I've got all my daughter's things in the spare bedroom. Can NOT begin to think about going thru it yet. It's only been 2 months, and I still sit here and cry and cry. Can't imagine going thru her things yet!! And honestly, I don't see it in the future. I miss her SOOOO much!!! sometimes, I feel like I can't go on.

Rose:

I had to do it for my parents when they moved into a nursing home. I felt the same way you do. So many of those 'things', papers, etc were so very important to them. Example was the papers telling them the mortgage was paid off. It's made me look at my 'stuff' much differently. One thing that made it rougher for me was that my Mom would often ask where such and such was. I learned to skirt the truth to save her anxiety or hurt feelings.

Shirley

My mother just died. She was 83, owned pretty much nothing. Was on her 4th marriage. She had already given away everything she owned of any value. Makes me think of "ashes to ashes, dust to dust". Her husband survived her. I'm sorry you had to close down her home for her. It must be hard. I keep thinking "time will heal all". My husband is keeping me busy hiking when he's home, to get me moving again....not thinking about death and dying. Keep yourself moving.....

It is so hard, Rosemary, and I cannot imagine how one would start in your situation Jamie.

We had to do that with MIL a few years ago, it was so sad. And I had to do it with my mom's things last summer, I have been sitting here thinking about her all day today, crying like a baby.

We have 90% of my MIL's things in our attic, no one wants to part with them so we keep them. I want to clean out and get rid of things while we are able to do so, because we have no children and I was an only child. My hubby has a sister who is not married, no kids. Who on earth is going to clean out our house?

We did the same with my mom's house 4-5 years ago. She was still alive then, in the nursing home but never coming home and not able to manage her own affairs. We kept the house and all of her stuff in it probably years longer then we should have. There were 5 of us daughters. A couple couldn't bear the thought of having an auction or anything like that and having people paw through her stuff. We all got together at her house and took turns choosing the things we wanted. We kept a lot of memorebelia (sp?). Other things went to the grandkids. It was actually a good few days for all of us girls as there was lots of good conversation about mom and dad and our growing up years. I can't imagine how different, and how much tougher, it would be going through it on your own. I wish you the best.

My 2 sisters and I have had to do it twice in one year - first for my aunt and then after our mom died (cleaning out the only house we'd ever lived in). My aunt had never married, hadn't moved many times, and was a packrat. When she died, we found letters that we had written to her when each of us first learned how to write, every one of her tax returns, other of her very old business correspondence, and death notices for relatives from the 1930s/40s. There was so much stuff, but we knew clearly that she had been a child of the depression and didn't throw things out. My sisters and I are the same size as my aunt, and as auntie had great taste in clothes, we each took some items. Because they are classic enough in style, we still wear "our" skirts today. It wasn't so bad when mom passed away because my dad, when he was alive, was always cleaning out stuff and forcing us to take our own belongings or he'd toss them for us. He wanted their house to be lean, mean and for them.

Once both of those projects were complete, I vowed that I would never save stuff just for the sake of saving it. If I haven't worn it in the last 2 years - out. If I haven't used it for a hobby or craft in 2 years - out.

I will never leave my heirs with the job of a massive cleanout. I hope that after I'm gone, those remaining will have good memories of me. Leaving them a mess is not the way I'd want the memories to start.

I have had to do that 3 times. First was a friend who died at 42 of cancer. Her brother came to CA from NY and he and I cleaned out her apartment. I still have her cookbooks and use them frequently.
Next was my aunt. My cousins cleaned out most stuff and I got whatever was marked "made in Germany", which was stipulated in my aunt's will.
When my mom had to move to a care home after she broke a second hip, I cleaned out her apartment. I gave away a lot of things but kept things that had sentimental value to me.

I've done this for my grandmother, my mom (while she was dying) and my dad, and each time, it was a bonding experience with my cousins and siblings.

When I look at the pictures and love letters, the point for me is not that *I* don't know who these people are, but that my loved one did. Some young man wrote my mother tender and passionate love letters from World War II. Some woman once smiled up at my dad with an infectious sparkle in her eyes. I loved seeing evidence of the parts of their lives I could never know.

I must say that it does make me conscious of what I keep. Not long after my dad died and we had to clean out his house, I rented a U-Haul and got rid of nearly everything in my basement and spare bedroom. Hadn't used any of it for years, anyway.

Kinda sorta off the topic, but I don't go to estate sales.

Know family has taken and divided the keepsakes, but guess it's just me.

Remember when we had estate sale when mother died. She loved hats and kept them in hat boxes. I remember little girls trying the hats on in front of their mothers to purchase for them to play "grownup"

My brothers and I had to do this years ago when our mother and father both died in the same week. Of course we kept many things out of sentimental value.
I am just now, 36 years later, letting go of some of those things I chose to keep. One thing I do not want to burden my children with is all my "stuff" and especially since recently becoming a widow and contemplating someday moving into a smaller home, I'm de-cluttering. First to go was alot of my DH's things that had no meaning to me, then I began to look at everything in my home with a critical eye. It's almost a feeling of relief to let some things go and live life simpler.

I have done it for my Mom and Dad (with help from
my siblings), and for my DH.

I felt bad only because these belongings obviously meant
something to them because they saved them. My Mom had
marked a name on some of the things if she wanted one
of us to have them. That was a good thing, I think.

But, I never looked at "material" things to represent
their earthly lives. And, don't want them to represent
my life.

Their remembered and loved lives, had nothing to do
with photos, or cards, or pieces of paper to me.

I keep a few photos - but don't keep endless pieces of
papers - programs, etc. That, I think is a plus for
having to sort through other people's "treasures". I
don't want someone to have to do that for me, and feel
bad because they cannot imagine why on earth I would
keep so many things. :)

I've not had to do this yet, but I know the day will come. I do have a question, however. When you come across financial papers, do you shred them or does it no longer matter?

Jamie, I so hope you can find a grief counseling group because it can be therapeutic to share with others who are going through the same thing as you. My friend who lost her mom in Oct. has been doing so and finds it very, very helpful. Now that all the graduation activity has calmed down, I'm sure your grief is really setting in. I cannot imagine how you get up each day and carry on, but I guess you do what you have to do. I'm thinking of you and will pray for you too.

I had to clear out a lot of stuff when my Daddy died. My mother is in Assisted Living and will never be able to go home so I had to clean out her house so I could rent it. What a mess. She had tax refunds and other papers that should have been discarded years ago. Yes, you need to shred those documents. I kept very little in the way of "things". I just didn't want much and didn't need it cluttering up my house.

I will have to do this again when my 89 y/o aunt dies. She never married or had kids so I'm the one who gets to clean her house. I have a cousin who will probably be willing to help me. I dread it.

Linda

Jamie, I'm so sorry about your daughter. Is there anyone you can talk to about it? Maybe you could benefit from some grief counseling. I can't imagine losing my daughter so I can understand a little how you feel. Please find someone to talk to.

I cleaned out my mom's house when she passed away over 3 years ago. I found some interesting letters that made me understand her better. I still miss her.

((Jamie)) I'm so sorry for you, hon. You don't have to do anything you aren't comfortable with even if your daugther's room stays the same forever. Sure wish I could make you feel better.

I had to help clean out my mother's house. Daddy had died years earlier but when she got dementia we were forced to do it. I don't think I've ever cried so much in my whole life as that weekend. It wasn't just her life in that house, but all us kids, too. What made it so sad to me was the fact that she was still alive but would never be coming home again. It really felt like I was being abusive to her by throwing away what none of us wanted.

So, so sad!

It is an odd experience. A person's home is deeply personal, and to be in it shuffling things around makes one feel a little uncomfortable.

DH and I did it for our son when he got a new job for which he had to leave in less than a week (training class). It was too good an opportunity to pass up, so he did what he could and we finished up for him later. It was very strange going through his things. I would not want to do it again.

I had to clear out my mother's home. I am an only-child, so the task was mine. I spent a lot of time sitting in the middle of the living room floor...crying. It was so difficult. In my garage, I have boxes of her papers and pictures to go through, but I still can't go there yet. I think I can do it this summer. It has been a year since her death.

It is strange. I struggle with going through the little things...she saved just about every card I sent her, but I love having some of her furniture and accessories here. Somehow they make me feel connected.

Jamie I am so sorry you are in so much pain. I know it may be too early to think about for you but have you thought about letting her closest friends have some item(s) of hers? They might want something to remember her by and you would know the item is appreciated and cherished. It wouldn't necessarily be of any value but of value to her friends of time spent together. A t shirt or something she had that connects them to her and reminds them of the good times they had together.

I hope that with time there are fewer days spent crying and more days that bring smiles as you remember your beautiful daughter.

In the space of one year, my friend Eve lost her brother, father and mother. She spent most of that year closing their homes and disposing of their belongings. I promised I would never leave a mess for my kids to deal with. I'm still downsizing. I retired five years ago and I'm still going thru belongings.

We helped with this when my stepsister died. Difficult, but we got through it. You will too.

A person's life has a lasting impact and meaning that is not seen in their left-over belongings.

What an interesting thread. I feel like I can relate to most of what you all have said. My sisters and I closed down my parents' home when my dad died and my mom came to live with me (which was lots of fun). But she was distressed then and it turned into a circus (grandchildren were there too) with people bringing things to my mom and asking her if she wanted to keep them or get rid of them. I brought her bedroom set and some other furniture and things that she loved to my house (and still have them today). She spent two good years with me and my dog and cat and her cat before she died. I really enjoyed having her with me. I have felt guilty about getting rid of anything, but after reading all these posts, I think I will take a hard look at what is here and begin to get rid of things. I don't have any kids myself and don't really have anything of value, but I would like to get rid of the clutter I have accumulated. For those of you that have siblings and were able to close a house and become closer, I applaud you. When my sister died, her girls promised her they would stay close forever. In no time at all they were fighting and the family mostly fell apart. Very sad. Good luck to any and all that have to go through this. It is tough.

Rosemary... My brothers and sister and I had to close down my fathers house. My mom died 14 years earlier and took care of all her things years ago. However, my Dad was an only child. He kept things from his parents when they died years ago. So, it was like closing down 3 homes at the same time. There was a hope chest that belonged to my Dad's mother that was filled with alot of goodies... Her baby book, she was a teacher so alot of her students papers from back in the 40's & 50's were saved and a whole bunch of genealogy/family history! Old photographs, tin type's too. My Dad's baby book, first lock of his hair, etc. It made all the sad and over whelming feelings turn to happy ones. I felt so connected to to my loved ones from the past by just seeing old photo's and holding that lock of my Dad's baby hair and his Navy uniform. It is still very tough to do though so, just keep happy thoughts.

My sister & I closed out our great-aunt's home. Some stuff is still in storage. She's in a care facility and sometimes will want scrapbooks, journals, etc. But with her short term memory problems, if we don't get it right away, she forgets she's asked for anything. Happily, she isn't a packrat, so it wasn't much of a job.
But we did both go home & did a little de-cluttering of our own!
I would say that if you have local museums, when clearing out family stuff -- you might consider asking if any of it would be of value.
I haven't come across anything of 'antiques roadshow' value in my family!

for dh and i, we started on his aunt's tiny 1br apt..we ended up with several bags of garbage, but her place was pretty much in order..i don't have a clue what they finally did with her clothes, though..she had sooo many nice pairs of slacks and sweaters..i sure hope they went to someplace..

as for the photo's thanks be dh's cousin took the responsibility for those...we took a few items home...it's hard not to...

just reading and seeing the other posts.. i look around the office and see drawers that need organizing...and photos...i have my fair share.. some from my mother and some fil let us take when he remarried and moved...
one thing i did do, after a pal was hit by a hurricane, was move all the pictures into containers in one room...

jamie...don't try and do your dd's yet..but do remember she'd NEVER want you to be in that dark place for long...i hope someday you'll be able to donate clothes to help some other mom cloth her dd...and someday smile over the treasures you find...my half-sis had this little shadow box..it must have 20 or more little compartments each with a piece of memory..including a little figurine that was mine and i gave my niece..(we are a year apart) it always made me smile everytime i see it...

My dad died almost 15 years before my mom did. When Dad died, my mom went through his things and when asked, I helped her. I felt it was a way for her to heal, even though at the time it was very painful for her. He was her "oak tree" and I know she needed to do most of the sorting herself....I felt if I intruded it would be almost as if I were a voyeur. That probably sounds strange to some but it was what worked for us.
When Mom died my DH and I went through her things, cleaning out her apartment. It was my job to sort through everything, with my DH assisting in the moral support department. We made 4 piles: 1 for us, 1 for donation to charitable organizations, 1 "not sures" and 1 for gifting to our family members. The one for our family members started out as being very difficult, but as the days went on it went from bittersweet to a source of joy. DH and I reminisced, looking over the items and finding matches for them within our family members. Our "family members" included some of my mother's dearest friends and some close friends of mine (and DH's) who Mom becamse quite attached to over the years. The whole process went from one of sadness to one of wonderful memories, some laughter, some tears, funny anecdotes and lots of smiles.

I still have the most random samplings of my mothers possessions. Many things were split up among her children. I saved weird things like a Chanel dress that she wore once to some big embassy to do back in the 60's. Because she had saved it all that time, I couldn't bear to get rid of it. Hats and shoes too, and a fox fur collar and cuffs. I think her granddaughter might like them someday... Like when she has to clear out my house after I'm gone!

It's been almost 6 yrs. since my daughter Tracy died she was 28 yrs. old. Her husband let the house go to foreclosure & just moved out leaving some of her things. He signed off of the house so the lawyer contacted us as we became her legal heirs.

I was allowed to go inside the house & take what I wanted. This was so difficult because she had died in this house but I had to do it. I didn't want strangers going through her things & just throwing them out.

I have slowly gone through the boxes & donated some things but it's hard you want to keep everything.

Her bedroom at our house still has things she left when she moved out. I have said I'm going to clear it out then have a hard time actually doing it. I want to get this done so that some day my youngest daughter won't have to go through the pain of sorting her sister's belongings.

Recently I have thought of getting a Hope Chest & filling it with the special things I want to keep. There is no time line for grief we all just have to do the best we can to get through it day by day.

gentle hugs
Nancy

I have done this twice, once of my dear mother's home and my MIL's home. My mother's home was where we all grew up and my two brothers and I took our time going thru everything. I'm so thankful we were able to work together and there were no hard feelings. Our spouses just let us do what we wanted too so that helped. There was no pressure. We had so many memories and many good laughs finding things mom had kept. And, Mom kept everything too. But, she had lovely clothes and furnishings and collectibles. After we decided what we wanted, we let the grandkids go thru her house and then her nieces and great nieces. I hated seeing her house topsy turvy for so long but everyone took care going thru everything. What was left, we had a one day yard sale. My son bought her house and we just let him have what was left and he either kept it or gave it away.

My mother died three weeks ago today. Next week I will be starting to sort through her things. I went there yesterday and the thought of disturbing her things or pilfering through her things make me sick to my stomach. I left. There's no way I could have an estate sale and have people pick through mother's things trying to find a bargain. After all the keepsakes are divided I will give the rest to a charity of some sort. It's a tough thing losing your mother.

Our thoughts are with you, wine50 ... what a difficult spot in which to be.

I hope that you have found some fellow-feeling as you read through the posts here.

Unless there is some urgency to deal with her things, I suggest that you take your time about it.

Maybe go over fairly often, if you can stand it, even though you don't touch or remove anything, early on ... to get used to the situation.

I hope that the task becomes easier and turns out to be much less onerous than you fear.

Are there other family members who will be involved?

Do you get along well together?

Did your Mom give indications of which things were to go to which people? Some leave designation messages taped to furniture, etc.

I hope that this does not lead to conflict or even hurt feelings, if such may be the situation.

Should such happen, I hope that, if you are not able to get the situation fully resolved, that you find some mutual friend whom everyone trusts to help you all steer your canoe through to less troublesome water.

Let our good wishes go with you as you prepare for and set about this difficult task. Crying will help you to feel better, afterward.

ole joyful

We did mothers and inlaws I enjoyed it,like a big surprise not knowing what you were gonna find next.

I have helped several times, first with my husband's Mother and then his Dad's. Then we went through my Mother's things and got out what the family wanted and then had an on site auction. Last summer I helped Cheryl and family members clear out Kevin's parent's home. At the time Kevin's Mother was still living and she gave me lots of things and I am just now going through and seeing what I want to keep and what will go into the rummage sale. It is a lot of work.

Sue

I did my mother's in a weekend with help from my kids. The good antiques I kept(i"m an only child) and the kids could have what they wanted and I sold the rest. My cousin and I did my aunt and uncle's who had no kids and were recluses. That was fun..NOT!..I found old clippings from the 40's and old letters I had written her decades ago. I did keep a lot of old letters and her albums of family pictures. It will take my kids a year to do my house.

I cleaned out my parents house. My brother kept a bedroom suite and a few other things. He sold his home and moved there to take care of the property so it wouldn't be empty. No one was ready to sell the property yet.

We each took what we wanted and what was left, I brought to my house because I couldn't bear to throw anything out. I donated most clothing items, except for a few pieces I'd like to make pillow remembrances out of. (one of these days) I have alot of their things and I get great comfort just having them.

Tammy

Wine50: A big hug to you. And ditto what OleJoyful wrote--could not have chosen finer words myself.

As so many of you have written, the distress you feel having the task of cleaning out the home is palpable, but hopefully you can approach it as a learning experience--learning more about the family members. Kind of like a treasure hunt (yes, among all the trash!) You can try just imagining what she looked like in that Chanel dress for the big to-do. You find out more in those tucked-away letters. And while you might not be able to identify some people in the photos, it's a glimpse into another era.

I think really the only thing I can add is to not do this alone--if there are other siblings in the family, make them have an equal hand in it, from the basic cleaning-out-the-fridge or clearing out trash part to the divvying up of stuff and making decisions on what to toss or donate. It's not just to make the work go faster. I didn't have the chance to go back afterwards (and that was awhile after both parents had died), because the house was quickly sold and there was a deadline to have it ready for the next family. And I just could not get back in time because of another commitment. Other siblings did the work. Every day I recall some little object, maybe something I gave to my mom, and wonder what happened to it. Was it thrown out, is it in a box in the basement of a sister's house.

When my MIL died 15 years after her husband, he two daughters spent 6 months cleaning out all her stuff. She had clothing in an attic with rips or stains, all of it had to be thrown out. Found all her paperwork for 60 years in various file cabinets. Old babkbooks for closed accounts. Old expired passports. Utility bills back to the 1950's. Unbelievable! She died in January, just after Christmas. i asked if I could have my Christmas gifts to her back, a set of mugs and some kitchen gadgets. The daughters said they "never saw them". Hah! That caused some hard feelings on my part. But I was relieved they did the majority of the clean out. We spent one final weekend over there, rented a dumpster, distributed pieces of furniture and junked everything that was left. We even found huge pices of kinoleum in her basement.

I haven't had to do this yet, but I am an only child and dread what is in my mom's house. She is a packrat!! I like to think I am a recovering one! I've asked her to label old pictures etc, but I doubt she has done that. Some of her stuff will be easy, threadbare linens and towels have no value to me (although I hear the vet's clinic likes to have rags for cages), one million pieces of scrap paper, tupperware from the 1960's etc. And let's not even think about the outdated canned food in the basement. Sometimes when I am at her house I see if I can find anything expired and dispose of it discretely! Hopefully, I can donate a lot of stuff to someone who wants it. I imagine doing a big Freecycle garage "sale" -come and get it if you want it, otherwise trash can!

But I definitely will have a soft spot for the things she loves-Her Hummel collection, her china pattern, little things that remind me of her etc.

Wine50-I'm very sorry to hear about your mother.

Jamie-take your time. Perhaps you'll know when you are ready. I hope one day you can look upon her items and remember the good times with smiles.

I've had to do it for my mother (8 years ago) and my daughter (5 years ago). My daughter was only 13 so it was more a matter of her bedroom (but of course her "stuff" was scattered all over the house). I call it a whittling down process and it is a process. In both cases, I didn't get rid of much at first. My mom's stuff sat on my side of the garage for almost a year (meaning my car sat in the driveway). Alissa's room went almost untouched for longer. But with time I've gotten rid of more and more, either giving it a way or throwing it away. Most of Alissa's stuff is in her bedroom closet and her room isn't even a bedroom anymore. My mom's stuff is just a few boxes. Luckily my other daughter is more sentimental and has wanted to keep things that belonged both to her sister and her "Mima".
Teresa, your advice to Jamie is correct.....you do know when you are ready. Two months is too short of a time to process anything and sometimes we make decisions too quickly (when we aren't thinking clearly but think we are) that we regret later.

I have done this task as well and have vowed to not leave so much clutter for my kids to have to take care of; but the older I get, the harder it is for me to just keep up. I do want to add, that one of the nicest things I "found" while going thru all my Mom's clutter was letters that I wrote to her while we were in the military and traveling all over the world. Little things like how the kids were growing...cute things they said as well as the places we were and what we saw. Better than a diary and such fond memories. My "stuff" will have few of those treasures, but I have kept a file of printed emails from when the grands were little, and some of their artwork. Memories...... sometimes priceless! Nanny

When I was in my 20s my dad asked me to go to his step-mother's house in N.M. to help clean it out and clean up the other house, next door for his brother. A family was living there, paying her $100 per month in rent, they were supposed to help her keep the place up! My dad kicked them out and it was a mess, old appliances out in the backyard, the kitchen had filthy carpeting in it we had to tear out. We also went through his step-mother's little tiny house. It was full of old newspapers and magazines, old letters she started to my dad and never finished or sent. It was so depressing that when I got back to my own place I threw out all my old letters and junk I had accumulated already. Now I wish I had kept some of my Japanese cousin's...hoping somewhere in an old box there is at least one with her married name on it and the city she lived in so I can track her down.

Then my brother Bill and I went through my mom's things after she died so my dad wouldn't have to. He'd already thrown out or given to Goodwill a bunch of boxed stuff out in the storage room. It was hard throwing away her pretty dresses from the 60s and 70s, when she was younger and went out with my dad, especially the ones she made herself.

I have four more days of vacation left and will be spending it clearing out my house again. The junk is accumulating again and it's time to get rid of stuff.