You amaze me TOS in your purposeful myopia. Obviously this situation was very difficult for everyone, most notably the child. It appears that BM was already angry when she yelled at SP before SP laughed at her for being so uninvolved she hasn't seen her daughter in 2 months. When BM smacked SP in front of her child was she showing maturity and is that not inexcusable behavior? Was it not manipulative and unscrupulous to lie to the police and say it was actually SP who struck, when the opposite was true? Is that not also inexcusable behavior? There was lots of dangerously high volatility here with no consideration given to its affect on the child.

Your message TOS is that BM can scream, hit, lie and do anything she wants to a SM, but boy don't any of you SMs dare laugh at her.

Your intent is crystal clear TOS. You couldn't give a rat's arse about the children, all you care about is BM.

This woman sounds crazy, normal people don't hit each other. But I would assume she got so upset after you were laughing at her.

There are a lot of parents who are far from perfect but it does not mean you should be standing there in front of their kids and laugh at their poor parenting. Your DH could address the issue of her not being involved. When she started yelling perhaps you could say please talk to SD's father about her not using bottles anymore and then just walk away.

My XMIL whom I am still close to used to have a habit of cutting DD's hair every time she was visiting. i was trying to grow a certain hair style but she would cut it. She thought that long hair was bothering DD and it was not needed. When I finally got the courage to say please let her grown long hair, she stopped, she said she didnot realize it was a wrong thing to do. In her opinion having a kid struggle with long hair was probably poor parenting on my part. Well I believe that I and her father are the ones to decide, no one else.

Perhaps in your case BM saw that you are the one to make decisions and the one to make judgements, it made her angry. Not to justify her actions, but it could be avoided.

Colleen,

The woman wasnt a SP when this happened. And yet she showed the arrogance that apparently is typical of one.

Just for clarification.....I did not tell BM that taking bottles away was my idea (even though I found it embarassing to walk around with a 4 yr old holding a bottle) and the fact that most pediatricians say you should start introducing the cup and weaning a child off the bottle around a year old.

When I told BM there were no bottles because we took sd off the bottle she was already angry that my dh (yes bf at the time) was not there, and she began yelling (loud voice in my face!) at me about how could we do that without consulting her. It was just a reaction for me to laugh, here was the BM who had not seen her daughter in 2 months, and before that took her overnight one night and dropped her off unexpected the next morning(without calling and making arrangements, though she was supposed to have her one more night) because she "had plans" suddenly. She had not called in those 2 months after, except the day before to make arrangements to take her beloved daughter for the weekend. She is also the same wonderful BM that "forgot" the childs winter coat when she had dropped her off that last time when she "had plans"....how do you forget a childs winter coat when it is 50 degrees outside? Funny, BM was wearing a coat! So somehow 4 year old walked out of house, and hopefully was buckled into car seat (doubtful) all without BM noticing that there was no winter coat on! So yes, after she was screaming in my face about how DH or I did not "consult" her before taking the bottle away from a 4 YEAR OLD I laughed. Not a loud obnoxious laugh, but a quick smile and giggle. I found the situation silly!

TOS-are you saying BM had a right to smack me?

Well it hurt her daughter more than me.....imagine you smacking your ex and then your child running back to her dads girlfriend and holding on for dear life and crying! And then refusing to go with you.

No my fault.....she should have never screamed at me. She began the situation----it is "her" child right..so shouldn't she have had the childs best interests in mind and stayed calm? How is it that me, the gf then (and sm now) was able to not get violent for the childs sake?

that the onus of correct behavior always rests with the SM no matter how abusive, neglectful and irrational BM is. I doubt very much that dad can quit his job and ding BM for an adequate level of child support, college education and cars like most single parent mothers do.

"I doubt very much that dad can quit his job and ding BM for an adequate level of child support, college education and cars like most single parent mothers do."

That statement is COMPLETELY untrue. The standard of living of most single mothers declines significantly after divorce, while that of fathers increases. Many, many single mothers do not receive all or even any child support, and even among those who do, the child support is often not sufficient, even along with a full-time job, to support the children.

I am lucky, in a way, because my exH actually pays the weekly child support he is required to (though not the college expenses he was also required to, according to the decree). Are you actually claiming that I "dinged" my exH for excessive child support - $200 a week is too much for SIX kids? I went back to school and paid for every penny of it myself. He can afford vacations, cruises, HDTV's, etc - and I can barely afford HEAT!!!!!

Every situation is different and these blanket "most" statements are totally misleading as we can see with you.

And no I don't think $200 is even remotely exhorbitant. My husband and I paid double that amount for two children ten years ago, and we didn't mind at all. The Ex was also given the house fully paid for so she isn't hurting at all. But it didn't change her crappy attitude one bit, even though she is also the one who wanted to divorce.

Colleen,

where do you get this "I doubt very much that dad can quit his job and ding BM for an adequate level of child support, college education and cars like most single parent mothers do."

Do you have any studies that support this? Most single parent mothers I know work? I get up and go to work every day. Dad makes enought money to support non-working GF, so I have no issues of making certain DD gets every luxury.

"and I can barely afford HEAT!!!!!"

Really? You can afford internet service and have a computer. Perhaps you are wasting your money in the wrong places.

The standard of living after divorce has nothing to do with the original poster's problem. And you and KKNY have not added any valuable advice or opinion, except perhaps that it's not a good idea to do it.

and colleen, TOS and KKNY's agenda is to say the Step mom is always WRONG. It really doesn't matter how good or bad or absent the "real" mom is. If you marry a dad and do anything, you are wrong. I mean, I've heard one of them complain about dads gf sunbathing... like that's a bad thing. Unless she's doing it in the nude in front of your kids, it's none of your business.

I just think it is remarkably cruel that these two sit on this board which is called a stepfamily forum and lie in wait to rip shard from limb any SP who makes the mistake of posting here. And despite the facts, as a SP you are ALWAYS wrong to them.

Not that it is any of your business, imamommy, but my computer (a gift from my daughter) and my Internet service are required for my job.

Back to the original point of keepitmovin's post....

I would imagine that you probably already have some sense of how she will behave at the hand-off based on how her relationship is with her ex-husband. If the two of them are civil and polite, then I would expect that she would maintain that civility with you and most likely have very little to say - positive or negative.

If they have a contentious relationship, she could be volitile or just ignore you.

Either way, establishing some kind of commeraderie with BM during a drop off is probably not the way to go. The kids are there - they pick up on subtle vibes of discomfort, let alone having it accidentally turn out into an all-out screaming match like another poster mentioned. Your husband should be able to tell you if BM has ever expressed an interest in extending some kind of olive branch. If so, might be best to do that with just the 2 of you (or even 3 of you if you include DH). If she has no interest in going that route, don't fight it.

When you do the drop off, just be composed, mature and realize that she is likely as annoyed/intimidated/nervous as you may expect her to be so expect anything, but just refuse to engage if it takes a bad turn. If you are inclined to hug/kiss the kids good-bye, I would recommend doing it out of eyesight of BM since this is the first time you're doing a trade off and she's inclined to critique the entire experience and report back to DH.

Good luck!

I dont know if it helps... but whenever I do the drop off or pick up for my skids, the ex usually doesnt have word one to say to me if she can even be graceful enough to wipe to dusgusted look off of her face. I always prep myself up for the worst tell her exactly what needs to be said ie:d already had a shower her clothes are in her bag or whatever important info and then I say goodbye to the kids and leave.
I dont try to engage in conversation... been there done that got tired of being ignored or looked at like I was a lower lifeform. I keep it quick civil and just about the kids.

AND BTW... I have laughed well maybe the better word is chuckled at BM before... sometimes that is the only thing that you can do when she was being so absolutely ridiculous short of joining in her unacceptable behavior... its a heavy load to allow someone to degrade you and keep yourself above board so to speak only because you know it is in the best interests of the child.

TOS you were completely out of line... helpwiththis was not overstepping her boundaries (and btw there are no boundaries when a mom feels it is okay to disappear for two months with no contact) and more importantly she is not the one who put the child in an awful situation by not only verbally but physically assaulting someone in front of their child.

The whole "overstepping boundries" line got me. I laughed, hell I couldn't help it. Stupidity always makes me laugh.

the overstepping boundaries things always gets to me... where exactly is it written that only certain people can do certain things... and where to is it written or who decided that if the person who "should" be doing those things isnt that no one else can...

Well once again, we have the SMs all laughing togethor and telling each other no problem with GF doing dropoffs and laughing at mom. I can see a lot of productive relationships here. I dont allow Dads GF to participate in drops off/pick ups. Custody and visitation is for dad, not his GF.

That's not really the point though KKNY. The point is self-righteous BM's like yourself who think that they hung the moon themselves and insist that anyone other than themselves shouldn't be allowed to participate in a child's life. It's a child for pete's sake! Do you not think that a child can use all of the love he/she can get? Do you think that as women and mothers ourselves that we're not capable of loving or helping these kids along?

Excuse us for breathing the air you do!

Excuse us for caring about the children that we call our own even if they're not our blood!

We do the best we can just as I'm sure you do and we want the best for these kids that have come to us by means of divorce, separation, or the death of a parent. We don't limit our love and affection and it's ridiculous to ask us to.

Even if we only see our SK's EOW or whenever, when we promised to love, cherish, & take care of their father/mother, we promised to love their kids too. It's your problem that you don't agree with it. It's not ours. We didn't sign up to love you, tollerate you, or even to speak to you. We do so because it makes life easier for the child and for our SO/DH/BF.

On that note, if my DH asks me to drop SD off at BM's you can bet that I will. Why? Because he didn't ask me to do so because he didn't want to, he asked me to do so because he trusts me with his child and because he needs some help. No one can do everything.

I am sick to death of that mantra... things happen and sometimes, it is necessary for someone else to do the driving. If grandma was dropping off child I seriously doubt there would be any concern. And, there is a huge difference between an involved SM heck even an involved GF and your ex's husband stealing living off the fat of the land poor excuse of a women GF... And, as far as helpwiththis..Guess what this wasnt dads visitation time. This was mom popping back up after two months of NOTHING... and GF helping out because "he had to work late"... I know he should have quit right then and there and said absolutely I must leave right now to drop off my child with the woman who hasnt seen fit to even contact her child in two months ... it doesnt matter to me that my job is the thing that is putting food in my childs mouth and putting clothes on her back... I'll just get another job ofcourse by then I might lose the home or we might starve in the process but at least my GF isnt going to be the one that drops off my child and hurts the "mom's" delicate sensibilities. And you know what, my chuckling at the moms ridiculousness is far better than the many times I have wanted to tell her to take her head out of her butt and do what is best for her kids not her own agenda.. maybe then I could be fun SM that just does the fun things instead of having to buckle down with DH to make things work inspite of BM.

Fantastic!!!!

"And you know what, my chuckling at the moms ridiculousness is far better than the many times I have wanted to tell her to take her head out of her butt and do what is best for her kids not her own agenda.. maybe then I could be fun SM that just does the fun things instead of having to buckle down with DH to make things work inspite of BM."

That is the best line that I've heard on these forums in quite some time! Thank you Mom of 4!

"Even if we only see our SK's EOW or whenever, when we promised to love, cherish, & take care of their father/mother, we promised to love their kids too. It's your problem that you don't agree with it. It's not ours. We didn't sign up to love you, tollerate you, or even to speak to you. We do so because it makes life easier for the child and for our SO/DH/BF. "

I dont speak to Dads GF so I wouldnt expect her to speak to me.

The problem is that how is mom supposed to distinguish between SM or FSM wanting to make life easier for child versus SO. See that is the difference. My relationship with child is not a package deal, and she knows it. If yours, as you say, a package deal, what happens if your relationship with SO ends.

Actually, I have already addressed this issue with my DH. My concern being if anything ever happened to him that his ex wouldnt let me see the kids any more not only would that break my heart but that of my daughter and theirs as well. But, since she can't see beyond what affects her that would more than likely happen. And, to be honest aside from the fact that I would control the finances... there is no way to prevent that from happening.

And, why not assume that SM or FSM is doing what she is doing for the child rather than for some greedy underhanded reason like she loves the parent. And maybe make your (not being you specifically) actions and your words follow that mantra like umm let's everybody do what's in the best interest of the child ... like say not hitting the future SM in the face ESPECIALLY with the child standing right there. Like, maybe saying thank you for dropping so and so off. BYE.

And, I could never understand... who cares if the SM or FSM is only doing these things for the child because of the DH or SO... they are still doing nice things for your child.. they are still treating your child well... Does it really make any difference.

I have the exact same opinion as to BM... when she does put on the fake attitude... who cares if she is being fake ... I don't. Even though on some level it is irritating, the kids dont know the difference... they just know everyone is getting along and everyone is happy.

What does it matter who SM is doing the things she does for? Sometimes it's for both! You can bet your butt I'm not dropping money like rain on glasses for DH, I'm doing it for SD. Do you really think I'm cooking something I can't stand for dinner for SD? Nope. That's for DH. Do you really think I'm doing all the laundry in the house for SD? Not really. That's a side benefit. I'm doing it because I know SD will not follow the directions typed up above the washer. It saves DH money on bills. Me too since our account is joint.

Life in a blended home is checks and balances. You can't do everything for SK or DH is going to feel abandoned, and you can't do everything for DH or SK is going to feel abandoned or unwanted. It's about balance. If it makes it easier for the child, it's going to make it easier for DH too. Less stress and worry.

Honestly I don't see our relationship ending. We have been together through so much and fought long and hard to stay together. Still are and always will be.

If something happened to DH (God forbid) I'd deal with it the best I could. I would be completely heartbroken since I'd not only lose my husband who means more than I can say, but also a child. I'd fight for her of course. I don't think I'd win, nor do I think that SD would stay, but I'd try. In that case, if something happened, custody would go to DH's mother who undoubtedly would allow me to stay in SD's life because I love her and have done the best I could (always) for her.

"(and btw there are no boundaries when a mom feels it is okay to disappear for two months with no contact)"

Oh, yeah? - I think my exH would disagree. He has gone nearly that long without seeing the kids, and he has definitely gone that long without contacting the kids who are in college. How many weeks have to pass before there "are no boundaries??" 7? 6? 4? What is the magic number? And why do you get to decide?

My dad said once "it takes more that getting a woman pregnant to be a father." I agree with this. I also agree with the words "It takes more than giving birth to a child to be a mother."

Seriously! And, in what world is it okay for someone to bounce in and out of child's life and deem to call themselves a parent. You dont get to be gone for however amount of time with no contact and then come back demanding this and that... and all of your so called boundaries disappear when you are not there to do what you should be doing for your child. You can't say I don't want to do it but nobody else can. Well, you could but again the chuckle would come... because that is the absolutely most ridiculous thing anyone can say... I swear I just had this same conversation with my 8 and 10 yr old this weekend .. 10 yr old didnt want the toy anymore.. 8 yr old wanted the toy 10 yr old said he couldnt have it and threw it away instead... How selfish How utterly ridiculous. And, if you want to take it a step further if a mother disappeared from the child and left it with anyone other than the father... the state would take over and all of her "sensibilities" would definately be harmed when the state said to bad so sad.. you shouldnt have abandoned your child.

This statement couldnt be more true:

"My dad said once "it takes more than getting a woman pregnant to be a father." I agree with this. I also agree with the words "It takes more than giving birth to a child to be a mother."

lol...

Although I strongly believe that not calling your children for any prolonged period of time (certainly two months is too much)is very very wrong, I have to say that it is not up to anybody to decide other than the parents what is too much.

My X periodically gets overwhelmed with his work, on business trips to third world countries-no internet etc and crazy personal life and does not call or email her in college for way too long. Not two months of course, but still. It is wrong, but how can somebody say that since he does that ocassionally, we are going to remove all the boundaries and we are going to find a different daddy for her and this different daddy is taking over now and he decides now what is going to happen with DD. New daddy will be the one to determine if X is a good father or not.

Because the father is far from perfect we are going to kick him to the curb. Oh come on. How ridicilous! Who is to decide?

Nothing was said about throwing a birth parent to the curb. Period.

The point we're trying to make (I think) is that it's not up to BM to decide what boundries we as SM's have. It's up to DH and the SK's. I don't have to ask SD's BM permission every time I take her to go buy new shoes. She signed over that right.

But you do have to ask the parents either your DH or BM when you take her a doctor or decide on her college applications. I can buy shoes for my niece without asking anyone, but I am not going to take her to the doctor or help to apply for college that parents object to.

Of course BM should not be monitoring what kids do when they are at the dad's house, but then why so many SMs insist on monitoring what SKs talk on the phone to BM about, or what they ate in BMs house or how they were dresssed etc. I don't know about you but it sure comes across from other SMs.

I don't know about others, but my SD offers way more information than I want (or anyone would want) to hear sometimes.

The main difference is that when she tells us things, we don't grab the phone and yell at BM. But BM does grab the phone and calls yelling at DH. (and she literally does it in front of SD) If DH has a concern, he calls when SD is at school or he sends BM an email. There's no need to involve the child in those things.

My SD does the same thing. Some of it just tears you to the core and makes you want to fight the world for her.

Fine,

When DH has custody and SK is scared, hurt, traumatized, or put in danger in any way he has a right to question that, and SM has a right to say something about it too. If you think I wouldn't, you're insane.

All I have to do is tell DH I am taking SD to the doctor. When her mom gave her to us and we applied for custody our lawyer changed the traditional custody papers which she signed that say that he waives his right to CS at this time, that I have the ability to get SD medical treatment (including dental and mental), to travel with her, and the ability to sign papers as her guardian. BM didn't see a problem with me being able to make sure SD was safe and taken care of. Why should she? I took SD into my home and have made it as comfortable as possible.

If its best for the child I don't see why a NCP would have an issue with it.

You're right though... I do have to talk to DH because I'm not her parent, just like the rest of us have to talk to DH or SO.

hecallsmemom
If there is abuse or neglect towards a child then everybody should step in, not only SM. But in most cases decsribed here it is one- sided story and no abuse is involved.

If you have agreement that you will be taking child to a doctor and signing all kind of paperwork (you, not DH) then there is no problem. If mom and dad are OK with it then there is no problem. Problems arise if decisions are made by SMs just because they believe they are better parents. I never had a problem with SM making any judgements. Luckily my DD has both parents involved. So I am surprised to hear all these judgements passed on BMs.

I do not like my SO's X. I think she could be a better mom. I don't think though that i have rights to take over or let her know what i think. Actually the other way around, when my SO talks about X being bad mother, i always say she is their mother and she should be respected and what one person think is a bad mother somebody esle might think she is a great mother. It is all subjective.

Fine...

In most cases here there is some form of abuse involved. Mental, emotional, or physical, it's all still abuse and I believe that if it's happening a SP, GP, CP, whoever has the right to say "Hey, this isn't working for me. I won't take this happening." Plainly I don't think any of us would even be on this forum if our family life was working and we weren't having issues with SK's, BM's, BD's, MIL's, or FIL's.

We have the agreement. Her BM wouldn't have a problem with it either way because at least she's getting medical care. BM didn't have insurance and SD hadn't seen a Dr. in several years.

Problems don't JUST arise when SM's think they're better parents, problems arise when BM is a complete psycho, or jealous, or 1 of 100 other things. Problems arise all the time.

Yes, you're lucky that both parents are involved. Some children have that, but one parents has problems and it hurts the child. Or both parents have an issue with each other and it hurts the child. Don't be suprised to hear the judgements passed on BM's, a lot of the BM's discussed on this forum have serious problems with drugs, alcohol, or abusing their children emotionally, physically, or mentally.

Until you have walked a mile in the SM's shoes, don't pass judgement. I'm walking it right now, and while her BM is still there, she's a walking pharmacy and let her step-brother paw my SD when she was younger, she teaches her to manipulate people, she screams at her and calls her names, and she teaches her how to use her body to get what she wants. You don't have a CLUE what goes on in daily life here or in any of the other households.

It is subjective, but I don't think that some of these mothers would be thought of as good mothers by anyone. In fact I'm sure that some of the things these women could tell you could shock you to the core. You're right in the fact that the OP should be respected simply for being SK's OP, but most of the time around here, that's all the respect they should get. I'm sure as hell not going to respect a woman with a drug problem who let a man paw her 7 year old daughter, let her BF beat her, has a drug problem that is killing her, and manipulates MY husband with threats towards SD. I don't even think so. I will respect that she gave SD life and that she kept her alive, but past that, I don't owe her anything else. You'd think the same thing if you'd have seen what I've seen, or been through what we've been through with SD.

I didnt say anything about kicking a parent to the curb... What I did say was the parent that chooses to disappear for months at a time can't come back and cry about a SM or anyone else for that matter over stepping any boundaries. Particularly, in this case... It is ludacris to think that she "should have been consulted" about taking a four year old off of a bottle when she is actively choosing not to be a parent. Furthermore, it is ludacris to assume to have any say in the decisions that the father (or mother if the situation was different) make when you are not there to participate in the raising of your child. When you disappear, when you CHOOSE to not be apart of you child's life then you are not apart of their life. I am not saying anyone should be keeping the child from you but don't show up randomly and cry foul just because someone esle saw fit to care enough about "your" child to love, and care for them. You can't disappear from you child's life and then show back up saying I dont want you to let so and so to take her to the doctor. I don't want you to cut her hair without consulting me... etc etc... So, what no decisions should be made with regards to the child until/if the so called parent decides they can fit it into their schedule to show back up and be a parent. I think that there are a lot of SM on this website looking for help and just because they (we) might say we did this or we did that... Honestly, do you think we high jacked the children from our husbands without discussing things with him and just do what we please... In my vocabulary for my relationship I dont have to say I discussed with hubby ... It is a given.

" In my vocabulary for my relationship I dont have to say I discussed with hubby ... It is a given."

Exactly!

"Problems arise if decisions are made by SMs just because they believe they are better parents."

Why is it being assumed that if a step parent makes a decision that the other bio-parent doesn't like, that it's being done because they think they are the better parent? When I make a decision regarding my stepchild, it is based on what I feel is right for the child. I don't make decisions on what her mom does in her home, only when she's with us.

I won't allow her to watch scary movies, her mom does. I don't let her drink soda pop very often, her mom does. I don't let her sleep in the nude, her mom does. I don't let her say cuss words, her mom does. I don't feed her junk food, her mom does, etc.

Her dad gives her more junk food than I would as well. If I'm making her school lunch, I make the decision of what she's going to eat. He decides when he fixes it. Yet, if SD goes and tells her mom I give her wheat bread and she only likes, white bread, we get a phone call about it. The reason she was allowed to make herself a tuna sandwich the day she got sick from eating too much ice cream (her own words) for breakfast, was because she told her mom that I never give her tuna in her lunch. (I don't like to use mayonnaise in a sandwich that sits there half the day)

Is it because I think I'm a better parent? Not really, I have my own beliefs and parenting style from when I raised my children. She has hers and DH has his. Unfortunately for bio parents, you can't send them with an owner's manual of your beliefs and expect everyone in the world to follow it, just because you say. If you want to have that much say in it, then stay married or at the very least, stay in your child's life on a constant basis. I can say that I would be more willing to do things her way if she were still taking SD every other week, not just a couple of weekends a month.

kkny wrote: I dont allow Dads GF to participate in drops off/pick ups. Custody and visitation is for dad, not his GF.

kkny, sounds like pure jealousy here. If GF is good to the child then I don't see a problem with it. Do you not realize that children feed off of negativity and anger?When their BM is always out to get back at dad for having a new wife or a GF...the kids are probably going to act the same way towards the SM or GF. Not very fair to the SM or the GF.

TOS posted:
This is just another example of SM's (and in your case, just a GF at the time) overstepping their bounds. It was not up to YOU to decide when the child should be weaned - that was up to the father and the mother. It doesn't matter how old the child was. And to make matters worse by laughing at the child's mother was inexcusable.

TOS-come on now...the BM was not even around long enough to realize that the child had not been on a bottle for 2 months!! I don't think she was too concerned about her daughter. For the SM to be smacked by the BM-that is terrible!!! Sounds like BM was just lashing out at SM and found a reason to. What 4 yr old should be carrying around a bottle? She should have been happy that the SM and Dad weaned her from it. The SD is apparently afraid of BM and I can see why.

Just about anyone can give birth but to be a mother takes a lot more!

My sentiments about mothers, exactly Book!

As I am reading TOS, KKNY, and some of Finedreams posts I was thinking about something. My dh's ex and many other NC parents treat their children like a meal. They go get them when it is convenient, or they feel they need them. They keep them until they are full and then they discard them. They do not go get them again until they feel that need again. I have to say that in this case my sd's mom is anorexic! I have to say, as a BIO PARENT of one child and a stepparent of another, that it is unacceptable to dicard your child for months at a time. No excuse in the world can make it okay to stay away from your child for months without so much as a phone call. IF you do not want to be involved then you should not have children.

It is not up to me, or to the stepparent, to decide when to wean a child from a bottle. Personally, my exH and I believe strongly in breastfeeding, so weaning from a bottle was never an issue in our family. I know a lot of people who were still breastfeeding their children at four. It doesn't matter that my children were younger than that when they weaned - when other mothers wean their children is up to them.

TOS-

I do think it is up to the parents to wean the child from a bottle. As far as the comment about children breastfeeding at the age of 4...that is crazy! A 4 yr old should not be latched on to their mom nursing! All that is really beside the point though. The point was that it was insane for the BM to slap the SM! Period. If the BM felt that she wanted her daughter raised a certain way (weaned when she felt it was time) then she should have been in her life more. It was wrong for the BM to drop all the responsibility of raising her daughter on the exH and SM and then act like she has some say in how she is being taken care of.

I don't think she dropped the responsibility of raising her daughter on the exH and the SM - just on the exH. There are many fathers who do the same thing, and then want some say - and they are admired for it. Of course she should have been in her life more, but that does not give the SM (if she was even married to the father) an excuse for making decisions that are up to the parent.

"A 4 yr old should not be latched on to their mom nursing!"

A lot of mothers would disagree with you - several whom I know personally, and who are wonderful people.

regardless of who she dropped the responsibility on ... the point is she dropped the responsibility. And, I would have the EXACT same response if this was a father. NO parent has the right to treat their children that way... they are infact NOT a parent. I would NEVER admire a father for doing that or a mother. And, I am sorry but you are wrong. You can not honestly say that when she left the child with the SM and the father that there was no expectation or that you could not reasonably assume that when you abandoned your child for months at a time not only would the step mom be involved in the raising and taking care of the child but so to would her finances be used to support the child. And, yes, it does give the SM the right to work together with her husband for the both of them to make decisions for the child that THEY (not the parent who saw fit to abandon a child) are raising. And, not once in all of this did any SM say that they (we) unilaterally make decisions for our step children. What we did say was that we work together with our husbands the childs father to raise the child and TOGETHER make decisions with regards to the child. This same theory applies to bio children and marriage in general. This is what makes my own marriage strong and able to survive all of the complications that happens with life in general and with a blended family.

momof4, I couldn't agree with you more. In fact, when a step parent is involved, it's also likely their extended family is too. My SD has new aunts, an uncle and new grandparents that all care for her and do things for her as well.

TOS-

If the BM is not in the picture and the dad and SM are raising the child...then I think that it is safe to say the dad and SM are the parents. The SM may not be the bio parent but she obviously takes are of the child better than the BM. Who do think that little girl is going to remember when she is grown. The BM or the SM? She will remember who was there to care of her and who loves her. As it has been said in other posts...it takes more to be a mother than giving birth.

This BM sounds like a nut job. Slapping a person out in public in front of a little girl.WHAT A GREAT EXAMPLE! ABSOLUTE LOSER! And you guys did the right thing for taking her home after that scene. This biomom should of thought of her daughters feelings but instead reacted like a teenager throwing a fit and getting into a fight with someone the child percieves as a caregiver.
I was raised by my stepmom after my mom died and i will always remember her.
Biomoms who act violently against others and it doesn't matter who DO NOT DESERVE ANYTHING! How dare she does that in front of her child!!! and the laughing bit from the SM was out of disgust ...trust me...been there. As for the term 'we' , it was not the SM overstepping her bounds, ITs was ' WE' AS IN BIOFAHTER AND HER TAKING HER OFF THE BOTTLE. THEY ARE RAISING HER..WHERE WAS THIS MOTHER FOR THE LAST 2 MONTHS??. Drunk? drugged?...
As a mother, if i was separated from my child for more than 24 hours i would be sick to my stomack! My mother instincts are strong. Where was this ' mother' for the last 2 months? Where!
If anyone deserves a smacking its her! For being negletive to her own child and for being abusive to the person who is taking care of her. Changing her diaper, all night..all day...feeding her...playing with her...
No its not right to laugh at a person. But this laughing wasn't done out of making fun of anyone...it was a shocking disbelief laugh at a person who is throwing a fit in public in front of a child for a darn bottle!
If she was an adult and had the issue, she would have taken her child calmly and then called the biofather and had it out with him. Its obvious the father made the decision to wean his child from the bottle and the SM enforced his wishes and relayed the message.
I would have pressed charges.