I get very emotional when knowing that i am spoken ill of...its just a reaction. I get angry. I'm human. But i've also learned not waste time on it. Well...not too much time anyways:) I've basically learned to disengage of the years and i'm basically turning indifferent to the situations. i dont treat anyone special. So my Dh has two kids and we've gone through some turmoil..but i've stood my ground on each occasion. Do they hate me? I dont' know? Maybe they are hating me now since they are hitting their teens. most important question: Do i care? NO. I honestly have reached the point of not caring. If you dont like me, too bad. STay away. I've shed alot of negative people out of my life. Friends, family, and my marriage has improved. It really has. I was about to divorce my DH last year. Went for counciling and realized, BM and her kids were not worth it. BM wants my DH miserable, uses her kids as pawns against him. So i've turned the tables. I confronted my Dh. Told him i understand his depression, his disappointment with his kids and told him its not his fault. Its BM.All the things she has done and said over the years. Granted thsi past year she has been quiet because she has issues she is dealing with under her household...and hte kids are spending less time with us. Whichof course makes her happy. She enjoys trying tomake my DH miserable. But he has begun shaking these emotions off and stepping bakc and saying, its not my fault. And when hsi kids try to guilt him he turns it aroudn and tells them, YOUR DECISIONS, NOT MINE, THEREFORE NOT MY FAULT. ALL YOUR FAULT. I'm so proud of him. For not taking anymore emotional abuse from BM or his kids. Its sad, yes they are stuck inthe middle, but they are also at an age of learning. ANd they must learn to respect another person. to not manipulate situations and to honestly love someone , and not call because they just 'want' materialistic things. THey are both good kids. They are. They are growing. But have been trained not to have us as family by BM due to her insecurities. They all wil have to live with it when grown up. Me. i'm concentrating on my family and trying to be happy. Nikemama, chin up. Be glad and proud of yourself as a human being and a wife that you honestly tried to help and love another person. And continue to be happy because you are a good person. And if stepson says he 'hates' (which he doens' tknow the true meaningof..) then let him hate. Continue to be happy. If your SS wants to be miserable, then its his decision to do so. Why be stress if someone else chooses this? My Sd tried to pull this one on me, and say your not my mom. I said ya your right...then i went out and enjoyed myself like Disengage did. She's also never used that card on me since. Kids, all kids, will test their boundaries. Thats what they do ...we all did that in various degrees. Enjoy your time and concentrate on being happy.

Welcome debunny! You've already gotten some very good advice on breakfast in particular so I was going to address the situation in general. It seems to be a recurring theme here where Dad has/gets custody, but SM is the one who spends the most time with the kids, trying to maintain consistency and keep to the agreed schedule and rules, only to have her DH pop in and start making "exceptions" and un-do all of the progress SM has made. As for SS's trying to get a rise out of you, I wonder about that. My SS is only eight and has lately started arguing with me about everything, and I mean everything - if I mention a news story I read he'll try to argue with some part of it! But, he mainly does this with me, not with DH - and he only does this after weekends at BM's. I'm wondering if he's testing me. He's already said if he pushes at BM she either gives in or screams at him and spanks him. I don't know if SS is trying to see if he can make me reach my breaking point, or if he's checking to make sure that I don't push him away too. I can't imagine how a 14 year old must feel when their mother announces that she doesn't want to deal with him anymore and wants him gone. I'd have to think that he has some issues right now with maternal figures - and unfortunately it is now you who is right in that spotlight. To make matters worse, it sounds like your DH just wants to stick his head in the sand and dump most of this onto your shoulders - so of course now you look like the "bad guy" on top of being a woman - and thus likely to kick him out with almost no notice yourself. I don't have a magical solution (yet!) because we're struggling through some of our own things right now. Some of the things that have helped us are to have very clear, very well-defined, agreed upon expectations, with set penalties for violation thereof. I try to make sure that the "rules" do not involve any judgment calls - because that's when DH is most likely to want to make an excuse or an exception. So, instead of saying, for example, "room must be tidied" it would be "floor must have nothing on it but furniture, all clothes must be either in dresser if clean or hamper if dirty, bed must be made, all toys must be in toy box". SS knows exactly what to expect, and I have that clear guideline as well, so there's less of DH wandering in from work to find a room two-thirds of the way tidied and saying "Oh, I think it's pretty good - what's the problem?". Meanwhile I'm ready to pull my hair out because I've spent the past four hours with SS coming to me every five minutes saying "It's done!", when I check, the only thing he'll have done is maybe make the bed - and SS will put away one more toy and then find me again - "It's done!" Over, and over, and over. Maybe you should all sit down and come to an agreement - here is a list of foods SS can eat for breakfast. He can eat as much of them as he likes. He is not to have breakfast at school. (You may have to negotiate in "exceptions clause" because guaranteed otherwise DH will say "Oh, it was only one time! Let him go!"). Here is what will happen if SS eats breakfast at school - the cost comes from his allowance, he is required to do household chores, whatever. Done, post them, proceed. Now, it's not incumbent upon you to convince SS he needs more milk, apples are good for him, he didn't eat "enough" breakfast, or anything else. Did he eat food from "the list" or not? Did he eat breakfast at school? Yes or no, true or false? See what I mean? It's no longer your judgment that's in question - it's a clear infraction of rules and boundaries agreed upon by all of you. And the complaining about meals needs to be stopped now. I'm usually the one who cooks dinner as well, and I told DH in no uncertain terms that I was going to stop cooking entirely if I had to ever hear "Ewwwww! Yuck!" at the dinner table - it's just very bad manners. You don't have to like my cooking, you certainly don't have to praise it - but since I went to the effort to put a nice homecooked dinner on the table you'd better not disparage it while I 'm sitting right there!

Very similiar situation as you describe. I am stepmom, age 45, married to bio-dad for 9 years. Kids are now 20 and 21. Never really heard a clocking ticking and after I had a few years of step-parenting under my belt never really listened for it. Our kids needed both of our attention so much I knew having our own kids would only create more disfunction for his kids. My theory is you should never have kids to fill emptiness in your life. Kids should be brought into the world to share your life with you when you have it figured out. Their bio-mom was a little off balance needing to replace her mother title with best friend and party partner. Kids had the time of their life being with their mom during the high school years as bio-mom had no rules. Now, bio-mom is living in a small house with no room for kids to visit. Don't ask me how she affords to live, she doesn't work but she is real nice to naive, suckers who give her money. Not really sure if she has had enough of the kids or they have come to senses about her. Problem is I got used to not having them around...now college isn't working out and they are both coming around to the stable enviroment...our house. Unfortunately I'm ready to cut the cord and begin enjoying our life before grandkids come. Our house isn't big enough for 4 adults, especially adults who seem to think daddy-o is full of cash. I know they are still young and they have a lot to learn. Really, because they spent so much time with their mom they are behind the curve in maturity and responsibility. So....I guess its up to the stepmom to have patience of a saint and get us through it. I love the kids, I'm harder on them than their dad or their mom. Now, they don't like it.....Later, when they have their own kids and it matters more I hope to have made the biggest impact to them. For now, I rise above and be the bigger person. The only thing I would have changed would have been speaking up earlier on in our marriage and having the kids have regular chores and repercussions of not completing their chores. Kids need structure and responsibility...they flounder for longer than necessary if it's not provided early on. Unfortunately, divorce creates a lot of guilt in both parents and no one wants to be the bad guy. The loser ends up being the kids as they venture into adulthood.... Stand your ground and communicate openly and honestly. It's your only chance.

I’m so glad you found peace Southern Summer ! I know it’s not the way we all visualized our blended families to be, but we had no choice but to separate & RE-gain our marriage back. I know that feeling & I am so glad your husband realized what was happening & found his way back to your marriage as priority & backed you, his wife, his future. I’m so glad to have connected with other SM’s who get it. Have a great day & keep smiling, there is a great life out here for all of us !