Thurman!

You explained the dynamics just the way it is.

After all these years--you are not a stranger in your own home. You know what annoys your wife and she knows what annoys you too. The daughter is no dummy either. I would bet that neither one of them are very good at taking their own medicine.

If you assert yourself in appropriate ways rather than keeping your feelings pent up--you already know that it doesn't do any good. What do you have to do to gain some respect? You've probably figured out what doesn't work. Did you ever ask your wife what it would take? If she denies knowing what you are talking about, well then there is a reason she doesn't want to say. Maybe you would argue with her, raise your voice or say or do some other thing she doesn't like. Just a thought. Cheers

THURMAN,
You have just put on paper how stepparents everywhere feel. You hit the nail on the head. We try and try but never can get it right. It is amazing how what you wrote is a mirror image of what I live. THANKS!

But isn't this an issue that you "own," not the child? As a biological mother, if my child repeatedly didn't say "hello" when she came home, I wouldn't assume my presence didn't matter. Even if I were sure she were ignoring me on purpose, rather than merely being distracted, I would attribute it to typical teenage orneriness or whatever. I have never heard another biological parent complain of this issue, but this series of posts is not the first time I have heard the spouse of a biological parent complain. I am sure my kids don't always say "hello" first when they come home; I doubt if I would even notice unless they did not answer when I said "hello."

I have to wonder if it is often the stepchild who doesn't feel as if she belongs. If an adult feels extraneous, I am sure it is unpleasant, but presumably one's sense of self is already well established and not easily destroyed. A child's sense of self is far more fragile, more dependent on the love and caring of his or her parents.

theotherside,
I think you made an excellent point. A child or young adult's sense of self is far more fragile and dependent on the love and caring of his or her parents..

Very well said Thurman. It does build up and gets to the point where if feels like I don't have any love to give anymore, to anyone. I resented my husband for not putting a stop to the things that hurt me. A step parent is really between a rock and a hard place. Stand up for yourself and your spouse gets hurt in the conflict that follows.

Thanks to all for writing. It's a very tough job being a parent. A stepparent trumps it by 10-fold because you usually don't get the positive reinforcements that a biological parent has. My son and I have an unconditional love between us, he is very loyal to me, and while there's sometimes disrespect as with any teenager, my wife (his Mom) and I can deal with it together, usually with no arguments or perceptual differences between us.

Witness the difference with my stepdaughter. There's no unconditional love. She is competitive-jealous and sees me as a "rival" even as she approaches her late 20s. I'm still trying to figure out what for, as her mother adores her. When there is disrespect, Mom has her back and there is complete division. Our perceptions are so different: her daughter can do no wrong and is perfect, and I see her as very flawed and selfish. So even one correction can turn our house into WWIII. At the very least, it's the house of eggshells, with all of gingerly walking around to avoid the eventual blow-up.

I'm thankful for all the good folks who are sharing about their struggles. It helps us all know we're not alone. Not sure what to do from here. I can't leave my wife because my son deserves better. Plus, even though the stepdaugher will always be part of our lives, our contact should reduce when she works f/t in another state. God how I wish she would get married!

Communication is the key to not having that wedge between you and your wife.You have to express to her how this hurts your feelings.Perhaps you should also make it clear between you,that if you say something to her daughter or disapline her in some way,that she NOT override you.this alone causes tension between you and the daughter,and the daughter learns she doesnt have to listen to you.
This has even happend with me and my husband and OUR daughter.Sometimes I felt he was being too hard on her (and she is both of of ours) Yet,I learned that to keep over riding him,made my daughter not really respect what he says.Even if you arent her true father,you should still be taken seriously in the situation.
I think though that is pretty common for the man (most of the time) to be the harsher parent.But,if you ground her or something,bio-mom shouldnt dismiss it.That underminds you as a member of the family.
However,if you dont make this clear to your wife,and your wife allows it time and again~you cant really be angry at step daughter.Be angry at wife who is allowing it.
I also got mad at my husband for allowing his daughter to time and again hit my daughter who much smaller and younger then his. Husband wouldnt talk to her about it,wouldnt do anything.
It got so bad I nearly divorced him over it because I didnt want my child subjected to the violence (because she turned around and started acting towards other kids the way stepdaughter was acting towards her)
Finally last year we had a break through,and now husband doesnt let things slide anymore.