The problem isn't you. The problem is an absentee father. I realize that commuting is difficult at best, but right now, his kid needs him to be home and be a father. Maybe he needs to take a leave of absence, a long vacation, but this kid is suffering and he CANNOT expect to parent him from hours away. That's just NOT possible. It's HIS kid, you're right. You don't need him at your home if dad is not there.

Teenage boys need the structure and discipline that a father provides (and that you have tried to provide but face it, you're "just" his stepmom, IYKWIM). No one is teaching him how to be a man--which is something that is very difficult if not impossible for a woman to do.

Until your husband decides that he needs to become a daily, hourly, minute-by-minute influence in his son's life, you are powerless, really. As stepparents, we are bound by the limitations of the biological parents. If they don't step up, it's virtually impossible for us to affect the change.

Probably not what you wanted to hear, but it is the truth. We can't solve those kinds of problems. The best we can do is learn to live with them.

I totally agree with vivian31. DH needs to raise his son. You have done nothing wrong and were just trying to do the right thing. Kids need structure and responsibility to grow up as productive adults. Hang in there. Keep us posted.

You sound like a wonderful parent Tamar -- good instincts, kind but firm, setting limits that sound thoroughly reasonable. Trouble is, you just don't have the power to fix what needs fixing. As Vivian said, in this case, you're only the stepparent... Without consistent support from both bio parents, you're fighting a losing battle.

Of course SS doesn't want rules and limits. What teenager does? Especially not one who was raised to ignore them. BioMom won't do her job setting and enforcing limits. And BioDad's abdicating his responsibility as well -- which is sad, because from what you've said, it sounds like a good part of him knows what needs to be done. BioDad needs to "wake up and smell the coffee" -- This kid is going to be in BIG trouble fast if something doesn't change, and you can't change it.

Focus on the kids you can parent, because SS's influence on them is not going to be good. Imagine what your 14 and 10 year olds are learning about being a teenager...

If only it were that simple. My poor DH took the job in NYC following his divorce because he took a bath. His ex-wife got 65% of their marital assets (including most of the retirement funds), and his obligations included an $8,000/month fixed and guaranteed child support/maintenance payment, as well as 100% of the boys' college tuitions. He also had agreed to pay reduced maintenance upon his ex-wife's remarriage. She had already had her next husband lined up in DC, and she told DH she would need the additional maintenance (in addition to the child support) in order to stay in the Chicago area until the youngest son graduated. She reneged on that and moved to DC when she married last summer, and that's why the boys came to live with us, but she still gets her maintenance checks. The reduced maintenance runs for 3 years of her marriage or until youngest son graduates, so she synched her remarriage to get the maximum maintenance.

Anyway, DH took the job before I was in the picture, and I think most divorced dads in that situation would just start a new life in their new city. My husband choose to keep his post-divorce apartment here so that he could come home on the weekends and be with the boys. He had tried to find a similar position in the Chicago area, but there just wasn't anything. So now DH commutes. He's usually home for 3 or 4 days on the weekends (yes, he can take long weekends, the flip is that he works 15 hour days while in NYC), and he does take time off during the school breaks (all winter break, spring break, and several weeks in the summer), so he does spend time with the kids. The irony of all this is that youngest son, during his recent tirade about how he doesn't want to live with us because of all our stupid rules, said he would follow his BM's rules because, as he put it, "No offense, dad, but I respect mom more than I respect you." This would be the mom that took off for DC and dumped him off with us. Go figure.

I should also add that my ex-husband (my daughters' bio dad) is a lawyer who returned to Israel. Try collecting child support from that. So my DH supports all of us. I once had a conversation with DH's ex-wife about how we actually have 5 college tuitions to pay for, and she said, "But DH doesn't have to pay for the girls' college!" She was really surprised that he would, and thought that he shouldn't, but that is the kind of dad my DH is. I guess because I was raised by my stepdad, with a totally absent bio dad, I don't think anything unusual about this.

Now that youngest son has opted to return to living with mom, our fixed and guaranteed child support/maintenance payment is $6,000/month, oldest son is in out-of-state private college with $40,000/year tuition, of which we pay 100%, we are still saving for college tuitions for younger kids, as well as for our retirement.

My daughters are actually good girls. They are excellent students, involved in extracurricular school activities, they stay out of trouble, and were pretty upset by what happened with the step brother. They didn't want him to leave our home, and they think he's "dumb." I think the biggest difference between them and their step brothers is that the girls have always known what the rules were, and what was expected of them. I can't imagine my 14 yo ever skipping class (she is a straight A student), yet the boys were always doing that when they lived with their mom.

I will share a funny story about BM. When oldest son first left for college, it was right after her remarriage and move to DC, so she was no longer receiving child support. She visited son at school, bought him 3 expensive NorthFace coats (we had bought him a new one before he left for school, we didn't realize he was going to need 3 more), and then called me to tell me she would need a reimbursement check. Her reasoning? Well, she was no longer getting child support. Never mind that she was still getting $2,000/month maintenance. I told her that oldest son was over 18, so no one gets child support for him, and that if any of us buy him something, it's a gift. She then said, well, she didn't want to ask for reimbursement, but her new husband thought she should. What a jerk. When I think of that compared to how DH treats my daughters, I have to feel sorry for BM, as well as my stepsons.

What was my point? Oh, yes. We have a lot of financial obligations, plus my stepson DOES NOT want to live here (so long as I am here). He just wants to be able to "stay here" when it's not convenient for his BM. So I'm not sure that, at this point, my DH's 100% presence would make a difference.

"So I'm not sure that, at this point, my DH's 100% presence would make a difference."

Yes it would.

....and $40,000/yr tuition is over the top. Is he bound by the decree to pay 100% of their college tuition? Wow. I know college is expensive, but just,...wow. Sucks when there are so many other siblings and your retirement to think about. If it were my kid, he'd be finding an in-state less expensive school and getting a job, student loads, whatever. Those numbers are staggering to me.

But hey, I'm just a little midwest girl. Our cost of living isn't nearly what the big city is, so....:/ $6K is more than my husband and I make together in 1 month. Way more...

But then again, money really isn't the problem. Misbehaving kids are.

Yes, DH is bound by the decree, and the decree actually reads "choice of school to be attended shall be made jointly by the parties and shall consider the expressed preference of the child in question, and a party shall not unreasonably withhold his consent to the expressed preference of the child in question." I guess the question is what is "unreasonable". BM actually told oldest son that he could go where ever he wants, because dad will pay for it all, and she really pushed him to go to this school out east. Son does have to earn his own spending money, but he always seems to come up short. Anyway, that first college decision is a done deal.

Regarding second son, the 17 yo, he has said on numerous occasions, "I already know where I want to go. Either the Pacific NW, California or out east. I know it's going to be expensive, but I don't care. That's where I want to go." DH has talked to BM about not encouraging son to pick college without regard to cost, as well as pointing out to son that the money has to come from somewhere, and it will come from our retirement. But son really doesn't care. I'm starting to think this may be a character flaw, and not just regular teenage self-absorbency.

I will mention that neither son is an academic scholar. They get grades that are good enough, but not great. Both bio parents are ivy league grads, so there are smart genes. DH went to school on academic scholarship, while BM was a legacy and her dad paid for everything. If either boy were accepted at Harvard, Columbia, or Northwestern (my alma mater, paid for with student loans and part-time jobs), or if the child had a specific area of study that was only offered at a certain school, then the price tag would be worth it. However, $40,000/year for a second tier school, when child has no idea what he wants to study, well I feel that is not money well spent.
Thank goodness 14 yo daughter wants to be an equine vet, and that University of Illinois/Urbana-Champaign has an excellent vet school.

Vivian31, you will probably get a laugh out of the fact that BM argued that despite the agreement, she needs more than $6,000/month. There's just the mom, the son, and a 2BR apartment in a suburb of Chicago. Her husband still lives in their DC townhouse. I think she thinks DH should support them 100%, and she likes $1,000 Hugo Boss suits.

There is a Christmas chapter to this saga. We had bought a Jeep for second son to drive while he was still living with us. The car is titled to DH. Son actually never got to drive it, because pretty much the next night he was arrested for his DUI and had his license suspended. After his latest trouble where he stayed out all night, he said, "My dad's not going to let my have that car, is he?" I said, "I doubt it." Then he decided to go live with his BM. He just got his license back, and BM asked DH, "When are you going to give him his car?" DH offered to sell the car for half what we paid. She said, "You bought the car for him. Just give it to him." DH explained that he bought the car for this household, to have an extra car for member of this household to drive. She declined to buy the car from us. Son actually later said to dad, "I know it's not your fault, but it's getting hard for mom to drive me around in just her one car." She's not working, and she's got that big Lexus truck. It must be really tough. Anyway, cut to this weekend, where BM told DH that she told son dad was giving him the car. BM is in DC until after New Year's, so son is staying with us. Can you imagine what Christmas and the winter break will be like with son thinking he's getting the car, and DH having to tell him he's not? My husband's ex is really a piece of work.

Wow. The self absorption of some people is really beyond my comprehension sometimes--but kids are a product of their environment.

FWIW, I would NOT jeopardize my own finances for this crowd. Were I you, I would setting aside, in my OWN PRIVATE account, something for yourself--for YOUR future. I'd be tempted not to even tell ANYONE that it exists and just keep it for yourself...just in case. Even if it's just $20 a week, whatever.

Good luck. Take care of yourself.

Well, the situation went from bad to worse. Since returning to his BM's, 17 yo SS rarely returns our calls and only spends time at our house for dinner once a week. We found out that he was fired from his pt job (he told us they cut his hours - yes, they cut them because he wasn't showing up), and that he was terminated from his court-ordered community service (again, for not showing up). We heard from other parents that when BM's husband comes to town from DC, SS sleeps out all weekend at various friends. Last month, we received the notice of his community service termination, and that he had to go back to court for this for his DUI, and he cried to his mom that he was so unhappy, and didn't know why, and that he wanted to go back to his therapist. This is the therapist that he told me was a waste of time. Anyway, they put him on Zoloft, which DH was not happy about. DH met with therapist and SS for a session in which he told me he told therapist, in son's presence, that Tamar, the stepmom, was the only adult in SS's life who behaved like a parent. That was nice, except DH as trying to assure me that I was not the cause of SS's unhappiness. So why are they talking about me?

Forward to 2 weeks ago. BM went out of town to be with her husband, leaving SS home alone for the weekend. Neither of them thought to let us know. Neighbor caught SS hosting an underage drinking party and called BM. Apparently, this was not the first time BM went out of town and SS had parties. BM and SS had a big fight. After they hung up, SS cut himself with a kitchen knife on the arms, legs and face. He then called his therapist, who called 911.

SS has been in the psych ward at the local hospital for the last two weeks. He was admitted with alcohol and cocaine in his system. He apparently has been doing cocaine since about January. His injuries required about 20 stitches. He will be released this weekend, and will be going to a residential treatment center for the substance abuse, as well as the self injury issues. He will be there at least a month.

We are all heartbroken. We keep asking ourselves whether there was anything we could have done to prevent this. BM keeps telling anyone who will listen that this is all her fault for being a bad mom. I'm not sure why she thought it was a good idea to leave him alone for the weekend, given both his penchant for parties and the fact that he was on Zoloft, and I don't think she was doing a good job of just plain old simple parenting, but even I don't blame her entirely. She is having a hard time handling this, to the point where she skipped visiting him a few time in the hospital. She also wants DH to take fly with son to the treatment center, because she isn't "ready", whatever that means. We would like SS to come back home and live with us, but I doubt that he will want that. And that really breaks my heart, because I don't think his BM is capable.

A funny aside, if there is one: Since we will be paying for the residential treatment, BM has been kind enough to tell my husband she will take just half of her CS until SS is released.

Anyway, that was good to get off the chest.

"A funny aside, if there is one: Since we will be paying for the residential treatment, BM has been kind enough to tell my husband she will take just half of her CS until SS is released. "

better get it signed and notarized or he will be back in court for failure to pay child support