I feel bad for the children because, in my opinion, they feel that it's their responsibility to express on behalf of their mom, as a lot of children do. Even though they are adults now, this didn't happen overnight and their dad should put a stop to it. If their mom is not encouraging this sort of thing, she should also tell them that it's not acceptable for them to behave like that. If you look at it from the child's eyes, they want to please their parents and perhaps mom has said or done things that make them feel they have to take her side against dad. I'm not saying that she's told them to do this but kids pick up on a parent's feelings and sometimes take it upon themselves to try and fix it. Obviously, there isn't enough information in your post to tell what the dynamics are. I'm just giving you my first impression from what information is here.

Children in their 20's are old enough to understand that what they are doing is manipulative. Christmas or any special occasion is not the time to have that kind of talk, but they should be made aware of what is or isn't acceptable behavior when they come to visit.

Oh sounds so familiar. I wonder if your SKs know my SO's grown DDs. ha Exactly, same. At the holiday table (actually during any meal) they bring up BM and BM's SO and discuss what grievances they have against BM. Very very depressing and inappropriate. I don't know what to advice, just try not to take it to heart. Holidays time are precious and why do people want to ruin them by bringing inapproriate topics?

Thanks for your appropriate responses. In response to imamommy, yes BM does tell the kids to do, say and get things from Dad. BM has caused trouble for years.

You see, BM had a 3 year affair on DH, married the guy and divorced him six months later. Then she wanted DH back. DH and I had been dating for about three years when this happened and we were planning to get married about that time.

BM encouraged the kids to cause trouble between DH and myself so we would break up. I and DH saw through her little plan so it did not work. Over the last 8 years the stuff BM and the kids have put us through is unbelieveable. I feel it has made our marriage even stronger. But, it has hurt my relationship with the stepkids and now it is starting to hurt DH's relationship with the kids.

If their our BMs and stepkids reading this post I hope you can learn from this post. Try to treat all parent, stepparents, and step siblings as you would like to be treated. If a BM or BD attempt to get you to do something that you know in your heart is wrong. Please tell the Bio parent it is wrong and to please leave you out of it, because you love BOTH your parents.

If only BM and the kids would realize that this is hurting the kid's relationship with their father. What they do to me also hurts their Dad.

If the kids are in their 20's, they are old enough to call them on it and let them know that it's affecting their relationship with dad. I would say something like, "I know you love your mother very much and she may ask you to do things that put you in the middle, but you are old enough to understand that it is harmful to our relationship and the final decision is yours, whether you want that to happen or not." They are not small children (and it's much more common with young children) that are very loyal to their parents. When a small child does it, I would be less inclined to say something, although I have told my SD8 something to the effect of that when she cries that her mommy told her this or that. I think it's important to not sling mud back at the other parent because kids are fiercely loyal and will resent you more if you criticize their parent.

What you're SK's are going through is what my mom put me through. After hearing more details, my mom also had an affair and my dad left (with encouragement of all his kids). I stayed with mom, I think because I felt a need to take care of her so she wouldn't be alone. She spent years telling me how he caused all the problems in their marriage, talked to me about their financial difficulties, even their sex life (which I really didn't need to know), and when he met someone else (dating), she would dig for information on his girlfriends and eventually when he married, she tried to break them up. She tried to get us to help but I was already almost 18 when he married and wouldn't go for it, but my sister did. My dad had to let my sister know that if she continued to treat his wife the way she did, she could stop coming around. My sister chose to behave herself. My mom still has a problem behaving herself, but she's gotten better. She comes around to holiday gatherings and my dad let her know that if she can't behave, she can't come over. (my step mom doesn't know my mom comes around because she's been in a vegetative state for over ten years) My parent's have been divorced for over 25 years and dad has been remarried for over 20.

I've been accused of being judgmental or critical of bio parents because I believe that biomom's (and dads) put the kids in the middle by the things they say and do. But, I've experienced it firsthand with my mom, where she blatantly put us in the middle. When my son would go to his dad's house, I experienced the temptation to say things (I held back because I knew how it felt when my mom did that to me) but I did ask questions that in retrospect, was inappropriate and would be considered prying. At the time, I justified it by saying I had a right to know everything my child is doing at dad's but now I see how it put him in an uncomfortable position. I also experience my SD's mom doing it when my SD comes home telling us what her mom does or says and telling us things she shouldn't know anything about. We don't ask her anything but when she offers up information, we let her know that her mom probably wouldn't like her sharing information about what she (mom) does with us. We are only interested in what SD wants to share about herself.

It's really up to the parents to stop and think about what they are saying to their children. I know that it can seem like you are just interested in your child's life but to a child, they feel torn when they feel one parent is just trying to get information on the other parent. They will also feel it's their fault if the information they provide causes a feud (ie. irate phone call or court battle) and in the long run, I think it affects the relationship of the parent that is putting them in the middle.

Dear imamommy, It helps me to try and understand my adult stepkids. When they were younger I left alot of things go and turned the other cheek, but you are more than likely right that I need to speak up. Since the kids are adults in there 20s they are old enough to know right from wrong. But that makes me sad too since I know they don't really care about my feelings.

BM has always used the poor me on the kids and your Dad can afford that for you, not me. I believe BM is a very jealous, self centered, inconsiderate person by placing her children in the middle. Also, I think the kids have learned from BM and have become alot like their mother.

It is to bad. I wish they carried more of their father traits. He is such a giving, caring man and wants to hurt no one.

I am glad you saw through your mother's ways. You should be rewared for such respectful, caring and loving behavior. Your parents and step parents are luck you are their child.