I really think why it worked for Dotz, above, is that her SS realized through his own divorce, how BM (his ex-) can so easily contaminate the well. It doesn't take much. Even a deep sigh from BM whenever dad's name or SM's name is mentioned, sends the signals to the kids that dad and SM make mom unhappy and threatened, so the kids feel threatened. Even as adults, very few SKs can remove the emotion from such and see it for what it is--mom being mom and her reaction is just that, her reaction and not necessarily the reality. But, when SS lost his own BM and the divorce shoe was now on his foot, it made it, I'd imagine, easier for things to click. I'm happy for Dotz. I've heard this from a few SMs, where after 20 or such years of being somewhat the family punching bag, something clicked, and next thing you know, BM was off somewhere with her new man and adult kids were all okie-dokie with dad AND SM. Some people have the ability to just let it all go and get back in love with whomever. I'm not sure I would. Actually, I'm pretty sure I wouldn't. It'd be very hard to let go of 20 years' memories of being the family scapegoat. And that is why I feel the real lesson here is for SKs or adult SKs. If it takes too long to put 2 and 2 together re: who on purpose, accidentally, or accidentally on purpose contaminated the well, it may be too late. Then, you lose one of your parents and/ or get divorced, and you have no one to reach out to. Given DNA, bio-dad may be forgiving, but SM may not, and she does not have the DNA connection that is usually required for that much forgiveness. Dotz' SS got really, really lucky. I hope he realizes that!

Wow, I feel as though I wrote part of that - right down to the ex cheating on our husbands, then somehow blaming us as the reason their families aren't in tact. Sheesh! I am similar in that any sign of approval by my skids was viewed, by their mother, as being disloyal to her. YEARS later, the X told the kids the truth - that she had had an affair that caused the marriage to end. But, my relationship w/ the kids got off on such a bad foot (what 12, 14, and 16 y.o. kids would dare to like a younger woman they were told wrecked their home?) I bent over backwards, at first. I still try to please them, but largely, I am resentful and angry under the surface. I think it's killing me. My body isn't handling the stress well and now that these kids are well into their twenties, I expected them to be self-sufficient. What a fantasy, I guess! The girls aren't that bad, but the history makes it hard for me - and they do continually do little things that disrespect me, my time, and one of them isn't all that kind to my oldest son (7 y.o.) while he adores her. Mum23, you said you failed in your blog. I don't think you did. No one here should ever judge another w/o first walking in her shoes. I've said that before and I'll say it again. We all do our best and hindsight is always 20/20. You had to get out of your prior situation or possibly be a statistic. He wasn't abusive to your son. Are you still in contact w/ your son? I hope he knows you left your X, not him. I'd hate to see the X poison him against you or anything - no one deserves that. Is your second marriage over? You referred to helping your DD have a good relationship w/ her dad - hiding from her if he was too busy to see her, etc. Was that all meant for what the X should have done, or are you finding yourself now being the X? Post again. I feel we are a lot alike - blindly thought love could get us over all obstacles. Dana

The girl is 8, and adjusting to a new home, new living situation, new rules, new school. Everything is different. I would be totally amazed and shocked if she werent acting out somewhat. I think she is probably conflicted. She likes the new home, new family, new school, etc, but she feels guilty about liking it because of the old. Its possible that she is acting out because she likes your boyfriend, and feels guilty because that feels disloyal to her father to you. It doesnt mean her father is badmouthing anyone, although he may be. THis is a normal 8 year old reaction to a new stepfamily situation. Part of this is testing you, to see if they can be bad enough that it will drive the new person away. They dont really want that to happen, but they are insecure about it, and so must test it. One of my kids, who was 8 when my husband and I married, went through something very similar. We had family counselling, with all the kids together. What the therapist, a licensed psychologist told us, was just about what I posted in the paragraph above. He suggested we not over react, we not punish for bad behaviour, but we should not react by insisting on talking about it or making a big deal out of the child when he was misbehaving either. Our family "shunned" the 8 year old by keeping interaction with him to a minimum when he was acting out, and then acted totally normal when he stopped the behaviour. It got worse for about a week, and then it started to get better. The child realized we loved him, we were a family now and that wasnt going to change, and that he had a treasured place in that family. It took three weeks to stop it after the first week, and then we had sporadic incidents for about two years, on a rare basis. I would say of all my kids, that 8 year old has turned out to be the best adjusted, most pleasant child of them all, and the easiest teen - go figure. Give it time. It takes about six months for most kids to settle into a new school, even in an intact family. She is under a lot of pressure right now. I would be very very careful not to punish her very much for this acting out. The last thing you want is her to think that this new living situation means she will be in trouble all the time. Talking to her about her feelings, in a conversational tone, rather than a confrontational one, at a time when she is not acting out, may help you understand what she is feeling better, and you can ask her what you can do to help her feel better. Dont critisize her or tell her that she is wrong for what she feels. And dont try to explain to her why what she feels is wrong. Communication is the best friend you have right now. If you can keep it open and honest, and allow her to feel the grief she is feeling, then this will resolve itself. If you insist she just get over it and stop it, you are in for a rougher road.

It sounds like you are in a terrible situation. If the 17 and 19 year olds are behaving so badly, is the 14 year old soon to follow? And does your husband really think he is helping his kids by letting them get away with bad behavior? It has been a foundational belief of mine that to have real love you have to have respect. Your husband's kids don't respect him if they treat both of you the way you describe. Kids like to push their parents buttons and see what happens. They are obviously very unhappy or else they wouldn't act the way they do. Encourage your husband to try and view his kids as an outsider would. Then ask him what he sees. Maybe by doing this he can see that he isn't helping them by the way he handles the situation. Even if the kids break off some contact with him, he would be showing them that he doesn't accept the bad behavior, and he needs to gain their respect to have any influence over them in the future. Ask him if he would respect someone who he could walk all over and get away with it. I sure wouldn't! It sounds like you have invested substantial time and emotion into your relationship, and if you can stand it for a few more years, it would be worth it to try. Your husband has probably already lost the two middle kids if he keeps letting them get away with bad behavior. I think it is worth the risk for him to tell his kids to act right or he's not going to be around them. I would guess that their mom wouldn't want them around her all the time with their attitudes either, and they might get the message. You might also remind your husband that he has a 14 year old who is watching how everyone is acting and reacting, and that he has a chance to save his youngest from going down the wrong path like the 17 and 19 year olds. Good luck to you and your family.