I also have a diary of my 33 year marriage.... with steps and ex. He died in April, so it has ended. You said it well, when you said, "too many emotions". I worked for 33 years keeping my mouth shut when all I wanted to do was pack my suit case run and run and run.

Wow, I feel as though I wrote part of that - right down to the ex cheating on our husbands, then somehow blaming us as the reason their families aren't in tact. Sheesh!

I am similar in that any sign of approval by my skids was viewed, by their mother, as being disloyal to her. YEARS later, the X told the kids the truth - that she had had an affair that caused the marriage to end. But, my relationship w/ the kids got off on such a bad foot (what 12, 14, and 16 y.o. kids would dare to like a younger woman they were told wrecked their home?)

I bent over backwards, at first. I still try to please them, but largely, I am resentful and angry under the surface. I think it's killing me. My body isn't handling the stress well and now that these kids are well into their twenties, I expected them to be self-sufficient. What a fantasy, I guess! The girls aren't that bad, but the history makes it hard for me - and they do continually do little things that disrespect me, my time, and one of them isn't all that kind to my oldest son (7 y.o.) while he adores her.

Mum23, you said you failed in your blog. I don't think you did. No one here should ever judge another w/o first walking in her shoes. I've said that before and I'll say it again. We all do our best and hindsight is always 20/20. You had to get out of your prior situation or possibly be a statistic. He wasn't abusive to your son. Are you still in contact w/ your son? I hope he knows you left your X, not him. I'd hate to see the X poison him against you or anything - no one deserves that.

Is your second marriage over? You referred to helping your DD have a good relationship w/ her dad - hiding from her if he was too busy to see her, etc. Was that all meant for what the X should have done, or are you finding yourself now being the X?

Post again. I feel we are a lot alike - blindly thought love could get us over all obstacles.

Dana

Hi Dana, thanks for replying. I see my son yes, and no my marriage is not over...yet.
I'll keep adding to my blog, there is more to come

I just read some of your blog and like you, I'm having a hard time dealing with those secret conversations that take place between my DH and the EW. I can't tell you how many times I've had to alter arrangements be/c the EW changed meeting times or DH allowed SS to change OUR plans (our 1st anniversary was cut short be/c SS didn't like the babysitter and wanted to be picked up early). So many of your messages hit home with me.....

Do you find it helpful to blog about your experiences? The reason I ask is, I have tried desperately to find something to do to improve my outlook and quality of life before I burn out from this situation and my body shuts down from stress. I've tried disengaging, exercise, organic foods, positive thinking, stepfamily self-help books, humor, prayer, counseling, etc. yet I still haven't found what it is that I'm supposed to be doing.