Geez,I feel for you. I can understand your feelings of betrayal and hurt.I just have to say one thing that may or may not comfort you.
If the mother is such a basketcase,it is only a matter of time before she shows them her true colors and burns them.Then hopefully they will remember all you have done for them and know you are their true mother if not by blood.
Either way,at least you can sleep well at night knowing you did the right thing.They may always be ungreatful,but you did a wonderful thing and cared for them.Not many people would be so nice.
At least you are finally rewarded by having your husband to yourself.

kg44,
I totally and completely understand how you feel. You have given your all to these stepchildren and now you have the feeling that they hate you and don't appreciate everything you have done for them.

I have been a stepmom for the last 18 years to three stepchildren. Today, I can say from experience, that one day, when your stepchildren are a little bit older, you will see, in tiny little ways, that you did have a positive influence in their life.

In the mean time, as a stepmom, be good to yourself and remember that you did your best for these stepchildren. Just stay away from the biomom for your own sanity!

Keep posting!

Thanks to both of you for the kind words. I do know that I did the best I could, and I do feel good about that. Believe me, I stay as far away from biomom as possible! Thank goodness she lives in another state!

As you certainly know, there are people who seek to build themselves up by tearing others down, and there are people who seek to strengthen their own relationships by tearing others apart. Sounds like Psycho BioMom is seeking to strengthen her own badly-damaged and fragile relationship with the kids by tearing down their relationship with you. That part's a no-brainer.

But one subtle, less-talked about, part of this picture is the 'loyalty' issue. BioMom has let the kids down badly before, is going to unusual lengths to 'fix' things now, partly by destroying their tie to you and their father. At some instinctive, probably still subconscious level, the kids KNOW what will happen to them if they don't display the expected loyalty and gratitude to BioMom and/or if they stick up for you. They know BioMom is making them choose, and that if they choose to maintain a relationship with you, she will turn on them and desert them again, inflicting a lot of pain in the process.

Right now, those two kids are in a terrible position. Any outward displays of kindness toward you will be taken as a betrayal by BioMom, and there will be consequences, possibly harsh.

Know that you did the right thing for those kids KG. Know also that on some level, they know it. They're brainwashed at the moment, but that's unlikely to last forever. If BioMom is truly the nutcase she sounds like, she'll eventually destroy her relationship on her own, and you'll be able to rebuild.

If you can, try to let the kids know that you understand their torn loyalties. But I also think it's important that they are held to a certain standard of conduct -- basic civility is always required.

Wow, sweeby, you brought out some things I really hadn't considered. One thing that hurt me terribly was when biomom filed the bogus assault charges against me. The oldest stepson knew without a doubt none of it was true, but sat back and said nothing while his mother attempted to drag me through the mud. I basically told him if he sat back and didn't defend me, not to ever speak to me again. I realize what you're saying about the position that probably put him in, but I have to draw the line somewhere for my own sanity. I am so hurt that I have even taken down all the boys' pictures from inside the house--I don't want to be reminded of all of it.

Hopefully one day this will all be a distant memory. Until then, I just have to remember what I have going for myself and not destroy that by being a victim of all of this.

Thanks so much for all the support here. :-)

We've been there with my husband's kids... His Ex is very dramatic, emotionally unstable, and did the same kind of "tearing down" actions as your SKid's BioMom. But they were directed against my DH and began well before I came on the scene. His kids knew they had to give up Dad if they wanted to keep Mom.

Once the relationship was good and destroyed, she would allow them to call DH for money, with the very clear understanding that "He never paid any child support, so he OWES you!" (Totally not true - I've seen the cancelled checks.)

It took years to rebuild the relationship. And even now, whenever BioMom feels threatened, she sends out a poison arrow and the kids have to pull back for a while. The only difference is that now, they understand what's going on, and they know that we understand what's going on. We don't apply any pressure, don't bad-mouth their mother, and are just there for them whenever they feel able to connect. Several times they've expressed appreciation that they know we won't throw a hissy fit (like BioMom) if they're not at our house for holiday dinner -- yet they always seem to be ;-) -- and that things here are 'stable' and calm. They haven't experienced much in the way of mental health, but they know it when they see it...

If you can KG, tell the kids you love them and miss them, and that you will be there whenever they feel the need to reach out. (Maybe a letter or card?) It'll stick in the back of their minds, and could be the "permission" they need some day.

I tried that recently with the youngest one, who lives with her (he's soon to be 17). He was in a Youth Challenge Program where he got his GED and he had posted a blog on his myspace profile about how he knew he had screwed up his life, etc. I sent him an e-mail there to let him know I was proud of him for getting his life back on track. It was intercepted by biomom and she blocked further e-mails there. I have no other way to contact him, I'm sure snailmail would be intercepted. I guess I could set up anotehr profile on myspace and e-mail from that since it wouldn't be blocked, but any attempt of communication is answered by threats from her.

There's still much hurt there with the oldest one. His latest scheme (with biomom's help and encouragement) was that he asked to be discharged from the National Guard, and he stated that his dad and I forced him in and that I forged his dad's signature on the enlistment papers (the recruiter was right there). Thank goodness, the Guard saw through that because I know his biomom was going to pursue charges against me for forgery on that one.

Not sure what I will do at this point, maybe let some time pass. Neither of them are calling their dad, either. Doesn't seem to bother him nearly as much as it does me, though.

I'm so sorry.

I don't have any words of wisdom of my own, but I'll quote what an old chum told her son when her DIL took the baby & left & started a bunch of nonsense:

"Go on with your life & keep your phone number in the book so that baby can find you someday."

Why did anyone need to sign the National Guard papers, other than the boy? Wasn't he 18? Did his mother have an opportunity to try to talk him out of it? I can certainly understand why his mother would be upset if someone encouraged him to join the National Guard, especially during wartime.

He entered under the split option training when he was 17. If anything, I tried to talk him out of it, especially due to the war, but he was determined this is what he wanted to do. His dad talked to him and so did his biomom before he entered.

Did you ever notice that sometimes the ones you do the most for, appreciate you the least? Why is that? Even in our own children, or in-laws. It seems to go against the laws of nature somehow.

Yes, I've definitely noticed that. Seems like nice guys always finish last. The only thing that keeps me going is knowing I'm living my life the right way, treating others like I should, and that I will get my reward after this life.

kg44, Mother Theresa wrote something about that. She wrote something that said that no matter what you do well, there will always be people who are critical about it, or hate you for it, but to do right anyway. Makes sense. We have no control over others, only ourselves, and we will one day have to answer for OUR behavior, not theirs. So in spite of it all, be the best person you can be, and do the best that you can on any given day. I wish you well. Surround yourself with those who appreciate you!

I too have these issues with my DH children. He has 4 (1 from a first marriage) and 3 (from second marriage). The oldest and I get along fine even though we don't see eye to eye on everything, we still respect each other as people. She is 26 with 3 beautiful children of her own. Her mother (first wife) and I have even been at the same events (funerals, Christmas, Birthday parties etc.) and can be cordial to each other, even though we are both uncomfortable with the other.

However the second biomom........Whew.....Sometimes I can't beleive what this woman has done. Her children WANTED to live with me and my husband, however I had no idea how damamged they were (and still are). My DH was even paying her child support even after we were awarded custody (based on the kids testimony). We never said anything bad about biomom, choosing instead to take the high road, let's face it the low road is way too crowded! However she and her family continue to berate us and call us names in front of the kids. I gave her kids everything, and I mean everything. They told us such horrible stories of abuse and neglect that I spent all my savings and income to fight for custody and keep up a household. (DH was laid off for 2 1/2 years and mom recieved half of his unemployment even though we had custody). More money for yet another lawyer. Biomom finally dropped kids off and didn't see them, try to contact them, nothing for 2 years and 3 months. At that time she inherited a large sum of money (not sure how much, but she spends with little reguard and doesn't work and isn't married), then boom she wants to see them again.

At this time SS was 19 almost 20, didn't go to school (which I helped him fill out papers etc. he didn't understand, talked with admissions etc.), bought him 2 cars (he wrecked both and his dad's truck), paid his insurance, he didn't pay rent, gave him a computer and video games etc.. He never did a stitch of work around the house, refused to even pick up milk for us, tortured his sisters both mentally and physically. When I found out about him hitting his sisters it was the last straw, I told him he would have to leave. Within 2 month he was living with BIOmom again because him and his buddy couldn't make rent. The last car (that his aunt loaned him $2000 to buy)broke down and he traded it in for a newer model, he never paid his aunt back. He showed up for Christmas, the same year his grandfather passed (2 days before Christmas), but never showed for the funeral and had his mom call to say he didn't want to be pallbearer and that if DH came near the house she would have him arrested. That is the last we ever heard from him (that was two years ago). He was over 20 by this time.

DH middle child from second marriage was trouble the entire time she lived with us (from 14). She never liked me or any other adult. She told everyone what a loon her mom was and how she starved her and how the biomom's boyfriend and the biomom would make out right in front of her and so many other stories, that were not only shocking but that I believed. I tried to make her life as normal as possible considering the situation, but it was never enough. I got her a cell phone, but it wasn't good enough, I bought her clothes, furniture, class rings, yearbooks, talked to school counselors etc. Nothing was ever good enough. She stole money and things (including the only good jewlery I had), she posted seductive pictures of herself on the internet, starved herself (she was overweight) until she made herself sick and her dad had to take her to the hospital (we had no insurance at that time),was having sex with her boyfriend in the house, doing drugs, drinking alot.........In short she was messed up. We took her to counseling but she refused to talk to anyone. We tried to talk to her but she would sit there and say nothing. She too was a slob (like her brother). Not just with her room etc. but everywhere she went she left a mess behind her. It wasn't just a mess but filth.

Did I mention at this time my DH was in and out of the hospital for kidney stones, colon removal (he almost died and it was 6 months of recovery time). The entire time I was working 2 jobs, doing laundry, ensuring food etc. was in the house, along with all the extras that teenagers have. Ride me here, ride me there etc. In short I was a single mom to another woman's children and my own.

Finally the disrespect from this girl was just too much. one month after she was 18, I told her to leave. She tried to break into my house 4 days later AFTER I had spoken to her biomom and said I would call her that evening for when they could come get her stuff (I had already given her a few boxes to get her through). I am at the doctors with my son (whose face was badley swollen from poison ivy) when I recieved a hysterical phone call from the youngest SD saying biomom and sister are trying to break into house. I call the police, while in route SD calls back screaming sister has broken in and is taken stuff out of house (which is in my name only, owned before marriage). Cops arrive, allow SD to take one bag out. Finally make arrangements and SD brings a sheriff, which was totally unneccessary but okay, if she wants to waste her money (which she recieved from the $800 graduation party DH and I threw for her). Haven't heard from her since, except when youngest SD brings holiday greetings from her. Sent her a card, nothing. At this point the ball is in her court. I have nothing to be sorry about with either of these kids. I was never anything but caring and provided for them the best I could.

I don't regret trying to help these poor souls, but at some point one must watch out for one self and those you love. My only regret would to have been to allow their abuse of me and DH and my son to continue.