Right or Wrong?

18 years ago

My step-daughter has lived with her mother who is a drug addict and theif with no job. She has been living there by choice for over a year now because she say she doesn't like me. I have bent over backwards to help her and to try to make her happy but nothing works. I have gotten to the point where I have just quit trying. She is 18 years old, skipping school (still a freshman), and has had no job. Her grandparents (my husband's parents) keep pouring out the money and bought her a car. My husband and I pay gas and insurance.

Her grandmother (mom's mom) just recently died and left no money behind. This means that her mom will have to get a job or go to a homeless shelter. This also means my step daughter will be coming back to live with us.

Here's the problem: Her room is the second largest bedroom in the house and has been left vacant for over a year. The other two children have very small bedrooms. My husband wanted to leave her room availabe for her in case she needed it. I resented the fact that the room was left unused for that long while the other two were so cramped, but I didn't insist we make a change.

My husband and I have the largest bedroom. We recently decide that we would move into a smaller bedroom so the other two children could have the much needed space.

All the plans were made and today my husband tells me that we will not be able to move rooms because my stepdaughter and her grandparents would be upset that my son would be getting a bigger room then my stepdaughter.

I was very upset. She hasn't been with us for over a year. We saved her room for her anyway. Now that she is moving back with us we will no longer be able to give the other child a larger room because it would upset her. I now have to tell my son that he will not be getting the larger bedroom after I already told him he would....

After I said all of this, my husband's responce was..."Then I will convert the basement into an apartment for her." Now he wants to spend $5,000.00 plus to make her happy. We don't have the money. But what really pisses me off is why didn't he offer to do this for my son who was living in cramped quarters while her room was left vacant.

Any advice???

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Comments (3)

imamommy
18 years ago
He sounds like he's making decisions out of guilt. Why does it matter if the grandparent's are going to be upset (or his daughter for that matter)? Are they going to pay to convert the basement? It sounds like childish step family rivalry to me. (worrying about who's kid gets the bigger room, who's kid is gonna be upset, etc.)

You and your husband are the parents and adult decision makers in the house. You are one family, not two. It's up to the two of you to decide what's best for the family, not what's going to make everyone, including grandparents, happy. It's not supposed to be his kids vs. her kids. If you can't afford to convert, then it's a poor financial decision for your family. Everyone will suffer for it.

and maybe I'm reading too much into it, but you mention that she has no job or education but does have a car and you or hubby are paying for gas & insurance. Do you resent that? I wouldn't pay for her to drive around unless she was doing well in school or working. But that's just me. Your husband isn't helping her any if he is allowing his guilt to give in to her.
finedreams
18 years ago
You do have to take SD in, of course. But there is no rule that she needs any specific bedroom. She should get whatever bedroom is available. Also unless she does Ok in school and works she should not have a car.
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kkny
18 years ago
I am confused. Is she a freshman in college or HS? In any event, if there are issues with her academic performance, then that should be the primary concern.

I think money in blended families is a frequent issue. I think communiction is important. Have you asked, calmly, DH what his rationale for bedrooms is? I can understand your frustation over "saving" the good bedroom, but that is in the past, and I think as difficult as it is, you have to let that go. As to who should get larger one now, you should talk to DH.

Right or Wrong?

Comments (3)

imamommy

finedreams

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kkny

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