and there could never be anyone else. I miss them and think about them every single day.

I heard a story from my Grandmother about one of her female relatives who killed someone in the late 1800s. My aunt is so embarrassed by the story, that she refuses to let us talk about it.

I found this article online, but it says the husband was the killer, not the woman. Makes me wonder if someone covered it up or if we have two murderers in the family.

And, it's very odd, because of all the stories I've heard about this man, he wasn't a killer.

Here is a link that might be useful: New York Times - Charged with Murder

joann-I don't think my "secret" was much of a secret.It was written up in a newspaper and all of the family knew about it.The thing that bothered me about it was the fact that he got public recognition for it!

Fascinating stories! I personally subscribe to the "keep the family secrets within the family" group - I know secrets about my family, have a few of my own. Couldn't imagine posting them on the internet.
But certainly enjoyed reading all of yours.
Suzan J

Yeah, I do, but I would have to kill you, if I told. :)

Moni

In 1949, my sister had a baby and abandoned her in the Greyhound bus station.

My husband's father killed someone and moved to Cedar key, Florida in the 1930's (maybe '20's) and took the name Collins, but I think his real name was Brannon.

Wow, so interesting!

I had an aunt who raised one of her grandchildren as her child...She had two older daughters...one of them was the boy's mother...he probably to this day thinks she was his sister unless someone has told him...But I remember when his "sister" died he still called her his sister.

But in my family...my aunt that raised me and all her children...nope no secrets..we all still live in the same town we were raised in. With the exception of one who has passed away. We are all just a big fun loving, boring family.

i don't, but dh did..he was 16 when he found out older bro was half bro. and was 51 whe we found out his father had a first wife in alaska, and had fathered a dd...

my father was always up front and knew my half sister from the get-go...and i'm so grateful we had that relationship altho' she was old enough to be my mother...she passed 10 years ago but still miss her...

I found out a few years ago that my dad had a baby sister who died. Also found out his mother had to go to a sanitarium after the baby died. She died sometime after that herself. Not sure if she killed herself or what. My dad always told me that she died of TB in a sanitarium. My dad was about 4 when she died. I feel so bad for him and his younger brother. They were sent to live with their grandparents, along with a female cousin (who my dad has found again after so many years!). The grandfather was pretty hateful, grandmoter was wonderful and strong woman. My dad writes and calls his long lost cousin who he says is like a sister to him, very often now. I'm glad he found her again.

My husband's Grandfather had a wife and children in Italy. He came to the US alone in the early 1910's (teens?) and started another family. His second daughter with the US family was my husband's mother, my MIL. The Grandfather was an International Bigamist! Reminds me of a joke. Why a man would get married once is a mystery, why he'd get married twice is a bigamystery.

My sister-in-law's great-grandfather was a serial bigamist. The family only figured this out in the past 15-20 years. He'd get married, father a few kids, and then move on. He'd change his name, find a new bride, father a few kids, and move on again. Probably 3 separate families were started, maybe more, and each with a new last name/identity.

I know some family secrets about several in my family. And that's where my reply ends!

I think if you look at the 'time periods' for some of those 'family secrets' and take that into account, it's understandable why they weren't spoken about. My great aunt was married & divorced during the 2nd world war -- and returned to her maiden name -- she taught school & I think it would have affected her ability to obtain a teaching position. Also her ex was a homosexual trying to 'go straight'... or maybe bi-sexual.. Certainly something not talked about at the time...
And then take into account discussion of these types of things was never appropriate in front of children... If nothing else, think of "Kids say the darnest things"..

I've been married for 28 years - but it's my second & that surprises some people ... It's not like I feel the need to introduce myself & give out my marital history...

I didn't know that my mom had a miscarriage in the 40's until this year.. And that was due to my nephew's wife losing their 2nd in utro at 5 months... But she shared that so that her grandson's wife would not feel alone in her sorrow and know that it doesn't mean you'll not carry to term in other pregnancies..

If you don't have a family secret, it's probably because it's really a secret. LOL!

I couldn't think of any, but now Gaylemarie has me thinking...hmmm

This is very interesting reading.

I'm sure there are family secrets in my family but no one clued me in. It's probably because when I was in third grade my mother asked me to walk to the dentist office in our neighborhood and bring home a package. I did. But I also looked inside and found my Mom's new set of dentures sealed in a water filled plastic bag. I stopped at the little candy store on the way home and apparently showed them to everyone. My Mom was mortified because she had never told anyone she had dentures. I still remember her telling me that I shouldn't divulge family secrets. After that there were lots of silences when I waked into the room and found my Mom and Dad whispering.

My youngest could never keep a secret as a child. He told everyone what was wrapped and under the tree for them. We finally had to keep him out of the loop.

I've been away from KT for a few weeks and just came back. This is a very interesting Post.

Now if I told it wouldn't be a secret anymore, would it? :)

Sue

very interesting post.

My goodness! I never want to hear or read another word about the morals of today after reading this thread! What fun, though. Does my family have skeletons in the closet? You bet! But I always thought we were the only ones who did.

Sherry

I found out one of my cousins had an out of wedlock baby girl in 1969, she was just 19 at the time. The child would be 40 years old today. My cousin has been looking to get in touch with her for the last 10 years. She knows her first name is "Denise" but nothing else.

my sister had a baby in 1971 and she didnt know anything about her either. She contacted the home where she was when she gave her up and they helped look for her. She just found her now and she has met with her once. Her adopted parents changed her name so that didnt do any good. Good Luck to your cousin.

My secret is a Civil War story. My g-grandmother was living in Missouri with her father when the war came to Missouri. Her mother had died shortly after giving birth to twins: a girl and a boy. Her father was conscripted into the Confederate Army and he was soon taken prisoner and held in a prison camp at Alton, IL. After a couple of months, the father died of dysentery. (The whole camp was sickened with it and about 1/3 died.)

Meanwhile, back at the farm my g-grandmother (16 yrs old) had in her charge her 14 yr old brother and the baby boy. An older, married sister (18 yr old) had taken the baby girl. G-grandmother was destitute. It was cold and they were out of food. She approached the local grocer and tried to arrange running a tab until she and her brother could find ways to earn some money and possibly plant a crop in the spring. The grocer refused, but he did offer a proposition: If she would go to bed with him, he would give her some food. My g-grandmother agreed. She bargained away her dignity to get some food and help save the baby. The baby boy survived; His little sister died. A pregnacy resulted by the grocer and we can not find any more record of him. About 1 yr after g-grandmother birthed a girl, an Irish Carpenter married her and relieved her misery. That pregnancy was my grandmother.

Grandmother picked up some wood working skills from her adoptive dad. Later Grandmother married, had children and after a couple of moves found themselves in the new state of Oklahoma. Eventually, they put together enough money to purchase a farm of their own. That prarie house is yet in use. The original kitchen had a dirt floor until about 1945. Grandmother's caprentry skills can be found therein. Hanging on the kitchen walls is a set of cabinets she constructed.

When each of Grandmother's children became 10 to 12 years old, she would take them aside nad tell who she really was. This was done to prevent an accidental intermarriage with a close relative. My mother did not pass the full truth. Her version sugar coated the story and used muffled terms to such a degree that it was undecipherable.

I had forgotten about it until I uncovered it while working on my family tree and conferred with some 1st and 2nd cousins who had the story.

By the way, the baby boy who survived became a sucessful wheat farmer.

my grandfather was born out of wedlock to his 15 yr old mother. When her father found out about the pregnancy, he demanded a wedding and the boy ran. The grandparents (they would have been my Great, great grandparents) ended up raising him. I understand they were very mean and not very loving - openly called him a b*st*rd. He grew up hard and fast through the great depression. Later he married and had 2 children of his own. His wife died when when my father was 5. He immediately remarried her best friend. Although the remained married until both their deaths,(almost 65 years) I often wondered if they married out of need or love. Regardless, he was very successful, generous and respected farmer.
My family tree, however is almost impossible to figure out...

I remember my Grandma telling me my Dad (born in 1926) was a preemie, that's why they were only married 4 months when he was born!! 7lb preemie!! LOL

DH's adoptive mother pretended to be pregnant (pillow under the skirt stuff), then they claimed DH was premature and had to stay in hospital for three weeks before they could bring him home. (During that time he was at Catholic Charities.) The farce continued. He was made to take swimming lessons a a young child 'to strengthen his lungs'.

DH was nine pounds twelve ounces at birth.

"nine pounds twelve ounces at birth"

That sounds so funny, but I bet people still do this kind of thing & don't think anybody sees through it.

My aunt told me a haunting story once:

She went to a country school with a girl whose mother died.

This girl lived on an isolated farm with her father;
he wasn't at all sociable, & they never saw anybody from one year to the next.

One year, when the classmates were about 13 or 14, the girl simply didn't show up for school, & she never came back.

A couple of years later, the girl's father brought her, & her baby, into town.

The farm was isolated;
there were no boys around.

Nobody ever said a word.

I bet that still goes on all the time, too.

It's amazing when you start checking records how many 7# preemies were born!

About those premies...

My daughter had a premie...he was born about 6 years too early....but it was not kept a secret. I loved her anyway....still do...and I love that grandson...

I wish it wouldn't have happened that way...but sometimes things that others think should be kept secret turn out to be real blessings.

patti

Lol! pattico - a preemie by 6 years. I absolutely understand. How wonderful for you and that child.

My mom is good friends with a couple who adopted 2 children about 40 years ago and never told them! It's amazing how many people know and the secret has never been told???

My cousin's ex-husband's father died and he went into a deep depression over it. This may not sound kind, but he basically went crazy. He threatened to kill her and the kids with a shotgun and then kill himself. Thankfully, that was enough to scare her and she got the hell away from him safely.

Speaking of secrets that no one is allowed to talk about. I think that one of my cousins is gay. But NO ONE talks about it and I get the feeling that it's off limits. My family is very conservative and old school. Personally I couldn't care less, but I'd feel awful if I was wrong and brought it up. But I'd also like the cousin to know that I accept them 100% either way!

Hi Velleen-Nice to see you!

teresa -- Yes, my DH was devastated to not only discover that he was adopted, but to learn that *everyone else* knew it and kept it secret for 40 years! Heck, his 2nd grade teacher knew it -- my MIL had confided it when she thought DH wasn't doing well enough in school. (He says now that he was hers, Win or Tie.) Finding out was a blow, but it finally explained so many things. It was a relief.

teresa, I know 2 families who ignore that very large gay elephant in the room.

who'd'a thunk, in this day & age, that that kind of thing still goes on?

& that the gay children don't say anything to their parents?

(What's going to hit the fan when young Mike brings home his beloved Ernest???)