If that candy is still in the house, I'd throw it on the floor & smash it with my foot.

One very easy thing to do, won't solve everything but it can't hurt, is to stop training this girl to abuse you.
Every time she is hateful & obnoxious & screams & berates you, you try to win her over, in other words, you reward her bad behavior!

"I dated her father for over a year and only saw her a few times....
He told me that they didnt get along when she was a teen and that they were never close..
We lived in another city so I thought it should all be ok...."

& then, having downplayed the magnitude of his daughter's "problems" (in other words, having misled you), your new hubs insists that the two of you move into his house, which just happens to be right across the street from his mother's house, where the major melodrama is not on tv, & *somehow*, who knows how, not saying he in any way indicated that he wished you'd help out, or pushed or pressured you, *somehow* you find yourself in the caregiver role to the children of his drug-addicted daughter *because his mother is at the end of her rope*.

Now let's take stock of things today:

Hubs has what he wants.
MIL has what she wants/needs.
Hubs's daughter, well, it's hard to say, but at least she isn't making demands.
Oldest stepgranddaughter gives you pure unadulterated h#!! & hubs says it's your fault.
You're at the end of your rope.

& you are having chest pains.

I think that, right now, not after the news tonight & not after breakfast tomorrow, you need to stop caring for these children & put the *entire* burden on your husband.

Well, maybe do one thing first:
Talk to your mother-in-law & warn her; the very first thing he'll do is expect her to step back in & assume the crushing responsibility.

Do not allow anyone to make you feel guilty, do not make yourself feel guilty.

You are burdened far beyond your capacity, & nobody's pitching in to help.

Hubs may act bewildered, or hurt, or whatever.
He'll get through that, *if you don't step in & rescue him*.

& he'll be counting on your resolve breaking & on you rescuing him.

again.

They are *his* grandchildren, & he hasn't taken any action to make them less of a burden on you even though you're in great distress.
(wonder what conversations went on with his mother before you showed up in such a timely fashion?)

He won't take any action until you run screaming into the street or drop dead.

Then he'll re-marry.

& you're having chest pains.

All I can say is where do you even begin?

And I imagine that is to get his daughter into long term treatment. Your situation sounds like one that Dr. Phil (of The Dr. Phil show) would step in and provide top notch treatment and help your family. Because what you really need, is for the mother of the children to get well, and turn her life around and raise her children. He is now working with two drug addicts who are sisters. Your situation is something I would imagine that he would help, and the treatment would be top notch. I believe that they would provide everything she needs to turn her into a successful, productive person, if they will choose your family to help. And I do not think I have heard of a family more worthy of his assistance. And perhaps he would also be able to provide help to turn the oldest girl around too.

If I were in your shoes, I would e-mail (or send a letter to Dr. Phil) and tell him "exactly" what you have told us. And ask him if he can help your family.

Dear stepmomneedshelp,

Courage! I truly believe in sylviatexas's advice, that is, to put the entire burden of this situation on your husband.

I guess it is our maternel instincts as a woman that make us love our spouse's children and care for them .......at first! With time, we realize we need to detach from these children (hopefully with love) in order to start to maintain our own internal peace and serenity. As difficult as it may be, we also need to detach from our DH's even though we always thought they would be there for us! We come to realize the choices these men make towards their children are exactly that: it is their choices and their children and because of that we don't have to rescue the husband in regards to his children! We can always discuss with them their choices and decisions, but that's about all! Otherwise we will make ourselves go crazy. Once we get this through our heads, we start feeling better. At least, that's what I am trying to do everyday now with DH in regards to SD. Otherwise, I will give up and destroy a relationship of 18 years which I am not ready to do at this moment.

Be good to yourself!

The above responses contain a lot of truth --

The situation you describe is beyond intolerable, and it will destroy your physical and emotional health, and your marriage. It was horribly unfair for your husband to drag you into this mess, and it's simply not your responsibility to fix it.

I understand that you want to help, and that's commendable. But have you considered that perhaps you're enabling the mayhem to continue? I don't mean to blame you at all -- But what I'm trying to say is that as long as everyone's heads are above water, and a crisis is 'just barely' averted (the way it is when you and MIL do all the work) -- then Social Services doesn't have to step in and provide any real help. The answer, of course, is for SD to clean up her act and become a real mother. Is she? Because until she does, nothing will really change.

What kind of a relationship do you have with your MIL? Surely she's as exhausted as you are? Is she fed up enough to do something drastic? What are the chances that the non-addicted adults in the family can come together and come up with some sort of solution?

Someone has to step off the hamster-wheel...

stepmomneedshelp,

In spite of the mother of the children not being held to some accountability, the help keeps coming.

SWEEBY'S SUGGESTION IS RELEVENT BECAUSE: the people helping need to join their forces in doing what would bring this step-daughter/grand daughter/mother of the children to have a good reason to get her act together.

I know that the suggestion sounds heartless, but you have to realize that a drug addict will always be a drug addict and that IF this woman is to get any better, she has to want to. She must go into a detoxification program and follow through with her recovery. Her recovery will last the rest of her life.

If I were you, I would seek some answers and then talk with your husband and his parents and see if you all can be strong enough to take this bull by the horns.

Whatever problems this woman has, those are the problems that need addressing while those who are helping her are able and willing to help.

Those of us that have some insight know that you are going through some very trying times. Don't think for one minute that we don't understand. But unless you and your husband move away and forget about this whole thing and forget about the grandchildren -- well, then the only way you are going to get any rest over this is to HELP IN RELEVENT WAYS.

The child that is so disrespectful -- not much of a reward now is it. Just like you, she is a victim. Let your heart go out to her. Continue to let her see what goodness is. Her mother has caused she and her siblings to have great unstability, insecurity, etc. Her behavier is going to reflect.

If you are to continue to take care of these children, then you and everyone involved absolutely need to come together and support each other in the ways you handle the children. They will need much affection and firmness. They should not be made to hear about what a failure or how screwy their mother is -- that would hurt them in many ways. It's hard to keep some of our feelings inside, but the children will only suffer in long term kinds of ways if they are reminded about how much you or others are giving up to help take care of them. I don't know if you complain to the children, or if other people do that. But if that happens, well that can't go on. That kind of talk causes children to feel guilty for their mother's transgressions. Well, it causes all kinds of baggage. It is hurtful and cruel. There needs to be some education and organization.

Do not let the mother of these children dictate to you or the rest of the helpers. Decide exactly what you will do and exactly what you will not do. The mother of these children is so unable, that you might think that you have no choices -- but you do. But YOU MUST HAVE COOPERATION from those that have healthy minds.

We can't sit here and write a book and quick answers may be lacking in the kind of help you all need. Please seek help from some professionals. If you find strength in posting and being answered -- that's nice. Some people on this forum are not helpful and are very screwed up themselves -- so I don't think this is the place for you...not if it takes the place of getting the help you need.

You need to have cooperation from those involved. That needs to be your focus if you want to be a part of a solution for this family. Otherwise, you can continue to watch the children and just watch this tragedy as it unfolds.

Personaly, if this were my problem? I would watch the children only when the woman was going to visit her psychiatrist and her AA meetings, and maybe for doctor appointments -- those kinds of things. A night out -- no way.

Best to you.

bump