Not sure how, if at all, the new 'rules' may apply to what you ladies are discussing, but thought I'd put them out here anyway. My 'too busy to pay attention' SS blew this one in his never ending 'verbal' and/or 'I thought I could' agreements with SGS's BM. from the IRS New Rules For Children of Divorced and Seperated Parents: Revocation of release of claim to an exemption. For tax years beginning after July 2, 2008 (the 2009 calendar year for most taxpayers), new rules apply to allow the custodial parent to revoke a release of claim to exemption that was previously released to the noncustodial parent on Form 8332, Release/Revocation of Release of Claim to Exemption for Child by Custodial Parent, or similar statement. The revocation is effective no earlier than the tax year following the year in which the custodial parent provides, or makes reasonable efforts to provide, the noncustodial parent with written notice of the revocation. Therefore, if the custodial parent provides notice of revocation to the noncustodial parent in 2009, the earliest tax year the revocation can be effective is the tax year beginning in 2010. You can use Part III of Form 8332 for this purpose. You must attach a copy of the revocation to your return for each tax year you claim the child as a dependent as a result of the revocation. Post-1984 and pre-2009 divorce decree or separation agreement. If the divorce decree or separation agreement went into effect after 1984 and before 2009, the noncustodial parent may be able to attach certain pages from the decree or agreement instead of Form 8332. The decree or agreement must state all three of the following. The noncustodial parent can claim the child as a dependent without regard to any condition, such as payment of support. The custodial parent will not claim the child as a dependent for the year. The years for which the noncustodial parent, rather than the custodial parent, can claim the child as a dependent. The noncustodial parent must attach all of the following pages of the decree or agreement to his or her tax return. The cover page (write the other parent's social security number on this page). The pages that include all of the information identified in items (1) through (3) above. The signature page with the other parent's signature and the date of the agreement. Post-2008 divorce decree or separation agreement. Beginning with 2009 tax returns, the noncustodial parent can no longer attach pages from the decree or agreement instead of Form 8332 if the decree or agreement went into effect after 2008. The noncustodial parent will have to attach Form 8332 or similar statement signed by the custodial parent and whose only purpose is to release a claim to exemption. The noncustodial parent must attach the required information even if it was filed with a return in an earlier year. Here is a link that might be useful: New Rules...

To some extent, the situations are different. In one, the step daughter lived in another state, and they only saw her during the summer. When her mother finally remarried, she married really well, but my friend and her husband were struggling financially, in low paying jobs. My friend went on to have two children, and they became a real family. They resented sending child support for his daughter who they rarely saw, and had little imput in her life. And it really ripped my friend that they had to send support to his ex-wife who now had a well-to-do husband, the house, car, jewelry...that my friend would never have. My friend resents everything about this woman. Another friend ...she does not want the influence of a teenager around her children, and she resents that her husband just bought his son a brand new (expensive) car, without asking her, because he felt guilty about the divorce. Another...they have custody of his children...and only one of the three was really respectful of her. She had a terrible time with the oldest daughter for a long time...even though the kids real mom abandoned them. The father was raising them alone when she met him. She too has gone on and had "their" kids. For a long time, she only sent me christmas cards with "her kids" in the picture...even though the other kids lived with them 100% of the time. They have moved out of state, and I will have to call her and catch up. And one other friend had one little girl with her new husband. She totally resented his ex-wife, and his two kids who were about 12-14 when she married her husband. It got to the point where she hated all of them, including her husband, for a long time...but she stayed in the marriage...perhaps for financial reasons as he was a good provider. They are still married, and their little girl is almost 16 now. It still is not wonderful with "his" kids who are now adults. She has always resented money being sent to his ex for support. They all knew going in ...but I suppose it is another thing living it. And I know many ex-wives out there continually "stir-the-pot" in many ways. But so do many new wives...creating strife...for some reason.

The siminar was great. We learned so much. I highly recommend it for anyone who is in a stepfamily. He also is a marriage therapist so he had alot of good tools for our marriage and the blending of our stepfamily. We met other couples, we did different exercises that help get more of an understanding of where the kids position and feelings are. Really wonderful speaker, he is a christian councilor so he referneces the old testiment. My DH had been pushing me to get on to his kids when they are being mouthy towards me or not picking up their trash like I ask and to be affectionate towards them. I was against it and he thought that I was giving up that I did not want anything to do with them. I tried and tried to tell him I was not comfortable doing those things and I was sure the kids wouldnt be. At the siminar the guy told us exactly what I had been telling my DH. Its his place to do that not mine. So he is not going to presure me anymore about those things. That had been a big disagreement with us for a while. I am so happy that was resolved. It really helped us to understand our feelings, the kids feeling, their mothers feelings. I bought The Smart Stepmom book, and The Smart Stepfamily book that he wrote. Here is the website. If there is one scheduled close to you it is worth the time to go. http://www.successfulstepfamilies.com/

The whole college question is a very interesting one, and a difficult one to resolve. I saw an article years ago (sorry, I don't have a link) where they were discussing whether or not kids in college got regular financial support from their parents; they were counting any amount so long as it was regular (per month, per semester, whatever, parents were helping out.) It was something like 80 some percent of married parents provided something on a regular basis, while a lesser percentage of divorced parents did....but when the parents were re-married the amount who provided regular support plummeted. They did not discuss the percentage of re-married parents who had new children in their second marriage; I'm betting the amount would be even lower. So it sounds like a good thing to get into a divorce settlement (that parents have to contribute towards college) - except there is no requirement that married parents contribute towards college, so why should divorced parents be forced to? Is it fair to force parents to pay for colleges for a kid who decides to attend some ridiculously over-priced trade school where they will attain no degree and only be eligible for a barely minimum wage job? Is it right to force parents to pay for a kid who is borderline flunking all of their classes? And then force them to pay for those classes to be re-taken? Is it right that, when applying for financial aid for college, step-parents income is taken into account, thereby lowering the chances that the kid is eligible for grants? (I love how it's always claimed that step-parents are not "required" to support their sKids - except that our income is counted for so many things and it is assumed that we will, in fact, financially support them.) Ideally, of course, everyone would work together to get these issues resolved. In real life I don't know what the best solutions are. My father contributed nothing towards college for us, and could certainly have done so. I honestly would not expect that my step-mother should have; she was working to help support her own children. I will certainly help with SS8, but since he lives with us we are also the ones who will be most able to make sure that he studies, keeps his grades up, and is prepared for college. If I had a step-child who was rude, disrespectful and treated college like a joke, frankly I'd be unhappy if DH were forced to pay for their schooling, and I most certainly would not (because I wouldn't pay for a bio-child of mine in those circumstances either). Apparently in our state parents are court ordered to pay sometimes. Besides the ability to pay, they are supposed to take into account the parent/child relationship, and how the child is contributing towards their own education. This sounds like as reasonable as one can make it; that way a good kid who is covering 75% of their tuition on scholarships and grants is not left in the lurch, but a parent may not be obligated to pay for a slacker child that they no longer even see who would rather go to college and party for a year than go to work.