stop stressing about it. they say you get pregnant when you stop stressing. that's why so many women get pregnant right after adoption: stress is gone. give it time and what is meant to be will happen. don't be discouraged. and do not be stressed about it. maybe that's why it does nto work: you are upset and stressed about it. my cousin could not get pregnant for 5 years and now they have beatiful healthy triplets. not like I wish you to have triplets, lol, but just give it time. and relax. stop worrying. happy holidays!

Awe, Love! I really feel for you! I am sure it's really disappointing every time nothing happens!

I agree with FD about relaxing, but it's easier said than done. It's hard to not let it consume you especially when you are sticking yourself with needles all the time. But if you could somehow take your mind off of it, or take a break, it would do you a world of good. Could you maybe take a weekend trip with DH to a BNB or something? Somewhere where there is no pressure. Or maybe take a break from the sex for a while so that the fun comes back?

My really good friend had her babies concieved through IVF. Her husband's sperm were drunk (as she says) LOL! She's a heavy drinker and alcohol lowers sperm motility. But he refused to stop drinking. So she stuck herself in the belly however many times a day all so she could have a baby while he was drinking it up. What a guy!

Anyway, before they decided to do IVF, she said the sex go to be so mechanical that neither one would want to do it and khe couldn't even get aroused. It was like a science experiment every time. So that's why I say maybe you could take a break from the sex for a little bit.

Also, I had another friend who could get pregnant. She found out that 1 of her ovaries had a cyst on it causing it to fold over and collapse her fallopian tube. The doctors told her that if she had the ovary removed, it would raise her chances of conceiving. Believe-it-or not, about 2 months after the surgery, she got pregnant. And then got pregnant 6 months after that baby was born.

Lovehadley,

Sorry for your disappointment! I'll be sending prayers your way. Relax & enjoy the holidays... I know it's hard but FD is right, stress isn't good, and you've had quite a bit this last year... with custody battles & planning a wedding. Enjoy some down time with hubby & the kids before your next treatment. (yes, I know it's easier said than done)

"Anyway, before they decided to do IVF, she said the sex go to be so mechanical that neither one would want to do it and khe couldn't even get aroused. It was like a science experiment every time. So that's why I say maybe you could take a break from the sex for a little bit."

Heehee, so true! this last cycle---OMG, this is TMI, but we didn't even have sex around when I was ovulating. My doctor triggers me with a shot so we know EXACTLY when I ovulate---and we did the IUI that day! My DH and the doctor were discussing cars while the insemination was being done---how romantic!

LOL.

Thanks ladies! I am glad it's Christmas time---with the kids' excitment and joy, it's easy for me to get wrapped up in that. Next month, without the distraction of Christmas, might be a different story.

I have two very good friends who had trouble getting pregnant, because of blocked tubes.

THe first one had IVF, and finally had a child after three attempts. SHe said the strain on her marriage was really rough, since sex did indeed become mechanical, and that it was horribly expensive, but well worth it when they had the baby. THen guess what? two years later, she got pregnant unexpectedly, naturally. GO figure.

THe second one had religious views that wouldnt allow her to attempt ivf. SHe got all the advice about how to get preggers and you know, she got told she needed to go to a chiropractor to align her body correctly or something. SHort order, she did, and she was pregnant three months later. I am not sure if the chiropractor had anything to do with it, since that makes me skeptical. But maybe the idea that she was doing something to help, relaxed her enough that it could happen. I dont know.

Stress doesn't affect the success rate of fertility treatment or in general the fertility rate. There are a lot of studies demonstrating that ART rates are unaffected by patients'stress levels just like conception rates do not drops in the general population even in times of war, calamities etc..

By the way, IUI are notoriously ineffective, they work only in 10% of the cases, check the statistics on the CDC of Atlanta ART Report http://www.cdc.gov/ART/ART2005/index.htm, so if after 2 cycles of IUI (with perfect sperm motility and quality and good ovulation) you are not pregnant is time to go for IVF without wasting time and money and I would question any doctor advising differently.. IUI are heavy physically and psychologically just like IVF.. so it is not such a big step

Of course ANY fertility treatment (as any medical intervention on such an intimate area of our life) is inherently stressful and you feel better if you resume to any remedy to cope: yoga, massage, chocolate, shopping, friends, short holidays, gardening...but stress does NOT influence the results, otherwise NO ART patients would conceive.

all the anecdotally evidence ("just relax and you will conceive" "a friend of mine etc..) is due to the fact that even a diagnosed infertile couple still has a 2% probability to conceive naturally because in most cases infertility is not ABSOLUTE .

For instances your tubes can be blocked (or seems so during laparascopical surgery) but an egg can get "lost" from the ovary outside the tubes at ovulation time and wander in uterus and get fecundated or the tubes were blocked by adherences that can be loosened upon time especially during a first pregnancy (by ART) when the peritoneal tissues are flooded with placental hormones designed to stretch fibrous ligaments..

Even former chemio patients (that are typically considered not even infertile but STERILE, especially if they were pediatrical patients) can have some residuall viable eggs or sperms or seminal cells...
In my cancer survivors group we have seen many happy instances of this..

Conceiving is fundamentally a probability game: if you buy enough GOOD tickets (timing intercourse at ovulation time with good quality sperm) for ENOUGH time (typically 5 years) you usually end up winning (conceiving "naturally") but most couples don't have such "good" tickets or so many fertile years to waste.

However, after 35 years of age eggs and sperm quality sharply decline even in the most healthy couple so "natural" conception rate plummets and you need IVF with ICSI to fecundate a good number of eggs in the hope to have at least a viable embryo.

After 40 years of age, natural conception rate drops to less than 10% and so IUI, IVF using your own eggs etc.. Again please consult the ART Report, it will help you to avoid wasting money and years

I know all this because to have children after cervical cancer and a diagnosis of a severe astenoteratospermia for my husband we did undergo 4 years of infertility treatments ending with anonymous (here in Europee there is only free and anonymous egg donation, non Harvard-graduate-will-sell-her-eggs-for-a lot of money nonsense, donors are anonymous, wil get only reimbursed for working hours loss and extensively tested for any genetic, infective and mental disease, in themselves and in their immediate family) eggs donation, the less stresful and most succesful option of all, that has finally brought us our precious children, my 15 months boy and girl twins.

Searer, wow, that was a lot of good information. Thank you! Congratulations on your b/g twins! DH and I each have a 6 year old (they are 6 wks apart in age) so we feel like kind of already do have twins. Going through all this fertility treatment stuff has prompted a lot of conversations and we've decided we would love a set of twins--and then we would be DONE! :)

I am 28 and DH is 32, so I think that is one reason our RE wanted to try IUI for 3 cycles. Time isn't a huge factor for us, so we do have the bonus of trying a less-invasive and less-expensive route for a few months.

My right tube is completely blocked but my left tube is somewhat open. So the RE felt it was worth a try to see if IUI would work. DH's swimmers are fine, so the issue is really just my eggie getting down that tube.

And you are so right, TTC really is like playing the lottery. Eventually, you probably will win something if you buy enough tickets. There is a mom in my DD's class who has b/g twins conceived on the 3rd round of IVF. She has blocked tubes and was told she would never conceive naturally. Well, surprise, surprise, when her twins were 8 weeks old, she got pregnant and she and her husband have a daughter who is 10 months younger than her older sibs--Irish triplets!

I did IVF once. I was the last one sitting there waiting for my eggs to get big enough. Everything was sounding not as good as it could & I figured it wouldn't happen. Don't get discouraged. I have 2 year old twins & a 1 year old. Keep writing, it's healthy.

lovehadley,

I have DS6 now after many miscarraiges and 3 years of IUI's and IVF. He was conceived on a vacation the old fashioned way AFTER we had given up on fertility treatments and were considering adoption or foster care. Yes, we relaxed and got a baby. This happened to me personally. I can't say whether it was the fact that the pressure was off, the moon was full, but God gave us a gift. There is truth to all the anecdotal stories that people get pregnant once they stop trying because it happened to me. Personally and for real.

Like mistihayes said, don't get discouraged. Try to bring some naturalness back to being with your DH, that helps. At least it helped me!

Some insurance companies require 3 months of IUI before they will allow IVF. I have excellent insurance (covers 6 rounds of IVF), but they will only allow IVF after 3 rounds of IUI. From what I've read IUI is only effective in limited circumstances (such as issues with cervical mucus).

Good luck.

Sue,
You have wonderful insurance. Mine didn't cover anything, nada. It's great to hear that an insurance company will cover anything dealing with fertility.

That is awesome insurance!

I have Anthem Blue Cross and it doesn't cover anything fertility-related. Before I started on meds, it covered my ultrasounds, but now that we are officially in treatment, it is all out of pocket. Each cycle of IUI costs us around $600.

IVF is $12,000 for a single try or $25, 000 for the shared risk plan.

So--needless to say, before we have to spend that kind of money, we wanted to try the path of least (well, lesser) resistance first.

Lovehadley,
I know this isn't step-related.
I remember the IVF quote as $12,000 too. But after all was said & done, it came to about $7,000. I think you're smart by taking the cheaper methods first. Are you over 35? I was in an emotional state(although stable) & the endocronologist said, "let's just go to the big guns". I hope it goes well for you. Also, fertility treatments are tax deductible. Save all of your bills from meds to ultrasounds. I had my IVF in Gainesville(Dr.Kipperstock). He was so very impressive. I know he is now in the Washington DC area. Hang in there. It is a challenging time with so much anticipation. If you need to know anything regarding IVF(if you ever take that route), ask me & I'll help you in anyway I can.

Lovehadley,

My insurance included IUI's, meds and doctors care but not IVF. I was quoted $15000 per cycle but like mistihays said, the real cost after negotiating and having the meds covered was closer to $7500. It was still a lot of money.

I was over 35 and my doctor also said to get aggressive. Meaning lots of test, visits, meds in the behind administered by DH and no half stepping. We ended up with DS the old fashioned way in the end once we had stopped treatment like I said before but I would do it all over again. I think all of that prepped us when the time really came.

Thanks to both of you for that information!

I am not over 35--I just turned 28 in September. So time is still on our side. My DH is 32.

I had an HSG in October and it revealed my right tube being blocked, and my left tube as partially blocked. The dye was able to clear out some of the blockage. But our RE doesn't know if it's open enough for an egg to make it down the tube.

Intially, he said 3 IUI tries, but when we did the first one, he kind of revised it to 2 OR 3.

I imagine if this next month doesn't work we will start looking into IVF.

I'm very interested to hear about how you were able to negotiate the price of IVF down? any ideas/tips you have would be great!

I don't want to hijack but I was wondering if any of you have gotten pregnant after having had HPV and had procedures to remove the abnormal cells?

I have had 3 procedures to remove cells and 3 biopsies. My OB/GYN said that sometimes women have trouble conceiving after these procedures because the opening in the cervix gets smaller due to scar tissue.

I don't know if FDH and I will have anymore kids, but I'd like the option.

I don't know anyone personally, Ashley, but I would think that if it's the cervix that is the issue---that IUI would be a good alternative. This way the swimmers would be "deposited" directly into the uterus, bypassing the cervix completely.

I'm not an RE but that would be my guess.

That's what we thought but then the people above said it's not very effective.

It is not any more effective than just old fashioned sex. LOL. Any given cycle, for a normal healthy man and woman, you have about a 20-25% chance of conception. IUI has about the same success rates.

It's kind of hard to look at IUI success rates, too, because people that are doing IUI in the first place are doing it BECAUSE they have fertility problems. So that is going to skew the results right there. When you take people with ALL different kinds of fertility issues and lump them together, that is going to affect the success rates, no question.

If you have poor egg quality, or endometriosis, or tubal blockage, or really low sperm count, or PCOS, then there is a good chance IUI WON'T work. BUT if you are a normal, healthy couple and the ONLY issue preventing you from conceiving is scar tissue on the cervix, then I think IUI WOULD be a reasonable treatment to try. It might not happen the first, second or even third attempt, but I would think---as long as your eggs are fine, DH's swimmers are good, etc---that IUI most likely work for you within 3-4 tries.

lovehadley and ashley,

I was never actally infertile as I could get pg. However I miscarried 4 times. I did fertility treatments in order to up the number of pregnancies in the hope of having one that I could carry to term. I had fibroid tumors, scarring and low progesterone plus older eggs. The scars and some of the fibroids were removed in a laparoscopy. The largest one couldn't be removed without a hystorectomy so it was still there during my pregnancy.

Check out your various hormone levels and ask if you have fibroid tumors as they are VERY VERY common. Have the scar tissue removed if you have it, laparoscopy is a minor surgery that for me was over in an hour or two. Prescription progesterone helped me a lot and of course, having the fibroids diagnosed and mostly removed.

Lastly, take those pre-pregnancy vitamins. They help with your hormones, my doctor believed in them and I think they help.

ashley, I was told by OBN/Gyn that after having HPV your chances of getting pregnant decrease. I do not know why exactly (don't recall what OB said then) but I remember reading that actual HPV (not just cell removal) effects fertility.

By the way what is interesting I retested for HPV few times and I do not have it anymore. it clears by itself. not always but sometimes your immune system fights it succesfully and it is gone from your blood stream. It is a good feeling to know that it is gone. did you check it again?

as about fibroids. My OB told me that they do not effect ability to get pregnant but effect abulity to carry pregnancy to the term.

Don't be discouraged. It was the first attempt. I am currently pregnant through IVF. My doctor didn't think any other method would give us the chances we wanted. Last March I lost an ovary and found out I have a severe case of endometriosis. When we started seeing the fertility doctor, I also found out the viability of my eggs were in question. I am one of the lucky ones. I spent months wondering if I would ever have a child of my own. My husband has a son. Although I love him, it isn't the same as having a child of my own. When you feel as though your hopes and dreams of being a mother are taken away, it's like losing a loved one. It is hard to hear others talking about their kids, getting pregnant and telling you to relax and it will happen. It's the giant elephant in the room. Many people don't know how to respond to fertility problems.

My advice is to do what you can to stay calm and positive. If it is meant to happen it will. I listened to the doctor and followed all the directions he gave. I did have a fibroid removed. I was told it can hamper the implantation process. Ask your doctor about it, I think it is important. I also ate like I was pregnant while going through the process. I avoided caffeine and tried to eat better. I'm sure you are taking the prenatal vitamins with the folic acid.

When they retrieved my eggs, there were only four. I was lucky and three fertilized properly. We went all in. One of the three implanted. I'm now 21 weeks. I'm still get nervous and pray things will be ok. For the entire first trimester I head the words 'cautiously optimistic'. I hate those words, but they were and are appropriate.

Please keep the faith and keep trying. I know I would have if this didn't work. I don't know what your beliefs are, but I asked everyone I knew for prayers. I will pray for you and your efforts.

With all of the stress and worry about your SS, and the very serious concern about whether his mom is able to parent (from your other post it sounds from what you wrote that she is spiraling out of control), I wonder if you are not going to have your hands full if you have to step in and protect him by going for custody. From what you wrote, is she able to care for him, and more importantly, is she able to protect him from the people now in their lives?

Only you know if this is the right time for you to get pregnant. How would he respond to a new baby? You mentioned in another post that he is so sad much of the time, and has pretty serious anger issues. Is he safe in the home of his mother? You mentioned an adult who visits that has punched him in the stomach and another time choked this little boy. Did I read that this young boy is only six? I am wondering if you and your DH shouldn't be trying to help this boy...and his mother who sounds like she is crying out for help.

I will apologize in advance if I said the wrong thing...I do not wish to hurt, and you sound like you are a wonderful mom from your other posts. I am just wondering about the timing, with the increasing things happening in this little boys home life, and wonder if the situation is going to require your attention in the near future. From what you wrote, it just sounds like his mom is really struggling and I wonder if it may get worse before it gets better.

I wish you well. I know from what you wrote that you care about this child, and you sound like a really good person, trying to do the right thing for your family. He is lucky to have you!

"I wonder if you are not going to have your hands full if you have to step in and protect him by going for custody."

Unfortunately, we just finished going to court. DH was awarded residential custody, meaning SS will go to school in our district. But they share physical custody 50-50. We don't really have a lot against BM, other than accusations. Accusations, while we know they are true, HAVE to be backed up in court. We cannot just waltz into court and say she's an alcoholic and we want full custody. We tried that already and the GAL pretty much said as long as she's not drinking and driving with him in the car, it's her business. He said if she wants to get a sitter for SS and go out, that's not our business. And vice versa to her.

So--while going to court may be an option again in the future--we have to take our time and build a case slowly.

I know it's the right time for us to be building our family. We can't put our lives on hold because this timing is off, etc. I don't see any bad coming from giving our children a sibling---a baby that is both my DD's and SS's sibling. I know I shouldn't expect a baby to bond our family together...and it's not that I think it will...but there IS something special about a child that is a part of ALL of us joining our family.

SS has a baby sis at his mom's and he ADORES her. LOVES her to pieces and misses her so badly when he is with us. I think he will LOVE having a baby at our house, too.

I think the more love we bring into both our childrens' lives, the better.

It seems in every new second marriage, (when he has kids, and she has kids) the couple always wants a baby that is "theirs".
For so many, Dad's now living with his new wife and "her" kids. His children can be very resentful seeing "their dad" living in another house with some other kids, and being "dad" to them. It is so painful for so many kids. And then along comes a new baby that also gets to stay with dad all the time. And his children feel like "guests" when seeing their own dad.

Can you see it from his perspective? Can you feel his pain?
Did you grow up in a home with divorced parents? If so, can you remember what it felt like? If not, can you sit back and imagine...imagine your dad left and is now living in a house with some other woman. Think about it. Let your feelings experience what that might feel like. Think about him now being "dad" to some other kids...and you see your own dad living there now. Can you understand what that must feel like for this little boy? How weird?

I am writing this wanting you and others to understand, and be compassionate.

And at the same time, I understand that so many step moms can be such a blessing. So many provide the care and family structure that may have never existed in the first original family. And I applaud you and your efforts! Some of you are providing a much more stable environment for these kids, and very involved in their care. And I do not mean to discount that in any way. It is an honorable and worthy cause.

I just want to also remind you to take a minute and look at this through the eyes of a child. Think of viewing something through a kalidescope. The picture can look one way, but with a slight turn, we have a whole new perspective.

If the baby is a son, will he feel he is being replaced in his fathers heart?

Also, with his anger issues, will your maternal instincts kick in and no longer want him around your baby?

I also want to urge you and your husband to not sit back passively, and do little regarding getting help for his son. While his problems might seem manageable right now, the older he gets (and bigger), the problems get bigger, and harder to turn around. And much harder to live with. So many of us are passive, when we need to take action. Myself included.

You sound like such a fine, caring woman, and I know you must be a blessing to your family.

There are just some red flags that you probably don't want to ignore.

"Did you grow up in a home with divorced parents? If so, can you remember what it felt like? If not, can you sit back and imagine...imagine your dad left and is now living in a house with some other woman. Think about it. Let your feelings experience what that might feel like. Think about him now being "dad" to some other kids...and you see your own dad living there now. Can you understand what that must feel like for this little boy? How weird?"

I do have divorced parents but they divorced when I was 17, almost 18. So it's not quite the same thing. As far as my SS goes, I know that going back and forth between the two homes is difficult for him, particularly emotionally. And I do not say this to trivialize what he goes through--but I do believe it is relevant that he has done this as long as he's known. He was 10 months old when his parents split up, so he really remembers nothing else. I have been in his life since he was about 20 months old. As far as him feeling like a guest...I don't think he feels that way at our home any more than he would at his mother's home. I know at times it is odd for him that my DD is with us all the time, and he definitely goes through a day or two of "adjustment" when he's come back after a stretch at his mom's. But he really is with us quite a lot, he spends equal time at both houses--my DH is not the EOW type dad. We have SS 5 days one week, and 2 the next. So he is afforded lots of quality time at both his parents' homes. He is with us every Wed and Thurs and then every other weekend. For example, this week we will have him Wed, Thurs, Fri, Sat and Sun. Then he will be with BM on Mon, Tues. Then back with us Wed, Thurs. Then with BM for a 5 day stretch: Fri, Sat, Sun, Mon, Tues.

It is a GREAT schedule, as good as could ever be hoped for. When he was younger, they switched EVERY OTHER DAY and that was just way too much moving around for him.

We have been doing this schedule for about 6 months and it's going really well.

Anyway, my point is, my DH is a very involved father, so I don't see SS having any "outside the normal range" issues with a new sibling. If anything, when his BM had her baby girl last year, we totally expected him to be REALLY jealous. He NEVER went through anything! He adored his baby sister right from the start. It is sad how much he misses her when he is at our home.

So I don't see how he wouldn't love a baby at our house just as much? He is a great big brother! Now--I do know he is DYING to have a little brother since he's surrounded by girls, with my DD, his baby sis at his mom's, and his stepsis at his mom's, as well.

"Also, with his anger issues, will your maternal instincts kick in and no longer want him around your baby? '

I don't see anything like that happening. After all, I am already a mom to a 6 year old daughter and I don't NOT want him around her. They are great friends! Sure, they fight like siblings do, but at the end of the day, my SS and DD are VERY close, and so protective of one another. I don't forsee them being anything but close as they grow up.

Because this would be "his norm", since you have been in his life almost from the beginning (or certainly as far back as he can remember) I don't imagine that he would struggle with some of the issues an older child would have, whose parents divorce and remarry during a child's elementary, middle or high school years.

And you are right...you do have a very good visitation schedule, and he is one of the blessed ones, to have a father so involved in his life.

What do you think is creating the sadness and such anger in such a small boy? Can you find someone who can help him get out what is upsetting him? Has he always been this way, or has the change in his mother's household changed him somehow? Is he safe in his life? What is his mom's husband like? How does this man treat your SS? What is their relationship like? How does the step father respond when his sister's boyfriend hurt the little boy?

In other words, is his sadness, fear of the world, and anger something new?

"What do you think is creating the sadness and such anger in such a small boy? Can you find someone who can help him get out what is upsetting him? Has he always been this way, or has the change in his mother's household changed him somehow? Is he safe in his life? What is his mom's husband like? How does this man treat your SS? What is their relationship like? How does the step father respond when his sister's boyfriend hurt the little boy?"

To systematically answer these questions...

I do believe a certain amount of this is just his personality workup. I think that a certain extent of our personalities and characteristics are hardwired from the beginning. I do think he is a shy child to begin with and that this shyness exacerbates his anxiety, and he then turns that into anger/frustration.

Not to sound like a "typical" SM, but I do think his BM is just an utter wackadoodle, especially when it comes to parenting him. She has ALWAYS, right from the start, done her best to belittle DH to her son. When I came on the scene, she was furious and did everything in her power to destroy SS's relationship with me. Up until about 6 months ago, she was STILL telling him that he didn't have to listen to me, that my DD was stupid, that his dad loved us more than him, etc. :( She is the kind of person that seems to have no control over her emotions--she is emotionally immature and she lashes out at people, and she talks to her son about things that are entirely beyond the realm of the parent/child relationship.

When we went to court, she actually told SS that I was the one trying to "take him away from her" and that I wanted her to go to jail. So for a good portion of the summer, SS was cold to me because of the lies his BM was telling him. :( She withheld custody for 4 weeks over the summer and told SS he couldn't see us because we were trying to have her arrested. It was absolutely awful and when the courts finally intervened, and we got back to normal schedule...SS spent many hours crying and being very angry at DH and myself. The poor guy was just SO confused after all that had gone on and all he had been told.

He actually asked us while we were on a family vaca in July---if we wanted his mom to go to jail because she gets drunk. DH asked him what do you think "drunk" means...and he said that his BM and grandma had told him to NEVER say that "mommy drinks too much wine." :(

That is just one small example of the things he hears and is exposed to at BM's house. She treats him like a little adult in so many ways, and it has caused him so much inner turmoil over the years.

His mom's husband is *okay." DH and I both think he is just kind of....a "hoosier," for lack of a better word. He's uneducated and he seems to lack common sense and doesn't treat BM all that well. I don't mean that he's abusive or anything, but I know he's dishonest with her about money, and he goes out drinking himself and lies about that and they are always fighting....he just doesn't behave with a lot of class. I know that sounds so snobbish to say, but it's true.
He is good to SS in that he spends time with him, is friendly to him and genuinely seems to care about him. DH and I aren't thrilled with some language that he's taught SS but I think a lot of that just stems from his background and not "knowing any better."

I think the main issue is that SS has a very emeshed relationship with his BM. He worries about her all the time. For example, she and her DH are planning their wedding---which, in itself is silly, because they have NO MONEY, and they are ALREADY MARRIED. But whatever. So SS told us a couple days ago that he is really stressed out because "his mom is broke for her wedding." UGH. I just hate that he is hearing about all these things.

I don't know...I think it's complicated...and there are so many factors. Yet we can only control what goes on on OUR end for now. We cannot control BM or how she parents. :(

Going back to court is STILL an option but we just have to be so careful with how we proceed. We have to slowly build a case and right now, depsite the drinking and problems, we just do NOT have anything conclusive against her.

He sounds fortunate to have you and his father, doing your best to give him a stable family and home life. You sound so grounded, and caring, and a real blessing in the midst of it all. Hopefully, as he grows up, your stability will balance out the instability at his moms house. Heavy worries on the shoulders of such a little guy.

I think so many bio-moms can feel so threatened when another woman marries into the family and begins to co-parent her children. Her insecurities of her children liking the new "mom" better, seems to create a situation where she tries to tear down the other woman in the child's eyes. She seems to need to know that they hate the new woman, so she does not feel as though she has been replaced in their hearts.

And on some level I get it. If we can put ourselves into her shoes, and imagine another woman now "mom" to "our" children, and the kids adoring your husbands "new" wife...I imagine it is threatening. And what if she is younger, prettier, and really has it together. I imagine it would knock even a stable woman's self esteem for a loop. To listen to your child go on and on about how great dad's new wife is would cause many healthy women to wince.

It would feel much the same if your husband went on and on talking about the glowing attributes of a new young female at the office. And you met her. And she was as great as your husband said. And she adored your husband, and even though he wasn't doing anything wrong, he could not stop telling you about the fun they had at the office, and he gushed with affection whenever he talked about her.

I imagine it feels much the same. We are all capable of feelings of jealousy and insecurity, when we feel we could lose someone we love to someone else. Or we feel we don't measure up to this other woman. I imagine that she must feel so inadequate and threatened to do what she is doing. And I imagine she knows it is wrong, but cannot help herself.