I dont think it could do any permenant damage. I assume this is a one step process. I think it is a little young, and can understand mom getting upset. Dads reaction didnt help to say the least. I forget -- how is custody divided? If mom has any relationship, I would have asked her -- but these things always come up when your not expecting them. Teens arent easy. I would suggest to Dad he think ahead re peircings, tatoos (ahhh), etc and try to figure out ahead of time what should be agreed on.

I think 12 may be too young to start dyeing it permanent colors (only because they can be so hard to get rid of in some cases/colors) BUT highlights I see absolutely nothing wrong with!
No real different then going outside with lemon juice on your hair on a sunny day.

The important thing here is that SD likes it,and she wanted it! I think it's sad her mom made her feel bad about how she looks.

KKNY:

Dad has sole custody. Bm has seen kids 3 times in 2 1/2 years. BM moved away for 2 years and moved back a few months ago. She has not been very involved in their lives as far back as I have been in the picture. BM never consulted with us before when her bf gave ss a buzz cut on a night long visit. And we never said a word to her about it.

No permanent damage will be done to sd's hair. We were caught off guard by the idea from sd. Me and DH have talked about tattoos and piercings before and that we will not allow it until they are of legal age to get it done themselves without our consent.

might be a bit young. DD was not allowed to do any alterations to her hair at 12. But I am not saying I am right, I wanted her to wait at least until high school but it is not the rule.

Now as I understand BM is not involved and almost never sees the kids, like months or even years at the time. and she has no custody and is not in the picture (unless she is now?) so i don't understand how it is her problem...As a custodial parent I made these decisions and didn't ask X. We consulted about education and similar issues but not about hair dye. it would be too weird to discuss every little thing. so is mom getting involved now? i remember she wasn't. unless she is custodial and is involved these decisions could be made by dad without consulting wiht her.

My sd10 has had highlights in her hair twice....very mildly. Since DD20 is in the biz we get things done more often and it's cheaper. sd10 isn't hung up on it and hasn't asked for it again.

If DH has custody the he need not consult the mom.

So no, I don't think 12 is to young to give this a try. It is just a fun thing to do.

SD13 has been asking for highlights for the last year or so and we have told her no. Not so much that we think it a horrible idea. but more that we feel SD is a little too hung up on how she looks vs. who she is that we don't want to encourage the looks part. SD is a strikingly beautiful girl (and knows it) but of late her personality hasn't been as beautiful. We try to shift the focus to working on making her inner self beautful rather than the outer when we can. Refusing highlights is just one of those ways.

As for mom poo pooing it - I think she's horrible. She has no right to show up once in a blue moon and make her daughter feel bad because she's pissed she wasn't part of the decission making process. Try showing up and being involved in their day to day lives, lady. Then you might get a say about their hair!!

well, as far as 'mom' is concerned she doesnt get to say anything... I know that sounds bad to some... but her voluntary uninvolvment means she doesnt get a say in what you do.

Otherwise... I probably would have said no only because I feel like it does kill the hair to have bleaches and dies in it.... but I think you did the best route subtle and classy and it made her feel good so who cares. I have told my sd (because she is on this kick that she wants blonde hair and she had gorgeous brown curly hair) that she is not allowed to permenantly die her hair until she is 16. I am sure that will change down the line but right now that is her target age... I dont really have an issue with color and what not I just dont want her to fry her hair. btw she is 7 ... so it starts early

When my DD was about that age it was all the rage to dye your hair a really fake red colour- DD wanted to so I actually helped her choose a rinse and did it myself. When we went to see my mother for Christmas my mother was very disapproving and asked DD if I knew what she'd done (like I couldn't see it myself!) so I told Mom, well, I actually did it! I couldn't see the hang up, it's only hair after all and will grow out. Not like a tattoo or a piercing. From memory DD didn't redye with the red, though she did experiment with dark browns... and managed to grow up pretty normal and well adjusted :-)

Mom of 4,
Overuse/misuse of a product damages hair, not the product or procedure in of itself.
Done professionally hair can be colored/highlighted time and again without ill effects and in fact can enhance naturally dry hair.
I've actually used dye/highlights to add shine to enhance hair that has become stressed from heating implements, questionable shampoo/conditioners, or general careless brushing techniques.
It's okay if you don't want your child to chemically alter their hair on principle, but a blanket statement that dyes and or bleaching "kills" or "fries" hair is just not true.
And you're right, at 7 years old, I believe it's too young to even entertain the idea :)

Thanks girls for all your comments. It made me really upset that bm thought she had the right to prance in here when she felt like it and bash us! If she thinks we are doing such a horrible job raising the kids why doesn't she bother seeing them more? Guess it is just easier for her to try to find fault in what we are doing then look at the glass house she is throwing rocks from.

I think sd looks pretty cute with the highlights. And like I said they are very natural looking and strangers would think it was her natural hair.

I was just upset that bm took a fun day that me and the girls shared and turned it into something that middle sd felt bad about. Its not fair to any of us.

"I was just upset that bm took a fun day that me and the girls shared and turned it into something that middle sd felt bad about. Its not fair to any of us."

Mom2emall - You just hit the nail on the head. It's not about hair color; it's about YOU having a great time with HER daughters and she has to ruin it in some way.

Remember the story about my accidentally seeing FSD's text to BM? Well, the day before, I had taken her and DS to an amusement park. It was the PERFECT day! No lines and even a concert (we didn't know anything about) by a VERY popular hip-hop artist that was clean and fun and ended up being free. FSD said "This is the best day of my life". I was so excited that I could be there with her hand help her have that experience! So she told BM about it that night after we got home. The next day was when she texted BM that she wasn't having any fun with me. So, I put 2 and 2 together and figured out that BM was jealous that I got to give FSD the "best day" of her life. What is she so mad about? I gave her 1 good day and she gives her her EVERY day.

Yesterday, I took FSD to the amusement park. We had a great time, although not exactly like the other time. As we were leaving, FSD says "Oh I have to call my mom because she told me to". BM just wants to break up any good time we may be having.

BTW, Deborah_ps is correct when she said "Done professionally hair can be colored/highlighted time and again without ill effects and in fact can enhance naturally dry hair." My hair is fine and often gets dull, dry and flat. My hair stylist puts a Redken glaze on it to give it some shine and moisture. Also, the color adds volume because it expands the hair strand causing fine hair (such as mine) to be fuller. This was all told to me by my hair stylist that I've been going to for several years. My hair has never looked better! I used to do highlights, but my hair is too fine to handle the bleaching.

BUT, the great thing about hair is that it does grow back. ESPECIALLY on a 12 year old. Any damage that might be done by a little bleach is only temporary and will grow out. The only concern I would have with her coloring her hair would be if she looked too grown-up for her age. But you, being an adult and a mother and the mother that lives with her, are qualified to make that decision. You were very responsible in asking her dad and making sure that it looked natural. Good job!

Mom2emall,

I agree with Ashley, BM didn't like that you and her girls had fun. Highlights are not big deal, stores sell temporary and semi-permanent hair dyes for the tween set. She just didn't like that you were the one doing a rite of passage thing with her maturing daughter.

BM was wrong to make the girl feel bad. Maybe, like a lot of moms with daughters (I thank the Lord every day that I have a son, hair cut, nails clean and he's good to go) she has her own ideas about when it's appropriate to dye hair, get manicures, start wearing make-up etc. If she really does, she should take it up with you since you are the mom on the scene without acting so ugly.

I agree that the dad didn't help with the I'll do what I want when I want attitude. That just inflames people. I'm sure he thought he was backing you up so that's good.