Genuine hospitality and real manners.

12 years ago

I. This is one trip I remember going to see one of my mother's best friends, and this is around the time they first met.

We parked at the top of the road because it was so muddy she was afraid we would get stuck. My shoes got stuck in the mud and had to be fished out. When we got to the house, the woman unlooped the rope that held the door shut and welcomed us in. There was a stove, and a concrete sink in the kitchen, and there was a kitchen table to sit at. I remember there was a sofa with springs sticking out of it. There was linoleum that had worn through to the wood underneath. When we left we went out through a trap door in the floor because that part of the "house" had been used to keep animals in at one time.

A few years later this woman lived in a real house, and it was like the prototypical "hoarders" house. It was not dirty, but packed full of everything. 40 years later it is even more packed. This woman is not some poor soul, she comes from an educated background, has educated her children and grandchildren, and has bought some of them businesses.

This woman is one of the most gracious hosts I know, and she became one of my mother's closest friends. She never lets you leave without eating something, usually prepared on the spot, and you need to take some home with you too.

There is absolutely no conventional nicety you could say about her house, and I doubt she has ever noticed a thing about my parents'. She certainly never said anything complimentary--or at all---about it.

II. My paternal grandmother basically hated my mother. She and my great aunt either had nothing nice to say directly to her, or criticized her slightly out of earshot. They were invited to our house for every holiday and more. In thirty odd years my mother never said a disagreeable word to either one of them and made sure they were as comfortable and entertained as her favorite guest. When my grandmother and great aunt were in nursing homes and incontinent, it was my mother who washed their clothes every night.

Sometimes not saying anything tritely and politely (and absolutely false) about someone's house, and not taking offense (imagined, or even when intended) is the most gracious kind of host or guest to be.

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Comments (20)

roarah
12 years ago
I wish I had your mother's grace.
mtnrdredux_gw
12 years ago
People misunderstand what "class" is. You give two excellent examples.
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awm03
12 years ago
Fundamental kindness trumps picayune propriety. Thanks for these fine illustrations. I too wish I had your mother's grace.
mjsee
12 years ago
Those stories made my heart happy, palimpsest. Thank you for sharing!
daisyinga
12 years ago
Your mother sounds like a lovely, lovely woman. So does her friend.
cyn427 (z. 7, N. VA)
12 years ago
What everyone else said. The words lovely and gracious seem to sum up your mother and her friend. Thanks for sharing stories that made me smile and also reminded me that I need to try harder in some situations. :)
busybee3
12 years ago
amen
patty_cakes
12 years ago
It's a shame class has become a thing of the past. Some things just can's be taught...or learned. ;o(
beckysharp Reinstate SW Unconditionally
12 years ago
She sounds like a wonderful woman, Pal. True generosity of spirit and the patience of a saint. Thanks for sharing.

Becky
User
12 years ago
Well said.
palimpsest
Original Author
12 years ago
I don't want to canonize either.

But I think that manners are being replaced with a careful exchange of compliments, each carefully measured, and hospitality is also something that is carefully extended and not offered again unless returned in kind and in full.

I also think there is a current trend to confront those in your life who are "toxic" and tell them that they are not good for your life and your health and banish them.
franksmom_2010
12 years ago
Your Mother must have been a very dear and gracious lady.

I needed this reminder as I get ready for the holidays and the houseful of family and friends. I always have that excitement about large-scale entertaining, but it's tempered by a bit of fear and dread. And occasionally loathing. I'm going to try a different attitude this year, and see how it goes.
itltrot
12 years ago
You mother does indeed sound like a lady of great hospitality and manners.

It's very hard when faced with a family member who dislikes you to remain polite and friendly and welcoming. I know this from personal experience. My MIL despised me for years because I married her son. My parents despised my DH for years because he married me. It was very hard to have both parents dislike us at such an important time in our lives. But we still attended every family function with a smile. We still welcomed them to our home with open arms. We let them know that we still loved them even if they had problems with us. Gradually they've started to come around. My mother actually apologized to me last week for her behavior over my DH. It's been almost 15 years ago we were married. Being gracious isn't necessarily a learned trait but maybe a state of mind.
palimpsest
Original Author
12 years ago
She wasn't quite long-suffering:), and she wasn't exactly sunny during my grandmother's visits, but I think the gracious thing she did for everyone present was to ignore and refuse to engage in the negativity.

My mother's friend cooked for us or made us eat something at almost every visit, and in forty years I don't remember my mother cooking like this for her, but her hospitality was offered in completely different ways.

It was not the one-to-one exchange that so many people seem to require today.
katrina_ellen
12 years ago
Sounds like your Mom acted instead of re-acted. Nobody can make you a sourpuss unless you let them. Good life lesson.
lizziebethtx
12 years ago
palimpsest: You said

I also think there is a current trend to confront those in your life who are "toxic" and tell them that they are not good for your life and your health and banish them.

You are so correct. This is happening in our family and it is heart breaking for everyone, even those who are not banished. There are no real grounds for the banishment. It is punishment for slights, whether real or imagined, and also the need to blame someone else for poor choices made by the one who is banishing her mother and sibling from her life. It's a very hurtful thing. Actually, that's an understatement.
loribee
12 years ago
Two women showing true generosity of spirit. We could all learn from them...
emagineer
12 years ago
I have put off commenting on both threads regarding this topic. Rarely post,my norm is quiet. Standing back and perusing what is around me. It may take some time for me to say something about another's home, usually when I find a corner with a common bond, but I do try.

In the back of my mind is the knowing that within our lives are both family and public with so many different personalities. I know this isn't new to any of you. We meet them everyday and they visit our homes. Each is going to respond differently and may or may not be what we expect. We can continue to interact or not, it is a choice. Even though my personality takes me a while to share, I do feel a bit empty when another doesn't take notice of something done with love in my home or garden.

For 5 years I have thought about my not saying anything to a lady who was restoring her home. Was there to wander through her huge, historical gardens. They were tour ready and couldn't get enough of what I saw outside. So huge that a garden group came to help upkeep. Not saying anything about her beautiful new kitchen continues to bothers me and often wonder if she thought about this. It was rude, but not meant to be. I was completely distracted to the outside.

On to personalities. I have a son who is definitely a narcissus. One cannot deal with him without walking on eggshells. You never know if something said or done is going to bite you. He is exceptionally bright, a unique scientific career, great sense of humor and people love to hear his stories. I don't think he has ever complimented me or my home, fun little car, accomplishments, etc. He would be the guest who came to visit and it would be all about him. It is very hard for a mom to ignore, but deal with such on a limited basis.

My younger son is aware of his surroundings and would do anything for another. One of my favorites is when he said how wonderful my home always was and all that we had done. Yet he always felt welcomed and could make himself comfortable. My husband was almost OCD when it came to everything having it's place, but never pushed this on visitors or the kids hanging around.

My daughter is the open and fun gal. She wouldn't miss a chance to say how much was enjoyed and impressed with someone's home or project. This is also true about other people she meets.

Did I raise these kids in the same household?
Sophie Ingerslew
12 years ago
Thanks pal for that wonderful reminder of what true hospitality is. It has nothing to do with how nicely decorated our home is or how good a cook we are. Rather, it stems from a love for others that is greater than the love we have for ourselves - as well as a willingness to share freely whatever the good Lord has given us. In my own life, I find that seeking others' approval and acceptance leads only to misery - and believe me, I have tried. I still fall into that trap. I hope that someday showing true hospitality will become second nature for me - but I have a LONG way to go...
patty_cakes
12 years ago
emagineer, boy can I relate! Two years ago, my children and myself had our 1st family reunion, and all 5 grown, adult kids came to my hew home in Austin. They knew at the time of building I was beyond excited, as this was the first house I had built by myself, all decisions by me. Youngest DD and youngest DS who both live here, have 'been there' as they watched me decorate various rooms, and they've never had issues with saying 'nice things'. Oldest DD was also full of compliments, but oldest DS and his wife said not one word about the house or my decorating, which left me a little put-off. His wife's only comment during the visit was, 'you decorate the way I would, but mine would be more country rustic', which I found totally confusing~~my home is neither country or rustic, so how would she 'decorate like me'? Now middle DD, who I would certainly expect to be complimentary, barely noticed a thing~~I went 'beyond-and-back' to help with her home. On the other hand, her DH,on entering the house and talking to a friend on his cell announced, 'i've just walked into the Taj Majal', a little over-rated, but nice.

So there you have it. The kids I thought would be the 'complimenters' and would want a 'grand tour' as soon as they walked into the house, turned out not to be that interested.

I did bring it up to DS in a phone conversation after the visit, and he said he was sorry he didn't tell me what a beautiful home I had~~it would have been nice to hear that from him at the time of visiting, but i'll take the comp. I never had to bring it up to DD~~when she returned home, she called and said what a great time she had and how she 'loved my house'. She has been out several times since, and there have been changes, but they go un-noticed by her. I don't let it bother me anymore.

The reality is, I don't take any of this too seriously. I've had many wonderful compliments from so many other people, and besides, I love my home and i'm very happy with my accomplishments, and that's *all* that matters! ;o)

Genuine hospitality and real manners.

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