Should I feel guilty?

15 years ago

DGS and his GF have been staying here for almost a month.He is 24 and she is 19.He has been helping DH with some work around the property and has been a lot of help for which we are grateful.They have had very little money,only what she is making at a waitressing job so we have basically been feeding and boarding them.Last night they came home from a trade Days event and GF came and asked me if there was an old rag that he could use to clean an aquarium.I asked her what he was putting in the aquarium and she smiled and said,"I'll let him tell you that." and left.They finally came in the house and asked him what he put in the aquarium and he said,"A snake." I think a python or maybe a boa I'm not sure.Anyway,I said no way was he having a snake in my house and he said he guessed they would just go to his sisters.I said,"Whatever" and they packed up and left.He couldn't believe I was "being so mean" about the snake and thought I should just let him keep it.I told him he should have called me and asked before getting the snake and I would have said "NO" and that would have been the end of it!LOL He also said that when he is in Afghanistan in a few months and maybe dies that I would feel bad that things were left this way just because of a snake.DD (his mom) calls DH this morning saying she doesn't know where DGS is,can't get him on his phone,he isn't at his sisters and she thinks I was being too picky about the snake! Did I do the right thing or is everyone else right?LOL

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Comments (37)

Nita__AZ
15 years ago
I don't think you were wrong at all. If that happened to me I would do the same thing and not allow a snake in my house. Just where does he think this snake is going to stay when he goes to Afghanistan? Was he going to leave the snake for you to take care of? He is trying to put a guilt trip on you to cover up for the mistake he made in getting the snake. He will surface someplace, don't worry about it. Seems to me he isn't acting very mature about it and I bet his sister wouldn't allow a snake in her house either.
lindyluwho
15 years ago
Your house, your rules. He should have asked but probably didn't b/c he already knew the answer.

No need for guilt IMO.

Linda
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Cs is up to the bioparent. They're responsibility. And any parent who depends on the ex new wife or husband for hand me outs has real issue here. CS should come from the father. Now if his job is not giving him hours, the bobaty why hasn't your husband got at least a parttime job else where? And i do agree with one thing colleens stated, and i completely forgot to mention it too because my husband said it as well. WHy is your husband telling financial details about the selling of your mothers house? He had no business telling her that. If my husband told his ex i did that and she expected money from him and yes she is like this too. oh you dont have the money, why cant you borrow money from maria. She's said that a number of times and low and behold so has sd. My response: I AM NO ONES FREAKIN' BANK! If your dad doesnt have the money then the money is not there. What did your mom do with the 500 bucks he gave her this time?? ' Money to me is a touchy subject because i work my butt off and so does my hubby , money doesn't grow on trees. And as i was saying before if my hubby told ex that i sold my place i would be livid. That is not her business. My husband ex at the beginnning would call me his rich girlfriend. Yup, i have money, i save , i'm a non smoker so i dont trash 300$ in the garbage per month for a cancer habit. I dont live beyond my means. and have reserves in case of emergencies. I bailed my husband out thousands of dollars because he put himself in debt. WHich i got back because he paid me back slowly all these years. That was a one deal thing andi will not do it again. I love my husband , dont get me wrong but i will not support his ex family especially after all the Cr*p the exwife put us through. I wont be used in that manner And yes i agree with you vivian. after courts, and accusations and games, you dont have any love for the other woman causing hell in your life so its her tough if she can't make ends meet especially with the amount my dh dishes for her. SHE can make the decision to change her life. 1. quite smoking and using pot 2. go find a new job to support your family . 3. get respect from your new husband and tell him to stop treating your kids so poorly. And yes, believer i would also like to know if CS is being paid for the daughter living with you guys. That being said, if ex and my hubby were best of friends, and we were all working together for the kids, and she was short because of too many bills and needed a loan, than i would not mind giving a friend a loan of cash especially if one of her kids were sick or had a cavity to fill and needed the cash and she would pay me back. I wont let the kid suffer. BUt we are not friends. SHe ditched me from the beginning and she trashed both my husband and i from the beginning and worst of all she directs it at the kids and they know its not us!...so god knows what they will think of their mom when they are older. I wont be her doormatt. No way. She can dust herself off and get a job. As for this case, i think bobaty you did the right thing for your sick sd but dont let your finances feed the ex. You are already tight as it is with two jobs and 4 kids inthe house. You must so tired at times.
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nodakgal
15 years ago
Nope.
I wouldn't feel guilty I am sorry.
I would keep it short and sweet.
It is your home and your rules.

Some people wouldn't have minded a snake. (I wouldn't have it in my house for all the tea in China!)

But, common courtesy would have been for him to ask first.

Plus I know you didn't ask, but its terrible for him to say that to you to make you feel guilty! Blackmail or whatever.
lynn_d
15 years ago
No you should not feel guilty at all, he is a guest in your home and needed to ask for permission before he got the snake. He should be feelling ashamed of himself for saying that to you and he ownes you an apology IMHO.
nodakgal
15 years ago
Once again I hit submit too fast. By blackmail I meant emotional blackmail. What a thing to say.
dotmom
15 years ago
Lilliepad.....No you did NOT do the wrong thing. It is your house and they should have checked with you before they got the snake. But bottom line they should be thankful for all that you have done for them, and please don't let them or anyone else, put a guilt trip on you. Its time for these kids to grow up. Hang in there. Dottie
pattico_gw
15 years ago
Hey...I know how it is...I should have said NO to the big dogs...but I felt sorry for them...

Would I feel sorry for a snake....NO !!!! No way would I have one in my house.

I'm proud of you for standing up for yourself.

patti
Mystical Manns
15 years ago
No way are you at fault at all ... your grandson is. He knew the answer before he ever brought that thing to your house! And SHAME ON HIM for what he said to you! Is he using that line on everyone to get whatever he wants prior to leaving for duty? And while I'm at it, SHAME ON YOUR DAUGHTER TOO ... for trying to make you feel guilty again!
jen_tx
15 years ago
I think if he has money to buy a snake and aquarium, he should have bought some groceries to help out instead.

No way should you feel guilty. Hopefully he'll grow up when he's in Afghanistan. I could have maybe excused him buying the snake without checking with you first but his comment about if he died while in Afghanistan then you'd feel bad....that was way beyond immature. He should be ashamed of himself.
lilliepad
Original Author
15 years ago
Thanks everyone.You all made me feel better.
Toni S
15 years ago
This is going to sound mean but he doesn't sound mature enough to be going overseas. I hope he doesn't have to carry a gun. Then on the other hand, his adventure may get him to grow up very fast. Could be just what he needs.

I'm wondering if they are at her relatives.

How does he go over seas anyway without a job?
patti43
15 years ago
I agree with lynn and jen, he should be ashamed for making you feel you are wrong. Good grief, you've done more than your share to help them out and for that you got shabby treatment. I'm sorry he made that reference about Afghanistan, it was uncalled for. You hang tough, lilliepad
lilliepad
Original Author
15 years ago
Jen-I thought the same thing about the money.
Toni-I agree with the lack of maturity.I just hate that he has to go to Afghanistan to get it!LOL He is in the Army reserves and his company is being deployed in Sept.He was laid off from his last job and came out here to find one until his deployment.DH needed some help for a couple of weeks so he put off looking for a job until he was done with that.They may have gone back "home".I'm not worried about him because he always checks in sooner or later.
bigfoot_liz
15 years ago
no you did do the right thing!

i truely will never ever understand anybody who does not move out of the house at 18 and is out completely on their own and never goes back. i moved out at 18, everybody i knew in high school did too and went on to college and we never ever went back after graduating lol. we would have sooner committed suicide then move back in w/ our parents or family, nothing could be more embarrassing, nothing....and we lived in downtown chicago where a studio was $1000 a month plus $500 for a parking space in 1986!

it's your house, your rules and anyone dependent on you is basically under your thumb...they don't like it, they can grow up, get a job and their own place ~ liz
dances_in_garden
15 years ago
And what was he going to do with this snake when he was deployed? Expect his girlfriend to take care of it? I was 19 once. A 19 year old that is living in her boyfriends grandmothers house is not ready to take care of herself, let alone a snake.

We just want to spank that boy for you LOL!

I am sure there was a reason to be living in your house, but in my mind when I live somewhere I am a GUEST. If I am paying rent then I am a TENANT. Either way, I would never purchase a new pet without the express permission of the home owner.
hayjud_mn
15 years ago
I guess everything that I would say has already been said, so I just want to praise you for standing your ground. Don't ever let him, your DD or anyone else make you feel like you did anything wrong. He/they were completely wrong.

I hope he grows up soon!
ritamay91710
15 years ago
Most others have already said what I feel. You did nothing wrong at all, he is the one who should apologize.
sheilajoyce_gw
15 years ago
You did the right thing, but too bad he did not call you. If he had, not only could you have set him straight, but you could have suggested he put his money in the bank for a real need, or buy some groceries as someone suggested. A very immature young man for his age. I wish him well and an opportunity to grow up working for Uncle Sam. In fact, my thanks to him for service to his country--Now, as to learning to respect Grandma, Lilli, you are helping him learn!
good36
15 years ago
Oh my..... There would be NO WAY a snake would come into my house either.

By what I am reading this young man is manipulating you. You have nothing to feel bad about. He will soon realize (if he want's to admit it or not) that he has had it very good living with you.

Judy
golfergrrl
15 years ago
Your house. Your rules. Period.
(My mother would never let me drink a beer in her house.)
pianolady2008
15 years ago
No snake in my house!! No way!! No guilt!! I agree with the others........your house.....your rules!!
lunchlady1948
15 years ago
My DS brought or caught a snake once~~~I would never have one in my huse I made him keep it in the garage with a lid on of course. I hate those things I would never be able to sleep~~~your DGS was wrong and he knows it!! Why doesn't he stay at his mom's if she thinks it is OK??
cwnev
15 years ago
Ah Lillie, I sure do miss talking to you. I can't seem to get MSN to work anymore.

You did the right thing, DO NOT let him make you feel guilty. That is so stupid. You are not a doormat! Where did he learn that he can do whatever he wants in YOUR house? You were giving him and his GF... who isn't is wife a place to live and they try to make you feel guilty???? Wrong, wrong wrong!!!!!!!!!!!
No matter what happens, it is YOUR house. Your Rules. No matter what. He could have at the very very least asked first. Why does he think he can do what he wants? If he is old enough to have a live in girlfriend then why isn't HE supporting her? Then he can make up his own rules... Sheesh, why do kids today think the world and family OWE them anything?

I miss you girlfriend. We have to find a way to hook up online soon. Hang in there.
lilliepad
Original Author
15 years ago
Hi Cathy-You know me when it comes to my family.Sometimes my brain turns to mush!LOL But,I am getting really,really tired of being imposed upon in my old age,and a lot more outspoken!LOL
I miss talking to you too.I tried to do the msn thing awhile back and could never get it to work.Maybe I need to get another screen name or something.I'll work on that and let you know.
FlamingO in AR
15 years ago
Well, everyone has said the important stuff already, so I'll just say this (and I NEVER ever thought I'd say something like this, so mark the date!).

I feel sorry for the snake. It's now in the hands of 2 people who are too young and immature to care for themselves, let alone a cold-blooded, living creature. When he goes overseas, she's probably going to release it into the wild where it'll die a slow death or be killed by someone who freaks out when it tries to get into their house.

You did the right thing, someone needs to drum some common sense into that boy and it's great that YOU, Lilliepad, are strong enough to do it AND put up with his tantrums, too. I think he's 24 going on 7. lol
Mickey15
15 years ago
Lilliepad, you shouldn't feel guilty at all....your grand-son should is the one who should feel guilty for saying something so awful to you, and for not asking you about the snake in the first place. And your daughter should feel guilty for not backing you up.
(((((Lilliepad)))))
clubm
15 years ago
Definately not!!!! It's your house. He should have asked first.
wireweiners
15 years ago
I'm with Flamingo, poor snake. Your DGS is not working, going overseas in a few months and GF doesn't have her own place or a full time job and they take on the responsibility of a pet!!!! Snakes aren't cheap to keep. You can't just plop them in an aquarium. They need special bedding, heat rocks, frozen mice (which aren't cheap), vet care and so forth. Were they expecting you to foot the bill for that too? My DD (age 11) has been wanting a snake for years but I say no, not in my house. She says "When I'm 18, I'm getting a job and my own apartment so I can have a snake." I say great, you do that but don't expect me to visit. lol
summer_tx
15 years ago
Everyone has expressed my same feelings concerning his immaturity and inconsideration Lilliepad. I'm sorry he said that to you about his pending tour to Afghanistan. That was totally uncalled for. You have absolutely nothing to feel guilty about. You've gone far beyond what a lot of grandparents would do to let him and his GF move in with you for the past month. And, if I'm reading this right, you would have continued to let him stay had it not been for the snake. I don't know many people who would welcome a snake as a pet in their home. And like was mentioned, they are not cheap nor easy to maintain and the fact remains, he is leaving for overseas soon anyway. Very bad choice on his part. I too feel bad for the snake. What will become of it? I hope he or his GF have enough sense to give it to a qualified pet store or reptile village.
lilliepad
Original Author
15 years ago
Dances-When I was 19 I was married and had my first baby!LOL I can't remember being as irresponsible as the younger generation is now.But,it's a whole different generation with different values.I was taught from an early age to take responsibility for things.My mom worked and I cooked and cleaned at an early age.Plus we didn't have "things" handed to us on a silver platter!LOL If we didn't work for it we didn't get it.
Summer-I would have let them stay until he is deployed,mainly because he was going to find a job this week.I'm sure he wasn't thinking that far ahead but I do think he would find a home for the snake if she can't take care of it while he is deployed.
I have really felt guilty about letting them both stay here and share a room all along because it is a moral issue with me.But,I figured they have been living together anyway and would be wherever they are.My justification I guess but it still bothered me.
Anyway,I didn't know exactly what their plans were for her after he is deployed but they have been talking for the last few days like she might be planning to stay here.I wasn't going to agree to that but because of the snake incident I didn't have a chance to say anything to them.So I guess this is for the best in the long run.LOL Either way someone was going to be upset with me because I was going to tell them "It ain't happening"!LOL WE have had someone living with us for the last 2 years and are just getting rid of a DS and DGD. DH and I are looking forward to having our home to ourselves again.
Lunchlady-The reason he isn't living with his mom is because she doesn't have room.
He did text her and they are still in town but he didn't say where.He has a lot of friends here that they can probably impose on for a while.LOL
Thanks again everyone.I'm still really bothered by his comment.
jayokie
15 years ago
I'm with the others: no way would I have a snake in the house & the kids/grandkids know it. Just as I suspect YOUR g'son knew better but thought he'd get by with it. If your dau thinks you're so mean about the snake, let it live at her house while the g'son & GF live somewhere else! And with the $$ spent for a creepy pet, he could have purchased some groceries or helped pay the utilities.

And I'm confused/curious....if he's headed to Afghanistan, he's in the military, right? So why doesn't he have an income and why is he not on a base?

Stick to your guns....your house, your rules, no snakes. And NO guilt!
lilliepad
Original Author
15 years ago
jayokie-He's not on a base because he is in the Reserves.He hasn't been paid in several months because of clerical errors.What it boils down to is that someone,actually more than one someone,dropped the ball along the way when filing the paperwork for him (and several others in his unit) to get paid,and because they are reserves they aren't considered a "priority".
wildchild
15 years ago
I'm with Flamey too. Pets are a lifelong commitment. If you can't be around for the life of the pet you have no business getting one.

Reptiles are not cheap to keep. Putting them in an aquarium and feeding them a mouse or two isn't going to cut it. They need proper light,heat and humidity. Expensive equipment and expensive upkeep.
msprettyky
15 years ago
Sounds to me like someone has a lot of growing up to do. I would have been very upset if someone who was staying with me temporarily brought a snake or any animal at all into my home without asking me. Snakes are a big no no to me. I dont know anyone who would even have the nerve to bring one into my house. Dont feel bad about his little "comment of rage". I can bet he will come home a different man and you will get the appology that you deserve. Seems like he may not be thinking straight right now.
cynic
15 years ago
Nobody has said the first thing I thought when I read this. What a selfish, spoiled little BRAT!

Need I say you should NOT feel guilty?! Absolutely you should not feel guilty, rather, be proud that you took a stand on a spoiled little brat. Spoiled little brats make those kinds of comments. Very typical.

His money issues are one thing that comes up in life and he's old enough to know it. He should be appreciating someone helping him out and should be spending his money more responsibly. There's been a lot of comments about the snake expense so I won't duplicate.

I fully understand how it would bother you, but keep in mind, tough love is tough to do and it takes a strong, caring, and mature person to be considerate enough to give the tough love when needed. A hug to you for your strength. Don't second-guess yourself. You absolutely did the right thing.

If and when he's deployed, his selfishness will have to come to an end. His superiors and peers won't put up with it since his greed will endanger their lives. He'll have to learn quickly.

If everyone else thinks you're too picky, let them take the snake!

One last thing. Yes, I would feel a little bad that this whole thing was over a snake but in reality would any sane person feel better if it was over something different?

You've felt your regret as a caring person would. Now you should feel proud of yourself for taking a stand, and I think we all agree it was the right stand, in his best interest too. What happens will happen and it's only, nay ONLY HIS responsibility.

Here's a little quote I found somewhere that somehow seems that he should learn: "There is no dignity quite so impressive, and no independence quite so important, as living within your means." - Calvin Coolidge (OK, not perfect for this situation, but a great quote anyway!)
joyfulguy
15 years ago
Aged 24, i.e. 2 + 4 = 6.

ole joyful

P.S. While I wouldn't get (much) more upset about snake than a dog, etc. ...

... he has some nerve, importing not only a talking companion ... but a non-talking one, as well.

As he has a number of friends in town, I think that you'd have had every right to have said that he could eat at your table and lay his head on your pillow ... but that a (temporary?) companion ... couldn't.

Not in the same boat, so to speak.

Putting a gun into such an immature person's hand?

I'm glad that I'm not an Afghan!

o j
wendylynders
15 years ago
Nope... no snakes coming into this house either! No way no how.... Never! Your house... your rules, end of story and no guilt!

Here is a link that might be useful: Autism; 1 in 150 children in the U.S. being born with it

Should I feel guilty?

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