What a nice thread. I nearly died laughing at the eggplant story! I have a memorial garden for my black lab "Friend" who passed in February. I planted several yellow rose bushes in his honor since yellow roses are for Friendship. when they bloom I think of him and it gives me the push to take extra special care of them since they are for him. I also have a rose by the name of Colleen Mary- whichis my twin sister's name. She bought it and doenst have a good spot for it and decided I shuodl save it's life. I jsut got it a few weeksago and it's miserable- so I am hoping to help it. haha I got married in my yard and gardens too..When my sister threw me my bridal shower a month before the wedding, she asked peopel to do a "wishing garden" instead of a wishing well. I already ahd all the household stuff I needed. So she asked peopel to buy perennials to decorate my landscape and rmember them by for years to come. I have so many plants now that remind me of the person who gave them to me for my bridal shower. it always amazes me. A neighbor gave me a red fancy leafed japanese maple for my wedding gift too. You know the small ones that are way expensive..!? liek $200 for a tree not even 2 feet high. haha. The kind that will et wider but nly reach maybe 5 feet after decades.. you know the kind! I have a special place for that and we always comment how special it is and how we'll alwasy remember the wedding because we have the tree planted. it is doign very well and growing and just gorgeous. these special plants mean so much to me too!

When I was little and Daddy was stationed in Indianapolis, Christmastime was always cold and snowy. A few days before Christmas Mom and Dad would pack all of us into the old Dodge and drive downtown. All the stores back then had big display windows along the sidewalks and for the holidays they had special displays. Some windows had the religious theme, with a Nativity that was real people. It was so exciting to see them bending over the manger and bringing gifts to the baby Jesus. Other windows had winter scenes with mirror ponds and little skaters on them. These scenes all had lots of interesting details, like a guy who had fallen on the "ice" and a dad lacing up his childrens skates, fires in tiny metal barrels and a band of people singing carols. Most of the scenes used doll sized people and were static. Some scenes had Santa's workshop or his sleigh being loaded with toys. We would walk from window to window, hanging on to Mom and Dad, pointing at each new display and yelling, "Look at that one Mommy", or "Daddy look over there!" My parents had the patience of Job to take five kids out on a frigid evening to walk two blocks at a snails pace, down and back, to look at window displays like that. And we didn't want to stay together either, the boys wanted to go into the stores, the girls wanted to go back to look at anything with horses in it. My parents must have felt like they were herding cats. Those were my most vivid memories of Christmas. Oh yeah, and the Christmas eve that my little brother ate a bottle of baby aspirin and we all had to go to the emergency room and watch him get his stomach pumped out through his nose. That one has stayed with me too. Ha! Cheryl

Advocacy... Mum's health "crashed" about 3years ago and she has been with me about that long. I have been to every appointment, every test, every surgery/recovery/rehabilitation. She didn't very much like my "intrusion" but it was clear to my brother and me that she was not capable of adequately relaying information to us. So... Fairegold, I had not realized your mother died. I'm so sorry. I know that every one has their time, but it is always a shock, and a relief, and a sadness when it happens. You were good to her; being good and kind to people carries a reward we often don't fully appreciate until they're gone. :) I have two things to offer: the actual medical services available to us are simply amazing. The "before" and "after" care, however STINKS. I have dealt with more nurses and doctors than I can count. Sadly, I have to say the quality of nursing is abyssmal; I made it a point to be polite and pleasant. But when they were unwilling to make time to discuss Mum's condition with me I lost whatever faith I had in the profession. When I watched a nurse drop an exam glove on the floor and then pick it up to PUT IT ON before changing Mum's urostomy I was horrified. "Were you planning on using that one?", I asked as she was preparing to do just that. She looked nervous and was even more nervous as I supervised the urostomy change... noting that is was done improperly. (I do it on average every 5 days, and have for 2 years now; I now realize I've FORGOTTEN more about the process than most RNs ever knew). The same nurse failed to raise the rails on Mum's bed and she got out of bed, confused. She fell hard, cracking her kneecap and badly spraining her wrist... all this followed a stroke. Why didn't the nurse have the presence of mind to realize a stroke patient doens't make good decisions and is a likely candidate for injury resulting from compromised decision making? HELLO? whatever happened to "common sense"? that's how "medical professionals" operate? Doctors. They're busy. They have a lot to juggle. Most have pathetic interpersonal skills. It's the rare jewel who has warmth, a sense of humor, and willingness to be direct and honest. Here's what we did: every day either my brother or I would visit Mum. We arrived at varying times of the day, That way, we knew all the staffers and had a chance to find a sympathetic one. We brought notebooks with us, and we took notes, jotting down the nurses' names, the doctor's name, the time of the visit, etc.. We noted whether or not the urostomy pouch was full, half full, empty... whenther or not she was simply left the sit, hooked to a Foley bag. We noted her cleanliness, if her hearing aids were in, and if the batteries were dead. We brought our digital cameras and took pictures. (Those pictures were a real "hit" when the social worker at the last "rehab." place proved difficult about discharging Mum after 5 weeks... she was "approved" for 8! nothing like a creeping skin condition all over her back to give 'em a case of "the worries", lol). Each of us called the doctors and requested information. We set up times to meet with them to discuss Mum and her condition/progress. Sometimes I did it, sometimes my brother did. Other times we did it together. We were polite, direct, and ON TIME. Being an advocate requires that you be PREPARED, informed, and as polite as you can be; have your questions prepared in advance if you're able. You have to be patient with staff and understand that they DO have a lot to manage on a daily basis, but when you're faced with something unacceptable you have to be willing to be steely-eyed, icy toned, and simply refuse to accept the usual litany of excuses. Believe me, nothing gets the attention of staff faster. And when staff has really gone above and beyond, you must say thank-you and do something kind. I can still the urologist's face when he saw Mum the first time. She weighed 84 lbs., was grey, slow, and sullen. He minced around the obvious reality, using "polite" phrases to avoid saying the obvious. I finally got out the chair, put my hands on his desk and looked him in the eye, "Look, doc., I am a busy woman. I have neither time nor patience for bulls!!t, get to the point.". He met my gaze and began the medical dictation of Mum's case... it wasn't good. He scheduled the next cystoscopy... when he saw her 6 weeks later, she had put on 12 lbs., had rosey cheeks, and he didn't recognize her. After the test, he spoke with me... told me I had done an amazing job with her, that he respected and appreciated my direct manner and willingness to pay attention to small details... as those are the things that make a difference when an elderly person faces a health crisis. He told me then that he had expected to learn of her death before that appointment.

Paige, I am so glad that your Dad is able/capable/willing to talk and deal with his sister. I couldn't tell if that was so when I read all of this last night. My brother committed suicide when I was living abroad almost 7 years ago now. We were in the middle of adopting a 6 year old in a foreign country and I could not return for the funeral. Had I left Korea, she couldn't have come with me and would have had to go back to the orphanage. There is no way she would have understood. So, I had to grieve alone. As it turned out, there was no funeral! My parents were too embarrassed and had my brother cremated. Finally, they decided to do a memorial service and the woman pastor told my parents that if someone commits suicide they went to hell. My brother was a Spirit filled, full Gospel believing Christian that was very depressed and sick. It was a good thing I wasn't state side or I could have slapped a pastor silly. It was just horrible to know what that ninny did to my parents psychologically and emotionally all because she was a 'pastor.' I called this pastor and had it out spiritually with her. She went back to my parents and asked to see his Bible. After viewing his Bible, she 'declared him righteous' because only someone seeking God would have highlighted certain passages; so now she tried to back peddle my brother out of hell to my parents. I heard the memorial service was very different. I requested that it be audio taped, but ala, the tape machine 'broke'. I'm still irritated when I think about it all. I can sincerely empathize at your struggles with family. I have just had to be very careful of not engaging in commenting one way or another. I've had very little to say to my parents or siblings about the matter. He's gone. I have the best end of the deal. I am the adoptive mother to my brother's son. My brother chose us to be his child's parents at birth, 14 years ago. I just keep focus on the gift I've been given. It's the only peace I have though life. I hope you have some personal peace over this whole situation and am praying that right is done concerning your grandmother's estate. It's shameful what a crafy manipulator can accomplish when a loved one's health is on the decline and they're scared and emotionally dependent. I'm hoping that all manipulations are exposed and expunged. What goes around, comes around. Here is a link that might be useful: My kiddos now