Brice,
My advice would be to stay at home and away from anyone that turns your sacred day into a hell. Are there any people out there that have found a way to keep this coming day a sacred day?

Aside from having a day when all the cousins and aunt and uncles and grandparents, etc. can get together for a HAPPY TIME -- but if that doesn't happen, why would anyone want to be around an UNHAPPY TIME/person -- or like the one around here that looks forward to seeing the face of a DIL that won't be getting a gift from her.

brass tacks...like you I would want to stay home and avoid the situation all together. However, there are situations where that would cause such family strife in and of itself. For instance, lets say the person you are angry with is your mother-in-law. But your DH tells you that he "is" going to go see his mother on Christmas, and that he is taking the children to see their Grandmother. Your kids keep asking why mommy is not coming to Grandma's. So now, they have all pulled away in the car, and there you sit alone on Christmas day. Replaying all of the things in your mind that your mother-in-law, or SIL etc. has done to you.

Now you are sitting there alone on Christmas day, angry...and the rest of the family has to explain your absence or mutter some excuse, and now it is much bigger as all of the relatives are aware that you refuse to join them on Christmas day. Now it is uncomfortable because everyone in the family now knows, and is whispering about it, and taking sides. The kids hopefully are oblivious to what is going on, and they come in the door later with your DH all happy, filled with good food, and a gift or two from that side of the family. DH is now ticked off at you, and is not talking to you at all. He thinks that you should just let stuff go and move on, in the same way as you would want him to do, if it had been "your" mother or sister that had somehow offended him. We all want peace within the family somehow.

So now I can see why their advice is to simply be pleasant. Respectful, perhaps a bit distant...but pleasant, just as if you had to go to your bosses home for dinner, or your DH's boss, and you could barely tolerate the guy. Or his wife. You go and be pleasant, whether you feel like it or not.

Brice,
You know, I guess it just depends on the person... I cringe at the thought of big get-togethers in the first place, so it wouldn't take much for me to say "I pass" if I knew I would have to be around some unhappy people.

Well, I don't participate in the coming holiday. Not because I am an unbeliever, but because I am a belierver and the whole thing is a mockery. So, I'll attend other kinds of family get-togethers, but not this one.

I'm starting to practice '' be nice, be pleasant''and emotionally detach from my SD when sge comes to my home on boxing day with her rude and unwanted stupid comments!

I can't stand being in the same room with her and her father! I plan to go out and walk the dog alot! YES!

I'm not going to have any problem with family over the holidays, I'm running away for Christmas. Ahhh, no tension for 5 days.

Flower,
With your kind of attitude you can't be pleasant for more than one paragraph. You are going to have one lousy time coming up real soon. You need more than walking the dog to keep you out of trouble.

brass tacks,

Thank you for uncaring, unsensitive reaction towards my situation.

What the hell are you doing here if all you have to do is insult people who are very hurt!

I may need to walk the dog more often but you sure need to know how to mind your own business if you are not going to be kind to others.

I hope one day you find yourself in a situation that really, really hurts you and just when you need all the advice in the world, someone will tell you something uncaring that will hurt you.

I hope you never ever again answer or comment one of my post.

fleurs,
I agree with you and hope that brass never answers any of my posts either. What a negative person!

I too am having a difficult family situation this holiday and it involves my mother and my SD. SD has decided to go to her bosses party instead of our family party that we have done for the past 6 years. I asked her if family wasn't more important and her comment was "THEY'RE NOT MY FAMILY". Her comments hurt me and my mother very much. Her father knows how I feel but he won't make her join us.
I feel as though she needs to go and just be pleasant even if she doesn't want to be there....THEY ARE STILL FAMILY REGARDLESS!

fleurs...I know you are hurting, and angry, and I imagine the fear of your SD leaving her DH and heading your way must terrify you, because you fear that she threatens your marriage, your life as it is, and your living arrangements.
But I want to encourage you to search the step parent forum for the posts from brass tacks. She has been a long time contributor, and if you pull up her posts under search (this forum) you will find that she has taken the time to contribute thought provoking, quality posts. One of the helpful things about doing this, is that it pulls up older posts that you may have missed, from others who have walked in your shoes, and you may find their experiences very helpful as you walk through these days that are creating the pain, fear, and disappointment caused by the behavior of those around you. I have found wisdom in posts that I normally would not have even pulled up, and yet somehow, the words of a poster met me where I was, and helped.

Know that you are in good company this holiday season with other step parents, who are struggling in their relationships with their step kids.

Feeling as you do this year, cannot be good for your health, or your marriage. Could you re-group and visit your family, instead, or plan to visit a friend? Perhaps the get away would help you regain perspective, and some sort of peace during this holiday season. It sounds as though your emotions are raw. Keep in mind that the holidays will be OVER in a week, and if you can stay calm, life should get back to normal in a week or so. Hang in there, breath deep when you feel like loosing it.

Flower and Stepmom,
Both of you are stuck on a problem and cannot find any solutions that bring about peace in your homes or in your hearts. So you decide to make someone else miserable or if you say that isn't true, then admit that you can't get hatred out of your hearts. That is a big deal! You will never, ever achieve peace in your hearts as long as you allow hatred to abide there. That is a fact. I didn't make that up.

You are correct in believing that I don't hurt. I could if I wanted to...anybody could. I choose not to.

Stepmom,
I have read some of brass tack's past response to some of your posts and I was never impressed by her comments to you.

Bnicebkind,

Thank you for your comments. You are so right. All this situation with the oldest SD is not good for my health nor is it doing any thing to help my relationship with DH.

However, I have been working very, very hard in the last couple of year to better myself, to be kinder towards myself, to know my limits, to detach myself from what hurts me. I am also an extremely emotional person who hates conflict with a passion, who cannot stand pain verbally, mentally, physically. I get really wound up very easily but two minutes later I am sorry for my behavior and attitude and often regret what I have said. A truly Libra I am.

With time and maturity, and with lots lots and lots of reading, some counseling, I am achieving my goal of peace and serenity, but sometimes it's just like I become a nine year old child again ( and believe me I know all the reasons why I do this. Thanks to therapy and counselling) and become very, very hurt if things don't go my way!

I believe I still do react this way when comes to DH and the oldest SD. I am truly, truly working on it! The last two weeks have been very hard between DH and I because of SD's needs and demands. I honestly don't know for how long more I will be capable of enduring all the comotion that is created in our mariage because of his SD. I love my husband and as long as I remember that it is his daughter he is dealing with and that I need to keep my nose out of their business, I will be okay. First, I will tell DH very, very soon, that if this situation keeps affecting me, I will ask him to leave. That's not what I want, but it might be the best thing for everybody involved.

As far as reading posts that have been previously posted on this forum, I have. I must have read all of them in fact. It sure has helped me understand and believe that I am not the only one having difficulties with DH and stepchildren. The reading has helped me tremendously and this is why I am sure I am much more calmer this morning in regards to what is happening with SD and DH.

Once again, thank you so much for posting in regards to my situation.

OK everyone...breathe deep. again. and again.

Play music that eases the tension and puts everyone in a good mood.

Get fresh air when needed, and push the troubling thoughts away (they cause wrinkles, LOL) and replace them with a happy thoughts. If you need to take a walk, try and push out the irritating thoughts, and really look at the color of the sky. The gift of nature. Focus on the smell in the air, the chill in the air, the trees and the shapes of their branches. Smile.

And remember, in 2-3 days, Christmas will be over, and a new fresh year is just around the corner.