Hey mom of 2.5,

I think that you will get advice from more experienced than myself, but I wanted to say a few words. Good for you for trying the "hands off approach", it brings to your attention something you wouldn't have seen had you continued to be the caring and catering SM you are. How old is your SS? could it just be a gap that Dad falls short on, since you say he is attentive with the younger ones? Try asking him questions about his son, for example: did he eat today? Hows he doing in school? Whats his favorite game? does he know he shouldnt be doing that? couldnt he get hurt doing that? wow whats going to happen if he doesnt pass this class? did you read this paper on chilren who play too much DS?etc. Maybe if dad realizes he doesnt know these things he could feel he independantly started doing things for his son...instead of the "nagging" SM. This way you can be "mind on" instead of "hands on". It is impossible to make them do anything but it is possible to give them hint that things need to be done. Hope you get better advice soon, just thot i'd say you seem to be a great SM because of your concern for their relationship.

take care

Mom of 2.5

My ex was the same with way with our children after the divorce. He had changed his visitation to consist of every other Saturday, from noon to 6 p.m. He would pick the kids up (daughter and son) and set them down in front of the TV or computer. It was at his house that my DS discovered on line porn.

He would tell the kids that he had the chance to be the best father in the world but that I had taken that away from him when I divorced him. I don't really know where he was coming from. He is an alcoholic and his logic, even without that, has never made sense to me.

I tried so many times to communicate to him that if he didn't engage with the kids in "their" lives, the things they liked to do and spend time with them he was going to loose them. He never listened. At one time, after the kids got older, neither one would go and visit him. My DS16 hasn't seen him in 3 years and doesn't care if he ever does.

I am not comparing your husband to my ex and in no way mean to insinuate that your DH is the a$$ that my ex is. Please don't be offended by me relating my story to you. I am just comparing the type of time spent with the kids.

If you haven't warned your DH of the possibility of an out come like mine please do. If he doesn't engage with his son he will loose him. My ex had his wife's nephew over a lot. Over night and the whole bit. My kids could never understand that and it hurt them deeply. I hope your DH can come to understand how important he is to his son. If he is holding back his affection because of an underlying emotion attached to the boys mother then he needs to deal with that. I hope he sees the light. He is missing out on so much as I'm sure you know.

I'm not sure that I would continue to be hands off if I were in that situation. Maybe if you would instigate activities your DH would join in and eventually it would become a natural thing for him to do. Good luck with everything.

Like everything else in life, the first few (or 20 times?) it is quicker to do it yourself than to teach someone else (DH) to. So my advice would include --

1. Check into parenting classes at the Y -- are there any age appropriated for parent of SS?

2. Before SS comes over -- prep, discuss hygiene manners with dad, and how he might help son with this. If you have to, put disposable wipes in bathroom (UNLESS YOU HAVE SCEPTIC) -- they might make it easier.

3. Before SS comes over, discuss activities -- I like board games, they give a chance to talk.

Emphaisize to DH that he has to help his son become a man.

Different dads have different parenting styles. It has always seemed to me that among many dads I know, a lot of the parenting gets done while father and son share common activities.

Some men learn how to parent best if mom or stepmom isn't around, so the dads have to step up and be responsible. So you might try encouraging your husband and stepson to do some activities without you.

What type of hobbies and interests does your husband have that he might share with his son? Does he like to hunt, fish, golf, repair computers, camp, photography? A dad can pack a lot of parenting into a camping trip or a day of fishing.

Also, it's my experience (but certainly not true for everyone) that many dads parent differently from moms. Many dads I know might not teach table manners, might not even know the teacher's name, etc. But those same dads will teach hard work, thriftiness, responsibility, respect toward others, etc.

If your stepson is a teen, then you might encourage your husband to try something your stepson likes. Paintball? Attending a ballgame together? Going to the gym together? Just making a ritual of going to Starbucks on a Saturday morning together just the two of them? Some of the things done at our house - Boy Scouts, camping, fishing, paintball, going to the gym, mountain biking, playing video games together (boys love to teach their dads how to play video games), also going out to breakfast on Saturday mornings.

Also, don't ever underestimate the power of chores. Father and son just getting out and doing yard/garden projects together, building a shed, cleaning the garage, etc.

My husband and son would rarely ever talk much to each other if all my son did was come home. They get most of their talking done when they're out and about doing other things together, or when they're working on something around the house together. But if you don't think your husband and his son have much of a bond, I'd start with encouraging a hobby together or some sort of activity they can do every time your stepson is over - going out for breakfast or going to the park. Start with something that will be fun, and then they'll want to keep it going on their own, even without your encouragement.

My husband's father is a very good father to his kids. He's also a man of very few words. Most of his parenting was done by example. He loved to work on cars, and by helping him do chores and helping him work on cars his kids learned hard work, responsibility, attention to detail, doing things the right way, thriftiness, patience. They went with him to garages, hardware stores, etc., and watched him treat others with kindness and respect. He didn't have to say a word about how to treat others, his kids just learned by example. So if your stepson is younger, you might simply encourage your husband to take his son along while he does his Saturday chores, whether it's shopping for groceries, looking for gardening supplies, etc.

I hope you find something that works well for your family!