Marriage Vow -- of the Past, and Present?

12 years ago

I went to look this up after quoting in another thread: "...and with all my worldly goods I thee endow."

Google led me to an early version of marriage vows and then to a revised edition of The Book of Common Prayer for the Episcopal Church, issued under Elizabeth I of England.

The Elizabethan edition removed the brides pledge "...to be bonny and buxom in bed and at board..." It made her pledges the same as those of the groom -- who evidently never did have to promise anything about his personal attractions. lol

What did you and your spouse promise before God and man (or in front of that 'marryin' man')?

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Comments (16)

linda_in_iowa
12 years ago
I sure did NOT promise to obey and we did not have a unity candle.
oldgardener_2009
12 years ago
I made a point not to promise to obey. :)
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flowergal, You're welcome--actually that is nice to hear given that it is seldom expressed. I associate the word "insist" with feelings of "entitlement" and I don't respond well to anyone who insists or who feels entitled. As other's have pointed out I also wouldn't feel obligated to pay for a 2nd wedding. An option would be an anniversary event and small reception, but demanding a second wedding a year later sounds quite self-indulgent to me as well. She can insist all she wants, but that doesn't mean you have to placate her requests, especially if it seems unreasonable. I probably would wait to communicate with her until the dust settles; otherwise you may have regrets in trying to communicate hurt feelings. I also can understand how you could feel given that it sounds like communication was poor. I think you do matter, but she may not appreciate you and she could very well be taking you for granted, which is a different issue. And sadly, people often do take us for granted when we offer consistent emotional support. "I believe that the bond I have worked on my whole life between My Daughter and I is not there..." I understand how you could feel this way given the situation. Feeling taken for granted and not appreciated is hurtful and destructive. I understand that you do not love her any less, but you did/do need someone to talk to about it. Well, I wish you the best of luck with this and I'm glad if I was able to offer some support.
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Dear all, Thank you for your thoughtful comments. I know I wrote a long post, but mkroopy, I do not expect everyone would understand my position in a short post. Thank you Sylviatexas, Readinglady and Justmetoo. You have been very understanding. In explanation to my position : 1. Before I got married, my parents had warned me that is anything were to happen (Inter-racial marriages in my country had boast issues like this before) I am not to return home crying when my marriage fail. I know my parents loved me and meant well, they only warned me of what would happen and they were absolutely right. but they are now retired, I cannot bear to burden them with my issues. If I am to find money, it will be on my own responsibility. 2. Like I mentioned above, by Muslim law, a wife can only divorce her husband for several reasons. You can refer to this : "Men have the right to divorce. If a man dislikes keeping his marriage for any reason, he divorces his wife and compensates her financially by paying her what is termed mut'a payment. This is in addition to the regular financial sustenance for her living, in case she has the custody of their children. Divorce becomes in effect once the husband utters or writes down any of the legal formulae of divorce such as: �I divorce you� or �you are divorced��etc. The husband can do these either by himself or through a messenger. In case it is the woman's desire to end the marriage, the situation becomes different. Her reasons might be that she has received ill treatment, the husband is unable to sustain her financially or he is sexually impotent. She can prove these defects in front of the judge, then the judge grants her divorce with a full access to all her financial rights. Also, if the husband was good to her but she does not want to keep on for an emotional reason, then she asks for what is termed khul'. 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lazypup
12 years ago
Are you kidding,,they have perverted the wedding vows so bad now that its a wonder they don't say,

"I promise to love and honor till the first time I get bored and wanna try something else"
monica_pa Grieves
12 years ago
I'm with olgardener...in 1966, the Catholic church still had "to honor and obey" in the bride's vows. The priest said those words, and I repeated "to honor". Never said "obeyed".

A few of my friends noticed and we had a laugh, priest(who was a HS boyfriend of mother's), mother or MIL never said a word about it.

Second time around, 2 years ago, The word wasn't even in the vows. Church removed the word years ago.
arcy_gw
12 years ago
In 1966 "Obey" was in the Lutheran, Methodist, Presbyterian and civil vows. See a pattern? In 1966 if you had been honest and just asked can we exchange obey for honor or cherish, you could have. No one gave it much thought until about then. Everything is not a conspiracy. I cannot read all of the original post that stupid red advertising is covering it.
mary_c_gw
12 years ago
Wedding vows have not been perverted in the least!

People take vows. They either honor them, or they don't. It's not like cheating started in the last 30 years. It's not like dissatisfaction in a marriage started in the last 30 years. It's always happened.

But people do have more options now - including divorce. I've been with one man for more than 30 years, and married for 26. Yippee for me. He was married before, and has 2 children. Neither DH, his first wife, her second DH, nor I, consider that marriage a failure. It ran its course, they grew apart. They weren't exactly friends in the beginning of the divorce, but we all are now. They were always united in caring for the 2 children, and they have hosted our son several times on vacation trips they were taking. And they four of us get together occasionally, and enjoy each others' company.

My mother was with my father for 20 years, and he was completely nasty - to her. She finally divorced him when I was 17. Hooray for her!! She's now been happily married for more than 30 years to someone who loves and cherishes her. My father also found someone to love and be loved by, and he treated her very well, and stayed married until he died more than 25 years later.

You don't always marry the right person the first time. Marriage should be a commitment, but it shouldn't be a life sentence.
rosemaryt
12 years ago
Divorce can be such a blessing.

Read the post I just did about old Uncle Enoch and his beautiful young wife "Addie" (my great-great Aunt). Apparently, he wanted out of the marriage but didn't see a way clear, and 29-year-old Addie died under "mysterious circumstances."

Divorce *is* a much better option than a life sentence, especially if that life sentence is pronounced by a 53-year-old husband on a 29-year-old wife.

Rose
kioni
12 years ago
Thanks for sharing your stories, Mary. I needed to see your last line, even though deep down I've suspected that could be the reason why I'm having so much difficulty making my own marriage work, for some reason seeing it in black and white helped it to lodge in my brain.

When I married, our JP changed the word "obey" to "treat with courtesy and respect".
whidbeykathy
12 years ago
Ours were short and sweet.It's worked pretty good for all these years!
Having said that, I went to a wedding a few years ago where she had to take a vow to allow the husband to be the ruler of the home, she had to agree to SUBMIT to his decisions. Her responses to all the vow were "I will submit."
I almost came off my chair I was so upset. Different strokes I guess..apparently it was going to work for them.
linda_in_iowa
12 years ago
I have a friend who is in her mid-70s and I assume they have been married for approximately 50 years and she told the pastor of her Methodist church that she would not vow to "obey". That was OK with the pastor. It gave us all a laugh when she told us that because we thought that did not become popular until the 70s.
chisue
Original Author
12 years ago
So...nobody wants to address the earlier bride's promise to "...be bonny and buxom..."? I thought it was cool that Elizabeth, 'the virgin queen', was in charge when that part was removed. I see that whereas now 'buxom' refers to a woman who is big-busted, in Middle English it mean humble and obedient. (Here we go again!)

DH and I were married 'below the altar' since I was not joining the Roman Catholic faith. I still had to promise beforehand not to try to disuade him from church teachings and to raise any children in that faith.

DH disuaded himself, despite my reminding him to attend mass, and we didn't baptise our son. At my urging, DS joined the RC church before marrying our dear DIL. I couldn't see that working if he didn't; hers is a huge, extended Polish-American family, and she isn't 'buxom' in the M.E. sense! lol
Sally Brownlee
12 years ago
I was at a wedding a couple years ago where the preacher was talking to the bride and counseling her that in order to keep a happy husband, it was her duty to keep the house in order, keep herself attractive to him and raise well-behaved children. I couldn't even tell you what the husbands duty was...I was too astounded to be hearing him say it!
workoutlady
12 years ago
Salgal I've been to weddings just like this within the past year. I know to many women who have taken vows such as this.
jannie
12 years ago
It was a long time ago. I do not believe I promised to "obey."
joyfulguy
12 years ago
I don't remember what Sue and I promised - it was the service in our church's service book ...

... but I don't think that it included, " ... obey ..." (on the part of either).

ole joyful
danihoney
12 years ago
Well said Mary :)

Our vows are my favorite memory of our wedding. They were so beautiful.

"With this ring, I give to you my promise that from this day forward you shall never walk alone.
May my heart be your shelter.
And my arms be your home.
May God bless you always.
May we walk together through all things.
May you feel deeply loved, for indeed you are.
May you always see your innocence in my eyes.
With this ring, I give you my heart.
I have no greater gift to give.
I promise I shall do my best.
I feel so honored to call you husband.
I feel so blessed to call you mine.
May we feel this joy forever.
I thank God
I thank you
Amen"

Not at all traditional, but I wouldn't say perverted.
And no obey! :) We didn't have a unity candle, but we did do a Hawaiian blessing where we drank water from the same glass then offered water back to the earth. We were outside. DH is part Hawaiian.

Marriage Vow -- of the Past, and Present?

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Marriage Vow -- of the Past, and Present?

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