Oh my! I could almost swear that your are my ex husbands wife! Get over your jealousy. It is not becoming to anyone. If he wants to be with his ex, he'll go be with his ex.
My ex wasn't even allowed to pick the kids up at my house when we lived in the same town. His little jealous wifey was so afraid that he'd want me back. I found her behaviour funny. There were even a few times that my ex called me because he was so frustrated with it. I never wanted my ex back. I'm sure I had a chance of getting him back though, cause she was driving him crazy. So don't drive your guy away.

He's never been allowed to spend money on my kids. She won't let him because "he pays child support". Read the child support statutes. No where does it say that child support pays for presents. What do you think the poor 5 year old is thinking? He's probably thinking that Daddy doesn't care anymore. And one day they will see that you're the reason there were never any birthday presents. So if sending the kid a ten dollar present is that much of a burden on you, then go for it. Hurt the poor kids feelings. Can you imagine being a 5 year old and Christmas morning comes and there are no presents under the tree. And your mother looks down at you and says "of course there are no presents. We already feed and clothe you and put a roof over your head, why would you get anything else?" A gift means the world to a child.
As far as what your fiances ex is doing. Could part of it be just to get your goat? Try not acting jealous for a while and I bet it will stop.

I also chose not to have my children around my ex's wife. She made it aparent through her behavior towards the kids and her jealousy and her fear of my kids getting one more dime from their father, that I decided that she was not a role model that my kids needed to be around.

PS: Is the title of your post supposed to be referrng to your fiance's ex?

I can understand being upset with the ex, espeaically since shes saying mean things to the kids about you. I think the kids do need to see their father...it is wrong for you not to let him see HIS kids. If I was you husband and you were my fiance, I would have left you! You shouldnt ask him to choose b/t you and the kids, thats not fair!

I think you bring a lot of the problems on yourself. You need to realize that this man is with you. He moved to your state and not closer to his kids...which he really should have done for them. So you need to stop thinking he's going to leave you for his ex and if he does...he does and you can't do anything about it. You'll just get over it and move on with your life. Why want someone who doesn't want you anyway?

Also, it's not fair for you to put up a fight and make it so he doesn't get to spend any time with his kids or buy them presents or call them. Down the road what will happen? The kids will say they had a dead beat father that never cared. That child support money that was paid to their mother for them means nothing to a kid. It's the time and thought put into being with the kid, not money. Any little child that's more concened about money than having a parent around was brainwashed by his parent. And it's no wonder the ex doesn't like you because she deals with these kids and sees how hurt they are. You can't expect her to go around saying you're a wonderful woman when you won't allow him to be a daddy to those kids.

In some ways it sounds like you want your finace' to just have you and nobody else in his life, but you found a guy who had been married and has children. Get used to them being there or find some single man with no past.

~Leslie~

Susnnn- Thanks you for your honesty! I am young and immature. I would never ever talk bad about their mother to them. His kids use to know me when they were really young b'cause I was friends w/ him and his now ex. But I haven't seen them in over 2 yrs. I would want them to like me more than anything. We are supposed to get them (just the two) this summer. I would love to not be so jealous of the ex. He says after this semmester ( I am in Nursing school) he wants to move to WA about an hour or so away from his kids so that they are driving distance. I would love for him to be happy. If he doesn't have his kids , he will always have a hole in his heart.
I grew up w/ out a dad. I guess I think it's easy to discard of your kids. I know my bf loves his children. I just wish I could "butt out" and let him be a father. Thank you for your imput.

wow, if you can take some pretty harsh honesty that well, then i think you're doing okay for a start. you do have a ways to go, though....

you said it yourself that if the guy were to be continually separated from his kids, he'd have a hole in his heart. well, look at it this way--you think that right now you're competing with the ex for his affections, but pretty soon you'll also be competing with the kids, if you aren't already. you've set yourself up against them. i don't think you sound like the type of person who really wants to do that.

and here's another angle to consider--he obviously LOVES those kids. do you know how many deadbeat dads there are out there? how many children there are out there who need fathers and will NEVER have them? you've experienced this yourself. i have, too. but here's this guy who loves his kids, and is heartbroken at this situation. and if he obviously loves the kids so much, just think about why he's still with YOU right now. i doubt it's just because it's cheaper to split rent between the two of you. he obviously feels enough for you that's he's stayed this far from the kids for no other reason. do you know how valuable a man this is? he actually CARES about people!

the problem is that you can't keep pulling him in opposite directions for much longer. you can't say "it's me or them," because he'll eventually have to decide. what YOU have to decide right now is which you value most--the time and effort it would take to make the situation livable (know that the ex might never be pleasant, but, in time, you all might possibly reach "civil") OR the man you might lose, who sounds like a wonderful guy.

your choice.

You believe the ex when she said they slept together? I see a lack of trust here. And without trust the jelously will never end. If this relationship is going to last, you two need to work on that first. Just because he want to be in his kids lives doesn't mean he want to be with his ex. It sounds like you two need to seek counseling.
Now here comes a hard reality check. Why wouldn't the ex not want you talking with the kids. She sees you (and rightfully so) as keeping their dad away from them. As you know kids need both parents.
This doesn't mean you are a bad person, but it sounds like this is something you can't handle. Be honest with yourself.
If you really can't handle him having "baggage" end the relationship. Then both of you can have a chance at happiness.

Mikella -
Here is an unpleasant truth: Relationships NEVER END! They may change their form, but they continue to exist. A wife becomes an ex-wife, a mistress dumps you, a girlfriend can become someone else's wife, but the shared experiences can't be deleted like it was a file on a hard drive. With children, unless the man is doing a pathetic job of parenting, he will have to have continuing contact with THE MOTHER OF HIS CHILDREN for the rest of their lives.

If you want a man with no ex-female relationships in the picture, you'll have to find a male infant and arrange to have him raised by wolves in a cave in the woods. If you want the guy with the kids and ex-wife, you have to change yourself so that it doesn't bother you.

If you can manage to relate to her as THE MOTHER OF HIS CHILDREN - someone who has a great deal of influence over children he cares a lot about - and stop viewing her as a potential rival and threat you will probably find that hings go better. Remember: HE DIVORCED HER!

"She called me and said they had slept together and that he wanted to be a family again-which he denies it all. I believe her though."
If you really believe her instead of him, break off the engagement right now and let him find a woman who trusts him. Maybe she's telling the truth and he's lying, but this kind of doubts in an engagement don't go away after the vows.

Quit being jealous. Don't get married, too.

His kids will always exist (hopefully). You are SECOND, my dear. Your fiance does not and will never put you or your happiness before his own children. They are his flesh and blood. You are apparently immature and selfish (you said it yourself) and my God, this is a very bad situation for children. Look how young they are! So what if his ex is a monster? So is my ex. My boyfriend has had a helluva time dealing with him, and since he doesn't have children, had a very hard time adjusting to not being first in my life. He is used to being second.

Just like you need to get used to it. If you try to keep your fiance away from his kids, he will hate you. It may not show right away, but that hatred will swell over the years. And one day he will not be able to look at you, let alone, love you.

I grew up with a father, but he was only home on the weekends and he never said two words to me. When I was 21 he suddenly took interest in my life. So I can relate to the saying, "fathers can discard their kids". That has been my sole problem over the past 6 years, with my own daughter - because her father saw HER as disposable. However he is in her life and always will be. I would never ask my man to dump his kids over me, that is not only cruel and heartless but it is plain ignorant. Like a 2 year old stomping his feet in protest because he wants candy yet mommy won't allow it.

I can tell you this much, problems that existed pre-marriage only manifest after marriage! Do not marry until your problem is fixed or gone. That might mean not marrying at all. People think standing at the altar and exchanging rings erases all the problems, but it only makes them more noticeable.

- darkeyedgirl

"....now he can't even talk to his kids unless I am there to monitor his calls to make sure he doesn't talk to the EX. "

"He barely calls anymore, he didn't buy the 5 yr old a gift on his b-day b'cause I say he pays too much in C/S (770/mo for 2 kids)"

"I got extremely mad when at the last minute this X-mas he bought them a gift when he said he wasn't going to."

" I can't get over the hurt from last X-mas, yet I'm killing him inside bacause I won't let him see his kids."

" Oh ,and I got mad when he bought the ex-step son a plain ticket over here-He is not his kid- but the EX wants my bf to treat him just as he did when they were married."

I don't even know where to begin, because I can't type the words that I would like to. The title of your thread should have been "Wicked Witch of the East", because that is what you are.

You need to do everyone a favor and get out of this relationship. You are incredibly selfish and you are punishing these innocent children because of your baseless insecurities.

It is absolutely SICK to tell him he can't see them, call them or buy them gifts. What do you think those children are feeling when their daddy never calls? How do you think that 5 year old felt on his birthday when he didn't get a gift (and probably not a call) from his daddy? Do you even CARE? Obviously not - you are too busy focusing on YOURSELF to take one second to consider how your actions are affecting three innocent children.

And who are YOU to say he pays too much CS? Do you know how much it costs to raise/feed/clothe children? Do you understand that these are his children that he is obligated to support? Did it ever enter your mind that he not only is obligated but WANTS to support his children?

You are doing massive damage to these children and don't deserve any kind of sympathy. I can't believe he hasn't kicked you to the curb already, although HE deserves a swift kick in the pants for letting you attempt to destroy his relationship with his children.

For what it's worth, I am a second wife and GLADLY help pay CS to his ex. In addition we buy gifts, plane tickets, and many other things for his child. I don't give it a second thought - this is his child who we both adore and deserves all we can do.

Please, get out of this relationship and GROW UP.

Don't mean to be hurtful , but you are so messed up that you have no business being in ANY rlationship. The problem is not him, his ex wife or the kids or anything. The problem lives within YOU. Until you fix whatever it is that is tearing you up inside, you will never be able to sustain a relationship. You are driving him away. Its just a matter of time. If you really love him, do what's best for him. What kind of insanity will possess you when you live just an hour away from the ex when you are acting this way from a distance of thousands of miles? You can't build happiness on a foundation of unhappiness and let me tell you ... what those kids are going through because of you is pitiful. When he sees his kids hurt ... guess who will be the one left all alone in the end? It will not be in your hands to control any longer. I don't blame his ex wife for worrying about the kids in your presence. You are downright unstable.

HI there....I used to be in a relationship a little like yours. He had custody of his daughter and the mom was a part time deadbeat. I was about your age and always mad at something or another. MOm didnt pay her $7.00 in child support, mom didnt show up in time. I was so jelous because he talked to his ex..because she loved her mom (even though her mom was a loser) ect ect ect....I didnt have children either. We were constantly fighting ALL the time... We finally after wasting a few years broke it off. It was the best thing to happen to me. YOu need to get out and move on. Find a guy with no baggage there are so many out there. Especially at your age. Why burden yourself with this garbage? I know I know BUT, YOU LOVE HIM!!!! Well guess what I loved Mr. Daddy also and because of my jelousy and not having children of my own it didnt work. My ex used to tell me "how can I marry you when you do this??" He will not marry a women that keeps him from his kids. You will get over it and be happy. You are miserable. I remember how I felt..it was ALWAYS something!!! I was miserable. You are only 22 years old... I dont think you are unstable you are just very young to be in a relationship with this kind of baggage. I acted somewhat the same way. I am not unstable I was just very young and inmature. Now I am 35 and I look back at that whole relationship and feel like calling his ex and telling her I am sorry for being such a BRAT among other things.. It was all so stupid...I would throw a fit when he spoke to the ex on the phone STUPID!! I was mad when she was 15 minutes late INMATURE!!! I wish you luck but, you need to realize that you need to be number one AND THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH THAT!!! But, with this man you cannot. YOu will find someone else and he will become a distant memory...Been there...Happy my guy has two adult boys...lol...Good luck to you ...

It is good that you can admit you are behaving badly. Why don't you seek counseling? I also agree with those above who have advised you not to marry him. Best of luck to you in the future.

My father married someone just like you when I was in the 7th grade. How on earth can you intentionally hurt a child? Are you really a bad person or just an ignorant one because that is what you are becoming. I am 22 as well, but I accept things and what I can't accept I change. If you can not accept the fact that a man actually had a relationship before much less kids then you need to do the kids a favor and get out now.

I am really doubting that this woman is a witch as you say. I would be a witch too if the father of my kids was throwing them away for some woman. If he is willing to do this to her, then why in the world would you think you would be any different.

Let's say in a year you are married and you are having a child. Two years later you gt divorced. He meets a woman like you. Next thing you know you are alone and he is off with her, a woman who is so insecure with herself that she wants to deny the man she supposedly loves the bes thing in the world. I know I would not want that kind of man.

You need to get out of this relationship now and get some help. If in the future you feel that you can deal with reality then you can get back with him, but until then heaven help those kids.

The best thing you can do for this man and his children is to get out of his life and let him get back together with his ex-wife. Because of this situation you describe, his children are living in chaos and their father is not seeing them. Personally, I would have no respect for any man that let a woman come between him and his children. Sorry, but that's the way I see it. You need to get counseling about your jealousy before you get involved in any more relationships. Please don't ruin these children's lives. Put someone else first instead of yourself. You'll feel much better for it.

EVERYONE....Thank you for your opinions....I really do appriciate them. It means a lot more comming from complete strangers than say my mother...HOWEVER..I did not reveal the WHOLE story. So I will try to explain w/ out writing a whole book...
My BF CHOOSES to be in IN where I have lived my whole life. He was in rehab in Germany for his drinking problems that arrose AFTER his wife was caught cheating and his mother passing away w/ in the same week. I told him before that if he wanted to be w/ me than he would have to come and live w/ me b'cause I would not put my trust into an alcoholic and move many many miles away from home. So the plan was for both of us to go to school in IN then move to TX were he is from. Every time I said we should move to WA, he said he didn't like it there b'cause it rained too much (he was stationed there for 5 years) We were supposed to get his kids every other holiday and every summer. I have tried and tried to be nice to his EX-Believe me!!! She lies and lies. She has written letters to his Army command saying that he beat her and that he would not pay her $ for support so then he had to go through all the trouble of obtaining the canceled checks and explaining to his command that what she said was not true. She even called and said their kids had no food or clothes to try and get him introuble w/ the Army when he at the time was giving her $1000.00 ea/ mo. Mind you, I have never once told my BF NOT to buy them anything. The whole X-mas thing was b'cause we bought them( all 3) plane tickets totalling over $2000.00 to fly here on X-mas. She said ok-then changed her mind b'cause she wanted him to fly over there so he could stay in her house again and try to bambusal him back into her bed. Well now we are out 2 grand which may not seem like that much..but my BF IS UNEMPLOYED. She lives w/ her VERY wealthy mother who babysits for free and feeds, clothes, and gets up w/ them and puts them to bed. The EX does nothing. Last X-mas when my BF did fly over there, he had a hotel. She would drive over there every day and try to get him to sleep w/ her. Then after he couldn't get a flight back, he stayed at her mothers and I found a picture of him in her bed. He even called me from her house and said they weren't getting a divorce b'cause of the step son- who wouldn't have insurance after they divorced-he said it wasn't for her but for the kids. I didn't understand and I still don't. I know he loved her very much and she hurt him dearly. She tells her kids I do drugs and this and that. I want my bf to be with his kids and me more than anything. I just want to get over my jealousy of her...and to be honest..thanks to people like you and other people and websites I am starting to REALLY understand that if he wanted to be w/ her, he would. It would be a lot easier for him to be there than here. I wish I could explain better how she really is. When my BF is on the phone with her, she yells and screams bad words to them. Even when I was her friend back in the day, she yelled bad words to her boys. She let a 19 yr old (convicted child molester) babysit them while she partied w/ his mother and then a situation arrised where the oldest had expressed A LOT of signs that something had happend and she would not let an investigator talk to her oldest son. There wasnt'anything my BF could do b'cause he isn't his bio father. The grandmother of these kids calls and tells us these things. On the 5 yr olds b-day- my bf was really pissed b'cause he was outa $ from the plane tickts. I didn't tell him NOT TO BUY him anything. Although I was glad b'cause I knew it would make her mad. She is all about $$$$$$. She gets 300 from her 1st kids father and almost 800 from my bf. Plus $ from the government to pay for a babysitter, which she keeps that 900 b'cause her mother watches them for free PLUS goes to school for free PLUS gets food stamps. She is a very bad person. She called lastnight and said her mother was driving them here on the 6th----we'll see. Just like she said they could fly here last month. Sorry, I just had to explain a bit better. I am jealous and I am not proud that I feel grandios when he doesn't buy his kids something. Not b'casue of the kids but to make her her feel hurt..that's what I like..I do need to grow up. I will. But thanks to all who give me a swift kick in the butt :)Believe me..the kids have everything and more, except for a mother who loves them and a father who is there geographically. After the spring semester I have agreed to move there(WA). I think we will be happier because he will feel complete inside. I am looking forward to them being here in a few days. I will be new at taking care of a 5 yr and 3 yr old, so look for me to be writing again for some truthfull advice...Thank you all very much..

You are no one to call this mother a bad person. You are the one who is keeping this man from his kids. You are blindly believing everythign he tells you and then you make these accusations about people you say you know. You said you were friends with her before the divorce and all of a sudden they divorce and she becomes a witch. I really doubt that. You are immateure and are creating problems. You BF seems to be immature and wanting his cake and eating it too. It is good that you feel bad about feeling good about him not buying his kids anything, but that still doesnt mean you need to be in this relationship. You don't. You need a guy who has not been married and has no kids otherwise you are going to end up ruining a lot of lives.

I can not even begin to get into how angry I am. I havent spoken to my father in over a year because of a woman just like you. My sister and I used to plead with our mother to not make us go see my dad because we didnt want to put up with her. Everything you have said is exactly like her. I honestly don't think you need to be alone around these kids because of your insecurities.

again...dont waste your time with this baggage..You are young find a man that can be what you want because this one cannot

You need to swiftly back away from this whole situation. You are toxic to those children---who absolutely SHOULD come first in all parents' lives (within reason). You are toxic to your bf, and you will even become toxic to yourself. I doubt this is the kind of person you want to be.

You obviously do not have the maturity to deal with stepchildren, ex wives, or any man with any baggage whatsoever. Get out. In future, date only men who have no former relationships, especially wives/children.
j

Get out of the situation before it is too late. Why would you want to be in a relationship with a man who doesn't care about living close to his children? The whole story is a tragedy. I feel sorry for the children. I don't believe you have anything positive to add to their lives.
You are only adding to you BF's dysfunctional lifestyle.

You are getting beatup here pretty badly. You are not bad, but your behavior is. You are young, and can't handle this situation. So end it now, and let him have a chance at happiness, and you too. Yes, most of the men you will meet will have baggage. But, that baggage doesn't have to involve an ex and children. Do you really see an end to the unhappiness you have and you are causing? Life is full of hard leasons, but hopefully you learn from them. One of the hardest is if you REALLY love someone you want them to be happy. You are not making him happy at this point. Walk away, but take this lesson. You can find someone else, and you can love again.

I think it has nothing to do with age. My step mother was like this right up to her death at the age of 72. I think this woman needs counseling. Just seeing and knowing that you are wrong is often not enough to change the source of the feelings of inadequacies. I am very concerned about the planned visit for the children. You have no idea how trying 2 children in that age bracket can be when they are not your own. From not eating what you have in the house, to crying at night from homesickness,whining, to messing your house, fighting, being with you 24/7, etc etc. Hope you are not anticipating this visit with rosecolored glasses. It may blow up in your face.

Mikella -
The only person you can change is yourself, and I doubt you can change radically enough that you can handle this situation with poise and grace. Like it or not, that woman is a PERMANENT part of the BF's life because they have children together. Stay or walk, it's up to you, but it sounds like BF and EX are unlikely to change, and very likely to keep up the soap opera lifestyle.

Your continued posting about the problems indicates that you find the situation (regardless of the reasons for it) to be less than pleasant. And if it's hard to deal with now, how about later , when you feel you have even more "invested" in it.

You may feel that he's the only person you will ever love, but realistically, decent men (without long-standing drinking problems and ex-wives and all that baggage) are out there.

I've been in a situation where leaving, despite the short term pain, was the grownup thing to do and the best thing for the man I truly loved. Nobody ever said it would be easy, and getting the man you want can end up hurting him.

He needs time to get his relationship with the ex and his children squared away without the extra burden of a pathologically jealous and immature GF (you). And your kids need to have some peace, without a manipulative spoiled stepsister yanking all the chains.

Forget him and his kids - what's best for your kids?

she doesnt have kids.....its only her..(so I thought)

Honestly, it's not just her age. I'm 22 and I would be more understanding about the situation if I was in it. Of course maybe that's because I come from a divorced family and remember being pushed aside for someone else's children (my father spent years taking care and raising his gf's 3 boys while she treated him badly and kicked him to the curb when the kids got older).

I would honestly wonder why my boyfriend wouldn't stand up for himself and be a better father no matter what the ex is doing to him. He's still got a responsiblility to those kids no matter how much child support he pays (which, I ask...how is he paying that if he's not working? Even on unemployment people don't make as much as regular income so paying that much child support plus other living expenses wouldn't work). You know kids don't care about money or how much child support was paid or if it was there on time. They care about the letters, phone calls, gifts and presents they recieve. It's part of life that parents are supposed to care for and make sure children have everything they need...kids don't care who paid more or what as long as they were cared for and loved.

Oh, and it sounds like the ex is sorry for what she did in her past. She must have thought the grass was greener elsewhere and got a wake-up call. She wants him back and has to deal with the fact that it may be too late. Sounds normal in a lot of situations really. And another thing, I remember my mother trying to go after my father for not getting child support. It was taken out of his pay check before he got it, it was just that his employer held it and then Domestic Relations held it again before sending it out. Some months nothing came and others, 2 checks. It wasn't my father's fault at all but the others involved. Maybe that's why she's been after him for not paying up at times.

~Leslie~

Leslie,
I thought I would have been more understanding when I decided to sign myself up for that crap at 22 also. But, the fact you do not know what kind of crap these kids and the other parent pull until you are part of their circus...I look back now and I KNOW it was because of my age and being imature. I was also from a divorced family that my dad found a new one right after. Thats a different story..lol....I am now 35 and when I look back and daughter and her mom I just laugh. They got to me all the time. If I was in the same sitution now (I thank god I am not) most of the stuff would just be brushed off. It was because I wanted everything to revolve around number 1 that WAS GOING TO BE ME!!! Guess what? it never was..lol...Matter of fact you are never REALLY number one are we?

Teeweeone .... you are absolutely right. I am the mother of two .. wife of the same man for 29 years and I still am not number one. I don't want to be. I want our kids to have the best our efforts can offer (combined with mucho discipline). Being number one is greatly over-rated once we become mature enough to know what life is all about. Its not about us. The more love you give ... the more you get back. It may take 20 years to see it, but it does happen. I look at my Mom (mother of 6) and think of all that she went through and all the sacrificing she did for us and all the hell we put her through as teens and then I see her here at Christmas and there are 6 adults frantically running around fixing her plate, getting her a place of honor at the table etc and I see that somehow - by putting everyone else before her - she has become numero uno!!!

Rosie.....I have often told my friend that has teenagers who will say when will they appreciate and listen to me? I tell her not until they are at least in their 30's!! LOL....When I was growing up I never thought she knew anything...but, now I tend to listen because she does...cute story about your mom.. By the way original poster..when I was in that sitution my mom and everyone else told me to move on it will never work..I was too young, he had to much baggage ect ect ect...Never listened and wasted alot of time. Mom was right along with everyone else...The best thing that happened when I got out of that was losing all the jelousy and hate I had. It takes alot out of you being in a bad relationship (been there are few times) you do not realize until you are out of it. Keep us posted...