Wow...I feel for you and your wife. I heard someone call into a radio psychologist about a very similar situation, the difference being that the ex-husband wanted the mom (his ex-wife) and their kids to move to the town where he lives. He made all of these elaborate promises, that if she did, he would buy her a really nice, big house for she and the kids. She had a small home and a decent job where she lived. He said that she had to move there, and then he would buy the big house for her. Like the ex you are talking about, she had serious doubts about whether he would actually do what he promised, of if it was all just big talk, because it did not appear that he had the means to do what he promised.

She was advised to not quit her job or sell her house, until the house was actually purchased, in her name.

***** I would have serious reservations about ever sending a kid to live with a parent who had so little stability, and without knowing a whole lot about who they are "today" - not 16 years ago. In an RV, they could be very difficult to locate should he choose to be difficult to locate. It sounds as though he is used to living his life without commitments, obligations, and responsibility. He also could be an awful influence because he will try and make up for lost time, by giving her whatever she wants and being the good guy (and making you the bad guy) and being the permissive parent.

On a wierder side, he had no contact with her from the time that she was a six month old baby, until 14. I do not imagine that he feels ANY MATERNAL feelings for her. I would fear that she instead would be vulnerable to intentions he may have that may not be so maternal. And I would be concerned about placing her in the hands of someone like him who has not plugged in and made a normal life for himself, complete with a career of some sort, friends, a wife or family, and responsibilities and obligations. But that is just me.

What a nightmare to have him reappear at this time in her life, when she is going through all of the normal teenage stuff.

He making big promises, and making you two look like the bad ones in your daughters eyes. If only she could see him through eyes that were not the eyes of a kid, wanting his love.

A very similar situation happened to my sister-in-law and her then-15 year old daughter. Her fly-by-night full-of-promises BioDad promised her the moon if she'd move in with him. (Same city, fortunately.) My SIL was, of course, not very thrilled with the prospect, but figured it wouldn't last for long, and after weeks of pressure, reluctantly agreed.

Less than a month later, DD was back with her head on straight and a more realistic attitude. And a much greater appreciation for the many sacrifices her mom made every day that BioDad wouldn't.

Since your SD's BioDad's home is actually PORTABLE, why not agree to let her move in with him provided he bring his home on up to where you all are? You could phrase it so it's "on a trial basis for a few months before making a permanent move." That might be enough for BioDad to abandon this inconvenient plan, or if not, for the damage to SD to be minimized.

At this point you need to speak with your wife. I would NOT allow my daughter to move. Her father has had very little contact with her and she doesn't know him as well as she believes she does. All teens think you know someone after a couple of phone calls... This WILL make your life difficult, she WILL be angry! But you are there to ensure she gets what's best for her. Not what she wants!! If the bio-dad wants a relationship with his daughter I would ask him to move closer to you... He is living in an RV, he wouldn't even have to pack... If you two decide to let her make this move and something happens to her, you will beat yourselves up for the rest of your lives... Best wishes to you

Ask her to write down all the things she KNOWS about her Bio-Dad:

1 - where does he work?
2 - what has he been doing for the past 16 years?
3 - how will he afford all these nice houses?

And what she KNOWS about the situation she will be moving into:
1 - Does she like the RV she'll be living in ... because that what IS for now
2 - what is the school district like where she is moving to?
3 - how will she feel leaving her HS friends and activities behind
4 - what will she be doing when he's working out of town? Who will be taking care of her?

Do not let her move. Just say NO. You are her parents, whether or not he is her BioDad, you are the ones who have raised her and gotten her this far, it would be a pity to let her move to FL, and then have bad things happen to her. Her BioDad does NOT sound like he has his act together at all! Of course he is promising to buy her a "dream house" once she comes to live with him, because I bet there is no way he can afford it, and the excuses will start the minute she arrives. Otherwise, he would already have bought it. Her moving there does nothing to change his finacial status does it?

Also, I agree with lazygardens, make her write the list. I also agree with bnicebkind, I'm not sure his intentions are exactly "maternal" either. I would be worried about her even visiting this man. Who knows, maybe he let her drink, smoke, run wild while she was down there, and now she thinks it will be one big party if she can just move in with him. Don't let it happen, you and your wife will regret it forever.

In some states, once a child reaches a certain age, he or she is generally allowed by the court to "choose" which parent they live with, so the "just say no" advice may not actually be enforceable. Not to mention the "you can't make me!" rebellion effect to consider...

Hamsteve - You need to know what the laws are in your state so you'll know if this is even an option.

Lazygardens' advice is very good -- I've used a similar approach with my kids in the past, usually when they're facing an important choice and don't seem to be considering all of the options. I ask them to list three good things about each option, and three bad things about each option, and let them know that if they can't think of three good things and three bad things, that they aren't thinking about the issue deeply enough or objectively enough to have their opinions given full weight.

Thank you all so much for your nice comments.
Please keep them coming!

An update.
Biofather is still emailing Realtor listings and "virtual home tour" links to our daughter showing the elaborate "Country Club" deluxe homes he will buy "IF" she agrees to move down with him in FL. He is also sending email links to the local High Schools. Biofather of course still lives in an RV and does not own any of these homes "yet?" When my wife explained to our daughter that Biofather most likely could not afford to actually purchase such fancy homes, and it is just talk/promises since he has not purchased a home ever in Florida, well then my wife receives an angry email from the ex with a copy of a "mortgage pre-approval notice for BIG$$" and a statement saying "now I have done my part, and you must now do your part and give me a statement in writing that daughter can move down with me." Based on a simple on-line mortgage pre-approval! Amazing to me!
Biofather is doing everything possible through emails and phone calls to convince our daughter that her life is miserable and boring living with us and attending her excellent High School here. He is still promising every toy and freedom to our daughter with "fun beach and country club" living if she would only wake up and move to Florida to live with him. It is very painful for me to see our daughter be so mislead and "derailed" emotionally by her father.

Question is; given that Biofather has had no real involvement in the daughter's life, except 1 week each summer and 1 week at Christmas in recent years, and he has never sent daughter; a Birthday card or Birthday gift, Valentines Day card, and he lives a loner's lifestyle, why does he all of a sudden want to have a 16 year old girl move in and live with him?? It just seems a little wierd when one thnks about it, given the almost zero relationship up to this point in daughter's life.
For now, my wife and I are not agreeing to anything, and we are are trying to point out realities to our daughter about the obvious (to an adult) no friends, no house yet, what school, time required to make a move, and daughter just continues to ignore me and fight with her mother for permission to go.

Why do you think Biofather is doing all of this????
We have never limited their communication or visits in the past.
How can I, as her Stepfather, get through this and still have the hope that our daughter will feel like we (especially me) were and are good, loving, and kind parents with a good home and all the love one could offer?

I sure hope we can navigate through this one!

"Why do you think Biofather is doing all of this????"

Guilt? Middle-aged crazies? Paternal love? Pure fantasy? Desire to prove to himself that he really isn't a worthless piece of garbage and that he really is a good dad? Probably all of the above...

Why is she falling for it? You know the old "grass is greener" philosophy... Nothing you could do for her where you are could compare with her fantasy of the perfect life on the beach with Daddy. And more importantly, please DON'T undo all of your good work, limits and balance by trying to make her current life "more competitive". That's a nasty and manipulative little road...

I would be tempted to hire an investigator in Florida to find out if BioDad is actually on the level. What exactly is his financial condition? What kind of country club house could he actually afford? And what type of stable home life could he offer? Does he have any vices you need to be concerned about? What about his friends?

Is there a realistic fear your daughter will run away?

This is very shakey ground you are walking on...under "normal" circumstances its difficult dealing with a 16 yo once they get an idea into their heads, the last thing they will agree to is you saying "no".

I would say to her "I love you, and it would be irresponsible of me to let you go into a situation that I consider dangerous, so how about we make a deal ?"

What could the deal be, I wonder, let her stay there for longer, in the school holidays. Has she spent extended time with him ? She has to feel that you are giving her something, make it seem that she makes the decision.

I know thats really hard.

Things that would concern me would be...just because he is her biodad, he hasnt spent much time with her, and gee, he really is like a stranger. She doesnt know him at all.

When she is a few years older she can do what she wants. How about you say..."how about you finish school, here, and then see what you want to do, you can go to college down with your biodad".

I am betting that he doesnt know what he is getting himself into. Lets face it from 16 onwards they move away from parents, they dont really want to spend time with us, they want to be out with their friends. Parents move to the background. She wont want to spend much time with him.

It will get better, I know things seem grim now, but dont forget, they grow up and it gets easier, believe me.

All the best to you, you seem like a caring person.

Popi

Anybody can print anything from realtor.com.
It doesn't mean you can buy it.

& an online "approval" letter is available to anyone who'll fill in whatever "information" is necessary to get approved for whatever amount the person desires.
I need an income of $300,000 a year to get aproval for a luxury townhouse?
Okey-dokey, that's what I'll put in the little box.
but the approval letter will always say "subject to verification of the information provided."

What makes me squirm, though, is the why of it.
Why show up & go through all this to get this girl?
& I can't think of a wholesome, fatherly reason.

She's 16, old enough to want to exercise her own power, make her own decisions, & make a break from her "child" identity.

Predators & abusers groom or court a potential victim by encouraging the girl's craving for independence & adulthood, isolating her from family & friends, & by painting a picture of a fantasy lifestyle:

big house, pool, tennis courts, new car, more money than her parents have, blah blah blah.

and they always encourage the idea that the parents/family/friends who object "are just jealous, because you'll have more than they do" or "they want to control you".
Once the idea is in the victim's head, the abuser doesn't have to try any more:
the victim isolates herself.

An old roommate married a guy who swept her off her feet.
told her he didn't want his wife working at some demeaning job, so she quit.
told her her Corolla was a poor person's car, so he traded it in on a Lincoln *which he put in his name, since, having no job, she couldn't get financing*.
bought a house before the wedding "as a surprise".
The car wasn't hers, the house wasn't hers, & she had no job.
When I begged her to slow down, she looked down her nose at me & said, "He told me you'd try to stop us because you're jealous."
Within 6 months, she was in a women's shelter.

And a woman named Julia once told her story at a seminar:

Her parents divorced when she was very small.
Her father disappeared from her life.
Her mother never spoke about him.
Never.

The mother re-married, & she & her new husband raised Julia.

When she was 15, Julia, rebelling against her mother, disappointed in her stepfather, etc etc etc, set out to find her "real" dad.

At their first meeting, he told Julia that her mother tossed him out, capriciously & unfairly, & he filled her in on his side of the family.

At their second meeting, he made a pass at her.

There was no third meeting.

I am sitting out here in cyber-land, never met any of you, maybe this guy is more of a lightweight, just wants to stir up trouble for the fun of it, but the steps by which abusers of all types take power are roughly the same, & this is the way it looks/sounds from here.

Thank you all again for your helpful comments and encouragement! We really appreciate it!

Well, here is the latest attempt from absentee BioDad (still no home, lives in an RV in FL) to convince our 16 year old daughter to move down and live with him. And believe me, I am not making this up! Here goes.

BioDad calls our daughter this weekend and explains to her that Washington, DC is under an immediate threat to have a nuclear explosion set off in the next few months from terrorists, and that all "muslims" have been told to leave the area. He tells our daughter that she will be dead in a few months if she does not get "out of the DC area." Daughter is now very upset and says that "she does not want to die" and must get out of the area. She did not get any school work or homework done in the last few days because she is so upset about the coming attack on our metro area. We have explained carefully and patiently to our daughter that no attack is coming, no news has been either on TV or in print warning about this supposed "attack" and we have watched the local news with her. We have reassured her that we see no people leaving the area and she is safe. Daughter argues with us and says that we cannot really know what is coming and that she loves her "Dad" and believes him. She has a "kid-buddy" style of conversation every time with BioDad on the phone and, except being put totally in a panic over this warning from him, daughter says she can "talk openly" to BioDad about anything. We, as her parents, are not given such open communication opportunities with her since we are actually her parents, after all. How in the world does one handle this crazy manipulation of our daughter from her BioFather? We feel that if we let daughter move down with BioDad she will be unsupervised and get into all kinds of trouble, and possibly abused, who knows? Daughter's attitude towards me as her stepfather is to simply ignore me, and she fights often with her mother who is being very patient and open with her concerning all of the real facts of a move, and how it makes no sense given all of the fantasy involved. It is so painful to watch my stepdaughter get this weird emotional manipulation from her BioFather, when we all know it is just a fantasy he is building within her about how "great" her life will be living with him providing all of the "toys" and country club home that he does not have.

I have never faced a situation like this. Telling BioDad to "stop it" or "back off" does not work, it simply fuels his anger and motivation to continue with whatever he is doing. I do not think our daughter will run away, however who knows? Daughter's academic performance is suffering due to her reactions to this move stuff, and she is just developing an increasing negative attitude in general in our home. We have offered counseling to her, and she says "no way!"

I would really appreciate some level headed opinions as to what we might do to get through this. All I want is our daughter to be happy, successful, and to feel that she is truly loved.

Thanks for your comments.