Mom237,

I dont think the consensus was you were at fault -- many said your SD was. I think you are not always congizant of what is going on around you. If you want to move forward --

1. Ask -- was I invited to ceremony just to accomadate DH?

2. Was I overbearing? Is this a tendency?

Sometimes men dont focus on relationships as much. The other daughters -- are they his, yours, or both? What ages?

I dont think it's your fault.I think girls that age can be...self involved at times.

I went to my cousin's wedding (who was about 22 then) and my grand father accidently stepped her train on her dress and she FLIPPED OUT.Obviously my grand father didnt do it on purpose and felt bad about it.It got to the point where her new husband had to take her in the hall and tell her to chill out.It's that whole "It's MY ceremony" frame of mind some people get.

So maybe it's not a step related issue,but a diva issue.Who can really tell just by what someone types what the whole issue is about.
By the way,what does your husband think of her behavior? I know mine wouldnt stand for his daughter treating ME like that.

Even if there were consensus, there is a really really big jump from "my actions are at fault" (ie you interrupted a conversation and perhaps offered a backhanded apology vs a sincere one) to "my adult stepdaughter correctly perceives me as butting in to her life, interfering with her relationship with her dad and resents my being around."

Maybe you and SD are both overreacting?

Is it possible that when she talked to her dad and told him she was upset about the interruption, she thought that qualified as letting you know what you did wrong (knowing that he'd tell you), and is now waiting for a sincere apology, and is right now just as upset with you for "shunning" her as you are with her for "shunning" you?

Have you actually tried talking to her? (not email, not w/ hubby or other daughters as go-betweens, you picking up a phone and speaking directly to her?)

A 21 year old sending an email list of Christmas wishes?

Please tell me he asked her to send him a list...

What I mean by interrupting something private is something that would warrant getting upset at someone "barging" in on the conversation.

The SD's reaction was over the top. Regardless of what she and her father were talking about. It was a public function. She should have been more gracious.

I can understand getting fed up with someone and blowing my stack.

SS,

We werent there. My guess is OP could have been more gracious.

I loveexersie --

AS to who the Diva was, we dont know. I honestly beleve your GF accidentally stepped on dress. I have questions whether SM "accidentally" interrupted dad/SD conversation. And it didnt have to be private to upset someone. If SM was at ceremony as accomadatin, and Dad was congraduatlating SD, and SM comes over and makes it about me me me, I can see this upsetting. And who the Diva was.

"1. Ask -- was I invited to ceremony just to accomadate DH?"

I still don't see what this has to do with interrupting and over reacting? It's a given she would be there invited or not and that wouldn't be a good enough excuse to act like a turd towards her.

I still think the issues run deeper than being invited (or not....whatever) and being interrupted. I think the two afore mentioned topics are irrelevant to the real issue so theres no point in going round and round about it.

What would you expect the OP to do if she had not been invited or had only been invited to "accomadate DH". Kiss SD's shoes and bow like some sick modern day Geisha only when spoken too as to acknowledge her place on the perverbial social ladder because SD was gracious enough to "allow" her to attend a public event!?

Are you saying the OP was supposed to just "be there" physically and shouldn't have tried to interact or seem as if she was having a good time at all if the SD didn't really want her there? Is this America or some kindof sick Dictatorship where Step kids rule every single situation? Is there any point in your eyes where a step parent is finally let of the ass licking hook with the step kids and the ex wife?

I'm not saying the OP and SD probably didn't have issues before this but your holding on to this entire invited or not invited issue gets me. In the real world you don't always get your way and there are times you may have to be around people you don't like....family and non family alike. It wouldn't give anyone the right to act foolish regardless of the situation.

When my husband and I are married for 17 years I would expect that an invitation to an event for one of his children would include the both of us.

People interrupt people, sometimes it is a habit, sometimes it is an innocent mistake. Get over it 21 year old person and stop acting like a spoiled brat. It takes a lot of guts to dis the wife of your father after they have been married for 17 years and are paying or helping to pay for college and then send dear Daddy a wish list for Christmas. Give me a break.

If a private conversation with Daddy needs to take place for what health reasons, you're pregnant, your mom is ill, something earth shattering, then do it in a private place where the isn't a chance of anyone to interrupt. Didn't husband ever say what the conversation was......are they spies?????

For a while I thought that things were getting so much better on this forum but this postings seems to have people jumping to conclusions and raking the OP over the coals for no reason. Here we are again, assuming that the OP is butting in all of the time throughout the poor SD's life. Since she was 3 when dad married the rudest woman in the world then he has been married to "buttinski" long enough for the daughter to either like her or not and cut her some slack for goodness sake. The Christmas list may shine a little light onto an issue???? Do ya think? After 17 years with relatively no problems with SM this seems silly. More the actions of a young woman who in her mind is on a little pedestal that perhaps she is ticked that other people don't actknowledge.

As long as she was going to college on my dime and if I had been married to her dad for 17 years I would consider it my dime as well as his then yes, I would think it could be used as leverage. Why the heck not? If I were DH and Dad I'd request DD to take her head out of clouds for a moment and touch base with the real folks here down on earth. Grow up and now, since it has gone this far, she should apologize to SM.

No, doodle, I would expect her to let SD shine in her accomplishment. Apparently SM wasnt willing to. There is a long distance between allowing the honoree to shine and being a geisha.

There are red flags here. OP thinks she had a good relationship. It seems pretty clear she didnt. Op says she was there to be "supportive" of SD. People being honored dont need support. OP says she was the "proud" SM. I would wonder if SD thinks that OP has any basis to feel "proud".

I would like more background. Did SD live with her dad? What are family dynmaics.

Believer, we need to know more.

I suspect there have been problems, but SD has basically been told take it or leave. And now as she is older, her choice may not be what Dad wants. OP seems oblvious to others concerns.

As to whether it is on OPs dime, that is between OP and her DH. I know my Xs SO contributes nada, nil, zilch to household expenses. She hasnt worked since she moved in with him.

I too would like to know more, as in family dynamics. And I see most everyone raking SD over coals, not OP as you say.

I would have to agree that there is a lot more to this than the story posted. Rational, sane people, who supposedly had a good relationship for 17 years, do not suddenly cut someone out of their lives for a single incident of a perceived breach in boundaries.

Either we are getting a partial story, or the OP is oblivious to the undercurrents that have been present for a long time.

Silversword, I agree that the SD's reaction was over the top. But honestly, it was rude, LOL. I don't see any justification for it and if it IS a pattern, then many people do get fed up.

I've seen a lot of postings here from SM's who are upset about much less, children not saying hi when they walk into the room etc etc. A stepparent shouldn't be allowed to get away with bad behavior and it shouldn't always be on the stepchild to just get over it.

The rules do change once a stepchild becomes an adult and then no longer have to just "get over" bad behavior from a stepparent. It really does remind me of some stepparent complaints about stepkids that they are not able to overlook since they are more objective than bio parents. Stepchildren have a hard time over looking the stepparents mistakes too because they are more objective towards them than their bio parents. It goes both ways.

And I agree with Kathline and KKNY, there is either more to the story or more of a background that is not given.

Perhaps there's more to this story and perhaps not. It was very ironic to see this yesterday after having had to talk to my SD (24) for the way she treats me. Here's the absolute FULL background:

DH, at that time BF, wanted me to move in with them. I said "no", you guys are too messy and I wouldn't be able to live like that. He started cleaning up his act and a couple of years later asked me to move in again. He assured me that I would not be the maid. I moved in. My furniture was w/in one year old and came w/me.

I got along well w/both of his DD's for the previous 8 years - @ this time they were 16 & 20. When the SD (24) had her 18th bday party she told my MIL that she wanted me there because I was her friend. We really had a good relationship, even SD's own words.

I moved in and everything started on its trip down the toilet that first weekend. SD just finished washing her bright pink hair and was about to sit on my leather sofa. I asked nicely to please not let her wet hair on the the leather. Her wet hair already dyed and ruined her dad's furniture. She was ticked, stormed off into the kitchen, grabbed a kitchen chair and sulked in the doorway between the kitchen and the living room -I guess trying to get all of us to feel sorry for her. Every evening she continued to sit in the doorway and not join the rest of us (for approximately six weeks). This was her self-imposed exile, which she felt I drove her to. Her dad finally told her to act her age, knock it off and join the rest of us. After that she took to calling the furniture evil. A couple of weeks later she borrowed my snow boarding gear and promised to get it back to me by the end of the week. It was like Catlettuce's skillet. I kept asking and asking her for it. It was finally returned after several weeks and it was far from the good condition it was when she borrowed it. She was insulted and put out that I asked her to keep her word.

When she's angry, she gives the cold tongue and fish eye. She's borrowed things, often times w/out asking. Things are never ever returned timely or in the same condition. If I made a comment about it, she put a hash mark on her invisible tally sheet of "Geri's infractions". I will admit I am very particular about the way I treat my possessions and I stopped willingly loaning her anything awhile ago.

I went thru three yrs of her walking out of the room when I walked in and her never saying hello - to this I can relate to Thurman. It was great when she moved out, but then she came back home 8 mos ago and it started up again. I mentioned something to DH about it two mos ago. He, like Thurman's DW, said I was looking for things. A couple of weeks later his younger DD confided to a family friend that she feels she needs to be rude to me and ignore me TOO when her sister is around because otherwise her sister will be mad at her too. This got back to DH and me. He was very disappointed and upset. I asked him not to say anything because it was between SD and me.

We're supposed to do a family dinner this weekend. My MIL said she doesn't feel comfortable going because of what her GD is doing. That's why I spoke to SD. I told her what her GM said, that I know she leaves when I enter the room, refuses to acknowledge me and it needs to stop. If she felt that she was hurting me, she wasn't, but that she was hurting her other family members instead. I told her I took her to school when she was younger, cooked and cleaned, helped her w/homework, was very generous to her and that I didn't deserve to be treated like dirt. I said that I have tried to put myself in her shoes and I understand that it must have been difficult having another woman in the house...I also mentioned a time that her dad yelled at me in front of her and called me a "nag" - I told her it was wrong of him to do that and maybe since she saw him being disrespectful to me, that she felt it was ok for her to do the same. I said it was not ok and I don't like it. I told her that she could continue her behavior or not, but she needed to think about how it impacts the rest of her family. I also said it doesn't portray her in the best light and wasn't very mature (this was the worst I said). I ended it by telling her that I still cared for her, liked her and that I knew she was a good person, but I also told her that it would be a long, long time for this relationship to heal.

I asked her if she had anything to say and she said no. OH, I GUESS I WAS PROBABLY INSULTING BECAUSE I ALSO APOLOGIZED TO HER FOR ANYTHING THAT I MAY HAVE DONE TO UPSET OR HURT HER IN THE PAST. If she hadn't been reticent, maybe my apology wouldn't have been so general and insincere according to KK and others.

I am sorry this was so long, but my point is that maybe OP really didn't do too much wrong. Her SD is an adult and needs to act accordingly - stomping off in a huff is very childish. I think DH should ask his DD what her real issue is and if it is more than what we hear here, he should let his wife know how she hurt SD.

Gerina,

Your story is sad, but not OPs. Note that OP thought she had a good relationship. You live in reality world. Its not the same.

"And I agree with Kathline and KKNY, there is either more to the story or more of a background that is not given."

I agree with this also and have said so I know at least three times. My main thing is whether or not the OP was invited is beside the point. There is much more to it than the interrupting (give me a break) and the being invited vs. not being invited (again, give me a break).

Nivea, I'm a long-term S-kid and I have the proverbial wicked stepmother (although our relationship has gotten a lot better over the years). She has taken over every function, made everything about her, interrupted countless conversations and re-directed them to her liking, expected to be waited on hand and foot, whined and complained if I got even the slightest bit of attention more than she did from my dad... I could go on and on and on. But I have never, even as a teenager, caused a ruckus in public over her actions. That's my point. I totally agree with you that it could have been rude. But that all depends on how often it has happened and the context of the day. She literally could have walked up and said "hi" while they were talking. If so, is that interrupting and rude? I'm just taking the OP on face value.

I'm on the side of the S-kids usually because I think SM/SD are adults and should have more skills for handling situations that are awkward with grace. But with the information we were given I'm inclined to go with the Smom in this case.

As for the "support and honor" issue, KKNY, I think your statement is a little over the top.

"People being honored dont need support. OP says she was the "proud" SM. I would wonder if SD thinks that OP has any basis to feel "proud"."

I totally disagree. People being honored SHOULD be supported by anyone who loves them for their accomplishments. They don't have to love the person back. And a person can be proud of someone without taking credit for their accomplishments. I'm proud of my friend for getting her master's degree. Did I pay for it, help her study or do anything for her? Nope. But I'm proud, and I went to her graduation to support her and show that pride and support. Someone who accomplishes something should take the praise and acknowledgment, even from strangers or acquaintances gracefully.

And, no matter who works outside the house a married couple is a team (or should be, in my opinion). If wife didn't stay home, husband would have to do many other things. Someone doesn't have to contribute money to be a contributing, equal part of the household.

It sounds to me like you're allowing your personal life to color your opinion on this matter.

Doodle, I agree. I don't think it has anything to do with being invited or not, I'm sure there is much more undercurrents to this but not sure if the OP is going to explain? Instead of giving more information, her last post seemed to be the pitying type and if that is how she handles it in real life than I can imagine why this situation is getting out of control.

Silversword, I hear ya sister! But like I just said above, it takes two to tango. And I do stand by that stepchildren once they become adults do have the power to disengage just like stepparents do when the steps are kids. Some people are just toxic. And we don't know the back story, so I can't say if the SD overreacted long term or not.

"Instead of giving more information, her last post seemed to be the pitying type and if that is how she handles it in real life than I can imagine why this situation is getting out of control."

Agreed. Not taking responsibility or entertaining the possibility that she may have some part in this. Very willing to put on a pity party for herself.

Doodle, the reason I brought the invitation question, in this situation, is that OP thought she had a good relationship, when to virtually everyone here there was a strong possiblity that wasnt the case. Like I said, I think OP should go back and think about whether she really had a good relationship, and start from there.

Your SD is at a difficult age. If she's never really given you trouble before, she might be a late bloomer in terms of rebellion. I was a straight A student, honor's all the way through college, never missed a curfew...then, I turned into a big jerk during my last year of college. I was an even bigger jerk to my parents for the next 2 to 3 years as I was just beginning my career. I was horrible to my own parents. If it was me, my dad, and SM, I would have unloaded it all on the SM. Divide and conquer.

"For a while I thought that things were getting so much better on this forum but this postings seems to have people jumping to conclusions and raking the OP over the coals for no reason"

I agree with you.And I'am NOT a new poster here.I was here before a longtime ago and I can see things havent changed!
It was one of the reasons I left to begin with.

Seems like many posters are run off by the comments of some people.Shame when they are asking for help,not to be judged.

My guess: it's not about "interrupting" (at least not in & of itself) at all. If it's about interrupting in any way, it may be that SD perceived that the MOMENT of this particular interruption was an especially inopportune one. (Maybe it was right in the middle of her receiving some great compliment or trying to share some very important sentiment.) But I agree with the general consensus on here (as well as OP's own observation) that it likely is a symbolic, tip-of-the-iceberg sort of thing. Not that this has to mean that OP did anything "wrong" OR that SD is "too sensitive". Likely just two different personalities that sometimes rub each other the wrong way. Perhaps SD perceives OP as being an attention hog ---whether she is or isn't can't really be known or proven--- which is a common enough feeling on the part of SK's. Silversword and I, for example, have that in common in terms of how we perceive our SM's. And, interestingly enough, those very same SM's might perceive US to be the attention hogs. OP, it's very possible that SD doesn't feel comfortable admitting (or even is self-aware enough to know she feels it) that she feels like you hog too much attention. That is a sentiment that can so easily be turned around on her and reframed to make her seem like the petulant little jealous brat, that she is probably not going to ever admit it. Suffice it to say that if "interrupting" was really the main complaint, that this is probably the source of it. And again, it doesn't mean you are "wrong" to have the personality you have, and it also doesn't mean SD is a jealous brat. The main issue I perceive in blended families (especially between SM's & SD's) is that of feeling important and validated, and that goes right in hand with how much "attention" is being paid. Therefore attention is a big issue, and everyone tends to feel to some extent that they're not getting enough of it.

The other possibility is that it *isn't* primarily about attention. In fact, my first hunch in reading OP's post was that there was some other issue involved altogether. I wondered if something had recently been said or if SD had recently been made aware of something involving OP that upset her. The fact that she is 21 is what rang a bell, because that is one of those "pivotal" ages, specifically as regards expectations concerning "adulthood". Frequently what happens around these ages is that the SP's start asking/hinting about what exactly are the continuing financial and emotional support and visitation obligations and expectations going to be. In SP's minds, there is often an expected "cut-off date" which tends to be a much firmer line in the sand than bio-parents tend to take with their own children. The inherent conflict, then, tends to begin to center on that. For example (and I'm only guessing here), you may have recently had such a conversation with SD's dad, which SD may or may not have been present for, but nonetheless she might now be aware that there is some sort of significant change expected at your request. Think about if there have been any such discussions within the last year. If so, this may be where her attitude is really coming from. And even if her Dad is in full 100% agreement with your wishes/expectations (which incidentally usually isn't the case), it is admitedly easier for her to project her blame & upset onto you than it is for her to project it onto her Dad.

"Perhaps SD perceives OP as being an attention hog ---whether she is or isn't can't really be known or proven--- which is a common enough feeling on the part of SK's. Silversword and I, for example, have that in common in terms of how we perceive our SM's. And, interestingly enough, those very same SM's might perceive US to be the attention hogs."

Serenity, are you saying it's just a perception that our SM's are attention vampires??!! Because it is absolute truth! (wink)

You're absolutely right. She sees me as taking all the "daddy time" and I see her as incapable of letting us have a relationship of our own. Part of the issue is we had a relationship way before they did. So we have inside jokes, etc. and she must feel like an outsider (esp. when I was younger and really played that up to the max. because I hated her).

But my goodness. Here I go again. It's all about MEEEEE!!!

"...it is admitedly easier for her to project her blame & upset onto you than it is for her to project it onto her Dad."

Yup. I admit it. I've done that time and again. And it's easier for dad to let SM take the brunt of it than get in the way of DD's anger. SM's lose all around. Dad is defensive of DD, DD is snotty to SM, DD looks like a spoiled brat to SM and like a misunderstood kid to Dad and SM looks like a loser/whiner no matter what. Not that my SM isn't culpable. Because she is. But that is the dynamic.

First of all a 20yr old is not an adult. The brain continues to form until around the age of 24 and then there is a period of learning adult behaviour. Some never reach an emotionally mature state.

Shunning is a extreem form of emotional abuse and should not be tolerated. this is the ultimate control. Your sd has taken herself out of it and is keeping all of the balls and going home. Your husband needs to step in imediatly and tell her this behaviour will not be tolerated. Hopefully she will re think her position when she realizes that she is in danger of alienating her support.

This may sound extreem but I can promise you that if this behaviour is codeled or tolerated in any way there will be more of the same comming and you will not be doing your duty as parents.

You apologised. All this talk about not good enough is nonsense.

It is very important that your husband back you up now. Certainly her Christmass list will need to be shortened and there needs to be some acknowledgement of what she should be gratefull for before she is handed a reward.

OP didnt apologize -- she said "I'm sorry for whatever I may have done" -- admitting nothing, putdown of SD, saying you SD are over sensitive.

mom237, I agree with everyone else who said the interuption was probably some kind of last straw for your SD21. Maybe you have had a good relationship with her for 17 years and for reasons that have nothing to do with you, her feelings have changed. She's only 21. Officially an adult but has only been one for a short time.

It sounds to me like something else is going on in the background, some other resentment, maybe issues going on with her having little or nothing to do with you personally. For what it's worth, the same thing might have happened to you even if you were her BM versus SM.

Let it blow over. Maybe she felt you were stealing her moment and maybe you were even if it was not on purpose. If you think you have had a good relationship for 17 years you probably have, I think it's hard to fake good feelings for 17 years.

I agree with lamom and sweeby on this one. It sounds to me like Sd has built up issues over the years and just blew. But also she is 21 years old. Not a baby and she should act as an adult and stop this childish behaviour.
Her father should step in and call a family meeting and put an end to this before it drags on. She should apologize to you for her conduct and explain herself.
Andyes, you are a package deal. She should not be sending a list at 21 years of age for christmas and it should not be only adressed to dad.
And if dad's paying school she's got alot of explaining to do.

My guess is SD is graduating soon -- if she feels she has to put a lot with SM, Dad may be afraid of result. Sounds to me like lamom said, SM was stealing her moment and doesnt even care.

shunning is emotional abuse and should not be tolerated. This girl is obviously trying to position herself in the drivers seat and shoving SM to the back of the bus. Intrupting her in a conversation is no excuse for this type of dangerous behaviour. The Dad needs to put an end to it now and suport his wife. If the child is allowed to come between the couple the marriage will be damaged. In these situations the couple comes first and the child needs to show respect.

If SM did not know what she did and apologised anyway... took the higher ground here then she should be comended. Unfortunatly, the child has taken this as a sign of weakness and is digging into her position. Resnetment of daddy's love is very common....that dosn't make acting out like this OK.

I dont see a real apology. I dont see SM taking the higher ground. And I guarantee, if a SD had put herself at the center of ceremony for a SM, the entire SM brigade would have been saying what a rotten kid. The fact is coastal, neither you nor I know the dynamics. This could be a self-centered egotistical person who happens to be a SM. My guess -- dad has seen this coming.

kkny,

Errr, I did not say that the SM was stealing SD's moment and didn't care. I said that she may have stolen her moment unintentionally. I also said that SD's reaction may not have much to do with SM at all even though the shunning is directed at her. Seems to me that other issues are at the bottom of most of these skids/smom problems.

I don't see that SM put herself at the center of anything. What I read was that SD and dad were having a conversation and SM joined in... or intrupted. So what? Isn't she part of the family too? She is a person with a right to speak. This is no excuse for shunning, a punishment used to inflict emotional terorism. Shunning is a tool of extreem emotional control and should not be condoned or accepted in any way. This is an out of proportion retailation.

If the SD is unhappy with SM she can express it and have it out with her... that is acceptable and normal and healthy. Shunning is not, it is nothing short of a controlling power grab. Any T will tell you the same thing.

The couple comes first. The child needs to honor and respect both parents and their relationship. Respect is the minamal aceptable requirement of any relationship. To allow disrespect and continue to support this young lady is not in the best interest of any member of the family. They will not do her any favors by allowing it.

Look up relational aggresion. It is not OK

I think arguing about it is kinda pointless without more information.Anyone can leap to conclusions.OP has not written back to give more detail.

Mom237,are you stii here???

I am certain Mom 237 thinks she has never done a thing wrong.

Coastal -- this was supposed to be something honoring SD.

But go for it SMs, tell Mom 237 to step all over SD.

KKNY! No one is telling MOM237 to step all over her SD!
She has not even responded back here,so why do you continue to harp about it?
You know,it is REALLY REALLY hard to know all the information about ANYONE's situation by just a paragraph or so.I love how you've got it all mapped out here that this stepmom was purposely trying to ruin her Sd's special day.
Really,it speaks alot about what kind of person you are.

Really I love exer. -- I dont see you jumping on Coastal -- whom I responded to, who thinks SD is clearly in the wrong. But I guess that is OK with the SM brigade.

I didnt address coastalmom,because she did not address me by catagorizing me like you did,
"But go for it SMs, tell Mom 237 to step all over SD."

Why do you always have to make it about the Stepmoms? I'm a stepchild too,did you know that? If I treated my step parent like that,I doubt very much my other parent would let me because it IS abusive and very disrespectful.
MORE SO then just interrupting someone.
I mean,come on...It is Christmas and SD purposely left out SM on the card.That has gotta burn.
If I did something like that,and acted THAT childish,my whole family would have something to say to me about it.

Coastal is lecturing that respect is due. The facts tend to indicate that SM does not show respect for SD, yet Coastal says Dad needs to put an end to it.

lecturing? well maybe. kkny, shunning is abusive behaviour that is way over the top. In fact, I can think of no acceptable infraction that would warent shunning. Abusive, controlling behaviour needs to be addressed by the parent the child is still communicating with because to continue the communication is going along with the shunning of the other parent. This girl is using relational agression to ruin her family and the family needs to step in and shut down this dangerous path.

Abusive behaviour dosn't only harm the victim but also the abuser. When we hurt the ones we love, we harm ourselves. SD needs to learn this now. If she has used this tecnique in the past then it is a learned coping skill, a form of bullying. Bullies do not have happy lives. I am suggesting the parents need to step in, sit down and talk and let her know that abuse is not a way to handle her problems.

If this is retaliation, and you are saying that retaliation is acceptable then that is sad. You have not learned that retaliation may have an imediate sensation of power but can overcome your life and leave you with the powerless reality of beeing controlled by base emotions of fear and resentment.

It is very common for resentment in a youg adult SD toward SM. It is even common in bio mom and daughters. The young person begins feeling their oats and wants to be queen bee but mom is standing in the way. This girl has made her move and dad needs to make it clear who his mate is. If he fails to assert this he will send the message to daughter that she can succeed in replacing mom. The couple needs to reasert their commitmet to one another and make it clear that they are a united unit. This is a very common triagulation problem that needs to be delt with for the health of all.

Coastal,

You know nothing about the dynamics of this relationship, and yet you presume it is all SDs fault. SM thought she had a good relationship for years -- myself and others find that highly unlikely. A person who is unaware of relationship issues is likely self-centered.

When SMs want nothing to do with Stepchildren, it is called disengaging and acceptable. The reverse is to you abusive.

I find it a statistical anomoly that all SMs are perfect people. Sometimes people bring it on themselves when others don't want to be with them.

Well,Personally I dont see the facts indicating that Op was disrespectful to her SD,and I also dont see how it is All Sd's fault either.
I still think there is much more to the story.Either way,unless we hear from mom237 to help clarify,who knows???

ILoveexer

I agree situation is unclear, yet Coastal sees this as clear that SD wants to replace SM. I dont see it that clear. This is a child who is doing OK.

I don't think I said anything about fault. I am only addressing the facts. Shunning is abuse. SD is engaged in shunning = abusive. SD is responsible for using abusive behaviour to solve her problem. Not good. parents need to parent to help child out of bad situation.

If the situation were reversed and SM was shunning SD the responsibility would be reversed only it would be an adult engaging in emotional abusive and childish behaviour. But it is not.

kkny, what good can come out of this if it is left to continue? What do you see as the outcome of this situation other than the distruction of a family?

In the spirit of self disclosure. MY SD32 did this to our family 4 yrs ago. 6mo ago we she finaly agreed to go to family therapy. I finaly learned that what she held against me was... I said she was impulsive. She married a man who she did not feel she knew well enough to find out about his finances and stayed married for less then a year. This is only one example of her impulsivity. The year before she turned on me she bought tickets to a concert for us to attend together for my birthday. She rutinly asked for my advice, which I was reluctant to give. I probably did say that something she was planning on doing seemed impulsive to me. Was this justification for ruining our family? No. I wish her father would have steped in instead of going along with it and hoping she would come around. She actualy said he had to choose.

Before all of this happened I thought we did have a good relationship. She refered to me as Mom. She made a point of spending time with me.

The therapist refused to give us another appointment because she was still refusing to communicate so there was no point. The only thing he could do for us was to help us give up. He said that until she grows up emotionaly there is no hope.

What I want to say to this family is do not condone this behaviour in any way. Dad needs to step in and put a stop to it before it goes any further. If the situation had been reversed and it were my children doing this to my husband, I would have been all over it. They know I would not put up with the disrespect to a man that has cared for them and supported them... He should have done the same but he was afraid of losing her...but that is exactly what happened.

KKNY, I really take offense to this statement "But I guess that is OK with the SM brigade."

Please don't lump us all together. We are individuals with our own opinions. Many of us are SM's and Bio's, and many of us are also Skids. I don't always side with the SM's; usually I have a lot more empathy for skids because of my experiences. I base my reactions/opinions on individual circumstances, not across the board judgments that all skids are right or all sparents are right.

SS, I hear you. But I was the only one being critized for being onesided, not Coastal.

I don't see it as one sided to say that for the health of the family un unhealthy situation needs to be delt with. SD will only harm herself and her family if abuse is left to continue or condoned in any way. It is not healthy to shunn anyone. It is healthy to confront the situation in a safe environment where everyones need for respect is addressed. Shunning shuts down communication so a problem becomes larger and control is shifted to the shunner. Instead on win - win the SD has created a no win situation. Helping her end that is the sign of good parenting.

She is the child here, engaging in childish behaviour. It is not uncommon for parents to direct children to healthier choices. That is respecting the child. They would be respecting her capacity to choose a better path by requiring her to forgo a distructive disrespectful path whiel they are still in the position of providing for her.

It seems to me SD is leading a productive healthy life. Doing well enough in school to win awards. Coastal, you and I dont know enough about situation. SM could be the most egotistical person on the face of the earth (in addition to being out of touch re relationship), and SD has decided she has had it with her. Shunning is also a way to discourage behaivor. Maybe SM is way too intrustrive. YOU DONT KNOW. SD could be more responsible than SM for all you and I know. Oh but I forget, lets just start with assumption that SM is perfect. By focusing on the acts of one person (and IMHO blowing them up) you are one-sided. But not to worry, many SMs will support you.

I am only focusing on the retaliation shunniung intails. In this case it is the SD doing the shunning. I would not support shunning in any situation by any party. There is no excuse for it. It is abuse. Shunning is not a healthy way to discourage behaviour. It is abusive, childish and non productive. It is healthy to stay in it continue to work on it and be open about grevences. SM clearly stated that she did not know what she did wrong. You have taken that to mean something else and jumped on a bandwagon of painting her black and finding fault. There is no question that we are all human and make mistakes. The important thing to remember here is that we need to show compasion for one another and show respect by staying engaged and working on our problems as families if at all possible. When one party takes themselves out of it or there is an insistances on winning - all loose.

It is OK, we can have a difference of opinion without being personal. I am not my opinions, there is no need to attack. I am comfortable with my recomendations on this and encourage anyone who experiences shunning to stand up to it, especialy if you are the bystander or the third party.

Disrespect is disrespect no matter who does it. If SM is intrusive, it's disrespectful. But 2 wrongs don't make a right. SD has no right to be disrespectful back by leaving SM off the Christmas card and such. If SM didn't do anything wrong, SD still has no right to be disrespectful. Not speaking to someone is disrespectful.

Remember the Golden Rule: Do unto others as you would have them do unto you? That rule applies no matter what the other person has done to you.

Both of these women are adults, including SD. She needs to deal with the problem as an adult. Not speaking to someone and providing a lame excuse for being offended is childish no matter what the SM did/didn't do.

Someone HAS to be the bigger person and, from this story, SD has taken not decided to be that person.

I do agree that there must be more to the story. Problem is that we don't know what it is. So this isn't about SMs being right. It's about adults not acting in an adult manner.