Should I feel guilty?

18 years ago

DGS and his GF have been staying here for almost a month.He is 24 and she is 19.He has been helping DH with some work around the property and has been a lot of help for which we are grateful.They have had very little money,only what she is making at a waitressing job so we have basically been feeding and boarding them.Last night they came home from a trade Days event and GF came and asked me if there was an old rag that he could use to clean an aquarium.I asked her what he was putting in the aquarium and she smiled and said,"I'll let him tell you that." and left.They finally came in the house and asked him what he put in the aquarium and he said,"A snake." I think a python or maybe a boa I'm not sure.Anyway,I said no way was he having a snake in my house and he said he guessed they would just go to his sisters.I said,"Whatever" and they packed up and left.He couldn't believe I was "being so mean" about the snake and thought I should just let him keep it.I told him he should have called me and asked before getting the snake and I would have said "NO" and that would have been the end of it!LOL He also said that when he is in Afghanistan in a few months and maybe dies that I would feel bad that things were left this way just because of a snake.DD (his mom) calls DH this morning saying she doesn't know where DGS is,can't get him on his phone,he isn't at his sisters and she thinks I was being too picky about the snake! Did I do the right thing or is everyone else right?LOL

Sort by:Oldest

Comments (37)

Nita__AZ
18 years ago
I don't think you were wrong at all. If that happened to me I would do the same thing and not allow a snake in my house. Just where does he think this snake is going to stay when he goes to Afghanistan? Was he going to leave the snake for you to take care of? He is trying to put a guilt trip on you to cover up for the mistake he made in getting the snake. He will surface someplace, don't worry about it. Seems to me he isn't acting very mature about it and I bet his sister wouldn't allow a snake in her house either.
lindyluwho
18 years ago
Your house, your rules. He should have asked but probably didn't b/c he already knew the answer.

No need for guilt IMO.

Linda
Related Discussions
How do you identify plants that you collect seeds from?
Q
Comments (7)
trudi d, I think you found it for me! When I googled, I searched for pink coneflower and didn't use the correct name of Echinacea and your link was perfect! I THOUGHT it was a coneflower, and was surprised that the botanical garden didn't have it. But that was before I saw how many varieties there were! I think it is pink double delight, the one labeled razmatazz has too short petals. The only thing that was kind of strange was that this plant I saw had normal looking coneflowers on the lower stalk - at any rate, identifying it as far as actually being a coneflower gives me more of an idea of what to expect growing conditions-wise. I hope it turns out to be winter hardy! As far as taking a picture, I don't have a digital camera - only my cell phone and I have no idea how to transfer the image to a place I can access it! Thanks all! BettyLu
...See More
OK.....So what do I do now?
Q
Comments (13)
Lillie, don't give up... it may take a little while for some kitties to understand that wet food is yummy! You could try microwaving the food for a few seconds or so just to make the smell stronger but not heat the food, or try putting a favorite treat in the food. Some kitties are stubborn and they love that dry food, just be more stubborn! You don't have to feel guilty, just keep trying. Airforceguy (and all) if your dry-food-eating feline drinks a lot of water please be sure to have the vet check for feline diabetes. Since cats are obligate carivores (they do not have the enzyme humans, dogs and other animals have to break down carbohydrates) many vets are now giving more thought to the appropriate diet for felines - which is meat based. Many vets are also looking further into the cause and effect relationship between dry food diet and fd. My two boy-cats were kitty-crack addicts (dry food = kitty crack) and one (at 10 years old) is now diabetic - drinking larger amounts of water over a period of time was the only clue. Both boys are now eating wet food only and the weight loss is dramatic as is the reduction in water intake. Oh, someone commented that their breath doesn't smell as bad with wet food - add to that another plus... the litterbox doesn't smell as bad! As for fatty-liver definitely make sure your kitty is getting enough wet food when you transition. It may even be ok to let them eat until satisfied when you first start (I've found that once they get a taste for wet food they want a lot of it and then the appetite evens out) and then determine how much they should get daily based on their current/ideal weight. Talk to your vet about how much your cat should eat for optimum health. Peace
...See More
*Ahem* I feel a little guilty about this
Q
Comments (48)
I'm in much the same boat. As you know, I'm a frugal character, but that's not the issue with me - it's "wasting" Precious Petroleum. Plus adding to pollutants. And global warming. As I've said, part of my reason for fixing my 19-year-old car last year instead of scrapping it, at higher cost than I'd paid for it, was the amount of energy used, plus additions to global warming and pollution that are required to build a new car, and the proportion of another old car that I'd be using instead of fixing mine, that I believed would have quite a number of miles left in it. My Dad, a farmer, had trouble breathing in this part of the country over 60 years ago, so pulled up roots and moved to the west, where he had about exactly 40 good years of life, healthy. And liked his new life. I plan a trip through MI, WI, MN, ND to Sask for a family reunion (mother's side) at my brother's in early July. I'd hoped at one time to travel to British Columbia in June, visitng old colleagues and friends, but that's not going to happen. I'd thought once to maybe drive daughter back to AZ from the reunion (she booked her flight Phoenix - Minneapolis - Regina/return last week): would take too long away from work to drive. (Gosh, it's nice to be retired ... and enjoying continuing good health's a bonus). I'm to attend a reunion of former Korea missionaries in NC at the end of July, then visit niece's family in NW GA. It was at that gathering 3 years ago that, after a discussion of U.S. foreign policy, I approached one of the presenters, saying that it has seemed to me increasingly since 9-11, that had the U.S. treated Israel and the Palestinians much more even-handedly during the last 55 years plus ... ...that those planes would have never hit those towers. Looking at me searchingly, he asked whether our talk was off the record. When I asssured him that it was, he replied, "I agree with yu ... 100%", with some emphasis. To add to my dilemma ... my daughter has invited me to her "new" home in AZ to celebrate my 80th birthday next Jan. By plane? - hard on fuel, but I'll probably do that, for I don't have others to visit while in that area. To drive? - (my little car, standard tranny, that costs down hills and to yellow lights, though some say it's illegal)? I plan to do it ... but with some compunctions. We're stealing our grandkids' heritage (of which I have none). I could go to brother's on the bus ... but want to run around visiting friends. I may ride with others to NC - but then have trouble getting to my niece's. I could ride the bus to AZ next Jan ... and may well do that ... but daughter (different generation) takes for granted that it's to be by plane. Actually, I bussed to Edmonton (over 2,000 mi.) when that niece was married in '85 ... then rode with Dad back to Ont, when he came on his annual pilgrimage to visit friends and relatives. Actually ... I don't have much of a dilemma, for I'm going to make those trips, if I continue in good health. But I'll feel some guilty while doing it: one of the dilemmas of life. God trusted this precious world into our hands, to use its resources carefully , wisely and for the benefit of all: does S/He love some more than others? Not according to the Bible that I read. Not only that - my version of common sense says the same thing. Good wishes to all of you for a lovely spring weekend. ole joyful P.S. Sure am thankful that I got my driver's licence retreaded! o j
...See More
My little dog died 9 days ago. I feel guilty and very sad.
Q
Comments (14)
Hello everybody, Unfortunately, I am having a relapse triggered by a family fight I had today. As I mentioned in my first post, my relationship with my mom is not good and she is very disrispectful with my stuff and has thrown away very special things to me. Things that I really treasured. Today, I picked up a carped that my mom had removed almost a year ago. She wanted to throw it away, but the carpet was in good condition and I liked it, so I took it to a place to have it washed and storaged. Today I finally got it back home and put it behind a wall in my living room. It was well hidden and it wasn't taking too much room. My mom saw it and started acting like crazy and told me she was going to throw it away tomorrow. I got angry and she started telling me that I had my stuff all over the house, which is not true, and then mentioned that the fact I put my little dog's stuff, like his plate and little bones in the laundry room was a problem for her to. This made me get very angry and I went down the stairs because I wanted to make sure my dog's stuff were safe. suddenly, my uncle, who was at home for a visit, stood up and got between me and my mother because according to him he thought I was going to hit my mom, which is a terrible lie. He dared me to fight and I told him I was not going to accept his attitude in my house. Then he asked me to go outside and I said: OK. Let's go. Next, my brother showed up and my mom to avoid the fight. Then my brother told me he didn't want to fight because he was much heavier than me and that it was going to be easy for him. I said: Come on, let0's do it. And he refused it and said he loved me. Ever since my parents divorced he has interfered in many of my family's issues that are not concer of his and sometimes he has tried to act like the man of the house. Today was the last straw and made me lose my mind. He has brainwashed my mom several times, my mom almost always does what he tells her to do and of course, he usually takes my moms side. All this conflict made me have a psychiological crisis and miss my little dog a lot since I feel very alone again and I have no friend and partner at home to rely on. I really didn't need this since I was starting to feel better about the loss of my beautiful Guyton, to heal, to rearrange my life without suffering too much and feel more peace. On top of that, my Psychiatrist took the liberty to show my mom and my brother my diagnosis file after a visit my mom and my brother made to his office, which was a terrible violation to my privacy and to the confidentiality respect Mental professionals have to have. It's the most basic and important rule. Now, my mom is using this as a weapon and threatening me to send me to a mental hospital because my Psychiatrist also told her and my brother she could do that. It is just unbelievable. He betrayed me and put me in a very difficult position. Specially now that I am trying to overcome the death of my little dog and my mind is unstable. It just looks he also took my brother's and mom's side and they are their patiens not me. Now I am missing Guyton a lot again and their loss became bigger again too. I am lost and sad again. I really hope you can reply to me. Thank you very much in advance for your help and kindness
...See More
nodakgal
18 years ago
Nope.
I wouldn't feel guilty I am sorry.
I would keep it short and sweet.
It is your home and your rules.

Some people wouldn't have minded a snake. (I wouldn't have it in my house for all the tea in China!)

But, common courtesy would have been for him to ask first.

Plus I know you didn't ask, but its terrible for him to say that to you to make you feel guilty! Blackmail or whatever.
lynn_d
18 years ago
No you should not feel guilty at all, he is a guest in your home and needed to ask for permission before he got the snake. He should be feelling ashamed of himself for saying that to you and he ownes you an apology IMHO.
nodakgal
18 years ago
Once again I hit submit too fast. By blackmail I meant emotional blackmail. What a thing to say.
dotmom
18 years ago
Lilliepad.....No you did NOT do the wrong thing. It is your house and they should have checked with you before they got the snake. But bottom line they should be thankful for all that you have done for them, and please don't let them or anyone else, put a guilt trip on you. Its time for these kids to grow up. Hang in there. Dottie
pattico_gw
18 years ago
Hey...I know how it is...I should have said NO to the big dogs...but I felt sorry for them...

Would I feel sorry for a snake....NO !!!! No way would I have one in my house.

I'm proud of you for standing up for yourself.

patti
Mystical Manns
18 years ago
No way are you at fault at all ... your grandson is. He knew the answer before he ever brought that thing to your house! And SHAME ON HIM for what he said to you! Is he using that line on everyone to get whatever he wants prior to leaving for duty? And while I'm at it, SHAME ON YOUR DAUGHTER TOO ... for trying to make you feel guilty again!
jen_tx
18 years ago
I think if he has money to buy a snake and aquarium, he should have bought some groceries to help out instead.

No way should you feel guilty. Hopefully he'll grow up when he's in Afghanistan. I could have maybe excused him buying the snake without checking with you first but his comment about if he died while in Afghanistan then you'd feel bad....that was way beyond immature. He should be ashamed of himself.
lilliepad
Original Author
18 years ago
Thanks everyone.You all made me feel better.
Toni S
18 years ago
This is going to sound mean but he doesn't sound mature enough to be going overseas. I hope he doesn't have to carry a gun. Then on the other hand, his adventure may get him to grow up very fast. Could be just what he needs.

I'm wondering if they are at her relatives.

How does he go over seas anyway without a job?
patti43
18 years ago
I agree with lynn and jen, he should be ashamed for making you feel you are wrong. Good grief, you've done more than your share to help them out and for that you got shabby treatment. I'm sorry he made that reference about Afghanistan, it was uncalled for. You hang tough, lilliepad
lilliepad
Original Author
18 years ago
Jen-I thought the same thing about the money.
Toni-I agree with the lack of maturity.I just hate that he has to go to Afghanistan to get it!LOL He is in the Army reserves and his company is being deployed in Sept.He was laid off from his last job and came out here to find one until his deployment.DH needed some help for a couple of weeks so he put off looking for a job until he was done with that.They may have gone back "home".I'm not worried about him because he always checks in sooner or later.
bigfoot_liz
18 years ago
no you did do the right thing!

i truely will never ever understand anybody who does not move out of the house at 18 and is out completely on their own and never goes back. i moved out at 18, everybody i knew in high school did too and went on to college and we never ever went back after graduating lol. we would have sooner committed suicide then move back in w/ our parents or family, nothing could be more embarrassing, nothing....and we lived in downtown chicago where a studio was $1000 a month plus $500 for a parking space in 1986!

it's your house, your rules and anyone dependent on you is basically under your thumb...they don't like it, they can grow up, get a job and their own place ~ liz
dances_in_garden
18 years ago
And what was he going to do with this snake when he was deployed? Expect his girlfriend to take care of it? I was 19 once. A 19 year old that is living in her boyfriends grandmothers house is not ready to take care of herself, let alone a snake.

We just want to spank that boy for you LOL!

I am sure there was a reason to be living in your house, but in my mind when I live somewhere I am a GUEST. If I am paying rent then I am a TENANT. Either way, I would never purchase a new pet without the express permission of the home owner.
hayjud_mn
18 years ago
I guess everything that I would say has already been said, so I just want to praise you for standing your ground. Don't ever let him, your DD or anyone else make you feel like you did anything wrong. He/they were completely wrong.

I hope he grows up soon!
ritamay91710
18 years ago
Most others have already said what I feel. You did nothing wrong at all, he is the one who should apologize.
sheilajoyce_gw
18 years ago
You did the right thing, but too bad he did not call you. If he had, not only could you have set him straight, but you could have suggested he put his money in the bank for a real need, or buy some groceries as someone suggested. A very immature young man for his age. I wish him well and an opportunity to grow up working for Uncle Sam. In fact, my thanks to him for service to his country--Now, as to learning to respect Grandma, Lilli, you are helping him learn!
good36
18 years ago
Oh my..... There would be NO WAY a snake would come into my house either.

By what I am reading this young man is manipulating you. You have nothing to feel bad about. He will soon realize (if he want's to admit it or not) that he has had it very good living with you.

Judy
golfergrrl
18 years ago
Your house. Your rules. Period.
(My mother would never let me drink a beer in her house.)
pianolady2008
18 years ago
No snake in my house!! No way!! No guilt!! I agree with the others........your house.....your rules!!
lunchlady1948
18 years ago
My DS brought or caught a snake once~~~I would never have one in my huse I made him keep it in the garage with a lid on of course. I hate those things I would never be able to sleep~~~your DGS was wrong and he knows it!! Why doesn't he stay at his mom's if she thinks it is OK??
cwnev
18 years ago
Ah Lillie, I sure do miss talking to you. I can't seem to get MSN to work anymore.

You did the right thing, DO NOT let him make you feel guilty. That is so stupid. You are not a doormat! Where did he learn that he can do whatever he wants in YOUR house? You were giving him and his GF... who isn't is wife a place to live and they try to make you feel guilty???? Wrong, wrong wrong!!!!!!!!!!!
No matter what happens, it is YOUR house. Your Rules. No matter what. He could have at the very very least asked first. Why does he think he can do what he wants? If he is old enough to have a live in girlfriend then why isn't HE supporting her? Then he can make up his own rules... Sheesh, why do kids today think the world and family OWE them anything?

I miss you girlfriend. We have to find a way to hook up online soon. Hang in there.
lilliepad
Original Author
18 years ago
Hi Cathy-You know me when it comes to my family.Sometimes my brain turns to mush!LOL But,I am getting really,really tired of being imposed upon in my old age,and a lot more outspoken!LOL
I miss talking to you too.I tried to do the msn thing awhile back and could never get it to work.Maybe I need to get another screen name or something.I'll work on that and let you know.
FlamingO in AR
18 years ago
Well, everyone has said the important stuff already, so I'll just say this (and I NEVER ever thought I'd say something like this, so mark the date!).

I feel sorry for the snake. It's now in the hands of 2 people who are too young and immature to care for themselves, let alone a cold-blooded, living creature. When he goes overseas, she's probably going to release it into the wild where it'll die a slow death or be killed by someone who freaks out when it tries to get into their house.

You did the right thing, someone needs to drum some common sense into that boy and it's great that YOU, Lilliepad, are strong enough to do it AND put up with his tantrums, too. I think he's 24 going on 7. lol
Mickey15
18 years ago
Lilliepad, you shouldn't feel guilty at all....your grand-son should is the one who should feel guilty for saying something so awful to you, and for not asking you about the snake in the first place. And your daughter should feel guilty for not backing you up.
(((((Lilliepad)))))
clubm
18 years ago
Definately not!!!! It's your house. He should have asked first.
wireweiners
18 years ago
I'm with Flamingo, poor snake. Your DGS is not working, going overseas in a few months and GF doesn't have her own place or a full time job and they take on the responsibility of a pet!!!! Snakes aren't cheap to keep. You can't just plop them in an aquarium. They need special bedding, heat rocks, frozen mice (which aren't cheap), vet care and so forth. Were they expecting you to foot the bill for that too? My DD (age 11) has been wanting a snake for years but I say no, not in my house. She says "When I'm 18, I'm getting a job and my own apartment so I can have a snake." I say great, you do that but don't expect me to visit. lol
summer_tx
18 years ago
Everyone has expressed my same feelings concerning his immaturity and inconsideration Lilliepad. I'm sorry he said that to you about his pending tour to Afghanistan. That was totally uncalled for. You have absolutely nothing to feel guilty about. You've gone far beyond what a lot of grandparents would do to let him and his GF move in with you for the past month. And, if I'm reading this right, you would have continued to let him stay had it not been for the snake. I don't know many people who would welcome a snake as a pet in their home. And like was mentioned, they are not cheap nor easy to maintain and the fact remains, he is leaving for overseas soon anyway. Very bad choice on his part. I too feel bad for the snake. What will become of it? I hope he or his GF have enough sense to give it to a qualified pet store or reptile village.
lilliepad
Original Author
18 years ago
Dances-When I was 19 I was married and had my first baby!LOL I can't remember being as irresponsible as the younger generation is now.But,it's a whole different generation with different values.I was taught from an early age to take responsibility for things.My mom worked and I cooked and cleaned at an early age.Plus we didn't have "things" handed to us on a silver platter!LOL If we didn't work for it we didn't get it.
Summer-I would have let them stay until he is deployed,mainly because he was going to find a job this week.I'm sure he wasn't thinking that far ahead but I do think he would find a home for the snake if she can't take care of it while he is deployed.
I have really felt guilty about letting them both stay here and share a room all along because it is a moral issue with me.But,I figured they have been living together anyway and would be wherever they are.My justification I guess but it still bothered me.
Anyway,I didn't know exactly what their plans were for her after he is deployed but they have been talking for the last few days like she might be planning to stay here.I wasn't going to agree to that but because of the snake incident I didn't have a chance to say anything to them.So I guess this is for the best in the long run.LOL Either way someone was going to be upset with me because I was going to tell them "It ain't happening"!LOL WE have had someone living with us for the last 2 years and are just getting rid of a DS and DGD. DH and I are looking forward to having our home to ourselves again.
Lunchlady-The reason he isn't living with his mom is because she doesn't have room.
He did text her and they are still in town but he didn't say where.He has a lot of friends here that they can probably impose on for a while.LOL
Thanks again everyone.I'm still really bothered by his comment.
jayokie
18 years ago
I'm with the others: no way would I have a snake in the house & the kids/grandkids know it. Just as I suspect YOUR g'son knew better but thought he'd get by with it. If your dau thinks you're so mean about the snake, let it live at her house while the g'son & GF live somewhere else! And with the $$ spent for a creepy pet, he could have purchased some groceries or helped pay the utilities.

And I'm confused/curious....if he's headed to Afghanistan, he's in the military, right? So why doesn't he have an income and why is he not on a base?

Stick to your guns....your house, your rules, no snakes. And NO guilt!
lilliepad
Original Author
18 years ago
jayokie-He's not on a base because he is in the Reserves.He hasn't been paid in several months because of clerical errors.What it boils down to is that someone,actually more than one someone,dropped the ball along the way when filing the paperwork for him (and several others in his unit) to get paid,and because they are reserves they aren't considered a "priority".
wildchild
18 years ago
I'm with Flamey too. Pets are a lifelong commitment. If you can't be around for the life of the pet you have no business getting one.

Reptiles are not cheap to keep. Putting them in an aquarium and feeding them a mouse or two isn't going to cut it. They need proper light,heat and humidity. Expensive equipment and expensive upkeep.
msprettyky
18 years ago
Sounds to me like someone has a lot of growing up to do. I would have been very upset if someone who was staying with me temporarily brought a snake or any animal at all into my home without asking me. Snakes are a big no no to me. I dont know anyone who would even have the nerve to bring one into my house. Dont feel bad about his little "comment of rage". I can bet he will come home a different man and you will get the appology that you deserve. Seems like he may not be thinking straight right now.
cynic
18 years ago
Nobody has said the first thing I thought when I read this. What a selfish, spoiled little BRAT!

Need I say you should NOT feel guilty?! Absolutely you should not feel guilty, rather, be proud that you took a stand on a spoiled little brat. Spoiled little brats make those kinds of comments. Very typical.

His money issues are one thing that comes up in life and he's old enough to know it. He should be appreciating someone helping him out and should be spending his money more responsibly. There's been a lot of comments about the snake expense so I won't duplicate.

I fully understand how it would bother you, but keep in mind, tough love is tough to do and it takes a strong, caring, and mature person to be considerate enough to give the tough love when needed. A hug to you for your strength. Don't second-guess yourself. You absolutely did the right thing.

If and when he's deployed, his selfishness will have to come to an end. His superiors and peers won't put up with it since his greed will endanger their lives. He'll have to learn quickly.

If everyone else thinks you're too picky, let them take the snake!

One last thing. Yes, I would feel a little bad that this whole thing was over a snake but in reality would any sane person feel better if it was over something different?

You've felt your regret as a caring person would. Now you should feel proud of yourself for taking a stand, and I think we all agree it was the right stand, in his best interest too. What happens will happen and it's only, nay ONLY HIS responsibility.

Here's a little quote I found somewhere that somehow seems that he should learn: "There is no dignity quite so impressive, and no independence quite so important, as living within your means." - Calvin Coolidge (OK, not perfect for this situation, but a great quote anyway!)
joyfulguy
18 years ago
Aged 24, i.e. 2 + 4 = 6.

ole joyful

P.S. While I wouldn't get (much) more upset about snake than a dog, etc. ...

... he has some nerve, importing not only a talking companion ... but a non-talking one, as well.

As he has a number of friends in town, I think that you'd have had every right to have said that he could eat at your table and lay his head on your pillow ... but that a (temporary?) companion ... couldn't.

Not in the same boat, so to speak.

Putting a gun into such an immature person's hand?

I'm glad that I'm not an Afghan!

o j
wendylynders
18 years ago
Nope... no snakes coming into this house either! No way no how.... Never! Your house... your rules, end of story and no guilt!

Here is a link that might be useful: Autism; 1 in 150 children in the U.S. being born with it

Should I feel guilty?

Comments (37)

Related Discussions

lilliepadOriginal Author

lilliepadOriginal Author

lilliepadOriginal Author

lilliepadOriginal Author

lilliepadOriginal Author

COMPANY

BUSINESS SERVICES

GET HELP

CONNECT WITH US

lilliepad
Original Author

lilliepad
Original Author

lilliepad
Original Author

lilliepad
Original Author

lilliepad
Original Author