No, I think it's an important life lesson. I see too many young adults take advantage of parent's generosity and aren't motivated to get out on their own, or try as hard as they could otherwise. I think $100 a month is very low personally. That probably covers groceries for one person. I think I paid $400 after college until I moved out.

I also did my own grocery shopping and made my own meals. My mother never would have made me a separate breakfast if I chose to sleep in or didn't want to eat what she made already. It might be a good idea to have them take over meals, at least for themselves. It's good for responsibility and may lead to healthier eating habits when they are on their own if they know how to feed themselves. I know adults who don't know how to cook who live on fast food and pizza.

One suggestion I've seen that I like is to charge the kids rent, but save it. Don't tell them that you are doing this. They will still get the responsibility lesson from budgeting and paying rent on time each month. And when they are ready to move out, gift them with all the saved money that they paid in. It will be a wonderful (and likely welcome) surprise!

Are you serious? Can I be your grown kid? No you are not being to hard. If anything you are being too soft. You are not charging too much. If anything you are charging to little. But for me it's not as much about the money. Its that you are doing way to much for them. Making all meals plus making breakfast twice a day because Molly doesn't get up with the rest of them. If you want your kids to be responsible adults, you have to treat them like they are responsible even if they are not. There's no other way to learn than by doing.

Stop making their meals, stop packing their lunches, stop everything you are doing for them. You are already giving them a helping hand by letting them live there almost rent free. Lay down some rules and stick to it. Get your life back.

They actually pay $200. but part of Molly's rent is paying back a loan we had to take out for her college expenses last year. Sam hasn't found a job yet, but he earned his June rent by fixing both of our air conditioner units. I mean he still has to do all the household chores to work towards July's rent.When he gets a job whether it be a part-time job or a full time job he will have to pay $200.00. That just about covers the rise in the grocery bill every month. So does Molly's.(and she works part time) We may have an increase once school starts.

I'm a bit confused. Are they both still in school?

So they do pay a minimum rent. Good. They couldn't live anywhere else on $200/month. But why does that come with short-order meal service?

If Molly won't/can't get up at breakfast time, and won't eat the meal of the morning - too freaking bad. Make her fix her own. Each of them should fix their own lunch. Each of them should be responsible for fixing a dinner per week.

If you do feel guilty and can afford it, you can put a portion of their rent money away to return to them after they've established themselves outside in the real world. But I wouldn't let them know about the money, nor would I give it to them until they'd been out on their own for a while.

Honestly - you have 2 college graduates who are living in your home, paying minimum rent - and you're making breakfast for them? Actually you're making two - one for your son and then another one for your daughter. And then you also make lunch and dinner. Your son doesn't have a job and your daughter works part time . They should be paying rent and I'm sorry - but I think they should be making their own breakfast and packing their own lunch too.

I think you are being a loving parent.

I don't think charging rent is a bad idea. It keeps the kids from blowing it on beer and parties. It also teaches them responsibility and budgeting. You can always save it for them if so inclined.

I don't see a problem with you cooking for the kids if you enjoy it. It probably allows you a little one on one time with them also. My kids are much younger than yours. If they want to take a packed lunch, I usually make them make it. I feel they need the responsibility and learn how to do things themselves. Plus, it makes them think ahead.

Someone told me one time that our job as parents is to make ourselves obsolete (not needed). Sounds to me like you are headed in the right direction.

My grown children are probably older than yours and are still living at home. They both finished university 2 years ago and are both working in their chosen fields - one at the very entry level and one higher.

The one who is making more money pays us $400 a month, the one who is making less isn't paying rent but is paying back money that we lent him for a year when he was unemployed trying to find work. His field was more difficult to break into.

However, I do not make their breakfast nor do I make their lunches and they pay all their own bills such as they are - cell phone bills, medical insurance (and because we live close to the border they also go to the states quite a bit for a variety of things and they both carry U.S. med insurance which they pay for), dental bills, split car repair bills and insurance and gas with us, contacts, clothes, etc.

The only thing I do is do their laundry and that's only because I don't want anyone else in the laundry room. I do not clean their rooms or their bathroom.

I like my kids and they like us and it has always been easy having my kids around. If it wasn't they would be gone.

I'm hoping within the next 2 years that they will finally move out. The younger one is 24 and has, for his age, quite a responsible job and manages a staff of 20 people with a large budget. He still comes home almost everyday looking for advice from either me on HR stuff or his dad on financial stuff and once he no longer feels the need for us for support I know he will move out. The questions are becoming fewer and fewer.

I get grief from my friends about my boys still living at home but honestly, it really is none of their business. We do what we feel is best for our kids and how we support them if they need it, we do what is best for our family unit and if it is working great.

I think your too easy on them......seriously.....loving them to death.

Rent for a house without a maid, cook or gardener here averages $1200 a month. $400 a bedroom.

Laura, you and your DH are great parents!

I'm privileged to know you!

Keep up the great work!

Thank you Bifenton for your insights. Sam has graduated from trade school and Molly is in the process of becoming a nurse.She has already talked to her bosses how she can got to school full time and still get the same amount of hours. My kids are almost 20 Molly and almost 22. Molly is the only one I really get tired of making her breakfast for.It means I have to get up twice. I make her lunch when I make the guys lunches. So it's no big deal. Y'all would stone me to death if you knew I served Tony breakfast in bed every morning except the weekends. I bring him his coffee and breakfast and we eat together and talk about what we want to do that day,

I do make a weekly menu of what is going to be served at each meal all the way down to breakfast. And if they don't like it they can buy their own.

If you want them to live with you forever, then you're doing
the right things.

Spoiling a spouse and spoiling adult kids are totally different, imo :) I don't work anymore so I try to spoil my fiance a bit because he works hard.

Lots and LOTS of "kids" just out of college are living at home because they can't make a living wage. Would you truly dump your very nice kids out of the house if they were trying hard to find decent work? I'm not talking about being their maid, but giving them a roof over their heads until they can make ends meet. It's not 1955 anymore and much has changed.

I think what you are doing is very decent and reasonable, Orchidlaura. Believe me, I'm sure they will leave as soon as they are able!

You are not being awful parents. I am a big believer in supporting ones kids and that can mean letting them still live at home with certain expectations or kicking them out because they are not doing anything to help out either themselves or the family.

I have friends who had their daughters move out of the house while going to school (in the same city in which we live) but paid all of their expenses and gave them an allowance. I couldn't afford to that if I tried so my kids lived at home while going to school. Then they preceded to give them a down payment to buy a house and help with the mortgage payments when they graduated. I couldn't afford to that if I tried so my kids live at home. So, what are their kids learning. Not much. But it lets them tell everyone that their kids haven't lived at home since grade 12.

Another friend had her kids leave at grade 12 and paid their university education and that was because she wanted to only have her DH in her life. Then why have kids?

So, orchidlaura, no you are not being a bad parent. You are supporting your kids in a way that works for you and them.

For myself I would make Molly start making her own breakfast - but again I'm not living in your house and I don't know Molly. It isn't my place to judge.

You are not a bad or awful parent and for those who judge me as such because my kids are still living at home as yours are well I'm just glad that they were/are such perfect parents.

I don't think there's any one answer, individuals and circumstances are all so different.
What I would do In your case, Laura, and maybe it wouldn't work for you:

If your daughter is going to school full time, making normal progress toward graduation and getting good grades, I wouldn't charge rent. But I also wouldn't fix a separate meal or pack a lunch, the latter should have ended when she finished 6th grade.

If your son were my son, I'd give him a reasonable time rent free, maybe 6 months, to find the type of job he trained to do. If he's unsuccessful after that time, he'll need to find something else to do, maybe even the proverbial McDonalds-type job, and rent would start at that time. Also, no special meals and no packed lunches.

It's not a matter of love or not love, adult children should act like adults and be treated as same. Adults do their own laundry, keep all their living spaces clean, make their own meals (although you can make enough extra in your own meals so that they can join in if they're present) and look after themselves.

Allowing them to be less than fully responsible for their own self and their own needs is not helping them grow up. My kids all went away for college and, thankfully, one benefit was that by graduation time, they all were experienced with normal personal and household duties that adults look after. They were all also told that they would not be welcome living at home after graduating and so they needed to be sure they had a life's direction they were pursuing by that time.

Thank Snidely, i saw your name and thought here comes the bashing. Boy was I wrong.lol

The only things I do for my kids, is their cooking, and usually one(Sam) actually helps me cook dinner. Right now, Sam does all the kitchen clean-up as part of making rent..Molly occasionally cleans the kitchen if she has been lazy all days and the days her Boy Friend comes to dinner. I don't do their laundry or the cleaning of their rooms or the bathroom they share. Don't clean up their messes in the LR or in the kitchen. About the only thing We really do is feed them and we have started making them buy their special groceries, and pay a rent they can afford at this time in their lives. Once Sam gets a job in HVAC his rent will go up. Once Molly gets her nursing degree her rent will go up. At that point I will start saving the money they pay us to give them once they get out on their own.

Lots of families all over the world have extended family that lives together permanently, and everyone contributes. It is only in the U.S. I think, where somehow the expectations are that each generation will live on their own as soon as possible.
I do think parents should promote self responsibility but what that means is different for different families.
If a child is contributing, and clearly has direction and goals (i.e. they are not staying home reading comic books all day long) it seems to me that they are responsible.

Laura, you are a kind and loving parent.

Of course you're not being awful parents by charging them rent and you must certainly know that. Why do you ask? Have they alleged that? Has someone else? Why are you doubting yourselves?

As far as catering to Molly because she doesn't get up in time for everyone else's breakfast or because she doesn't like eggs, well, I wouldn't do that. I sure wouldn't. But if you like to do it, it's your house, your kid, your life, so more power to you.

If they have jobs and are in a college I would charge them too. But I would put the money in a special account for them. I would not use it on any bills in the household unless it is needed. I also would not be making their breakfasts or lunches. Why don't they make their own, after all they are adults now.
Mary

"It's not 1955 anymore"â¦â¦â¦In 1955 I gave my mother half my salary when I lived at home. LOL

I think it's a matter of teaching them responsibility. No, you're not being a bad mother. However, if Molly doesn't want to get up and have breakfast when everyone else has breakfast, I think she should make her own. I suspect she would be willing to do so but you can't help being a mom.

At the stages your kids are at now, I would not charge rent. Your daughter is only working part time and in school, and while your son has not found employment yet, he sounds like a great kid in that he is helping you alot around the house. Neither one is fully launched yet so I wouldn't expect rent payments at this point. Plus, when they do start working full time neither one will have great salaries to start so I would let them put $ aside for a while so they have a little nest egg for when they are ready to leave the nest.

I would however, NOT be packing lunches or making breakfast for them. Let them fend for themselves for those meals. Dinner is fine since... you are cooking for you and your huband anyway....cooking for two more is not a big deal.

They should also be doing their own laundry and keeping their rooms and bathroom(s) reasonably decent.

When our oldest graduated from college he worked part time for 4-5 months until he found a permanent job in the fall. He stated all along that he would be moving out the following May/June so we did not charge him rent so he could put $ aside for future living expenses. We did the same with DD...she was at home for 9 mos. then got a job in another state. The $ she saved while living at home helped her get an apartment, some furniture, etc..Our other child got a job in another state right out of college, was there for 3 years, then got a job back here. He lived with us for 3 months until he figured out where he wanted to live and found roomates. We did not charge him either.

We have good friends who have a son who is 26---out of college and working for 4 years----with no signs of moving out. I'm not sure if they charge him anything and they don't seem to be pushing him to be on his own. The mom says she likes having him around. He could certainly afford to live in a group house. I can see living at home for a year, even two after college, but certainly not beyond 24-25, unless there are extenuating circumstances. Frankly, Im surprised he wants to live at home still....my kids were anxious to be out on their own....I took that as a sign we had done a good job raising them..... they are independent and self-sufficient...isn't that the goal?

Actually, you are teaching them a life lesson on financial responsibility and priorities. There is no reason why adults kids can't continue to get good grades and take on a part-time job (if they want it bad enough) to pay their own bills. It's an accomplishment for them to own that they did that on their own instead of being given a "free ride" by parents; they will value it more, IMO. Just because grown kids are living at home doesn't mean you should cater to them. If you do it all for them, they may expect more from you.

You are in no way awful parents!

I think you're doing a good job. We all have our own ways regarding our children. If you enjoy making meals for them, that's swell but, if you feel you're being used at times, it's time for a sit down. For me, I'd only do one breakfast, those who get there on time get it and that's it. You're on your own after that. I think you're being very fair $ wise. As long as you and your husband are in agreement and the kids are compliant, I feel all is just fine.

Wow I feel refreshed at a Mom. I don't mind fixing Molly's breakfast at a different time. It is usually cereal or oatmeal and hot tea. Almost blew it today though. We had made a leftover plate for Tony and as I was loading his lunch into his lunchbox I remembered and quickly put the leftovers in Tony's lunch box and put what I had ready in Sam's lunchbox.. Didn't have to fix Molly's lunch she is off todayl And we will eat lunch together.

No, I don't think you're being mean to your kids. I'm sure you know whether or not your kids are responsible.

Both my kids live at home - ages 24 and 21. They don't pay any rent and I cook for them. Sometimes I make lunch for them. I don't make breakfast for them, but I would if I wanted to. I do the family laundry, too. My daughter mostly does her own because she wants to, but I do my son's laundry.

My kids are very responsible kids - good with their money, helpful, hard-working and fully capable of doing all the household chores, laundry and cooking for themselves. They've both lived on their own in the past and taken care of themselves. This system works for us. Regardless of what other people think or do, I know my kids and they are fine.

My son is working on his PhD in engineering and works long hours and until recently 7 days a week. My daughter is a full time engineering student and decided she would rather live at home and commute than live in the dorm.

I don't work outside the home and I want to do the things I do for my kids, so that's what I do. We all fully expect them to graduate, move out and live their own lives. Right now is a special time in their lives when they could use some extra help, so I give it to them.

Do whatever works for your family and your kids.

Daisyinga

You sound like you are an awesome Mom.

See I don't work outside the home either. So me, doing all the cooking is not a big deal. I do draw the line at doing their laundry. I haven't done either of their of their laundry in many many years. Nor have I cleaned their rooms. I do however get on their cases every now and then and threaten them that I will go in there with a large garbage bag and clean their room myself.. That usually gets them moving.

Sam has been working off his rent by doing all the household chores for his rent. Normally both kids do all the household chores, since I have a bad back and can't do some chores at all like vacuuming.or scrubbing tubs. They both have been taught how to grocery shop, and Sam went and bought groceries this past weekend. A chore that both Tony & I hate doing

Molly asked if she bought another bag of cooked, peeled shrimp could her boyfriend eat with us. I told of course, but instead of shrimp I need her to get salad & garlic bread..But I think she is going to get all 3/.

No at all. You are teaching your children responsible .....nothing wrong
with that. :)

Heck no, I am being a great parent. Several years ago Matt was living at home working at Fridays part-time, I had told him several times that he had to get out on his own and get a full time job. Well, I finally put my foot down and told him the time was now. I gave him 6 weeks, and he got out in six weeks, and got a full time job at Subaru, I could not have been more proud of him. He started dating his soon to be wife and all is good, he took his GED and passed it at 96% above those that stayed in school. Once again, I could not be more proud of him. He is 32 years old and is a wonderful young man.

Sid

Thank you so much, Lucille, you are so kind. It always feels so good to have encouragement.

Laura, we are both mothers who love our children and are going to do our very best for their good. We'll have different variations on the theme, but the theme is still the same. It sounds like you've found the way that works best for your family, your resources and your situation. It's encouraging for me to look around and see so many young people raised differently, but they've turned out great. It helps me remember that even if I don't do the perfect thing, people are resilient and amazing.

I prefer to do most of the laundry for the house. We're on an aging septic tank and just the whole way our house and routines are set up, from the times we use water to the location of the washer and dryer make it more convenient for me to just do it all. I'd rather wash a big load myself and get it out of the way than have 3 people doing small loads. To have everyone doing their own laundry separate here would be a completely unnecessary aggravation for me. I understand that other people have a different setup that works better for them, and also that some kids need to have that particular responsibility.

That's also the reason I do the grocery shopping and cooking. It's easier, cheaper and healthier if I do it myself. My kids have both lived on their own and can shop, budget, cook, clean and do laundry. My daughter can make a nickel beg for mercy and my son could teach me a thing or two about crockpot cooking.

We are working together as a family to help them get the best education they can get with a minimum amount of loans and to maximize our (my husband and my) retirement. I taught them everything they needed to know about chores/cooking/laundry/money management before they went off to college. Now that they're living at home again, there's no need to complicate my life to make a point.

Best of luck to Sam with his job hunting. It's hard for many job-hunting young people right now. And my sympathies on your back. A bad back makes a lot of things harder, I'm sure.

I think they learn about real life when they have to tow the line a bit. It's a good thing to do if the kids have the funds to help out.

That said, our "kids" each came home after college for a few months, and we never asked them for any money. We just chose not to do this.

Parents all have different approaches to teaching responsibility.

No, you aren't being awful parents. Adult children should contribute if they are living at home.

My parents didn't ask me to pay rent when I moved back in after college. I was expected to help with dinner and do most of the laundry and cleaning the house. DH's parents also didn't charge him rent, but he bought most of the household groceries when he was living at home (rent would probably have been cheaper since he had a teenage brother).

I think you're doing a great job teaching your kids about responsibility.

Laura, is there an issue? Complaints? Have the kids or someone else criticized you?

Yeah my best friend said I was being way too easy on the kids. When she was the ages of my kids her mom had her working 3 part time jobs to pay half the rent and half the utilities plus help out with the groceries. She said she is going to make her kids pay rent and everything when they get old enough (18) she is going to make her kids find part time jobs the day they turn 16.

I think she is going to be too hard on her kids future, According to her, I should kick both of mine out of the house, and they will figure out how to live. I just can't imagine kicking my kids out at this time in their lives. I don't think that we should be with them all their lives and just say goodbye see ya later

Laura: I agree with you.

It will be interesting to see if your friend follows through with her plans.

My kids were working part-time in High School. The older started part time when he just turned 17. He has a late birthday and every once in a while that fact was evident when compared to his friends. At that point his maturity level needed a kick in the rear-end so we made him get a part-time job. Best thing we ever did because he thrived.

The younger one started working at 16 teaching skiing but I'm not sure that, for him, that was really working. He got a summer job as well.

At that age, some friends worked but others didn't. Again, it really depended on the child and how high school was going, how they were coping with life in general, how active were they in sports, were they studying a lot for scholarship money, etc. Now I know that there are kids who could do it all but that isn't what we are talking about.

My kids are coming to the end of their life at home and they know that. But honestly OrchidLaura, if my kids were in the situation as yours are, and at one point they were, I would be making the same decisions as you. (Except for the breakfast thing with Molly - :).)

Ah, well, I think that the title of this thread would more accurately have been "Are we being too easy on our kids?"

Tell your friend that there is no one-size-fits-all answer and that your kids are not her kids. (And your kids are probably very grateful for that!)

I agree, I did that paid room and board and worked full time and plus chores I did too. And if used the car then had to fill the tank up each time plus do errands and lots of things I did.

Many parents do need that money these days and shouldn't feel guilty in taking it from their kids and also them doing chores as they live at home and need to help out too.

When they are on their own, they should know what to do and that bills must be paid and rent and that is much higher then living at home and they must clean and do for themselves fully when living away from home.

If you don't teach them from young ages, they won't learn anything and many won't leave home due to being too good at home.

Its great if you save the money and give to them when they leave home but that isn't possible these days with such an expensive world, so I don't feel that parents must feel pressured in doing that unless they can afford to do so.

I think you're right on in the rent arena.

I'm in the don't fix them food camp. But then, I began in 4th grade with my son. If he wants to make his lunch, more power to him. There are some nights, if he wants dinner, he has to cook it. He's 14 years old. However, I did start teaching him very very early on how to measure, prepare food, use the stove and oven responsibly, etc. And he's highly responsible. So it works for us. Even with the very driven school (students write the faculty when they get to the university of their choice and say, this is easy, thanks!) he attends, I don't cook all the time. I do cook dinner when there's a project, exam, etc. in every subject, but mostly, he can handle homework and housework. He likes that he's self-sufficient, feels free! I limit what protein he can have, e.g. pork, chicken, etc, but how he prepares it, fairly free. I still fry the food though. Haven't passed off those reins. Take that back, he'll fry a handful of popcorn shrimp on occasion.

My point? Teach them. Involve them. Take them to the store with a budget and let them decide a menu (not hand them the money). Or tradeoff. One night you, one night Molly, one night Sam, one night it's every man for himself... Make it fun! Mostly, rent doesn't cover the time and energy it takes to do it all.

I don't have a lot of respect for parents who kick their kids out at 18. The ability to get out there and get a decent paying job to support and better yourself isn't available for most people at that age. I think there is something wrong at home with the families who do this. I also think this is some of the reason why we are having such a problem with young, unmarried families working the welfare system right now.

I didn't leave home for good until after I finished college and got a full time job to support myself. I didn't pay rent at home, but I helped out around the house, shopped, cooked, and took care of my younger siblings.

Agree with sushipup. The question in the OP came from friends saying that you're being too easy, Orchidlaura - but I read the OP as a question about whether you're being awful parents for charging rent.

So - to answer the unasked but apparently intended question, no, I don't think you're being too easy on your kids (with the exception of preparing multiple breakfasts ⦠or even one breakfast. That sounds kind of like the 1950s/1960s, to me, but if you enjoy it, more power to you.)

Oh - and, want to adopt me, please? HA! Seriously, you sound like great parents.

I never made my kids get jobs in high school...if they wanted to fine, but I did not insist. I figured they had their whole lives to work and be grownups...let them be kids as long as possible. I can't even imagine kicking kids out at 18.

Laura, it sounds like your friend had it rough working 3 jobs to pay half of everything when she was young. You'd think she'd take the opposite tack with her own kids as a result of her own experience. I feel sorry for her kids.

Kids need to be home longer these days....jobs are harder to come by and first real jobs usually don't pay that much, rents are higher and so is the cost of living. Gosh, I had a friend in the early 70's who was working as a clerk at a Sherwin Williams and could afford his own 1 bedroom apt. in SoCal----no way could that happen today---probably not even in a lower cost area. In my area, most young professionals making decent $ still need to have one or more roommates.

I always told my kids that as long as they're in school, they never had to pay rent. But as soon as they stop going to school, rent is $400 a month. That includes 3 meals a day, laundry facilities, gas, electricity, cable and internet. You pay your own cell phone, gas and car payments, loans, etc.. I have allowed them to skip rent now and then if they're having money problems. Right now my daughter and her boyfriend are living with us for the cost of groceries. To be honest, i thought they were only staying two or three months. It's been 8........ We need to talk. lol

Debby...my parents did the same thing. When my oldest brother graduated HS in 1965, he was not interested in college and got a job at a plant and paid my parents rent for a year until he and next oldest brother joined the Marines. Brother 3 and I lived at home and went to college full time and had part time jobs for spending money...we did not pay rent since we were in school full time.

When I was growing up my parents gave us 6 months after we had finished whatever higher education after grade 12 we were going to do to get a job, a place to live and get out. Probably why I didn't do that to my kids.

But shortly after my brother was married and had bought a house he was badly hurt playing a pick-up game of baseball and couldn't work for a year. My parents had him and his wife live with them for a year so that they could rent out their house in order to keep it. So they weren't heartless, they just wanted their 6 kids gone - I think it was a different time.

debby_ab - that's funny.

I thought about it overnight and really, I think the issue is, is it good parenting to help out? Of course, we all want to do that. How we accomplish it varies greatly, from person to person.

I have a friend whose son almost never works; no job was good enough for him, quite literally, for months. Now he has one that is hanging on by a thread--he is helping a candidate campain. What happens in another couple of months? He's wrecked her car, and not replaced it. He still expects her to drive him around... and she does it! He's gone on TRIPS she pays for. He's brought a girl to live with them in the house. His kids have been there for the summer. I think their rent is something like food only. And all of the kids, he, and the girl have gone on vacation in Florida. I don't know, but I bet I know who is paying for it. I love her, but gosh, I'm not so sure she's helping him or herself. He's a bit younger than I am, so mid forties? and is NEVER going to leave. Why would he? My mom is also friends with her and we have tried and tried to tell her when she's all upset, that maybe she shouldn't let him come back, but she always lets him. In the end, it's up to her. It's how she parents whether I approve or not. I still approve of her, but I wish she'd stop giving quite so much!