New/ need advice

17 years ago

Quick run down of history. I am now a part of a stepfamily. My SO and I moved in together over a year ago. We are both divorced with children and both of us have joint custody/equal shared time with children. Five in all between the two of us.

Things were rough from the start trying to blend our families into one. Now a year later things in the household are great. I just wondered if any of you have the issues with x spouse we are having. My children's BF and I do not argue about things. We decided long ago not to do this. Instead we formed a business like relationship were we communicate well about the children but avoid getting involved in personal issues of our own life. We also limit contact so that we are both able to lead as normal of a life as possible after a divorce. He has also remarried and I get along well with SM. No problems there

My partener's x is a different story. From the moment I moved in she started creating problems. Calling early in the morning, calling five or six times a day over what I say is very unnessasary things. LIke a pair of pants or a game or something of that sort. She also began to call for things for herself. Asking BF to bring her medicine because she had a migraine, or asking if she could borrow something of his.

It really has gotten out of hand. When I brought the issue up BF asked her not to call unless it was about the kids and to try to limit calls so that she was not intruding in our daily lives. I mean she calls every day. Well instead of things getting better from there they got worse. She began to verbally attack me on the phone and in e-mails to BF. We can't go to a function or sports event for the kids without her going out of her way to approach us. She even sent a long letter recently bashing me to BF and insinuating that she knew I was having an affair with an ex boyfriend of mine and that she had proof. It was a complete lie and thankfully BF and I have a stronge relationship that it didn't cast doubt in his mind about me. She also calls him crying when things are not going well in her personal life. When he asked her why she just said "Well you are the father or my children."

She left BF for another man and BF doesn't understand why she can't just leave us alone and live her own life. This goes beyond caring for kids and seems way to personal to me for a divorced couple BF doesn't say anything to her. He just says okay and hangs up and pretty much tries to avoid and confrontation, but she is creating stress and tension between the two of us.

I wondered if anyone else is dealing with a similiar situation? HOw do you handle it? How do you focus on your life and family with this happening everyday for more then a year? And more importantly why is she doing this? What is the motivation? I would really like to understand her and would love if someone knew where I was coming from. Please help.

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Comments (7)

sunnygardenerme
17 years ago
alicia, My first question is: does your BF's ex have a SO or is she remarried? If not she maybe lonely and is regreting the mistake she made by leaving your BF. If your secure in your relationship with your BF you have nothing to worry about.

My situation is different, but similiar in some ways. My DH and his ex do not get along, however, DH's ex did have an affair that broke up the marriage, did marry the man she had an affair, and then divorced him 6 months later.

DH's ex then regreted the mistake she made an tried getting back with my DH. My step kids tried to help her get back with my DH. It was a very stressful time. At that time we had been together about 3 years and were getting married in two weeks. The attempts that she (the ex) and the kids tried to use to get my DH and her together was hurtful. My DH wanted nothing to do with it and he set his kids straight and her too.

The 2 step kids are now adults and even now they attempt to get DH to talk with the ex, for no real good reason. I feel the only reason that DH and the ex need to talk would be if the adult kids were getting married, health reasons, emergency reasons. birth of grandchild. Otherwise, I don't feel that they need to discuss anything, since the kids are adults.

My SS has even attempted to get DH together with his (SS) girlfriend's single mom. It is just a joke and I get really tired of it. DH and I have discussed it and he says he has not desire to be with anyone other than me. I believe trust is the key here.

Have DH tell the ex again to call only when necessary. DH is the only one that can put a stop to it.

Best of luck.
alldogslover
17 years ago
My experience is different from SGE's (I can't believe those stories!!! But I know what make-believe story-telling can do).

I have always found the children's mother to have control issues. She would either stir things up creating issues, stop by unannounced, attribute problems she was having with the children at her house to things that were happening at our house... all so she could pretty much feel she was in control of her children even when she wasn't around.
When she was doing the "calling thing", we simply let it go to voicemail. That helped mildly, until the visits started... we ended up going the legal route, talking to our lawyer and giving "legal warnings". Those seemed to be enough to cool things off. Eventually, my husband and she went to therapy together because things were getting out of hand; that, along with some other circumstantial events, also helped. It was very difficult for me to see that happen (you should have seen those mini-skirts and that coiffed hair!), but in the long run, it has helped them and all of us.

Stay firm, keep up with the boundary-setting, and just like a little kid, she will learn too.
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coolmama
17 years ago
In this case the best thing to do is to let the courts be involved.They can act as a mediator so to speak.Then I would make it very clear to X that she is not to call at all unless it is very importantly regarding the kids.
She is putting a wedge between you on purpose.Sounds to me like she wants Your DH back even if she has another BF.Obviously she has no life if she has so much free time to call and bother you.
One of my Dh's x is very nice and we get along great.The other one...man,I cant stand her.She used to call me and try to put things in my head about my husband.Like,he cheated on me,so he'll cheat on you.I knew what she was trying to do.So I let her play her little game all the while letting her believe I bought into her crap and that I'm stupid.
We went to her house to see Dh's daughter,and she has the nerve to say my husband was flirting with her! HAHAHAHA,AS IF!!! No,I'm not conceited,but she looks straight up hill billy~and even if my husband didnt want me,He'd NEVER EVER go back to that thing again. So i finally let her have it,which came as a huge surprize since I always acted so sweet and nice.
I told her just cuz my husband cheated on her,(which she says,but he swears it's not even true,that were broken up already) that it doesnt mean he'd do it to me.And if he did,I'm the kind of person who would forgive anyways.And that she is not to call me again,and that she will get nothing from us unless it is through the court because we are done dealing with her and her drama.
Havent heard from her since.
I dont expect you to do like I did...but dont let her do exactly what she is trying to do. She had her chance and it is over.Stand your ground.Sounds like your husband really loves you,but he needs to grow a pair.
sunnygardenerme
17 years ago
alldoglover,
As you said your experience is "different" than mine. What did you mean by "(I can't believe those stories!!! But I know what make-believe story-telling can do.)"?

Are you saying I am making up stories about my life with my DH and step children? Because if you are, that is a real slap in the face. I would never make up stories. I wish they were made up, but it is what I live with involving my step children. What would I have to gain by making stories up? Why do you think I looked for this site for somewhere to vent? I was totally stressed out by all the turmoil in my blended family life.

I don't know how stressful your situation is, but please don't put down others for what they are going through.

This has been a great site for me to vent and find others who share similar feeling, experiences and situations. It has helped me alot to release some of the pain and stress that I live with being involved in a blended family. It has given me some great advise.

If people on this site start to imply others are not telling the truth it may turn them away and inturn they lose the help they need. I try to let others on this site know what I have gone through and maybe it will help them in some way. Maybe it will let them know they are not alone, maybe it will give them some ideas on what they can do, and maybe just maybe they will feel someone does understand them.

Please let me know what you meant by your statment and please try to be supportive of others in need. Like you said many of the situations on this site are "different". I like to be supportive of all who come here for advise and help. Thanks
coolmama
17 years ago
sunnygardnerme~people have long been giving me disbelief when I tell them things.Some people just cant imagine a life where things happen outside their dull lives where nothing happens.
Besides,this isnt a forum about whether or not everything is truthful so much as it is for advice,so dont let it get to you.
alldogslover
17 years ago
SGE,

I am so so so so sorry. I was not talking about you, but the fiction that "others" were trying to introduce in your life (trying to get two people together when one has moved on requires a lot of "creativity" if you ask me)!!!

Oh my gosh, I would never ever dare; this is a safe place for us all, and I would never want to harm the integrity of those who post. I have always respected your posts, and look for them often as you always have much to say.

I think most of us who post here live on a daily basis or have lived far from dull realities, thus finding ourselves venting to strangers that probably know a lot about stepfamilies and the Difficulties that come along with them (that D is capitalized for a reason).

To explain what I meant to say: I can't believe people would meddle in your life like that. Relationships are sacred and a lot of work as is, last thing one needs is a third party butting in. I simply didn't want to say more because this post "belonged" to someone else and I wanted to address their situation.

I hope you understand now, and I wish you all the best in this new year!
bunglogrl
17 years ago
She's doing it because BF allows it. Tell him to start screening her calls.

My DH's ex used to call all the time. He told her to stop and she wouldn't so he started screening. He'd only call back if she left a specific message about one of the kids. Specific because once she figured out he was screening, she'd leave messages like "call me about your son" when she really wanted to grumble about something else.

Once the kids became teens with cell phones he rarely spoke to her at all. So it'll get better as the years go by.

I'm also lucky she never started *visiting* like the biomom in alldogs' situation, that would've been awful. DH shuttled them back and forth until they reached driving age. In 17 years I can't recall her ever coming here to drop them off or pick them up.

New/ need advice

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