You know Cheerful1 sometimes I feel that way regretting not taking this job or that but then I think I'd miss having the friends I have now, this forum and some of my fonder memories. If I took a job I really regretted not taking, I would not have met my husband, would not have my very special friends in Scotland, my cat.

Life is a journey and meant to be a learning experience for our souls (I believe this).

To fix things going forward maybe you should ask yourself what am I not happy with now? is there anything I'd like to try doing? Is there any relationship I'd like to mend or try to be a more understanding person with? Don't beat yourself up - I get the way your are thinking when I am depressed.

Talk to us - we've all felt this way at some point.

How can we be a stronger, mid-life person if we haven't been through the trials in our lives to get to this point of standing strong?

(((((((((((((((((Cheerful1))))))))))))))))

McPeg

I want to mend the relationship with my husband, but I feel like it's too late. Now I've found out that he may be very ill. He's been having tests of his nerves and muscles, but nothing's been diagnosed yet. I want to be there for him, but I don't know if the damage I feel I've caused him has been done.

Instead of beating yourself up for what has happened and trying to "figure out where you went wrong," why not get about the business of mending the relationship?
Look at it this way. If you had cows out because the fence was down, you wouldn't stand around trying to figure out what happened to the fence. You'd fix it!

I don't mean to imply that it's an easy thing to do, but it starts with telling him "I'm sorry that..." and going from there. You can't UNdo anything, so make the most of today and tomorrow and the day after that.

Good luck ~

I agree with Rita. If you feel you want to mend the relationship with him, do so. At least you'll know inside that you gave it a shot, even if it doesn't go like you'd like. If your so inclined, pray about it.
Leslie

Often when a partner is sick, relationships grow stronger. I've seen this with my parents and had this happen with my own marriage. Keep communication honest and open. Don't beat yourself for the past, but look to make your futures brighter.

You cannot go back. To-morrow is in the future. To-day is right now. Make the most of it and try to talk openly and honestly with your husband. Hopefully he will be receptive. Try each and every day to do the best you can at rebuilding.

We learn from our mistakes and believe me, I still have, and have had lots to learn!!!

All the best to you. Try to keep very optimistic that things will improve. Do not be afraid to seek counselling if you feel you can't cope alone. Sometimes just talking to someone who is not involved can help, but do be very careful who you open up to. I made a very serious mistake from trusting a friend years ago and she wasn't worthy of my trust.

Recently I have been overwhelmed also, with some past things I couldn't let go of and talked to 2 friends (- one of them a KT friend) and he will never fully know how much he helped me.

All the best and keep us posted if you feel you would like to. Our members will give a great deal of support, I'm sure
ivamae

We can't go back; we can only go forward.
Rita and ivamae sum it up very well.

Ron

I thnk that wanting to make a self-assessment of your life is a good beginning. I've actually done that myself and I certainly made many mistakes both with my DH and my children. All I can do is focus on the present. One of my problems is trying to be all things to all people, so now my motto is "what I can do is all I can do."

Unfortunately, DH holds grudges and remembers all things past and brings them up, so my struggle with him is ongoing. It's difficult to live up to his expectations. My adult children tell me all the time what a great mom and grandmother I am, so they keep me going.

Friends, particularly the ones here, can be very helpful to you. (((Cheerful1)))

evatx - unfortunately my DH is the same way as yours. I keep telling him to stick to the matter at hand; he brings up "all things past" because he feels it does relate to the matter at hand. So, we're at an impasse there.

I have made many mistakes in the relationship, and I know I will continue to make mistakes. I'm only human.

I don't remember *seeing* you here at the Kitchen Table,and you may or may not know that I recently lost my husband (/6/21/08). We would have been married 40yrs. on Oct.26,2008. Those years were not all "honey"..there were some "bitter herbs" scattered here and there in those 40yrs...but we got past all of it. Then, last August he was diagnosed with lung cancer, and with those words our lives changed. We were starting on a 10 month journey TOGETHER that we didn't want to travel. At the time, we had no idea how long the journey would be, and we knew it wasn't going to be easy. AND..we both changed. If there's anything good to be said about cancer (or any serious diagnoses)..it's that it USUALLY gives the people involved the time to undo hurts (real or imagined) and to say what they want/need to say...because the reality is, not one of us is promised a tomorrow! In a second you life can change. We never ask (nor were we given) a "prognosis" for my husband. Because of his diagnoses, we were given the chance to appreciate EVERY minute we were together, we talked about how much we loved each other and our children! Until that diagnoses, we never sat around and talked about our love for each other..because "life" was always in the way! As a matter of fact, our last conversation, just a few hours before he died, was about all the GOOD memories we had. At the time of that conversation I never dreamed how that night would end..but I'm so glad we had that time..that moment!

Right now, it isn't TOO late, but ond day it will be. YOU and your husband have been given an opportunity and not everyone is blessed to have that! Grasp it, hold it tight and use it for what it is! If you have to humble yourself to him...do it and do it now. If his diagnoses ends up not being serious, you have still been given this chance.

I Pray there it's nothing serious your husband and that you and he can now start building a NEW relationship! The past is in the past. Leave it there and start from the present!

I'd like to add a little more here to my response. If he's holding on to old 'stuff', that could be the reason he has his problems. But you can't change him. You can only change yourself. But, letting go of the past hurts, helps immensely.
Leslie

country bumpkin - I am so sorry for your loss. God works in mysterious ways, and maybe this is His way of getting us back on track.

grammaphony - I think his pride gets in the way sometimes. He's way too stubborn in certain respects. I also think he overreacts sometimes (he does not like when I say that). Life is too short to hold onto grudges.

Cheerful1..I meant to tell you if you'd like to email me, you're more than welcome to do so. I was going to email you thru your MyPage, but the email option isn't there.

My email address is countrybumpkin@microxl.com

I think we can all look back and see things that we wish we had not done. We are all human. But sometimes we have to let go of these. Try to sit down with your hubby and have a very long talk. Air things out if you can. Both of you need to just spill it all out. Tell him how sorry you are to have done some of the things that you did. Tell him you would love to go forward in a positive way. Tell him how you truly fell about him. Ask him to try to forget the past as best he can, it is not helping him or you to look back. As the old saying goes, Kill him with kindness.

I wish you the best.. Susie

The past is the past. Please put it ALL behind you! Life is a journey with it's good and it's bad. Tomorrow is the next day to the rest of your life.
Everyone has problems, but what counts is HOW you handle those problems.
Some people need help handling "problems" - whether it be anti-depressants, just talking to someone, etc.
I think the secret to a happy, fulfilled life is giving to other people.
I think most people want to be remembered by how they helped people or animals.

I did what I call a rough draft that I will show my husband tonight. It's nowhere near finished, but a rough draft is better than none at all.

Hello again, cheerful1,

Does showing a rough draft to one's spouse, especially if it's news to them, seem a bit overwhelming? Calculating?

Can you folks discuss some of your issues, not so much along the line of warming over old hurts, but examining them in the light of learning some of the ways in which they have contributed to ways in which your relationship has come to operate that you find less than pleasing? That you would like to work toward remedying?

That's in terms of a general examination of the ways that your lifestyle inter-relates, or of one aspect of it works.

But when you're having a current disagreement, I think that it would be helpful if you can agree that you both deal with only that one issue ...

... that to drag up old issues, even if related/similar ones, is more or less dirty pool. Sufficient unto each day is the evil thereof, more or less.

It's hard enough to resolve one issue at a time ... to try to deal with several at the same time makes the hill much steeper to climb.

Also, often when old issues are re-fried in the midst of a current disagreement, often the motivation is to make the accused person look bad and to feel more guilty.

Which results in the accused person becoming more defensive, thus less motivated to attempt to develop improvements/remedies.

Sometimes people who reiterate old problems may do it as a means to keep the ball in the other person's court ...

... which sometimes enables them to keep the other prson off balance, and enabling them to avoid looking at their own responsibility for some of the issue/issues at hand.

Sometimes when we tell our story to ourselves, it appears iron-clad ... with us as totally the good guy.

When we tell it to the other person involved ... often it seems somewhat less complete and unassailable.

When we, even if approaching remediation with good will, tell it to an outsider, often it seems somewhat less so ... which may be somewhat humbling to us.

But often such an exercise makes us even more motivated to alter some things from earlier pattrns of operation.

This motivation becomes stronger if we feel that the other direct party to our relationship understands and supports us.

Sometimes when we are being honest about ourselves to a third person, and we are looking rather bad ... the spouse will come to our rescue, saying that s/he's not as bad as s/he appears at that point. In fact ... sometimes such a situation may lead to a break-through - shifting the earlier inter-relationship substantially, and starting it on a path to better understanding and mutual support in future.

And, as some have said, don't beat yourself up, please ....(dare I say, "keep cheerful, please?" ... optimistic, also).

Good wishes to you and your spouse as you set out on this adventure of working on your relationship.

ole joyful

Rita is right - I speak from experience - what is done is done - go to him and start over - forgive yourself first, then work on reconstructing a relationship with your husband. If you didn't still love him, you wouldn't be concerned about the damage, but it's obvious you do, so GIT 'ER DONE! Best of luck to you and your husband.

Hi again cheerful1,

We're thinking of you.

Hoping that things went well as you talked. That some better understanding came to pass ... more appreciation of the other, and empathy.

And hoping that things are improving between you.

Good wishes to both of you.

ole joyful

Things are still not where they should be. He thinks things that happened in the past are influencing my current behavior and that's why he keeps bringing it up. I keep saying we have to stick to the present matter so we can resolve it and move on. I don't think he can ever let go, and it keeps building up in him to the point where in his mind things can never be resolved.