Ok my first question is... Is your house the one she lived in with her mother and father? Or is it a new house? I assume if it was once her mothers residence then your outta luck, the daughter is always gonna let her in. But you do have an option, you can petition the court to issue an order saying that the ex is only allowed to come at appointed visitation times. Then have a neighbor aware when your daughter will be home alone and notify you if the ex stops by. If she does then you can take action thru the courts and not with your daughter. Im sure she feels stuck in the middle and thats not good for any kid.
If your worried about personal information she might find I suggest a fireproof box that locks and a good hiding place. That way no matter what your things are protected.
And remember... a girls teenage years are hard enough without trying to deal with the grown up problems of divorced parents.

step mommy, going bonkers has a good point if the house once belonged to your DH and his ex it will be hard to stop the ex from entering.

I had the same problem with older step kids (one was an adult at the time) having bio mom over to our home. It was DH and my home we purchased it together, however. the ex and the step kids felt they were entitled to it. I had purchased a large screen TV with surround sound when we first purchased the house and turned our basement into a theater room. It was great, but the adult kids felt like they could invite bio mom over when we were gone. One time we came home early and caught the kids by surprise. They quickly had to call bio mom and tell her not to come over to watch movies. After that I wised up to them having bio mom over and made sure we weren't away for long periods of time.

The adult kids and the ex were going to attempt it again for xmas, but I said no. Their mother has her own house they can spend time there, with her. There is no reason she has to be in our home when were not there. Also, why is it she only comes when were not there? That probably a sign she shouldn't be there.

Now with a younger child it could be more difficult. I dealt with 17 year old and a 21 year old step kids on this same matter. So I felt they were old enough to know that is was not appropriate and they did becuase they only had her come when they knew we were away.

Could DH and yourself try to explain this is your home now and bio mom has her own place to live? Do you think this could work? I know how you feel on this matter. It is like someone you can't trust invades you private space, your home. Keep me posted.

DH and I bought a house together. Several years later, my Ex and his new wife bought a house a few blocks away. Ex travels for pleasure fairly often, and when he does, our teenage son goes over there to take care of the pool and pets.

One of the first trips occured during some nasty weather, so I drove our son to Ex's house for his chores. The whole way over, DS was squirming and uncomfortable. When I pulled into the driveway, he finally turned to me and said "My Dad told me not to let you into the house." It was like a slap in the face. After taking a second to adjust to the pure shock of it, I told DS that I was sure his father meant that he shouldn't let *anyone* into the house while his parents were out, and that that was a very good policy. But DS said "No, he only said you."

I should point out that we had been divorced for about 8 years at that point, had always been reasonably civilized, and that I'd never done anything unethical or 'slimy' to warrant that kind of treatment. I understand he didn't want me in his house uninvited -- that goes unsaid. I don't want him in my house uninvited either, and I'd be shocked if he didn't know that. But to make the kid "the enforcer" is wrong. Just plain wrong. It tells the kid "Your other parent can't be trusted." and "You have to tell the other parent they're untrustworthy." Talk about putting a kid in the middle!

If you decide to leave your daughter home alone, have a very clear policy that is understandable and doesn't single out her mother. For example, ABSOLUTELY NO ONE is allowed in the house when you're not home. Or, people you know well (such as neighbors and BioMom) are allowed inside the entryway for a few minutes, but NOT free roam of the house. (There are nosey neighbors - blame them or paranoia in general.)

If you think BioMom might be a problem area, have your husband call her and diplomatically explain the policy your daughter will be following, and that you don't want her putting your daughter in a difficult position. (Then get the firesafe and ask the neighbor for help.)

This is a new house...only my husband and I have lived in it, not the ex...even though we somehow receive her mail at our house... but that is besides the point. My husband and I have let his daughter (my stepdaughter) know that she would not be allowed to have anyone in the house. We didn't single out just her mom. But she told us that she would be uncomfortable not letting her mom in if she asked/stopped by... I do have a fireproof box that I will be stashing the personal info in. Thank you all for your thoughts on this matter.

I think you should tell the mom that you are uncomfortable with her being in the house while you arent there. If she is a reasonable person,she should have no problems with this fact.
Otherwise I think that gone bonkers is right that going through the courts is the best thing to do.

"She has told us numerous times that she would let her mom in our house... Also, just to throw another thing out there, before I was married to my husband, our neighbor told us that one day while we were at work, my husbands ex tried to get into the house... As we all know, bank statements, ssn cards, etc would be in the house. Should I start letting her stay by herself, or should I be concerned?"

I think you answered your own question.

What you're facing here isn't a possibility, it's a certainty.

Looks to me like your SD is a minor, and you own your own home. Your house - your rules on who enters and who doesn't. Be a parent, not a friend to your SD. This is just another test of the boundaries. I'm quite sure that there would be problems with you entering the ex's home without her consent. 13 year-olds don't call the shots, for good reason. If the ex and SD refuse to respect your wishes, then call the cops then next time the ex has entered your property without your consent. Have a court order placed on her that does not allow her access to the house, except in the case of emergencies.

The day someone leaves their home it is legal for the remaining homeowner to change the locks. However, if there is an outstanding ownership issue with the residence, simply have the ex agree to a quit-claim deed on the residence. The quit-claim is usually a requirement of the divorce agreement.

Talk to the kid about closure already.

We might be able to get closure on a failed marriage or a former spouse, but I don't think it's something we get with our mother.

especially if we're 13 years old & our mother is pressing us to be nice to her & let her in the house.

There are situations in life where the correct answer changes, depending upon the viewpoint from which you are standing. This is one of them.

For obvious reasons, I think it would be extremely uncomfortable to have DH's ex-wife in your home, for numerous reasons.

however, from the childs viewpoint, what a damaging message to tell your child that their mommy or daddy is not allowed in daddy's home...EVER!!!!

And from mommy's position...I do believe that there are many NORMAL, good women (bio-moms) who mean no harm, and would NEVER consider snooping...although she may be curious just to see the home where her ex and children live/visit. But I am sure they would be equally uncomfortable being in your home.

But to call the police if they stop by??? Are you kidding??? So often we hear on the step parent forum that the EX-WIFE (BIO-MOM is horrible/insane etc) But if someone actually called the police because an ex wife stopped by...consider that you are turning into the crazy one, and need to re-group and talk out your feelings with a professional.
I imagine just the thought of his ex-wife in your home can certainly trigger anxiety, and shortness of breath, and all sorts of emotions. But unless you know her to be a thief, or terrible snoop, do not go off the deep end calling the police, or it is you who is the crazy one. And i say that would more understanding and compassion for your situation than you can imagine. my emotions would all follow the same path, only I would have to tell myself to get a grip. Women are very territorial about their homes...and women also can be so judgmental and hard on one another, that to have an ex-wife in the home can be very stressful. But it is not a matter for the police!

a girls teenage years are hard enough without trying to deal with the grown up problems of divorced parents.

Exactly. Don't put her in the position of having to tell mom she can't come in. If having biomom in the house when you're not there is a big problem (and it would be for me, not that we have anything to hide, just a woman thing, I don't go wandering around in her house, even though my DH pays for it), then the 13yo shouldn't get to stay home alone after school.

Getting a lockbox is a good compromise. You get the comfort of knowing biomom can't access your personal info. SD isn't put in the middle of mom and dad's drama.

Let me add though, from personal experience -- the ex doesn't need to snoop through your house to keep track of your DH's financial situation. She has his SS# and shares his name so she can easily find out anything she wants. I'm sure my DH's ex knows more about his assets than I. He does monitor his credit reports so he can quickly close any accounts she opens ;-)

We stepmom's need to pick our battles and this one may not be worth fighting.

"our neighbor told us that one day while we were at work, my husbands ex tried to get into the house..."

Well, I really do think that's a bad indication...

Even if financial documents & such are locked up, I my own self don't like the idea that someone could be going through, say, my lingerie drawer.

Just make arrangements so that this girl isn't put in the position of having to either say no to her mother or betray her father & stepmother.

She can go to a friend's house, or do an after-school activity, or go to the library.