leecl,

My DS6 has a rare, aggresive cancer so I am where your SO and BM are. How old is SO's son?

SO and BM have been hit by the parental nuclear bomb, a really sick kid with a big time cancer. Life or death decisions, financial craziness, BM is probably extra nuts right now. SO too whether he recognizes it or not. No matter what you think of the BM, "She is very controlling and demanding and emotionally manipulative with his whole family," consider retooling your thinking for now. This is not a broken leg or the measles. Providing comfort is touchy. My DH just wants to "work" through the process so I let him.
Finances go to the moon. I know that St. Jude's offers free care so that is tremendous. Even so, the costs are horrendous.

I think one way you can support your SO is by having some compassion for them both. The old issues with her need to be put way on the backburner, if SO won't or can't he will probably be frozen out even if she still is asking him for money. That will make your relationship pretty rough I think.

If he is pulling away from you, as hard as it may be, DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY. His emotions are spun. Both DH and I have pulled away from certain people during this.

The best support I think you can provide is to gently listen if that's what he wants. If he turns to you, don't feed in to his anger toward BM. Encourage cooperation despite the old problems, their DS needs that the most.

Be the best listener you can for your SO. If you happen to be in the presence of BM be a listener for her too. Offer to do extra things for SO, pick up dry cleaning, groceries, clean his apartment. Sit with him in the waiting rm. (anything you might do for any family or good friend) Each of the bio parents are going through the worst nightmare imaginable.

I know this has to be hard on you, too. Here's a kid that you've come to love and he's sick and in pain. You have your own emotions, too, that you feel you are not allowed to express. And I'm sure that any sympathy that comes in is directed at BM and SO so you are left out in the cold with no support. People forget that you have feelings as well and that your heart is breaking, too. There's no way a child can live in a home with you and you not have feelings for them.

You can be a better partner to SO by getting support for your own feelings on this away from SO. Like maybe from your mom, sister, best friend, or coworker. If you are able to deal with your emotions, they won't be so raw with SO and you will be better able to "stand by and let be, be strong". It's really hard to be a "rock" for someone else when you know you are crumbling. Get some support elsewhere and then you can be a better rock.

And, like Eandhl said, do all his little errands for him so as to lighten his burden. He will be grateful, in the end.

I agree with the other ladies that have said SO and BM's lives have been devastated and turned upside down. I know it's difficult for marriages to survive during a child's diagnosis/treatment of a life-threatening illness. So I can't even imagine how difficult it must be for two people who don't even like one another to have to co-parent during a trying time like this.

I also think you have to expect to take a backseat in your SO's life right now. Sorry if that sounds harsh, but you are not married to him, and even if you were---marriages suffer during times like this.

Do what you can to be supprotive to him in little, quiet ways. I would imagine the smaller, day to day tasks can be overwhelming to a parent with a sick child. So go grocery shopping. Pick up his dry cleaning. Make sure the bills are paid. Offer to sit with his son at the hospital, and read to him, play cards, whatever---so dad or BM can take a shower, or even get out for a little bit, and recharge their mental batteries.

And definitely don't neglect your own feelings. You have been affected by this, too, and while not to the extent that BM and SO have, you are still in a whirlwind. Create a support system for yourself---whether that consists of friends or family or coworkers---whoever. Just make sure you have people you can talk to.

I'm sorry you're all going through this.

So, like Ashley said, definitely make sure you loo

Thank you all for your kind words, and especially compassion. I've seen some pretty other posts get harsh responses and the last thing I needed was that. Your advice was practical and wise, and I appreciate it.

I've known for a while that the only real answer for me is to be strong and deal with my emotions outside of SO - its just been hard. Even his family has been pushing me away a bit because they want, understandably, to minimize drama and BM rollercoasters on her acceptance of me. We were all doing really well for a bit...I was helping with nutritional and medical research, my coworkers did a big toy and clothing gift drive for Christmas. But lately SO and BM are fighting more, so that's the number one issue. The fighting is keeping him from his son so I know that is the most important thing to deal with.

I have been getting outside help now. I talked to an old high school mentor, started going back to church, spending time with a couple friends of ours who have fun kids to play with and are very sympathetic to me. It's helped a lot, though I have good days and bad days. Some days I feel more selfish, I hate to admit. I'll try to remember all of your good advice though and remember the little things matter to him most now.

Peace and blessings to all of you!

lee,

I don't know how much influence you have with SO, but if you have any, encourage him to stop fighting with BM. Even if she is the craziest woman, he needs to come together for their son.

I agree with the others, do little things to make SO's life easier, picking up dry cleaning, cooking if you cook , taking him to funny movies, keeping things light. If you want to get BM to chill regarding you, start doing things for their son. A toy drive at your job is good but not very personal as in from you yourself to him. He is in Tennessee, sounds like you are somewhere else. Send him things but not too much since he is in the hospital. Do a video conference, the hospital can arrange it, my relatives did that for my DS when he was in the hospital and I can tell you, he felt very special and loved. The best way to get BM to come down to earth about you is to be caring to her child while not trying to compete with her as the mother. Plus, that boy needs all of the friends he can get right now.

leecl,

How are things going with SO and his son with brain cancer?